Why is WS the one who is angry?

[Sands_of_time]

I feel like I am married to the male version of your STBXW. Immediately jump to the big D word when things are tough. I don't know if you were wanting to work it out after you found out about the affair but she could have at least asked... Anyway, my STBXH said that we would file because "he doesn't want this to drag out and he wants to get on with his life" To which I said okay and now two weeks later...nothing. I even looked at his laptop to see if he was researching Florida divorces and nothing. I kind of thought that you could do that sh*& on the internet, but now I am certain. Thanks.

 

I hear that. It seems the majority of our stories end in the same way--it's Divorce, unfortunately. If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck it's usually a duck (ie. all the signs are there he/she is cheating).

 

When they quickly say they want a divorce it could mean they are further down the recovery path and potentially have someone waiting in the wings with open arms. They have a safety net. How easy would it be to jump from six stories up KNOWING/THINKING/FEELING you aren't going to get hurt because of the soft air bag down below?

 

I don't know for sure but it sounds like the AIR BAG is a farce in the end for many WS's. They think it will cushion their fall and temporarily it probably does. But once reality sets in and the air deflates I hope the bag that they thought would save them will actually become so entangled in their bodies that it chokes them as they try to scurry off to the side and onto the ground. I just re-read this--it's a bit morbid but who's perfect!

 

I'm sure some WS's go on to live happily ever after but the statistics say that they don't.

 

You are so right about our spouses being identical. Keep your eyes and ears open for more signs of cheating. Have you thought about installing a key logger on his computer? Many people in here have suggested that if you want to get to the truth.

[suzanne2009]

I have thought about it, but really what is the point. I don't think that he would do anything on the computer anyway. I am a computer engineer and he knows that I have all kinds of access to those types of things. I think that if I read something like that it would probably crush me and send me back 10 steps. I am doing well and starting to move on. I move into my apartment this weekend and then I will be okay. No constant reminders. I said in my post that I gained some power back on Thursday night and then did not come home until yesterday. When I walked into the bedroom all of the pictures were gone. I think his attempt to get come control back - whatever. Hope that everything continues to go well for you. Stay strong and keep me posted on your progress.

[Sands_of_time]

I have thought about it, but really what is the point. I don't think that he would do anything on the computer anyway. I am a computer engineer and he knows that I have all kinds of access to those types of things. I think that if I read something like that it would probably crush me and send me back 10 steps. I am doing well and starting to move on. I move into my apartment this weekend and then I will be okay. No constant reminders. I said in my post that I gained some power back on Thursday night and then did not come home until yesterday. When I walked into the bedroom all of the pictures were gone. I think his attempt to get come control back - whatever. Hope that everything continues to go well for you. Stay strong and keep me posted on your progress.

 

Good to hear you are doing ok, Suzanne. It's going to be a journey and I think you are doing well so far. Hang in there as it's going to be ride with lots of ups and downs.

 

So....my STBXW came to get the rest of her belongings yesterday--the final move. I haven't seen her in 2 months. Just looking at her disgusted me to my core and it literally drained the life out of me.

 

She complained that she won't be able to use the deck (just built a new deck and had some fun parties, bbq's on it..etc) anymore and she doesn't get to enjoy this and that anymore...yackety yack yack. So I said, "it was your choice to leave. It was YOUR choice. You had all of this to enjoy but you CHOSE to leave." She then said that I FORCED her to leave. I almost went ballistic. To continue to blame me for her indiscretion and other issues in our marriage is so painful it makes me want to scream that this is murder to the n'th degree. I was not the perfect husband but I feel she murdered our marriage and life together. You can't undo murder.

 

I'm only 4 months into this journey. If her teeth were on fire I would not stop to p*ss on them at this point. Harsh, but true.

[suzanne2009]

I am so proud of you!!! The anger will pass and then you will get to a point of calm serenity. I am so looking forward to that point as I know you are as well. You have to expect her to continue blaming you, that is how she is able to sleep at night. Eventually as time passes, she will realize that she was the one that had the affair and killed the marriage and not you. You may never know that she has gotten to this point, but undoubtedly she will. Keep the faith and continue to be strong. Keep me posted.

[Sands_of_time]

It's been said that the more you see your STBX the harder it is to heal. But as time passes each time you see them you heal quicker. I am finding that to be true.

