dead-dyke Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 Yes ,I always get the 'our marriage was over years ago' speach.and 'the OM just sped up the process of us breaking up' All revisionist history.But I am afraid her friends and family believe every word of it.And even support her in this. Write off her friends and family. They do, and will. You are part of the problem. Remember? If it wasn't for you, there would be no more reason to bring a third party into it. I've completely lost touch with people I've cared about on her side. I won't even get a friendly response from a how are you doing? email back anymore. They write you off. Blood is thicker than water. Welcome to the family. Silly wedding talk. Wow. this is really coming off cynical. I'm not even concerned w/ what she thinks anymore, contrary to how my posts sound today. Link to post Share on other sites
paperchase Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 Write off her friends and family. They do, and will. You are part of the problem. Remember? If it wasn't for you, there would be no more reason to bring a third party into it. I've completely lost touch with people I've cared about on her side. I won't even get a friendly response from a how are you doing? email back anymore. They write you off. Blood is thicker than water. Welcome to the family. Silly wedding talk. Wow. this is really coming off cynical. I'm not even concerned w/ what she thinks anymore, contrary to how my posts sound today. Blood is indeed thicker than water and those friends you shared which were really her friends will remain by her side. I wasn't really a super social type and my x-wife was. When we parted I had to build an entirely new social circle. I also had a very small family while hers was like a posse. I thought I married into the family which was important to me because I had very few blood related relatives. Anyway, I lost it all and that's ok with me now. Her friends were losers and her family, save a few, were not nice people. My new social circle is so much better because I created it. They are MY friends and they have MY best interests at heart. Don't be scared and don't care what the old crew thinks because their minds are already made up. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sands_of_time Posted January 2, 2009 Author Share Posted January 2, 2009 When we parted I had to build an entirely new social circle. I also had a very small family while hers was like a posse. I thought I married into the family which was important to me because I had very few blood related relatives. I know exactly what you mean. My STBXW has a huge social circle with both family and friends. That was one of the things that attracted me to her--how gregarious she is/was. For the first 10 days my STBXW's mother didn't talk to her after I exposed the EA. She was PISSED at her daughter. But eventually she and the rest of her family came around. You are right, blood is thicker than water. After she threw me under the bus and lined up every bad personality trait and every "wrong" thing I'd ever done it's easy to understand how big of an a**hole I am. I am not there to defend my side! Someone else in a previous post said the same thing--I hear you! Although...I got an email from her sister the other day saying she and the family missed me at X-MAS. I was 3 sheets to the wind last night and about 9:30 P.M. went to get the mail from the mailbox. My STBXW's mom sent me an X-MAS card with a present and a note wishing Merry-XMAS, Happy NEW YEAR..etc. I cried for 2 hours after I opened it. I suppose the booze didn't help... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sands_of_time Posted January 2, 2009 Author Share Posted January 2, 2009 I feel like I made a lot of "deposits" (not sure what else to call it) if you will on her side of the family. I really tried to be a part of her family and they tried to be a part of mine. I've never had a relationship with the in-laws like that--it was a beautiful feeling! I've never had that with any other woman's family--at least to this extent. I genuinely liked 99% of her family...and friends for that matter and it was reciprocated. What a pisser it is to lose that, too. 62 days and counting... Link to post Share on other sites
skinman Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 I feel like I made a lot of "deposits" (not sure what else to call it) if you will on her side of the family. I really tried to be a part of her family and they tried to be a part of mine. I've never had a relationship with the in-laws like that--it was a beautiful feeling! I've never had that with any other woman's family--at least to this extent. I genuinely liked 99% of her family...and friends for that matter and it was reciprocated. What a pisser it is to lose that, too. 62 days and counting... Hang in there NFT, things will start looking up friend.. I know about the family thing my stbxw family lives a few miles away.. once all this started they totaly cut me out of thier lives.. I cant even see my nephews who I have watched grow up, taken fishing and to ballgames... Its a shame for them that I cant be a part of their lives anymore.. Try and keep strong... good things will come to us friend you just have to believe !! Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 The differnece between most in-laws and out-laws? Out-laws are wanted! I don't need any fair weather friends. A true friend won't only help you bury a body, they'll bring a shovel! Link to post Share on other sites
dead-dyke Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 The differnece between most in-laws and out-laws? Out-laws are wanted! I don't need any fair weather friends. A true friend won't only help you bury a body, they'll bring a shovel! Sweet post, Gunny! Couldn't be more true. Link to post Share on other sites
