Here I go AGAIN ...I cannot believe this.

[sinkerswim]

Well, where do I start?

I came here in Feb of 2004 after a devastating breakup with my ex fiance who left me out of the blue..long story short..I was horribly depressed and felt I couldnt go on in life.

Came here all the time for support..and it helped. I also went to a Psychiatrist and therapist to help me through it all. So much help from my family as well.

 

I finally felt better and life went on..months later of course.

 

A year goes by and I met the most amazing guy I could ask for. Except he was in Illinois and I was in PA. We were friends for a few years before hand though..I was still with my ex and he with his.

But somehow we started really talking and then calling...and then it turned into more.

So..it was a long distance relationship...he couldn't wait to meet me ...so he flew out to PA to be with me..May of 2005 for a visit.

We clicked the moment we met...both on the phone and face to face.

He fell instantly in love with me..as I did him.

We did this for a little over 2 years...

I would travel out to see him...he would come see me... we would vacation together...we would meet halfway to be with each other for a weekend.

I have so many wonderful memories of it all. God it was all so wonderful..except for the long distance.

 

We loved each others families...it was all so wonderful.

I couldn't even believe that I met such a great person...who loved me so much and just was so different than my ex was.

He promised he would never "hurt my heart" and that always made me cry...it made me feel soo good and so special.

 

We talked about marriage all the time...he gave me a ring (but not an engagement ring) in 2005, our first Christmas together. He told me that was a stepping stone in our relationship....to the real thing. But, I could wait.

I was never so happy.

Everyone was thrilled for me that he came into my life.

 

Then the decision came to who was moving where... He wanted us to be together so bad.

well, I made the biggest decision, although it was extremely hard leaving my great job and family behind...

I moved out here to Illinois in October 2007.

It was really tough at first being away from home... I cried..but he always made me feel better... and I knew he would.... as he was my life partner.

 

The past year goes by..and I never got a full time job again, I work 2 part time jobs and I am struggling. It is very hard financially for me.

We both kind of agreed before I moved out here that I would get back into the same kind of work I did so we could live with no financial worries.

It never happened...

I am sooo sorry for that now...but Im still trying to get in somewhere as of right now.

 

Anyway...back in June, we had a talk and it pretty much came as a surprise..when he told me..he doesn't think he will ever marry me.

I asked why..and he was like.."I do love you..but its just been living with you that's been tough...Im not 100 percent happy..etc."

I cried so hard...and told him to give me a chance. It wasn't fair since I gave up so much and that I wasn't even living here a year yet.

I could not believe what I Was hearing. I asked if it was someone else.and he said "no..of course not..that's not what I want"

So that at least made me feel better.

 

So the months go by..and all seemed great...we went on vacation..etc.

We have a normal relationship...nothing is lacking intimate wise or anything like that.. He constantly tells me he loves me and holds me etc.

 

So I was curious and brought up the subject again the beginning of this month and it was the same thing... my heart was broken all over again.

 

I told him.."if you love me..then why cant that be enough??"

He was just like.."sometimes its just not"...he was saying how he is turning 39 years old and "doesnt think this is what he wants in life"...

I was sick over it all..the depression started to sink in...

 

But then when I said I would just go home..but would need his support ...he is like "lets talk about this...do you want to get back on your feet first..etc."

I am like YES

and then he said " If you can think of ways we can improve things...then we can work on it"

That made me feel better.

I booked a flight to go home at Christmas and he even came too! So I was all happy but confused....he wanted to be with me..that was clear.

He still tells me he loves me.. but its still not enough.

 

While back home in PA..I was feeling very down...I loved being home..I love my home and family. I was sad about coming back to Illinois not knowing what to expect.

So I talked to him again...

He said he still felt the same..that he is not 100 percent happy... and I said..well, then I will come back to PA.

but I just don't know when.

We agreed we would still talk and be friends. But I cried and cried. I couldnt even believe it. He is my love that rescued me...the guy I wanted sooo bad in my life..that i fell head over heels for and he did the same for me...My God..he was CRAZY about me.

 

 

I just cannot even imagine leaving him..he told me last night that maybe if we separate, that would help and he might come back after me. He said he has been very stressed over this all...and that I am such a huge part of his life and wondering if he is making the right decisions.

 

But he also keeps saying.."are you sure you dont want to get an apartment out here..so you could still be close"

The thing is...if I am going through this..I need my family... and they WILL be there no matter what.

But I also have a great friend support out here as well.

I have started a life out here..especially through my church (Im catholic) and met many good friends.

As much as I want to be home...I DO NOT want my relationship with him to end.

 

Last night after a long talk and crying.. he then said.."Well, before I make any decisions..I will really think about this".

