My Story

[Mountains10]

Mountain-I've struggled with this too. How can you truly go NC when you are trying to get through the divorce? Unless all communication goes through lawyers? We aren't using them and I'm not sure if you are. I wonder if that is the only way to go truly NC.

 

Damn, man, hang in there. For her to rack up debt and have you be responsible for half (or any of it!) is just nuts. I would fight that one. Can you try the calm/reasoning approach with her explaining how this is her debt and you had no idea it even existed? If that doesn't work send Gunny after her. Life isn't fair but that's just outright BS.

 

 

Well, the law may say one thing, but she can't afford to hire an attorney and I've already been to one for advice. Of course you know attorneys want to file contested because it's good money for them, but I don't want to go that route. I can push a lot of the debt her way and she'll sign, but I want to make absolutely sure that I don't have any other options with her available before I sign the dotted line. She's in a hurry, because she's not thinking rationally, but rather emotionally. Me, on the other hand, I'm thinking rationally, and trying to leave the emotions out of it. That's where NC comes in, it gives me time to think every possible route thru before I agree to a settlement and the terms of it.

 

She's terrified that I'm going to get an attorney and take her to court and she's afraid the attorney is going to wipe her out financially. I've threatened it before, but told her recently I wasn't up for that. Now when I don't talk to her, she's not sure what to think. And while it's not my intention to drive her nuts, I'm not revealing my game plan anymore, just like SumDude said I shouldn't. What I do next, is my choice and only I'll be the one who knows what happens and when it happens.

 

Funny though, she wasn't so scared when she ran the debts up, but now that it's time to pay up, she wants me to take on my share. It's not even just the cards, there's other things, but I don't want to post them publicly right now.

 

And thru all of this, all she can think of is, how can she can out of this marriage, with as little debt as possible. This isn't the woman I married, by far.

[Mountains10]

 

As you gather information and start getting the financials do not let her know what you're up to until it's all put together. You'll have to stay a step ahead.

 

Yep, as we speak she is wanting to know my next step and I thought of your post sumdude, very good advice. Now she's getting all paranoid and I'm not giving in this time. If I don't stand my ground, just like in the past, she'll run all over me. I'm trying to hurry it along this time though. Thanks sumdude!

[Sands_of_time]

Yep, as we speak she is wanting to know my next step and I thought of your post sumdude, very good advice. Now she's getting all paranoid and I'm not giving in this time. If I don't stand my ground, just like in the past, she'll run all over me. I'm trying to hurry it along this time though. Thanks sumdude!

 

Stand tall, Mountain. Do not let her give you any of that debt that she racked up behind your back. And good advice to keep your cards close to your chest. I am doing the same thing and it is driving my STBXW bonkers. Called me 7 times at work yesterday, a couple emails, and a text. And she is the one who wants to leave. WTF!

 

Watch out for this reaction from her: I don't trust you (i.e. your not showing me your hand so I don't know what's going on = i don't trust you). That is what I am getting....

 

Hang tough brother.

[Gowithflow]

You're right man. I asked her the other day though, how come you haven't filed yet, if you want a divorce so bad? She said she didn't have the money. That's bs, she could go get another credit card just like she did the other 4 or 5 I had no idea about, if she really wanted to do it. She wants everything, she wants a backup, all the assets, none of the debt, to be friends, and everyone just be happy and we go on our way. Oh and I'm sure she wants to keep partying like she's been doing. Unreal. NC started today, have seen her once, but won't look or talk to her. She'll get the idea pretty quickly.

Thanks skin for the reply, I will be happier, in just as soon as a couple of days with no contact.

 

If I were you I would go ahead and file myself. That would make you the petitioner and her the respodent. I did it and feel good about it knowing that I set the initial terms, and she has 30 days to respond once served. Like you said "work on the marriage or work on the divorce".

[2sunny]

i believe the post count minimum (i thought it was 100) and also a minimum of one month of membership combination gives you pm privileges.

 

unless you pay the fee for membership - then it is immediate.

[Searching49]

I plan to go talk to the lawyer again soon. Has anyone thought of trying to prove the relationship w/ OM for a contested divorce? What are the benefits to filing yourself vs. her filing? Doesn't it then look like you are the one that wants the divorce and not her?

[Mountains10]

i believe the post count minimum (i thought it was 100) and also a minimum of one month of membership combination gives you pm privileges.

 

unless you pay the fee for membership - then it is immediate.