dannydrifter Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 For the first 10 days my STBXW's mother didn't talk to her after I exposed the EA. She was PISSED at her daughter. But eventually she and the rest of her family came around. You are lucky they even believed you. When I found out about my STBXW's affair (after we separated), I called up her parents but they wouldn't believe me. She already beat me to it by painting a horrible picture of me to them, that when I spoke with them they were already "pissed off" at me!! Regarding the angry WS, you can add me to the club too. I tried to get back together with my wife, but nothing worked. Every time I contact her she get really mad and goes crazy at times, eventually blaming me for everything and never taking accountability for the cheating. She gets really angry whenever I dare mention the OM and the cheating, and refers to the whole situation as "old news" and then proceeds to blast me out about all the things I did wrong from years back. Whenever I talk to her she is quick to remind me that she can call the police if I don't stop trying to contact her. I am never talking badly to her, and all I am trying to do is be nice. She gets totally furious and psycho with me, it's just almost comical when I take a step back and look at the big picture. I've even had members of my family listening to our conversation (while on speakerphone) and they sit there and shake their heads in amazement and wondering "who is this person?". The thing I find most incredible is trying to figure out how a person who claims to have loved me so much, can behave this way. It seems she has no guilt, remorse or pity in the least. I don't know where she find the strength and conviction to carry on like that, and frankly I find the idea of it rather frightening and depressing. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 Here's what I am grappling with: When there IS communication between the two of us she is very cold and you can just feel the anger radiating from every pore. Thats because she got busted. She no longer can freely keep engaging in an affair because you caught her. She is angry because she was exposed. And as if anything could be more lousy than a cheating spouse, its a cheating spouse that gets angry once they have to stop their affair. Maybe she needs a pink slip from you. I can't fathom why SHE is the one who is angry. She cheated, she is the one who wants to leave. Why is SHE the one who is angry? Because she is a #$!%&!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
LostNLonely Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 A cheating individual's brain chemistry literally changes due to the emotions, affair high, lies that have to be told, and shame. They've done tests on this. The brain of a lying individual actually functions at a HIGHER level because that person has to mentally work to suppress the truth, keep facial reactions and tone in check during the lie, and be thinking 2 or 3 steps ahead in preparation for questions and doubt. Not even THEY believe what they are saying, so this task is mentally exhausting. Because they have to keep their emotions in check, the cheaters reaction is to essentially shut them down completely when interacting with you. One of the most base human emotions is anger; it's a lower-functioning emotion. So while the person's brain, when lying and cheating, is functioning at a higher level, his/her emotional capability is functioning at a lower level because of the shutdown. What then generally results in is either a sort of catatonic state (where the person barely says anything at all and appears cold, as my cheating ex-husband did) or he/she reacts at that base level - with anger and rage. The anger really isn't directed AT you. It's an expression of what that person is feeling. Oh sure, it feels personal and I don't doubt that you take it that way, but this person is functioning and a new and different level - it's amazing what goes on in the brain of a person having an affair. OP, I can promise you that you will ultimately have no regrets continuing on the path of taking the high road. Seriously. I am now just over a year from my divorce and about 1.5 years since the revelation, and in my darkest days (and you'll have many, many of them) one of the most precious things I was able to cling to was that I never gave him a reason to say "Wow, so glad I'm leaving THAT raging brat." He had to walk out on a good woman - I wasn't going to allow him to change who _I_ am. He was NOT going to take that way from me too. Just be careful not to be TOO unemotional or TOO "in your head." The emotions will eventually take over and overwhelm you if you continually suppress them. I strongly urge you to consider finding a qualified therapist who specializes in grief counseling now. You'll need a "safe place to fall" emotionally, and your friends' abilities are limited and your spouse no longer fills that role. My heart goes out to you. Best of luck. You'll make it. I wanna date this woman named Crestfallen... OP, take it easy on the alcohol and sleeping pills my friend, their no substitute for natural fatigue induced sleep. Go see a therapist as has been recommended. Spend time with your friends and family, the people wjho love you the most will be your best source of comfort. Your in my thoughts and prayers. Your better off with the stbx, but then you know this much is true. A woman who loved you as much as she loved herself would never have treated you this way. She'd have self-respect for herself and therefore respect for your feelings as well. She is a ditch pig of a woman (my newest terminology-many thxs to Dexter). You deserve better, so do the other posters. Link to post Share on other sites
skinman Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 The thing I find most incredible is trying to figure out how a person who claims to have loved me so much, can behave this way. It seems she has no guilt, remorse or pity in the least. I don't know where she find the strength and conviction to carry on like that, and frankly I find the idea of it rather frightening and depressing. I wonder this myself after close to 16 years with this woman she can treat me worse than a pice of crap... It saddening to think someone we would have given our lives for can turn into such a heartless bitch only caring about herself..!!! Link to post Share on other sites