 

When my STBXW made her final move this Saturday it was very difficult. Sunday was difficult. Today is Monday and it hurt. But tonight is tolerable.

 

More days like this please and God Bless the fact for two things: No Contact and Time. They are a Godsend.

[suzanne2009]

Well now at least you can start the healing process. I am still in the house (my apartment will not be ready until this weekend) and when I am away staying at friends, then it is so much easier. When I come back to this house, even when he is not here I feel like I am back at square one. I don't know how you did it for four months. I don't think I could of. Now that she has finally moved all of her stuff out, you can concentrate fully on yourself. Spoil yourself, you deserve it.

[Sands_of_time]

So it's been a while since I've posted on here. Hopefully the update helps other newbies that are wondering what might be coming down the road if they are just getting on the roller coaster.

 

I am still on a journey of a lifetime, no doubt about it. The tears are almost completely gone except for one that sneaks in every couple of weeks or so. The shock is gone and I'm adjusting to single life again. It has certainly not been a cake walk learning to walk again but after you re-learn a few things you realize that you can navigate the world just fine on your own. It's empowering at times!

 

I mentioned the shock is gone, but something else exists inside me and it feels quite heavy. I'm pretty sure it's anger. I'm not angry at the world...just her. Hopefully this is just a phase and it too shall pass.

 

I've had the good fortune to cook breakfast for a couple new girls a time or two and that has helped with the healing process (for all you guys going through something similar, the hook-up does wonders--but make sure you are ready). Nothing serious, though as I think this is going to take a year or more to fully heal.

 

I'm still strapped in to the roller coaster ride....but much more comfortable than in months 1 and 2.

[dead-dyke]

Congrats, Sands. Good to hear you're getting better.

[Gunny376]

The best thing that you can do is to get physically active as in an active PT program (i.e joining a gym and going for 1-1/2 hours a day X 5's a week)

 

If you go at the start of the day, do aerobic exercise, (running, jogging, aerobics) and if you go at the end of the day to anaerobic exercise, (pumping iron).

 

It won't pump morphemes the into your deluxe brain housing group like "falling in love" or smoking some crack cocaine/meth (SERIOUSLY NOT RECOMMENDED) ~ but its the next best thing that's both legal, the least damaging to your overall mental, emotional, physical and pyschological health.

 

You'll feel better mentally, emotionally, psychologically, physically ~ you'll sleep better, and when you awake you will feel refreshed.

 

Go to an Excel spreadsheet, and in one or two words in each cell write your positive attributes ~ such as

 

Intelligent/Perspective

A Leader

Educated

Humorous

Conversant on many subjects

Tall

Good Listener

Confident/Cocky

Funny

Self Disciplined

Creative,.............................

 

Then take to a copier that has the capacity to reduce it to business card size, (use the reverse button so the lettering comes out white and the background comes out black)

 

Laminate it, and when you find yourself in a down moment? Whip it out and give it a quick read-over a couple of times, to remind yourself of all the positive things that you've got going for yourself and in your life!

 

When thinking of the X, remind yourself that the graveyard is full of people that we can't do without. Indeed, you might want to frame your mind and thoughts as though she was deceased, (Just don't help her along the way! )

 

In the end? Anyone can be replaced! Just make sure you "trade-up!" from what you have. Like many of us we had to discover what we're not looking for ~ before~ we could appreciate what we are looking for!

[Dexter Morgan]

Getting back to the premise of this thread..."Why is WS the one who is angry?"

 

Its pretty simple. They are cheaters. They have lousy character. So why be surprised that they are angry at getting caught?

[Sands_of_time]

Thanks for checking in DD, Gunny and Dexter.

 

I agree that getting fit/healthy also helps in the healing process. It seems to keep the mind sharp. I haven't gone full on PT 45 minutes a day or anything but started doing some basic exercising and it definitely helps.

 

Good point on the original question...why is the WS the one who is angry? I feel it's a "front" to protect themeselves, to protect their ego, and to protect their status. To admit the wrongdoing is going to require saying, "I was wrong. I screwed up." It's probably not the same for everyone but my STBXW had trouble admitting when she was wrong. She would go to her grave/fight to the death over a topic/subject even though 100 different points would be made that would show her another side to the story.

