My Story

[Mountains10]

 

Scorn,

 

That first line is very true. I know I can't trust her too much, but I do see a better progression of her fog. She was big in the fog when she was having strong feelings for another man. Now that she saw some bad traits in him, the fog hasn't completely lifted, but I can see a little more of the person I once knew.

I did let her know, while I still love her, I won't let her walk over me either, there are boundaries that have been set and they will be enforced.

 

Thanks,

Mountains10

 

Well,

 

I say I still love her, but I don't know what I feel for her. Made the mistake of texting her last night to let her know I still love her. I think she takes this as 'i want to stay married', and I told her today, that's not what that meant.

She was over here earlier, we were talking about a settlement agreement, my phone rings, she can hear it's a female. She says, oh, another woman? I say, yeah a friend, for now. Oops... Yeah so I've been talking to another woman. What can I say, I've been lonely for 3 months. I have not cheated, the woman is seriously a friend, so much as in, she doesn't live in this state and not even driveable from here. The friend of mine has been helping me thru this rough time. I'm sure some would yell at me for this, but I wanted to talk to a female who can help me decipher another female's thinking. It's helped me a lot.

Anyways, I think this made my stbxw jealous and that wasn't my intentions whatsoever, had no idea that my woman friend was going to call me up at that time, it just happened that way. I think I let my stbxw have too much info about my friend, but never disclosed her name or anything like that. I don't really care if she knows that I have a female friend, stbxw has a lot of male friends. Maybe I'm just feeling guilty about it when I shouldn't be. who knows? Just wanted to vent a little.

 

Mountains10

[PWSX3]

I hope it isn't wrong to have female friends because I have more of them now then I do male friends, but like you they are just friends........

 

Until the judge say's; you are divorced I will not cheat, just me.....

 

Just like you I feel it is good to hear from the enemies side.:laugh: At least they can tell me that I'm crazy or that it is my stbxw that is crazy & mean it.

[Mountains10]

I hope it isn't wrong to have female friends because I have more of them now then I do male friends, but like you they are just friends........

 

Until the judge say's; you are divorced I will not cheat, just me.....

 

Just like you I feel it is good to hear from the enemies side.:laugh: At least they can tell me that I'm crazy or that it is my stbxw that is crazy & mean it.

 

Well, I feel like I'm starting to sound crazy, but being around her for 2 hours today, almost brought of relapse of grieving. I really miss her a lot and I wish I didn't. I guess you don't realize how bad you want something until it's gone. I took a lot for granted with my wife.

 

I'm going to go NC as best I can. I work with her, so she'll see me periodically, but I went NC for a week and then gave into her wanting to be friends. I was happier with NC, because at least I felt happy and independent. When I try the 'friends' thing, all that it results in, is misery on my part.

 

Tomorrow starts the NC with her. I know it's going to be difficult on her, but it will be better on me and I'll feel better even after a couple days, it will immediately start to feel better for me.

 

Wish me lots of luck and some prayers. Thanks all.

 

Mountains10

[skinman]

Tomorrow starts the NC with her. I know it's going to be difficult on her, but it will be better on me and I'll feel better even after a couple days, it will immediately start to feel better for me.

 

Wish me lots of luck and some prayers. Thanks all.

 

Mountains10

 

Mountains10,

Hang in their friend.. I think the NC will do you good.. I am getting to the point where I dont want to see or even talk with mine... Like you each time I do it sets me back some... So hang in there and I am praying and thinking of you buddy !!

 

You can do it !!!! and think how much better off your going to be !!

[Mountains10]

Mountains10,

Hang in their friend.. I think the NC will do you good.. I am getting to the point where I dont want to see or even talk with mine... Like you each time I do it sets me back some... So hang in there and I am praying and thinking of you buddy !!

 

You can do it !!!! and think how much better off your going to be !!

 

You're right man. I asked her the other day though, how come you haven't filed yet, if you want a divorce so bad? She said she didn't have the money. That's bs, she could go get another credit card just like she did the other 4 or 5 I had no idea about, if she really wanted to do it. She wants everything, she wants a backup, all the assets, none of the debt, to be friends, and everyone just be happy and we go on our way. Oh and I'm sure she wants to keep partying like she's been doing. Unreal. NC started today, have seen her once, but won't look or talk to her. She'll get the idea pretty quickly.

Thanks skin for the reply, I will be happier, in just as soon as a couple of days with no contact.

[sumdude]

That's bs, she could go get another credit card just like she did the other 4 or 5 I had no idea about, if she really wanted to do it. She wants everything, she wants a backup, all the assets, none of the debt, to be friends, and everyone just be happy and we go on our way.

 

You'll have to be careful about the whole debt thing. In most states both parties are responsible for any marital assets and debts incurred during the marriage. Especially if there are joint accounts! Luckily joinrt accounts have a paper trial but if she chooses to not pay you have too or your credit goes in the toilet too.