dead-dyke Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 OP, take it easy on the alcohol and sleeping pills my friend. Take heed at this. I'll share a tiny bit........ and I'll never ever admit to anyone on here which one, or when it aired, but the ex friend whom my wife left for had attempted suicide because he ran his wife off because of alcohol. And his depression and drinking got so bad, he was on a fairly popular tv show on A&E. She didn't want our marriage anymore, or a chance to even fix it w/ her, because she was going to save this ... 'friend'. And sleep w/ him since she was there too. And to the best of my knowledge, he still struggles w/ the addiction. My ex said a couple of things on international tv I guess to justify her position. What she did was, is reinforce what I had exposed to everyone who knew us... And proved me right to the family that I still have. And that's all I'll say about that. All I'm saying is don't let it get to far, before you can't stop. Link to post Share on other sites
replicator Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 nft1976, I admire your composure throughout all this. I literally fell apart and went into zombie mode for a few months after I found out my ex had left for another man (after of course the line about needing some space). In the end, I came to the realization that we can't hold onto someone who doesn't want to stay. Right or wrong, we're not their handlers, and they have free will. That's what makes love so great, but also makes it so risky. What does love mean, when they are willing to let the house you've built together crumble on top of you while they look the other way? That's not love. Love is when you let the other person go, and show compassion even though they've done you wrong. That takes a real man. All I can say after reading through this forum, is that survivors of betrayal seem to develop a stronger sense of self, and become more resilient. It's been several months for me. I do feel better, but like a scar, it doesn't quite heal completely. There are always remnants of the past to remind you where you've been. I really hope this new year brings some positive developments for you. And yes, she turned so cold on me before I found out. It was like she became someone else over night. The most trivial things she would blow up, and the way she looked at me, it was as if there was rage behind her eyes. I definitely agree with the others, that they need to vilify us to convince themselves that we're the cause of their infidelity. Deep down inside though, they know that what they did was wrong, but it just shows their true colours. Link to post Share on other sites
sumdude Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 All I can say after reading through this forum, is that survivors of betrayal seem to develop a stronger sense of self, and become more resilient. It's been several months for me. I do feel better, but like a scar, it doesn't quite heal completely. There are always remnants of the past to remind you where you've been. I know that going through what I've been through the last couple of years. The divorce and the loss of my parents the important thing I learned was a greater sense of compassion. For others going through it and for myself. Tales of love and betrayal are as old as the human race and at some point in life everyone experiences them in some way. I found a different kind of strength, I recall one day I was with my ex wife dealing with the legal aspects, visiting the lawyer getting paperwork done. I really tried to take the high road which I'll never regret. After all the deceit and confusion and me hoping and trying to make it work for a while while she seemed to just play games with me. X : "Well most men would fight to keep their wives." me: " In my life I may have been a fool but I'm not an idiot." Link to post Share on other sites
dannydrifter Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 Sumdude: And if you did fight to keep her, she would them have scorned you for being desperate and told you to stop harassing her. That's what I got. Link to post Share on other sites
sumdude Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 Sumdude: And if you did fight to keep her, she would them have scorned you for being desperate and told you to stop harassing her. That's what I got. I did for a while and that's how she acted but then the realization came that I was casting pearls before swine.. so to speak. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 Why is WS the one who is angry? Because you become the mirror of their own offenses. If they can't project their anger onto you, they have no where else to project it except at themselves, where it belongs. When this happens, they have to admit to themselves how low they've stooped, with the lying and cheating. I'm glad you guys aren't fighting for them. IMO, cheaters need repercussions. If there are none that are painful and meaningful, they'll do it again and again. Link to post Share on other sites