[pelicanpreacher]

:mad:I don't really have much to add on this subject, since, my story, is just like everyone else's but felt compelled to chime in non the less. My ex cheated and left me for the OW who he is now married too and has a baby with. At the time he had left, he had known her for a month or two and was with me for 7 years. We were plannign our wedding and he was in love one day and **hated** me the next. Throughout the whole time we were breaking up his anger towards me was what confused me the most. I posted my questions on here many a time. It didn't and still doesn't make sense to me why they project the anger to us and feel the need to kick up while we are done.

 

I think for me I was more hurt by his anger and the negative things he said. I mean, obviously the fact that he was leaving me for another woman and the shattering of the dreams I had with him were painful, but, I couldn't understand how he could be so cold, and mean, and not care that he was leaving. He continued his awful behavious months and months after we stopped talking. He would post things on myspace as he knew I was looking at them. The worst things possible. Updates on his life for no one else to see but me. The pain was unbearable. The confusion, the feeling of loss, the terrible anguish. Ugh, I would hate to be back there.

 

I wish I understood why, how, when. I think understanding woudl help put some closure on it. I guess I just feel like if it is them doing it to spare themselves pain, then they really do care, so why not try and work it out with the person they spent so much time with. How the switch from hot to cold in such a short time? Sure, some relationships have hit a lot point and the red flags are there, but I still don't see them, a year and a half down the line. So, either he was a good liar or I am still in denial?

 

Do I wish I was with him, at this moment today, no. I understand that we weren't made for each other and that I woudl have been settling had I married him, but still, he gets to be in love and happy and have a baby with this 'love of his life' or so he says and I get to pick up the pieces and be broken and sad for months and months while he immediately starts playing house, moved 1,000s of miles from home, and starts a brand new life with no debt as he left it all for me to pay for (it was all in my name.)

 

So, the lack of fairness and then all the anger they spew at us...seems so unfair. Sure, life is unfair but what happened to 'good things happen to good people'? What is the 'karma' that we are all paying for right now? Seems like it should be the other way around, doesn't it?

 

Confused, this guy was a con man. As soon as he felt the heat of responsibility to actually pay for his con he moved onto another woman. This one, however, got pregnant so he got himself on the hook for child support that would have landed his sorry azz in jail if he didn't marry her because there's no way he was going to live looking over his shoulder while arrearages mounted. Nevertheless, he is abusing her credit just like he did yours for he is a creature of habit and will never know what its like to be a man and stand on his own two feet!

[Sands_of_time]

It's now been 6 months since this Crazy Train left the station.

 

The Divorce is almost complete and the paperwork is sitting on the judge's desk as I type this. All that is left for her to sign is the quit claim deed to the property and that will be that.

 

In the middle of March 2009 I severed all contact 100% (did not respond to any texts, phone calls, emails, removed and blocked her from Facebook...etc) because the ppw. was now being processed by the County. She is still very angry and her communication with me has not changed in tone (although she left me so it's still mind boggling). It makes it worse, I believe, when I don't "spar" with her when she lashes out and attacks. I never wanted to spar with her in the marriage so I'm not sure why she would think I would want to fight now.

 

The pain at Month 6 is like a continuous dull body ache. I definitely need more time to get back to "normal," whatever that is. Maybe 6-12 months more, quite frankly. I have a triple layer "shield" with extra dense super coating around my entire being. There is no possible way a woman could penetrate the shield right now. But on the bright side, I am doing some light dating and it's quite fun meeting new people! Letting them know up front that I'm just out to meet new people and have fun seems to be the trick.

 

I'm still strapped in because this ride still hasn't come to a complete stop.

[Gunny376]

It's now been 6 months since this Crazy Train left the station.

 

The Divorce is almost complete and the paperwork is sitting on the judge's desk as I type this. All that is left for her to sign is the quit claim deed to the property and that will be that.

 

In the middle of March 2009 I severed all contact 100% (did not respond to any texts, phone calls, emails, removed and blocked her from Facebook...etc) because the ppw. was now being processed by the County. She is still very angry and her communication with me has not changed in tone (although she left me so it's still mind boggling). It makes it worse, I believe, when I don't "spar" with her when she lashes out and attacks. I never wanted to spar with her in the marriage so I'm not sure why she would think I would want to fight now.