So instantly I felt better.

 

I dont know..its like I am buying time...I Love him with all my heart and he still loves me.. THAT IS WHAT IS KILLING ME.

He said his mom will probably disown him....I agreed. I said I love your family..and he said.. they love you too.

OMG..

I am starting to fall into a depression...

I cant believe my relationship has come to this.

WHY? WHY AGAIN????

HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE MY HUSBAND!

I keep looking back on all of our wonderful moments..and that is the wrong thing to do...as it makes me very sad..the HE of all people in this world..would hurt me.

He keeps telling me.. "I dont want to hurt you..please know that".

and I understand.

He was just..

"If Im not totally happy..then why force it?"

 

Heh...he gave my parents a Christmas card the first year we were together...and it said..

"Thank you for your beautiful daughter..she is the best thing in my life"

 

I STILL cry when I think of it. My mom actually saved it..because it touched her heart.

and now he wants me to leave.

I am so devastated....I'm crying as I type this.

 

I don't want to go to PA and never see him again.

that thought KILLS ME and makes me even more depressed.

It's not like he is around the corner.

 

I cant imagine the thought of getting in my car driving to PA and saying goodbye or seeing him face to face for the last time.

OMG HELP.

[Geishawhelk]

I'm sorry, but he's behaving a bit like a jerk.

he keeps telling you he's not 100% happy, he doesn't think he'll marry you, and yet he won't let you go, and makes it emotionally difficult for you to distance yourself.

he's using you as a convenient prop. His family would go ballistic, because they'd be mad with him toying with you.

 

I hate to say it hun, biut the ball is in your court.

he's told you palin and simple, he's completelyn indecisive and so it's up to you to give him the ultimatum.

Either he does commit to you 100%, or you walk, because you will not settle for anything less.

You've been played once, you're not about to flush all your hard work at recovery, down the pan, for yet another guy who seems to think it's ok to tread all over your feelings with his "I'm not 100% happy".

 

Well, guess what - ?

 

NOBODY EVER IS!!

 

At what percentage of happiness would he put himself at anyway?

 

And if he's not happy right now - where or how does he expect to find this remaining portion of happiness?

 

Tell him to do some straight talking.

Or you'll do some straight leaving.

[whichwayisup]

At 39 years old he can't move on with his life out of fear his mom will disown him if he moves out of Town? People do that ALL the time, doesn't mean that they never see their immediate family's anymore, it just means they've wanted to move somewhere else.

 

He is right about one thing, love isn't enough. If your lives aren't meshing together well, it will affect the relationship and eventually things will get worse.

 

It is possible that for so long you two were long distance and the relationship was exciting, and now that you're there, it's routine and not as fun as it once was..

 

Anyway, I am sorry that you're hurting.

[manugeorge]

What exactly is he not 100% happy about? why has it been tough living with you? you didn't tell us that part. Is it something he wants you to change? is it something you can change? or what exactly is going on that is making him less than 100% happy?

 

First of all, that is a crock anyway, no one is ever 100% happy in a relationship. Because that would imply perfection and there is no such thing as a perfect relationship. This is not to say you should put up with a mediocre relationship but expecting 100% happiness is just setting yourself up for lots of dissapointments.

 

Also, whatever it is, I know you don't want to let your relationship go but you have to realize that you can't force anyone to be with you or love you the way you deserve and want to be loved. You have to learn to stand on your own, you have to learn not to be afraid to lose someone. It may hurt like hell, sure, but you will survive it, you survived your last relationship didn't you?. Don't let fear drive you to put up with mistreatment.

[OneTwo]

...HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE MY HUSBAND!

 

 

Your thoughts, not his. I feel for you though.

 

Hey, did he ever say what he thought was missing? What is it that he's not happy with? Has he told you? I applaud his honesty -- I mean, why get married just to inform you down the road that this is not what he really wanted. It's better to not get married now than it would be to get married, have kids, and then break it off.

 

But, just to let you know, this is one of those tactics that men use to remain non-committal -- saying that they are not 100% happy, etc. He may just be getting cold feet. You need to explore all this before you make any rash decisions. Men with cold feet will eventually warm back up to the idea of permanence. It will take you making some of the right moves for him to realize it though. You can not be at his beck and call. He needs to know that you will either be with him or with someone else, but you will not be there only at his convenience.

 

The fact that he wants some time apart suggests to me that he wants to see what life will be like without you around 24/7. When men want time apart, it is usually because they are feeling smothered. Give him his space, but take care of yourself during this process. Make yourself emotionally stronger, and that way you will be able to approach this with a clear head once he is ready to make a decision/commitment.