 

Thanks 2sunny, I just realized I have the option now, thanks again.

[Mountains10]

If I were you I would go ahead and file myself. That would make you the petitioner and her the respodent. I did it and feel good about it knowing that I set the initial terms, and she has 30 days to respond once served. Like you said "work on the marriage or work on the divorce".

 

So I've thought about doing this flow, but where's the Settlement Agreement come into play if you file first? I guess I just don't know the process well enough to understand what I can do. Another question for the lawyer I guess, or maybe you can shed some light.

[Mountains10]

Stand tall, Mountain. Do not let her give you any of that debt that she racked up behind your back. And good advice to keep your cards close to your chest. I am doing the same thing and it is driving my STBXW bonkers. Called me 7 times at work yesterday, a couple emails, and a text. And she is the one who wants to leave. WTF!

 

Watch out for this reaction from her: I don't trust you (i.e. your not showing me your hand so I don't know what's going on = i don't trust you). That is what I am getting....

 

Hang tough brother.

 

I swear, it's crazy how quickly the tables turn when you don't allow yourself to be manipulated. I also find it crazy how similiar all of our stories are in reference to the STBXW's, I just never thought it would be so dang close. It feels damn good to have others to help me and know exactly the feelings. You are dead on with your statements about the 'i don't know what you're doing, therefore you can't be trusted' thing. Amazing.

 

Don't sweat it, I'm not letting her see my playbook. I'll keep that one close and only for me to know.

[Mountains10]

I plan to go talk to the lawyer again soon. Has anyone thought of trying to prove the relationship w/ OM for a contested divorce? What are the benefits to filing yourself vs. her filing? Doesn't it then look like you are the one that wants the divorce and not her?

 

Searching, not sure I know the best answer, but I guess it would depend on your finances first off. Contested vs. Uncontested is about lawyer's fees with me. I don't want to pay a huge retainer and ongoing money to an attorney for a contested. I guess it just depends on what's at stake financially. I guess if you serve her though, she has 30 days to contest it or not. I would definitely go though and consult with a lawyer just so you know the options. It can be expensive, but you have to know your options.

[Gowithflow]

So I've thought about doing this flow, but where's the Settlement Agreement come into play if you file first? I guess I just don't know the process well enough to understand what I can do. Another question for the lawyer I guess, or maybe you can shed some light.

 

 

I'm in CA. All I did was go online and educate myself. There is a form for everything!

 

http://www.courtinfo.ca.gov/selfhelp/family/divorce/

 

The first form I filled out was a FL-100. This is the main paper that is served. The ex has 30 days to respond to what I wrote on the form. In other words, if she does not agree then she can ammend it. It then becomes "contested" and we have to first go to a mediator to see if we can work it out without going to court. My county allows for 3 free hours of mediation time.

 

My goal with my stbxw is to just go 100 percent no alimony and no community property, then work it out with her on the side by giving her a one time lump sum payment. She agrees so far, but her friends are causing her to waffle and that worries me. I will not truly know where I stand until she actually signs the response. Right now I'm biting my nails hoping she will go along with my terms, (I'm mostly just worried she will go after my 401k). Regardless, she did make a list of everything I bought while we were married, like my dirtbikes and some other toys.

 

We'll see, but I get the feeling a lot of women brag about how much they were able to squeeze out of thier ex husbands after a divorce. Scary stuff. We all like to think our exes would never do that, but my, "how they change"!

[Mountains10]

I'm in CA. All I did was go online and educate myself. There is a form for everything!

 

http://www.courtinfo.ca.gov/selfhelp/family/divorce/

 

The first form I filled out was a FL-100. This is the main paper that is served. The ex has 30 days to respond to what I wrote on the form. In other words, if she does not agree then she can ammend it. It then becomes "contested" and we have to first go to a mediator to see if we can work it out without going to court. My county allows for 3 free hours of mediation time.

 

My goal with my stbxw is to just go 100 percent no alimony and no community property, then work it out with her on the side by giving her a one time lump sum payment. She agrees so far, but her friends are causing her to waffle and that worries me. I will not truly know where I stand until she actually signs the response. Right now I'm biting my nails hoping she will go along with my terms, (I'm mostly just worried she will go after my 401k). Regardless, she did make a list of everything I bought while we were married, like my dirtbikes and some other toys.

 

We'll see, but I get the feeling a lot of women brag about how much they were able to squeeze out of thier ex husbands after a divorce. Scary stuff. We all like to think our exes would never do that, but my, "how they change"!