 

In my case all the debts were in my name so when the time came to divide them up I had little recourse. IOW the lawyers told me it would cost me more in lawyer fees than what I could to get out of her. So I was stuck with all the debt.. I'm still paying for the damn wedding!

 

You need to get on track with all this as soon as possible. She could file for bankruptcy and who knows what else. You might get stuck with five or six digit marital debt.

 

As you gather information and start getting the financials do not let her know what you're up to until it's all put together. You'll have to stay a step ahead.

[Sands_of_time]

Mountain10--good to hear you are progressing.

 

I think you are on the right track with the NC. It has helped me immensely even though I'm still jelly inside. But I know everytime I see a picture of her, see her in email, or one of her friends/family even talks to me it just sets me back.

 

It's like a nasty drug that you have to be 1,000 feet away.

 

Talking with her is like getting pulled under water without taking a breath.

 

It must be tough to work with her.

[Mountains10]

You'll have to be careful about the whole debt thing. In most states both parties are responsible for any marital assets and debts incurred during the marriage. Especially if there are joint accounts! Luckily joinrt accounts have a paper trial but if she chooses to not pay you have too or your credit goes in the toilet too.

 

In my case all the debts were in my name so when the time came to divide them up I had little recourse. IOW the lawyers told me it would cost me more in lawyer fees than what I could to get out of her. So I was stuck with all the debt.. I'm still paying for the damn wedding!

 

You need to get on track with all this as soon as possible. She could file for bankruptcy and who knows what else. You might get stuck with five or six digit marital debt.

 

As you gather information and start getting the financials do not let her know what you're up to until it's all put together. You'll have to stay a step ahead.

 

 

That's good info. I'm going to make an appointment to see the attorney again, to know all of the possibilities. i appreciate it, I was mainly just venting at the time. Thanks for the reply sumdude.

[Mountains10]

Mountain10--good to hear you are progressing.

 

I think you are on the right track with the NC. It has helped me immensely even though I'm still jelly inside. But I know everytime I see a picture of her, see her in email, or one of her friends/family even talks to me it just sets me back.

 

It's like a nasty drug that you have to be 1,000 feet away.

 

Talking with her is like getting pulled under water without taking a breath.

 

It must be tough to work with her.

 

It's very tough, it's a small business, so it's not like I can get that far away, even I wanted to. It makes it easier for me to contact her and her to contact me. I'm going to do NC the best I can though. I've done it for 1 week before, so I'm confident I can do it again. Thanks for the reply.

[skinman]

It's very tough, it's a small business, so it's not like I can get that far away, even I wanted to. It makes it easier for me to contact her and her to contact me. I'm going to do NC the best I can though. I've done it for 1 week before, so I'm confident I can do it again. Thanks for the reply.

 

Hang in there Mountains10,

 

your going to have your good days and your bad days... soon though the good days will start outnumbering the bad ones and then you know that your begining to heal.... I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers were in this together man.... Once you can PM drop me one and we can chat...

 

Take care and I wish you much strength for the NC.....

[Mountains10]

Hang in there Mountains10,

 

your going to have your good days and your bad days... soon though the good days will start outnumbering the bad ones and then you know that your begining to heal.... I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers were in this together man.... Once you can PM drop me one and we can chat...

 

Take care and I wish you much strength for the NC.....

 

 

Yeah, I would like to be PM you one day, I'd put up an email address, but not particularly fond of anyone else seeing it, so I guess that's out.

It will only get better for me with NC, I know it clear as day. There are a lot more details, but I can't post them publicly. I have a huge decision to make, and it's just not going to be easy on me at all. Oh well, thanks my friend for the reply, I appreciate the thoughts and prayers!

[skinman]

Yeah, I would like to be PM you one day, I'd put up an email address, but not particularly fond of anyone else seeing it, so I guess that's out.

It will only get better for me with NC, I know it clear as day. There are a lot more details, but I can't post them publicly. I have a huge decision to make, and it's just not going to be easy on me at all. Oh well, thanks my friend for the reply, I appreciate the thoughts and prayers!

 

 

well buddy just keep posting and getting those feelings out... one day you will be able to write me a pm. not sure how many posts you need but you will get there... keep smiling man once this nightmare we are in is over we will be much better men !!!

 

some lucky lady is going to love us like we deserve to be loved so keep the faith.......

[Gunny376]

I'm not 100% certain but I believe its 70, might be 100, but I'm pretty sure its 70.

 

Posting an e-mail addy public is a no-no here on LS

 

I just noticed I've got over 4000 posts, I really do need to get a Life, hobby, dog or something

[Searching49]

Gunny, I don't think 4000 posts on here is anything to be ashamed of. Your helping good guys around the world get through the most difficult times of their life. I don't think there is anything more admirable or more worthy of your time then to reach out a hand to someone in need.