SoulSearch_CO Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 I have had problems with my temper and admit that at times I could be a little immature with it. (I have done a lot of work on it, though - don't be too hard on me.) So I will say, coming from someone that used to sometimes say things to my X to see if I could get SOME kind of response from him...just keep playing it cool. If you are having communication with her and she's just being downright childish, then politely let her know that you're finding it difficult to have an adult conversation with her in light of her words...so maybe it would be best to continue the conversation at a later time. It always helped to defuse me when he chose the adult path, but in addition called me on my behavior. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 I married an eight grade juniior high school drop out, and she wrecked my world! WTF! Somewhere in my mind and head I got it into my deluxe brain housing group that this was the best I could do. All I could do. I begin reading ~ forget this ~ forget this heartheach and pain! I begin researching, growing and learning! I found out about a PUA (Pick Up Artist) it became too easy. There's no scaritity of men, nor or there any scaritity of women ~ there is but your fear of such. The world is covered up with them ~ last count? Somewhere around 6 billion of them? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sands_of_time Posted January 3, 2009 Author Share Posted January 3, 2009 I wonder this myself after close to 16 years with this woman she can treat me worse than a pice of crap... It saddening to think someone we would have given our lives for can turn into such a heartless bitch only caring about herself..!!! I hear you Skin. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sands_of_time Posted January 3, 2009 Author Share Posted January 3, 2009 You are lucky they even believed you. When I found out about my STBXW's affair (after we separated), I called up her parents but they wouldn't believe me. She already beat me to it by painting a horrible picture of me to them, that when I spoke with them they were already "pissed off" at me!! Regarding the angry WS, you can add me to the club too. Danny--welcome to the club. I think it was dead-dyke that said there was a playbook that they follow. It's somewhat fascinating how a lot of WS behavior is predictable. There are 100 stories of the SAME behavior from the WS. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sands_of_time Posted January 3, 2009 Author Share Posted January 3, 2009 I wanna date this woman named Crestfallen... OP, take it easy on the alcohol and sleeping pills my friend, their no substitute for natural fatigue induced sleep. Go see a therapist as has been recommended. Spend time with your friends and family, the people wjho love you the most will be your best source of comfort. Your in my thoughts and prayers. Your better off with the stbx, but then you know this much is true. Good advice lost. I stopped taking the sleeping pills a few nights ago and cut back on the booze a bit. I have just enough to get me to not care/decent buzz and then I'll cut it off. I feel this is situational and I've never done this before. Cross your fingers this "situation" doesn't turn into a 10 year situation. I'm still not sleeping and I have this constant hole in my gut. I talk about this every night (still) with my father who has been a godsend. I am 100X closer to him because of this. My mother, too. I have a couple of close friends who I talk to about it but in limited fashion as it does get old for them. It wouldn't help to make another appt. with my counselor. Good advice. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sands_of_time Posted January 3, 2009 Author Share Posted January 3, 2009 The differnece between most in-laws and out-laws? Out-laws are wanted! I don't need any fair weather friends. A true friend won't only help you bury a body, they'll bring a shovel! Sorry Gunny...I missed this post. HOo RAH! Link to post Share on other sites
sumdude Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 Good advice lost. I stopped taking the sleeping pills a few nights ago and cut back on the booze a bit. I have just enough to get me to not care/decent buzz and then I'll cut it off. I feel this is situational and I've never done this before. Cross your fingers this "situation" doesn't turn into a 10 year situation. I'm still not sleeping and I have this constant hole in my gut. I talk about this every night (still) with my father who has been a godsend. I am 100X closer to him because of this. My mother, too. I have a couple of close friends who I talk to about it but in limited fashion as it does get old for them. It wouldn't help to make another appt. with my counselor. Good advice. It took me a while to get good sleep again, hard to remember exactly but it was a few weeks at least. I went the other direction, at the time my ex took off in Jan '07 I had been drinking too much and was 60 lbs overweight. I went completely sober and worked out like a madman for six months. Wearing out my body and getting those endorphins flowing worked better than any cocktail or pill for sleeping. My dad became my best buddy too. My mom had passed away just the year before and we found ourselves in the same boat for different reasons. Then during this last year his health took a major downturn ending with his passing in November. I can say one thing for certain. If my ex had still been with me and I was still dealing with her and her attitudes then taking care of my dad this last year would have been so much more difficult and I probably would not have had the chance to get so close to him before he was gone. So I think sometimes things do happen for a reason. We just can't see them at the time. Hang in there, it's gonna be alright. Link to post Share on other sites
sumdude Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 Danny--welcome to the club. I think it was dead-dyke that said there was a playbook that they follow. It's somewhat fascinating how a lot of WS behavior is predictable. There are 100 stories of the SAME behavior from the WS. There's an e-book out there called Women's Infidelity.. it's real eye opener. The stories all do seem the same, the playbook does all seem the same. The words all seem the same "I love You but I'm not in Love With You" or "I don't love you the way a wife should." (I'm not interested in you sexually anymore) "I just need some space." or "I need to find myself." (I want time to have sex with someone else) Link to post Share on other sites
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