 

The pain at Month 6 is like a continuous dull body ache. I definitely need more time to get back to "normal," whatever that is. Maybe 6-12 months more, quite frankly. I have a triple layer "shield" with extra dense super coating around my entire being. There is no possible way a woman could penetrate the shield right now. But on the bright side, I am doing some light dating and it's quite fun meeting new people! Letting them know up front that I'm just out to meet new people and have fun seems to be the trick.

 

I'm still strapped in because this ride still hasn't come to a complete stop.

 

You ROCK!

 

Beware the "Re-bound" Demon/vampire!

[Sands_of_time]

Good advice, Gunny. The triple layer shield that has enveloped my "outer self" would stop a charging rhino. I won't let myself get close to anyone/get close to me until enough time passes. The shield is as thick as the day is long.

 

But the #1 thing on the agenda is FUN. There is a back door through the triple layer shield that allows light dating, sex, and just plain old wholesome debauchery. I have to figure me out first/live single for a while, let the anger dissipate and then the shields will come down (I hope). But first, let's have a drink and see what kind of trouble/fun we can get into. :)

[Sands_of_time]

It's been 7.5 months since the train wreck occurred. She seems even more angry than before, believe it or not. I woke up early the other morning and this analogy popped into my head at about 5:00 A.M:

 

I envision my life as a zoo. A fun zoo--a place where families, moms, dads, children, and friends go to have fun. There's the ticket taker in her uniform behind the glass stand, the refreshment/snack stand, the tiger cages, the elephants, the penguin aquarium....all the things you know of a zoo. 110% effort went into making sure the zoo was clean, ran properly and guests had a good time. I get huge "life satisfaction" from that.

 

7.5 months ago my partner came in like a Tornado and destroyed the zoo in its entirety. Every guest ran feverishly for shelter and every animal screamed and roared to be released. But nothing survived.

 

I cried tears of sadness and could not understand this devastating outcome. I put 110% into building this zoo and felt it was impossible that this event occurred. What did I contribute that made the Tornado so devastating? After about 2 months of grief, suffering and anguish, the tears lessened.

 

Enter my Oompa Loompa's (which I didn't know existed before the Tornado). Several of them appeared at an unknown date and started cleaning up the aftermath. The animals were removed, their cages cleaned and sterilized, and a lot of the trash has been cleaned up.

 

At 7.5 months, I do not know if the zoo will re-open even after all is cleaned. If it re-opens it will not be as it was before (hopefully better?!). In the meantime, I'm exploring other opportunities and adventures (a.k.a. fun parties and fun women) that I would have never experienced while working at and building the zoo.

 

It's still too early to tell but enjoying life and all it has to offer is very rewarding.

[TrustInYourself]

It's been 7.5 months since the train wreck occurred. She seems even more angry than before, believe it or not. I woke up early the other morning and this analogy popped into my head at about 5:00 A.M:

 

I envision my life as a zoo. A fun zoo--a place where families, moms, dads, children, and friends go to have fun. There's the ticket taker in her uniform behind the glass stand, the refreshment/snack stand, the tiger cages, the elephants, the penguin aquarium....all the things you know of a zoo. 110% effort went into making sure the zoo was clean, ran properly and guests had a good time. I get huge "life satisfaction" from that.

 

7.5 months ago my partner came in like a Tornado and destroyed the zoo in its entirety. Every guest ran feverishly for shelter and every animal screamed and roared to be released. But nothing survived.

 

I cried tears of sadness and could not understand this devastating outcome. I put 110% into building this zoo and felt it was impossible that this event occurred. What did I contribute that made the Tornado so devastating? After about 2 months of grief, suffering and anguish, the tears lessened.

 

Enter my Oompa Loompa's (which I didn't know existed before the Tornado). Several of them appeared at an unknown date and started cleaning up the aftermath. The animals were removed, their cages cleaned and sterilized, and a lot of the trash has been cleaned up.

 

At 7.5 months, I do not know if the zoo will re-open even after all is cleaned. If it re-opens it will not be as it was before (hopefully better?!). In the meantime, I'm exploring other opportunities and adventures (a.k.a. fun parties and fun women) that I would have never experienced while working at and building the zoo.

 

It's still too early to tell but enjoying life and all it has to offer is very rewarding.

