Why is WS the one who is angry?

[Sands_of_time]

The alcoholic AND his wife should be strung up, brought down, shot, and pissed on. That's almost the most ignorant thing I have ever read.

 

Straight up, DD.

[Sands_of_time]

Life is 90% perspective and attitude, 10% what happens to you.

 

Everyone has bad days, but what is your outlook on a consistent basis regarding what transpired in your relationship? If it's negative and you feel like you were victimized, than that's on you.

 

Have you grown and learned from the experience? Maybe not, because if you feel like you were the wronged party, you lost out on something. If someone decides to take off, that's an oppurtunity in my book.

 

I love my wife, but if she chooses to love someone else, I can only accept her decision and do what I can for my own happiness.

 

If you think you have it rough, ask people from Darfur, Somalia what they think about being raided in the middle of night, having their entire family murdered, raped and dismembered in front of them.

 

TIY is right. Confused...what is the name of your thread? I'd like to visit.

[Sands_of_time]

So it's been a while since I've posted on this thread so I thought I would check back in.

 

I've continued to go NC with the STBXW and it's helping immensely. I still get "hang ups" on my telephone a few times a week but eventually they will go away. I'm not contacting her in any way other than email (no text or phone) and it's only to discuss belongings/divorce stuff. I can't say enough about going NC.

 

She has had the divorce ppw. for almost 2 months now and has not returned it yet. However, she said I would have it back this week so hopefully she keeps her word. I am ready to file. I was ready last month, I believe.

 

She is coming to do a final move this Saturday. I am in the process of moving the rest of her belongings to the living room so she can get in and get out quickly without tromping around the house, in and out of every room...etc. Get in, get out, go home is my motto for Saturday.

 

She wanted to meet at the Accountant's office together so we could do our taxes together (we are filing jointly). I told her I didn't want to meet there together and that we should set up different appointments. She was p*ssed. A couple days later she wanted to meet so I could give her a check from the insurance company (long story) and I told her I would overnight it to her or she could come to my work and get it from the receptionist. She was p*ssed again. Says how rude and uncooperative I am for not taking 20 minutes out of my day to meet. She just doesn't understand that everytime there is contact with me it's painful and sets me back.

 

F that, I say. She cheated and busted our marriage to the point of no reconciliation. I don't want to see her.

 

Something involuntarily has happened inside me regarding our relationship and marriage. My mind seems to be effectively "erasing" it. I feel like our relationship was just a sham. It was a farce. It's a strange feeling to turn so cold onto someone I loved. I mentioned earlier in one of the posts that I am in my "stoning" process. Once I'm 100% stoned there is no going back.

 

I feel like I'm completely stoned.

[dead-dyke]

Good for you, Sands - Zee tables.... They have turned. It took me a long time to get where you are now. Such a quick turnaround. She closed the door, and you reinforced it. Now she can't budge it.

[Mountains10]

So it's been a while since I've posted on this thread so I thought I would check back in.

 

I've continued to go NC with the STBXW and it's helping immensely. I still get "hang ups" on my telephone a few times a week but eventually they will go away. I'm not contacting her in any way other than email (no text or phone) and it's only to discuss belongings/divorce stuff. I can't say enough about going NC.

 

She has had the divorce ppw. for almost 2 months now and has not returned it yet. However, she said I would have it back this week so hopefully she keeps her word. I am ready to file. I was ready last month, I believe.

 

She is coming to do a final move this Saturday. I am in the process of moving the rest of her belongings to the living room so she can get in and get out quickly without tromping around the house, in and out of every room...etc. Get in, get out, go home is my motto for Saturday.

 

She wanted to meet at the Accountant's office together so we could do our taxes together (we are filing jointly). I told her I didn't want to meet there together and that we should set up different appointments. She was p*ssed. A couple days later she wanted to meet so I could give her a check from the insurance company (long story) and I told her I would overnight it to her or she could come to my work and get it from the receptionist. She was p*ssed again. Says how rude and uncooperative I am for not taking 20 minutes out of my day to meet. She just doesn't understand that everytime there is contact with me it's painful and sets me back.

