Nomad1 Posted February 13, 2009 Share Posted February 13, 2009 It is tough at the moment, sure! But consider this. You can now start from a clean slate in every respect! Jobs, relationships etc. sometimes can tie us down. They make us over-cautious and can limit our potential. For a start, you will be spared the daily sight of the source of your pain. Secondly, you could set a higher aim for your career. Bigger, better prospects. Ride on the recession with study or training that will ultimately get you a better career. In four years time, you could have a much better job. Don't commit yourself just yet. Yes sure, have fun! Use whatever distraction you can find, but stay focused on reaching out to better life chances. As to MLC? That excuses her and obscures what is really going on. People make choices. Your ex is a pleasure seeker. She wants instant gratification, excitement etc. Let her live it up. She is no longer your problem. Good luck man! Keep posting. I have been reading your sitch. Nomad 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sands_of_time Posted February 13, 2009 Share Posted February 13, 2009 I talked to stbxw today and let her know there will be NC from here on out. I can't stand the sight of her. I saw her the other day and it brought me back to square one. Just when you think you are over it, it hits you like a brick wall. I finally dropped it on her though, I told her about the Mid Life Crisis patterns of behavior. Initially, when all this first started happening and she had a crush on a mutual friend, I thought that, that was the real problem. I then realized that it wasn't the problem, that her Mid Life Crisis was in full swing. She's done the classic patterns from the start, I just didn't take full notice of it. I'm not going to spell it all out here, but I know she's going to the attorney's office today to sign the paperwork. She's been trying to get me to let her have various things. Like an idiot, I gave her 1 thing from the house that was ours and told her that was it. Then she wanted something else, and then I said that was it. Now she's wanting more and more stuff. I just can't do this anymore. It was bad enough to have a divorce hit me, but then the layoff hit me before I could heal from the divorce completely. The 1/2 punch has finally set in. I guess it's good I don't see her anymore, but I would much rather have my job and steady paychecks. The future doesn't look very promising at this point. I'm busting @ss to get another job, but in this economy I don't have a lot of faith. Mountain! Glad you re-posted with an update. I know it's probably tough right now but Nomad and others have a good outlook. It WILL get better. Continue to network with EVERYONE you know. Tell EVERYONE you are looking. The quickest route into a new company is through someone you know. Monster and Career Builders can work but there are 150,000 other Joes' vying for the same position and your anonymous. Network, network, network if you haven't already. I too, am still experiencing setbacks as if I'm going back to square one. You are not alone, my friend. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mountains10 Posted February 14, 2009 Author Share Posted February 14, 2009 As you go throught "the process" of seperation/divorce, and slowly but surely to dis-assoctiate and detach yourself ~ hindsight being 20/20 and all ~ your going to see that she was so "perfect" and like any and all human beings had/has flaws, issues, weaknesses. You may even one day reach ~ "WTF did I ever see in her to begin with?" Its a process and a journey. I appreciate it Gunny, I am already starting to see her as a different person, she made it a lot easier when she dropped all that weight. I know it will get easier, especially since I don't have to see her daily anymore. We won't be there to be each other's "crutch" anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mountains10 Posted February 14, 2009 Author Share Posted February 14, 2009 It is tough at the moment, sure! But consider this. You can now start from a clean slate in every respect! Jobs, relationships etc. sometimes can tie us down. They make us over-cautious and can limit our potential. For a start, you will be spared the daily sight of the source of your pain. Secondly, you could set a higher aim for your career. Bigger, better prospects. Ride on the recession with study or training that will ultimately get you a better career. In four years time, you could have a much better job. Don't commit yourself just yet. Yes sure, have fun! Use whatever distraction you can find, but stay focused on reaching out to better life chances. As to MLC? That excuses her and obscures what is really going on. People make choices. Your ex is a pleasure seeker. She wants instant gratification, excitement etc. Let her live it up. She is no longer your problem. Good luck man! Keep posting. I have been reading your sitch. Nomad 1 Hi Nomad, Thanks for replying, I appreciate the advice. That's why I post, because you guys give such great advice, since you don't know her nor I. I agree with you, I need to start focusing on me again. It's been a slow road, I haven't been focusing on me, I've still been in the same mode somewhat, caretaker, protector, etc. I don't know when I will learn to let go of that. I hope that I can focus on me, I have a lot of faith in myself going forward. I have worked hard to get where we were and to watch it get torn down in 3 months has hit me pretty hard. I know what I have to do, and I thank God for my family and my friends that have stepped up to help me. Without you guys and the others, I really don't know where I'd be today. It's amazing how 1 person can have such a big effect on you and your life in a negative manner. The divorce papers should be in my hand tomorrow for me to review. I guess what's hardest is her trying to be a 'friend' to me thru all of this. No contact would be so much easier for me, but she won't do it, we still have property together, etc. I do think that once we get thru all of our obligations, I will go to LC for starters and maybe NC eventually. I just don't see how she could ever look at me as a 'friend' when she's only seen me as a boyfriend first, and then a husband. I really don't understand that. I'll keep you updated, the battle of no job and divorce is the hardest thing I've ever done thus far. I'll let you know how it goes. Thank you, M10 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mountains10 Posted February 14, 2009 Author Share Posted February 14, 2009 Mountain! Glad you re-posted with an update. I know it's probably tough right now but Nomad and others have a good outlook. It WILL get better. Continue to network with EVERYONE you know. Tell EVERYONE you are looking. The quickest route into a new company is through someone you know. Monster and Career Builders can work but there are 150,000 other Joes' vying for the same position and your anonymous. Network, network, network if you haven't already. I too, am still experiencing setbacks as if I'm going back to square one. You are not alone, my friend. Hi Sands, I appreciate it, I have been doing some serious networking this week. Actually, that's really all I have been doing. I've been getting back in touch with former bosses, co-workers, recruiters, friends, etc. I'm still on the path of letting everyone know that I really am seeking another position in the industry. The recruiter I spoke with today said that the IT sector hasn't been hit near as hard as other positions, I hope she's right. I'll keep you updated, thanks my friend. M10 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mountains10 Posted March 9, 2009 Author Share Posted March 9, 2009 Update: Still looking for employment, 3.5 weeks w/o a job now can be depressing. Money hasn't been too bad but it will be in another 2 weeks. I got the divorce papers on Saturday. Here come the feelings and grieving again. She was over here to work on the house as usual this weekend. She told me how much she missed me as a 'friend' and really hopes I can be her friend again. Whatever. She never knew me as just a 'friend' so I find that hard to believe. I straight up asked her, so you miss the husband but not the sex? No answer. She tried to lay in the bed next to me again, when I took a break from moving stuff around the house. I immediately jumped out of the bed when she laid down. She said, "sorry to make you feel uncomfortable". Just odd behavior. Saturday night went out with some friends, made the mistake of doing some drunk dialing and texting. She called at 4am to make sure I had a ride to where I was staying, since I got left behind at the bar I was at and I must have been on the phone with her when I realized it. I don't remember too well, I had gotten pretty drunk. Sunday, I come home and she was at the house, we had exchanged vehicles the night before. She came over to get hers, was upset about some things I said while I was drunk and I apologized. I told her I thought it was best to go NC at this time, since I had the papers now, there really wasn't much more to talk about. She disagreed, she thought it would be best for us to talk about things like the house and what not. I told her no, I'll have the attorney relay anything in regards to that. She asked if she could email me and I said no. Today I got an email from her telling me she'll be over here on Tuesday and to let me know of any revisions in the settlement agreement so she can let her attorney know. I don't plan on replying to her email and I don't plan to be here when she arrives on Tuesday. M10 Link to post Share on other sites
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