 

Wow, interesting analogy.

[Sands_of_time]

I keep thinking about "No Contact" and how much of an impact that has had. I can't say enough positive things about it because when there is contact it just sets you back.

[reservoirdog1]

I assume you're still sticking with NC. If so, good for you. That's what you need. She's only angry at you because she's too weak to put it where it belongs (on herself).

 

You mentioned that she seems even angrier than she did -- is she still sending you emails, or leaving you voicemails? If so, why not change your email address and phone number?

 

If you don't have any reason for contact with her, why make it possible for her to contact you?

[Darth Vader]

I keep thinking about "No Contact" and how much of an impact that has had. I can't say enough positive things about it because when there is contact it just sets you back.

 

 

She's angry because you moved on with your life without her (the Cancer), and she sees that you're the better for it! She's jealous!

[PWSX3]

My former wife shared with me that she is jealous of all my friends that I have made & had before our divorce.

 

She said she is having trouble with being replaced so soon. Sorry it wasn't me that wanted the divorce & I wasn't looking when I met my G/F either, it just happened.

 

I think the tables have turned. When we first separated I was looking at the good times we had, & she was looking at the bad. Now I look at the bad & what would have needed to be changed & looking at what I needed to do & she is looking at the good times we had.

 

Just funny how things change as time goes on.

[Sands_of_time]

I assume you're still sticking with NC. If so, good for you. That's what you need. She's only angry at you because she's too weak to put it where it belongs (on herself).

 

You mentioned that she seems even angrier than she did -- is she still sending you emails, or leaving you voicemails? If so, why not change your email address and phone number?

 

If you don't have any reason for contact with her, why make it possible for her to contact you?

 

Great question. She got the hint a month or two ago when I would not respond to any request that was not financially related, house related, or divorce related. But the contact we DO have is necessary to finalize everything (ie. we needed to figure out how to sign the quit claim deed to the house...etc). But even that contact sets me back--even after 7.5 months.

 

No contact = less tears and pain. It pisses her off to no end that I don't respond but it's murder on my "insides" when there is contact. She thinks I'm playing a game when I don't respond, which tells me she has NO IDEA or is apathetic about the amount of pain she caused.

[Sands_of_time]

She's angry because you moved on with your life without her (the Cancer), and she sees that you're the better for it! She's jealous!

 

Sometimes I wonder..but it gets less and less as the days pass. Sometimes I think that if someone can walk away from everything like that they are either really ignorant or apathetic about what they are doing. I think she's apathetic. Reminds me of an old army joke:

 

Drill Instructor: What is it with you recruit? Why won't you do what you're told? Is it ignorant or apathy?

 

Recruit: Sir, I don't know and I don't care.

[Sands_of_time]

My former wife shared with me that she is jealous of all my friends that I have made & had before our divorce.

 

She said she is having trouble with being replaced so soon. Sorry it wasn't me that wanted the divorce & I wasn't looking when I met my G/F either, it just happened.

 

I think the tables have turned. When we first separated I was looking at the good times we had, & she was looking at the bad. Now I look at the bad & what would have needed to be changed & looking at what I needed to do & she is looking at the good times we had.

 

Just funny how things change as time goes on.

 

Right on PWSX3! I know exactly what you mean. Serves her right--her loss my friend.

[Sands_of_time]

It's been 2 months since I've posted but I wanted to give an update to anyone out there searching for their own answer and to get it out for my own sanity, too. Here's where my 9 month mark comes in at:

 

The deep anger toward my XW is receeding, thankfully. It's not gone but hopefully in time I will be able to fully forgive and move on. I don't think I will ever forget as it seems like this event is going to be like an everlasting scar. But in time I hope it will fade and just be a part of the new me.

 

I still think about "why" and have shed a tear or two in random moments in the last couple of months. There is still a tear behind every blink waiting to exit and this feeling tells me I am not ready to let anyone else in yet.

 

I met a girl about 3 months ago and we've hung out quite a bit and I really enjoy her company. However, even after 9 months this new woman can't get into my heart or soul. She's cool though--not pushing me too hard, but I think it's going to take me another year or so to allow anyone to get close.

 

At the end of the day, I often wonder if I'll ever be able to allow someone to get that deep into my soul. Time will tell...