 

F that, I say. She cheated and busted our marriage to the point of no reconciliation. I don't want to see her.

 

Something involuntarily has happened inside me regarding our relationship and marriage. My mind seems to be effectively "erasing" it. I feel like our relationship was just a sham. It was a farce. It's a strange feeling to turn so cold onto someone I loved. I mentioned earlier in one of the posts that I am in my "stoning" process. Once I'm 100% stoned there is no going back.

 

I feel like I'm completely stoned.

 

Hey Sands, glad to hear NC is working out so well for you. Thanks for the update. Make sure you don't become a stranger here!

[Sands_of_time]

Good for you, Sands - Zee tables.... They have turned. It took me a long time to get where you are now. Such a quick turnaround. She closed the door, and you reinforced it. Now she can't budge it.

 

Thanks DD---I like how you put that. She closed the door, and you reinforced it.

 

I am definitely not the same person I was 3-4 months ago. Something has changed inside me. I am sad that I am a different person but I am also grateful for the opportunity to get another crack at life. My values are still the same but something inside me has morphed. There is a wound/scar that is now part of me. It still hurts when I think about it.

[Sands_of_time]

Hey Sands, glad to hear NC is working out so well for you. Thanks for the update. Make sure you don't become a stranger here!

 

I'm still lurking around, Mountain! Not much to add lately as my situation hasn't changed much in the last 10 days or so. And the advice I'm "qualified" to give isn't real long term as I've only just begun to walk away from the train wreck. I still view threads though to stay connected! I hope you are doing well.

 

Beers are on me tomorrow night! Meet you down at the pub and we'll play some darts and play grab a** with the waitress/local ladies.

[dead-dyke]

 

Beers are on me tomorrow night! Meet you down at the pub and we'll play some darts and play grab a** with the waitress/local ladies.

 

 

................................Giddy-up!

[suzanne2009]

I'm glad to hear you are doing so well. I only hope that I can follow in your foot setps. My situation is very similar in that there are no children, so once the divorce is final there will be no reason to speak. My STBXH was also acting very cold and angry towards me and I didn't know why until I found out that he had a girlfriend. Nothing concrete, but clearing out phone logs is concrete enough for me. Your ex and her new guy deserve each other and you deserve someone that will love you the way you should be. Good luck.

[Mountains10]

I'm still lurking around, Mountain! Not much to add lately as my situation hasn't changed much in the last 10 days or so. And the advice I'm "qualified" to give isn't real long term as I've only just begun to walk away from the train wreck. I still view threads though to stay connected! I hope you are doing well.

 

Beers are on me tomorrow night! Meet you down at the pub and we'll play some darts and play grab a** with the waitress/local ladies.

 

You're a riot Sands, take some time off, head down this way when you get some time. We'd have a blast!

[Sands_of_time]

It's 2:18 A.M. and I am having another sleepness night this week. It's been pretty good for a while but I've had more contact with the STBXW than usual this week. She is coming on Saturday to get the rest of her belongings. She still won't send the divorce ppw. back (keeps saying I'll get it next week) and it's getting on my last nerve. I am ready to file and leave this ditch pig to her own demise.

 

I know I'm feeling like this because I've had more contact with her recently. I just realized that I'm angry. Vengeful angry. The older I get I think the longer my fuse gets but it just hit me that I've been angry with her for about 2-3 weeks (mumbling at work and home, yelling at her when no one is around..etc). I was "upset" prior to that for what she did but for some reason I've gone to another level.

 

Tonight I want the worst for her. Her last email to me was so arrogant I could scream bloody murder. How can someone who decieved, lied, cheated, p*ssed on me, p*ssed on herself, p*ssed on our marriage continue to be so arrogant? She makes me want to throw up.