[Gunny376]

Thanks Search, but even though my divorce was over eighteen years ago, I came to LoveShack to learn and grow, and is why I continue to post here

 

Formun search for "LadyJane" on the Sep and Divorce Fourmn as well as on the infidelity fourmn. She no longer posts here, but I believe her old post will be able to give you some great insights you guys are going through. You will find a lot of the answers to the questions and solutions to the problems you guys are going through.

 

Its seventy posts before you can PM, guy just PM'd me and he only had 88.

[Mountains10]

Thanks Search, but even though my divorce was over eighteen years ago, I came to LoveShack to learn and grow, and is why I continue to post here

 

Formun search for "LadyJane" on the Sep and Divorce Fourmn as well as on the infidelity fourmn. She no longer posts here, but I believe her old post will be able to give you some great insights you guys are going through. You will find a lot of the answers to the questions and solutions to the problems you guys are going through.

 

Its seventy posts before you can PM, guy just PM'd me and he only had 88.

 

I agree with Searching, if it weren't for the veterans, then the rest of us would be completely lost when we come here looking for answers. You are definitely a huge asset to the forum.

[Sands_of_time]

I agree with Searching, if it weren't for the veterans, then the rest of us would be completely lost when we come here looking for answers. You are definitely a huge asset to the forum.

 

I'll second that.

[Mountains10]

So today was the first day of NC. I had told the wife before NC started that I had to talk to the lawyer to get a couple questions answered before I moved forward with anything else. Of course, she can't go 24 hours w/o asking me something in relation to divorce. I avoided both an email and a phone call. She wanted to pester me to make sure I called the lawyer's office.

 

All she wants to do is hurry this up so she can get divorced and head on her merry way, leaving me in the dust. She's not quite in the fog as much as she was initially, but it's pretty obvious that something's still going on. She denies it to no end, but won't move back, won't have anything to do with me after work or on the weekends. Once I exposed it, she either started to hide it better, or truly wasn't interested in OM anymore, not sure which. She did get a little less foggier once she said she wasn't interested in OM anymore, but still she's ready to divorce regardless and she is tired of hanging in limbo. So I told her, why don't you file then? She says she has to have me sign an agreement, because if she files and I contest, all the debt she racked up behind my back gets thrown back on her.

 

So let me get this straight, just so I'm not crazy. You racked up debt behind my back, you moved out to be with another man, and you want me to take on debt, to which you expect me to move that debt into my name? Are you insane? And I should hurry up and do all this for you?

 

The other funny thing I notice is the extreme selfishness that she started to display. Everytime we conversate, it's ALWAYS about her, even if I'm talking about me, she assumes I must be referring to her. So if I say something about finances, she immediately starts talking about only her finances.

 

Anyways, first day of NC seemed like an eternity, but I managed to do NC even at work, wasn't that tough. Let's hope the rest of the days go this easy.

 

Meanwhile, I'll try to figure out what the right thing to do is.

[Sands_of_time]

So today was the first day of NC. I had told the wife before NC started that I had to talk to the lawyer to get a couple questions answered before I moved forward with anything else. Of course, she can't go 24 hours w/o asking me something in relation to divorce. I avoided both an email and a phone call. She wanted to pester me to make sure I called the lawyer's office.

 

Mountain-I've struggled with this too. How can you truly go NC when you are trying to get through the divorce? Unless all communication goes through lawyers? We aren't using them and I'm not sure if you are. I wonder if that is the only way to go truly NC.

 

Damn, man, hang in there. For her to rack up debt and have you be responsible for half (or any of it!) is just nuts. I would fight that one. Can you try the calm/reasoning approach with her explaining how this is her debt and you had no idea it even existed? If that doesn't work send Gunny after her. Life isn't fair but that's just outright BS.

[Gunny376]

You need to be looking into your tax situation for 2007 as well. Since she back-doored you in taking out some credit cards and racking up some debt behind your back, now would be a good time to get all three of your credit reports from the three national credit agencies and see if there are any other "nasties" on there that you may or may not know about.

 

The first ones are free each annual year, thereafter you'll have to shell out the additional $8 to $10 bucks for each report. Request them quartely, (you should be doing this anyway ~ not just because of the STBX, but as a precaution against "idenitty theft") An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure!

 

The NC seldom "takes" the first, second, or even third time. Now is the time to get and keep yourself busy. The only reason you find yourself at "home" is to sleep or to be doing something besides "veggin" in front of the TV! If that's all your doing, that's a clue to get out and about.

[sumdude]

I know this song and dance all too well.