 

Hi Gowiththeflow,

 

Thanks for the advice, I'll research it tonight. My situation is a little different than yours. My wife is trying to beg me to pay for stuff I wasn't aware of until a couple of weeks ago and the more we do NC, the less charitable I feel. She has a choice to make and it's coming down to the wire, let's go to counseling (which probably won't happen) or take your debts and run with them. I'm not really feeling like sticking with her anymore and the more weeks that go by, the stronger I get. I'll know more in a couple more days because as I grow stronger, she's getting weaker.

[Sands_of_time]

I'm not really feeling like sticking with her anymore and the more weeks that go by, the stronger I get. I'll know more in a couple more days because as I grow stronger, she's getting weaker.

 

Time is a beatiful thing, Mountain. Do you remember people saying that to you in the beginning--that only time will heal this? As each day passes the fog starts to dissipate--even if only a little. One day at a time...

[Gowithflow]

Hi Gowiththeflow,

 

My wife is trying to beg me to pay for stuff I wasn't aware of until a couple of weeks ago and the more we do NC, the less charitable I feel. .

 

I don't think it's automatically her problem because you refuse to pay it. After the D papers are served you are no longer responsible for any additional debt she may rack up at least.

 

That's the main reason I went ahead and filed. To protect myself from her going out and racking up more marital debt.

 

Again, best to talk to a lawyer in your state.

[Mountains10]

I don't think it's automatically her problem because you refuse to pay it. After the D papers are served you are no longer responsible for any additional debt she may rack up at least.

 

That's the main reason I went ahead and filed. To protect myself from her going out and racking up more marital debt.

 

Again, best to talk to a lawyer in your state.

 

Well, she may not be, but that's only in an contested case that goes before a judge. If we do an uncontested, then it's whatever her and I agree to in an agreement.

[Mountains10]

Well, she may not be, but that's only in an contested case that goes before a judge. If we do an uncontested, then it's whatever her and I agree to in an agreement.

 

Update on my 5th day of NC:

 

Wife has had enough of no emotions and wondering what happens next, she finally made a good financial offer that I can accept in this process. Of course, she has to blame me for not 'going with the program', but why should I, if it's something I didn't want from the beginning?

We'll see how much of this ends up on paper. If it does, I'm fine with it at this point, time to move on and enjoy life again.

[Gowithflow]

Update on my 5th day of NC:

 

Wife has had enough of no emotions and wondering what happens next, she finally made a good financial offer that I can accept in this process. Of course, she has to blame me for not 'going with the program', but why should I, if it's something I didn't want from the beginning?

We'll see how much of this ends up on paper. If it does, I'm fine with it at this point, time to move on and enjoy life again.

 

Nice! Congrays on that M10. Just beware that as we all know attitudes and such change on almost a daily basis. The key now is to "git it done" and stay the hell out of court!

I'm trying to go uncontested too. Tricky stuff at this stage for sure!!

[Mountains10]

Nice! Congrays on that M10. Just beware that as we all know attitudes and such change on almost a daily basis. The key now is to "git it done" and stay the hell out of court!

I'm trying to go uncontested too. Tricky stuff at this stage for sure!!

 

Gowiththeflow,

 

You my friend know what you're talking about. In the same day she offered one thing, the next minute she changed her mind again. So much for the update I guess.

[Mountains10]

After doing some long research these past couple of weeks, I'm really starting to realize what happened. My wife falls into the 'walkaway wife syndrome' category. It was easier for me to believe that she left because of another guy and while that was an event that happened on the way out, she initially expressed a lot of anger over things I failed to do that she had asked me about for years and I ignored because I referred to it as nagging and wrote it off for another day. It took her to walk out of my life for good, before things would change. Too little too late. She's a good person, and I see her struggling with this almost as much as I am. I am not making excuses for her though, she was just sick and tired of bugging me to do things that I just needed to do. How many chances do you give someone to change before you just give up and walk off? A lot I guess.

[Gunny376]

After doing some long research these past couple of weeks, I'm really starting to realize what happened. My wife falls into the 'walkaway wife syndrome' category. It was easier for me to believe that she left because of another guy and while that was an event that happened on the way out, she initially expressed a lot of anger over things I failed to do that she had asked me about for years and I ignored because I referred to it as nagging and wrote it off for another day. It took her to walk out of my life for good, before things would change. Too little too late. She's a good person, and I see her struggling with this almost as much as I am. I am not making excuses for her though, she was just sick and tired of bugging me to do things that I just needed to do. How many chances do you give someone to change before you just give up and walk off? A lot I guess.