 

Tonight I want an eye for an eye. Tonight I want to hurt her back 10 fold for her continued arrogance. No one deserves to be treated like this.

 

My advice to myself through this whole thing is to be calm. Tonight, I do not feel calm. I want her to suffer the full consequences of her actions and I wish her unimaginable pain and suffering.

 

Just had to vent...

[PWSX3]

You are not the only one my friend, been there done that. It is funny how everyone goes threw the same feelings, just at different times.

 

I remember last month while at work how all these words I would never call my stbxw started crossing my mind. I thought of her as everything you could think of.

 

It is part of the process, just another way I feel that we grieve.

[Sands_of_time]

................................Giddy-up!

 

So true DD! In time....!

[Sands_of_time]

You're a riot Sands, take some time off, head down this way when you get some time. We'd have a blast!

 

I hear you Mountain. Let's have some fun! If I get down your way I will definitely look you up!!

[Sands_of_time]

My STBXH was also acting very cold and angry towards me and I didn't know why until I found out that he had a girlfriend. Nothing concrete, but clearing out phone logs is concrete enough for me.

 

Thanks Suzanne. I know what you are saying. Cheating spouses..can't live with em' - can't kill em!

 

There is a big part of me that wants her to acknowledge what she's done. A BIG part. But I've had conversations with those I trust and those on the outside looking in and the advice I've got from most says don't waste your breath on trying to get her to admit it outright. I feel as if it will release some pressue inside my head when I hear a sincere admission of guilt.

 

I know I will more than likely never get this but it's just been a tough week this week.

 

I may only have to see her one more time....EVER. And that is tomorrow on her final moving day.

[Mountains10]

It's 2:18 A.M. and I am having another sleepness night this week. It's been pretty good for a while but I've had more contact with the STBXW than usual this week. She is coming on Saturday to get the rest of her belongings. She still won't send the divorce ppw. back (keeps saying I'll get it next week) and it's getting on my last nerve. I am ready to file and leave this ditch pig to her own demise.

 

I know I'm feeling like this because I've had more contact with her recently. I just realized that I'm angry. Vengeful angry. The older I get I think the longer my fuse gets but it just hit me that I've been angry with her for about 2-3 weeks (mumbling at work and home, yelling at her when no one is around..etc). I was "upset" prior to that for what she did but for some reason I've gone to another level.

 

Tonight I want the worst for her. Her last email to me was so arrogant I could scream bloody murder. How can someone who decieved, lied, cheated, p*ssed on me, p*ssed on herself, p*ssed on our marriage continue to be so arrogant? She makes me want to throw up.

 

Tonight I want an eye for an eye. Tonight I want to hurt her back 10 fold for her continued arrogance. No one deserves to be treated like this.

 

My advice to myself through this whole thing is to be calm. Tonight, I do not feel calm. I want her to suffer the full consequences of her actions and I wish her unimaginable pain and suffering.

 

Just had to vent...

 

Sands I know the feeling. When you have that contact with them it brings back all the feelings you've tried so hard to get rid of. Not only that, but you feel yourself cycling thru the stages of grief over and over again. Just when you think you've reached the 'acceptance' stage', you feel like you're back to 'angry' mode again. The only thing that will solve it in my opinion is complete NC for a while. I didn't have that luxury, but I was able to avoid her long enough to get my mind right again. I still slip back into that phase of wanting her again sometimes, but I see the results now of avoidance, she's coming after me. Do I want that? Not really, but it's better to be the one in control and not the other way around.

I know you're strong, and after you have your final seeing of her, I believe you can start to heal again. I think you will definitely start to feel better after not talking or seeing her for at least a couple weeks. Wow, it says 3:39am you were writing your post. You need to take you a swig of something good so it will put you to sleep!

[Sands_of_time]

You are not the only one my friend, been there done that. It is funny how everyone goes threw the same feelings, just at different times.

 

I remember last month while at work how all these words I would never call my stbxw started crossing my mind. I thought of her as everything you could think of.