 

Get your credit report ASAP. Get copies of credit statements going back over the last year. Talk to your lawyer about your financial options. Don't talk about financials or what you're doing with her just now. Wait until you have your information and plan together. Move fast and cover your tracks. It's your turn to do some gaslighting of her to protect yourself. She is likely to do everything in her power to leave with no responsibilities financial and otherwise! Yes she has become entirely selfish because she doesn't really care a lick about your future anymore.. it's all about her and her future with OM and that's the cold, hard painful truth and it sucks donkey a$$ but it is what it is.

 

When the times comes that she wants you to to sign anything.. DON"T... you start the separation agreement (aka settlement)

 

Look there may be some way to find a mediated divorce here.. but the whole joint marital debt thing could bite you. The one thing in your favor is the hope that all these debts behind your back are strictly in her name. Let's hope she didn't snag your social and sign both of you onto it.

 

You are a submarine.. run silent and run deep. When you do communicate you are playing poker, do not show your hand. On the outside act as if your sad and clueless but resigned to the divorce.

 

This is hard to do with the way your emotions are running I know.

 

Good luck and keep posting.

[Mountains10]

You need to be looking into your tax situation for 2007 as well. Since she back-doored you in taking out some credit cards and racking up some debt behind your back, now would be a good time to get all three of your credit reports from the three national credit agencies and see if there are any other "nasties" on there that you may or may not know about.

 

The first ones are free each annual year, thereafter you'll have to shell out the additional $8 to $10 bucks for each report. Request them quartely, (you should be doing this anyway ~ not just because of the STBX, but as a precaution against "idenitty theft") An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure!

 

The NC seldom "takes" the first, second, or even third time. Now is the time to get and keep yourself busy. The only reason you find yourself at "home" is to sleep or to be doing something besides "veggin" in front of the TV! If that's all your doing, that's a clue to get out and about.

 

That's good info. I pulled my credit report from all 3 when all this first came about 3 months ago. Thank God, my name wasn't on all of it. I will get hers pulled soon and pull the tax report for the 2007 time period. thanks gunny!

[Mountains10]

I know this song and dance all too well.

 

Get your credit report ASAP. Get copies of credit statements going back over the last year. Talk to your lawyer about your financial options. Don't talk about financials or what you're doing with her just now. Wait until you have your information and plan together. Move fast and cover your tracks. It's your turn to do some gaslighting of her to protect yourself. She is likely to do everything in her power to leave with no responsibilities financial and otherwise! Yes she has become entirely selfish because she doesn't really care a lick about your future anymore.. it's all about her and her future with OM and that's the cold, hard painful truth and it sucks donkey a$$ but it is what it is.

 

When the times comes that she wants you to to sign anything.. DON"T... you start the separation agreement (aka settlement)

 

Look there may be some way to find a mediated divorce here.. but the whole joint marital debt thing could bite you. The one thing in your favor is the hope that all these debts behind your back are strictly in her name. Let's hope she didn't snag your social and sign both of you onto it.

 

You are a submarine.. run silent and run deep. When you do communicate you are playing poker, do not show your hand. On the outside act as if your sad and clueless but resigned to the divorce.

 

This is hard to do with the way your emotions are running I know.

 

Good luck and keep posting.

 

Hi Sumdude,

 

I appreciate the reply. It's ALL in her name, why do you think we haven't divorced yet?

 

She needs me to sign the dotted line, and if there's something I learned the hard way early in life, is to never ever ever sign until you are damn sure what you're signing and agree to it. She's tried every trick in the book, from bribes, to ultamatums, only to watch them fail, and here we are 3 months after D-Day. I'm still thinking what I want to do.

 

That's good advice though, I won't let her see my emotions anymore, I have to realize that she's not in my comfort zone anymore and basically she's not my friend. That's why it angered me to see my friendship used against me, just to get me to sign away. The nerve of her!

 

Mountains10

[sumdude]

That's good advice though, I won't let her see my emotions anymore, I have to realize that she's not in my comfort zone anymore and basically she's not my friend. That's why it angered me to see my friendship used against me, just to get me to sign away. The nerve of her!

 

I know man.. I know. Those first couple of months it's hard not to be weak. Every nice interaction gave me some hope only to be followed by the reality that she just wanted something out of me... like to sign the title to the car or something.

 

Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned,

Nor hell a fury like a woman scorned.

 

~ William Congreve

[Gunny376]

Go ahead and pay the extra change $$$$ to keep tabs on your FICO/Credit Score.

 

The thing about credit, FICO and divorce is that it can seriously F*** You up long after the XHEX is long and gone and scroggin someone else! And Brother, we're talking seven or ten years worth of pain!

 

BOOK ALERT!

Suzie Orman's "2009 Action Plan" 7.98 at "China-Mart,............I mean Walmart. Get this book and read it cover to cover! Some serious news you could use going into the new year!