 

 

BS!

 

Your internalizing your feelings and emotions! This isn't nothing more than "guilting" yourself into believing that you were 100% responsible for the failure of the marriage? The same old "When a man cheats on his wife its his fault, and when a woman cheats on her husband ~ its still his fault!"

 

Granted you may have had your shortcomings and faults, and you may not have listened to her as you should have, and she in her mind might have given all that she had ~ but trust me Buddy, she's no saint!

 

If you even freaking think for one minute that I'm going to let you sit here and "guilt" yourself and feel sorry for yourself into "would of, could of, and should of" then your sadly mistaken!

 

DON'T EVEN FREAKING GO THERE WITH ME!

 

Its time to "man-up" and own up to your own short-comings in the marriage for sure and real. But I would be willing to bet next months retirement check that you gave and did all you had to give and do while married. You did the best you could, and gave 110%.

 

Could you, would you do better today than then? No doubt! Your smarter, more experienced, etc.

 

Do me a favor! Quit beating yourself up! You did the best you could at the time. The best you knew how at the time!

 

There are plenty of people out there, just outside your front door just waiting to beat you up ~ just to see the look on your face. Do them and me a favor! Don't do their job for them!

[Searching49]

Mountains, take a look at my last post on my thread. She may have nagged you, but she never came to you and said "This is effecting our marriage and how I feel about you. I want to work things out." Instead she CHOSE to look elsewhere. People are just the sum total of the choices they make in life. She chose to look outside her marriage for happiness. Don't you think your significant other should have turned to you for that? You deserve a person that makes better choices in life.

[Mountains10]

BS!

 

Your internalizing your feelings and emotions! This isn't nothing more than "guilting" yourself into believing that you were 100% responsible for the failure of the marriage? The same old "When a man cheats on his wife its his fault, and when a woman cheats on her husband ~ its still his fault!"

 

Granted you may have had your shortcomings and faults, and you may not have listened to her as you should have, and she in her mind might have given all that she had ~ but trust me Buddy, she's no saint!

 

If you even freaking think for one minute that I'm going to let you sit here and "guilt" yourself and feel sorry for yourself into "would of, could of, and should of" then your sadly mistaken!

 

DON'T EVEN FREAKING GO THERE WITH ME!

 

Its time to "man-up" and own up to your own short-comings in the marriage for sure and real. But I would be willing to bet next months retirement check that you gave and did all you had to give and do while married. You did the best you could, and gave 110%.

 

Could you, would you do better today than then? No doubt! Your smarter, more experienced, etc.

 

Do me a favor! Quit beating yourself up! You did the best you could at the time. The best you knew how at the time!

 

There are plenty of people out there, just outside your front door just waiting to beat you up ~ just to see the look on your face. Do them and me a favor! Don't do their job for them!

 

Thanks Gunny, I think you're right. I just thought maybe I had found the answer to the madness, but I don't think there is an easier answer. I'm still stuck in trying to make a rational excuse for it all, but I don't think there is one anywhere. It's just hard to make sense of it sometimes, especially for those of us that seek some answers. I know she doesn't have the answers, because I've tried to get them from her in the past 3 months on several occasions.

 

I guess it just makes little sense to the man who gets left. I appreciate the comments, it helps me feel a lot better, I've always enjoyed reading your posts by the way, they are very inspirational!

Thanks again.

 

Mountains10

[Navin_R_Johnson]

Many of us don't understand why this happened in our situation. The best advice I've received? Some things in life are meant to be experienced and not understood.

[Mountains10]

Many of us don't understand why this happened in our situation. The best advice I've received? Some things in life are meant to be experienced and not understood.

 

You are probably very right, I'm going to give up on trying to understand it. I don't think there's a good explanation, I'll just stick with worrying about myself from here on out. Irrational behavior can't be explained.

[Sands_of_time]

You are probably very right, I'm going to give up on trying to understand it. I don't think there's a good explanation, I'll just stick with worrying about myself from here on out. Irrational behavior can't be explained.

 

Good way to look at it Mountain. It's a beotch, but you kind of shrug your shoulders afterwhile and say, "Well, it is what it is." I am sure we are going to go back and forth between "light and dark" for a little while longer but we're on a similar timeline and I know our time for "more light" is coming. I feel it for us...