 

It is part of the process, just another way I feel that we grieve.

 

Thanks PWSX-you are right. This is part of the process. It's weighing heavily on me this week. I am so angry with her. It feels quite deep.

 

I have been cheated on in the past by an ex-girlfriend (either it's something I'm doing or my ability to pick mates is way off--still haven't figured this one out yet) but this one stung a little worse becuase our lives were more intertwined.

 

I was angry with my ex-girlfriend for about 4 years--I know---that's a long time, it seems. I don't think I projected the anger anywhere--it was an emotion I had toward this one person who I felt hurt me. I wasn't p*ssed at the world for what she had done (thankfully).

 

She called me 2 years after she cheated and wanted to talk. I cut her off right away and said, "Don't you ever call me again, do you hear me?" She never did call again. And then I saw her about a month or so ago and I wasn't angry with her anymore. I have forgiven her but I will never let her come within 1,000 miles of me emotionally. There is an impenetrable wall that she will never be able to get through. This was the strongest mental wall I have ever built by far.

 

I feel the same thing is happening with my STBXW. I am getting the same STRONG feeling of anger toward her that I did with my ex-girlfriend. This might be coming across as cold-hearted, perhaps, but this part of me is not something I can control. It's an involuntary response happening inside me. Interesting...

[stillafool]

 

Here's what I am grappling with: When there IS communication between the two of us she is very cold and you can just feel the anger radiating from every pore. I can't fathom why SHE is the one who is angry. She cheated, she is the one who wants to leave. Why is SHE the one who is angry?

 

Any help is appreciated...

 

Your wife's conscience is eating her alive. Keep doing as you are doing and do not let her drag you in the gutter with her. She's knows she's in the gutter and hates it. What you are doing is the greatest revenge and you can see it's working even though you are not trying to hurt her. You are just being a decent person and she is realizing she is not on your level. Trust me, she'll try to or wish she could come back after you meet and start dating someone else. I hope you get over her and I wish you the best.

[stillafool]

It's 2:18 A.M. and I am having another sleepness night this week. It's been pretty good for a while but I've had more contact with the STBXW than usual this week. She is coming on Saturday to get the rest of her belongings. She still won't send the divorce ppw. back (keeps saying I'll get it next week) and it's getting on my last nerve. I am ready to file and leave this ditch pig to her own demise.

 

I know I'm feeling like this because I've had more contact with her recently. I just realized that I'm angry. Vengeful angry. The older I get I think the longer my fuse gets but it just hit me that I've been angry with her for about 2-3 weeks (mumbling at work and home, yelling at her when no one is around..etc). I was "upset" prior to that for what she did but for some reason I've gone to another level.

 

Tonight I want the worst for her. Her last email to me was so arrogant I could scream bloody murder. How can someone who decieved, lied, cheated, p*ssed on me, p*ssed on herself, p*ssed on our marriage continue to be so arrogant? She makes me want to throw up.

 

Tonight I want an eye for an eye. Tonight I want to hurt her back 10 fold for her continued arrogance. No one deserves to be treated like this.

 

My advice to myself through this whole thing is to be calm. Tonight, I do not feel calm. I want her to suffer the full consequences of her actions and I wish her unimaginable pain and suffering.

 

Just had to vent...

 

That's right, stay calm. She wants you to explode. Even though she has someone new her ego needs to know that you still care and want her. That is why she is acting out and purposely trying to get under your skin. She wants and needs a reaction. Don't give it to her even if it kills you. Once the divorce papers are done you will feel better because you will know you have moved on. It's okay and normal to feel angry with her right now. The anger will help you get over her and see things more clearly.

[suzanne2009]

I feel for you. I understand your confusion about how come she is the one that is mad when you are just giving her exactly what she said that she wanted. People are screwed up. You need to take care of you right now and if getting angry is the only way you can do that than so be it. I have bouts of anger, but nothing lasting. You, like me, need to be realistic about the relationship. If it is going to end then at leat let it end with yoru dignity in place.

[Sands_of_time]

That's right, stay calm. She wants you to explode. Even though she has someone new her ego needs to know that you still care and want her. That is why she is acting out and purposely trying to get under your skin. She wants and needs a reaction. Don't give it to her even if it kills you. Once the divorce papers are done you will feel better because you will know you have moved on. It's okay and normal to feel angry with her right now. The anger will help you get over her and see things more clearly.

 

I need to keep reminding myself of that--stay calm. For some reason it's all flooding back again this week. I think Mountain said it in an earlier post--once the final move is done this Saturday there will be NC again and the healing can continue.

 

I hurt today. Very much like I'm back in months 1 and 2. So painful.

[Sands_of_time]

I feel for you. I understand your confusion about how come she is the one that is mad when you are just giving her exactly what she said that she wanted. People are screwed up. You need to take care of you right now and if getting angry is the only way you can do that than so be it. I have bouts of anger, but nothing lasting. You, like me, need to be realistic about the relationship. If it is going to end then at leat let it end with yoru dignity in place.

 

Suzanne--I made up my mind pretty early on what I wanted to do. I went NC almost from the get go. The odds are so stacked against recovery (combine that with us not having kids yet and she potentially can't have them anyway because of a female issue) I knew what I had to do.

 

After D-Day I feel like I got knocked out. Got knocked unconscious. My eyes were open but I could not speak. I felt my soul was near death in a way. Then something happened on Day 41 where I got up on one knee. As I looked around at all the billowing black smoke and all the train cars piled up onto one another I realized that I was still alive and that I had survived the train wreck. The carnage was immense and I was hurting, but I knew I was alive. Around Day 65 I stood up on both feet, started to assess the damage that was around me and looked at how I could start cleaning my wounds. I know...sounds dramatic but it was a dramatic crash!

 

It's been said there are stages of grief and you don't necessarily go from stage 1, to 2, to 3...etc (I think PWSX3 was trying to say this in an earlier post). You flip flop back and forth at different times. I flip flopped this week. Grrrr......

[suzanne2009]

Sands - you are an encouragement to me. I can only hope to become so centered and focused. You seem to be on the right track. Have divorce papers been started yet? Who filed? If it was her, how long did it take her to file from the time shes decided she wanted a divorce?

[Sands_of_time]

Sands - you are an encouragement to me. I can only hope to become so centered and focused. You seem to be on the right track. Have divorce papers been started yet? Who filed? If it was her, how long did it take her to file from the time shes decided she wanted a divorce?

 

Good question. When D-Day arrived and I called her on the affair she immediately said she wanted a divorce. We decided to not get attorney's as it should be a relatively simple divorce (no kids. no fighting about the house). I downloaded the ppw. from the internet and filled out my portion. I then met her in early December and gave the ppw. to her so she could fill our her portion. She has yet to send the ppw. back to me so I can look it over. She's had it over 2 months and she keeps saying that I'll get it next week (it's always next week!)...blah, blah, blah. I am contemplating on setting a date that if I don't have it back I will just file my portion and she'll have X number of days to get her portion in. I am ready to file.

 

I am not sure why she is delaying. She HAS to know that I am 100% done and that I have such a high disdain for her. Then again I've kept my cards (aka feelings) pretty close to my chest so maybe I need to say it straight up to her--I'm done honey bunny.

[suzanne2009]

I feel like I am married to the male version of your STBXW. Immediately jump to the big D word when things are tough. I don't know if you were wanting to work it out after you found out about the affair but she could have at least asked... Anyway, my STBXH said that we would file because "he doesn't want this to drag out and he wants to get on with his life" To which I said okay and now two weeks later...nothing. I even looked at his laptop to see if he was researching Florida divorces and nothing. I kind of thought that you could do that sh*& on the internet, but now I am certain. Thanks.