Mountains10 Posted January 1, 2009 Share Posted January 1, 2009 Well, I've been posting here on and off for the last couple of weeks. I thought I would share my story with you all. Mine started out about the same as all of yours, the wife came to me one day and told me, "I don't love you anymore and I want a divorce". I was crushed beyond belief and for the next four weeks, I found myself angry, but mostly crying a lot and very upset. She also said that there would be no second chances, when I had begged her for another chance. Like many of us, a busy life, a computer gaming addiction, and not doing the household duties, is what she said led to this. At first I bought it, hook, line and sinker. A couple of weeks went by and noticed a huge change in behavior, she would go out on the weekends and stay out all night. She had also lost a lot of weight recently, different haircut, etc. I approached after one of her all nighters and asked who she was cheating on me with, since she had done a 180 of the person she used to be. At first she denied anyone else was in the picture, but after some pressuring, she admitted it was a mutual friend of ours. She said she only had feelings for him, and nothing else. Ironically enough, this mutual friend's wife left him in almost the same manner my wife was leaving me. I didn't even blink when she told me who it was, it was obvious. She had been spending a lot of time with him over the last couple of months, but I always bought the 'we are just friends' line. I would've never thought she would have had an affair, so I didn't think twice about her being more than friends with him. About 3 weeks into this mess, we met with a counselor who told her that maybe one of us should move out, since I was so emotional about this whole thing. She then took it upon herself to move in with a best friend of hers. Also, some interesting financial information came to light. I had asked about our finances, which she always handled and she had already drawn up a list. To my amazement, she hadn't been paying our existing debts off, except minimum payments AND she had a couple credit cards of her own. I was furious. So fast forward 2 months, I've been paying half of those cards I didn't know about because I was trying to be the 'civil' guy and I bought her guilt trips about how I should pay them. I'm now at a point where, I don't see that I should pay any of this debt because, not only is it not in my name, but I wasn't aware of it to begin with. We only have 3 or 4 things that are jointly ours in debt. My question is, am I being too nice here? Should I continue to pay half of this debt that I wasn't aware of and that my name isn't even on? I know none of you are probably lawyers and I know I didn't reveal what state I'm in, but I feel it's more of an moral or ethical question than related to the law. Just want some opinions. Mountains10 Link to post Share on other sites
skinman Posted January 1, 2009 Share Posted January 1, 2009 Mountains 10, man I know just how you feel... My wife did pretty much the same thing lost a bunch of weight stayed out late and was very interested in her appearance... As for you being to nice YES... if they arent your credit cards cut her A$$ off... In my situation my mother passed last year and i received a small inheritance.. well i put 10 grand into a cd for us as an emergency fund... well when all this crap went down i trusted her to pay off our mutual debts that we discussed with the money....... Well come to find out she paid off all of her credit cards and left mine almost at what they were... my wife also handled all of the expenses and knew the in and outs of our financial situation.... She has even checked my credit card balances online even thought i keep canceling my accounts... I would watch out for yourself buddy... if they are joint bills then yes help pay them but hers...... dont do it because when it comes down to the divorce... they might look at it as if you were able to afford it... I wish you well buddy... keep strong and know you are not alone... I hope your stbxw and mine get what they deserve....... the same as they have dished out to us.. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 1, 2009 Share Posted January 1, 2009 Well come to find out she paid off all of her credit cards and left mine almost at what they were... my wife also handled all of the expenses and knew the in and outs of our financial situation.... My question is, am I being too nice here? Should I continue to pay half of this debt that I wasn't aware of and that my name isn't even on? With some exceptions based on what you brought into the marriage, there is no "yours" or "mine" when married, only "ours". Both parties are responsible for the debt regardless of whose name the debt is in. All the more reason to get a lawyer sooner rather than later... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted January 1, 2009 Share Posted January 1, 2009 Depend upon wheather your in a community property state, if yes then you would be responsible for her debts, if no, then you and I wouldt'n pay them. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted January 1, 2009 Share Posted January 1, 2009 You might want to check out a book titled, "Re-building Your Credit For Dummies" at least drop by Barnes and Noble and peruse the section about being married and joint credit. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mountains10 Posted January 1, 2009 Author Share Posted January 1, 2009 I appreciate all the replies. I have spoken to a lawyer, but we're trying to go the uncontested route and I'll be talking with a mediator probably soon. I guess it's my fault for letting her handle all the finances and not keeping an eye on things. Just never saw this coming, I guess you just learn to trust after many, many years. I kick myself for not paying more attention. I'm just tired of feeling like a doormat for her to run around and do as she pleases, but I guess, I just needed to vent more than anything. I'll keep paying, but just want to get on with my life and finances. Thanks again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mountains10 Posted January 1, 2009 Author Share Posted January 1, 2009 You might want to check out a book titled, "Re-building Your Credit For Dummies" at least drop by Barnes and Noble and peruse the section about being married and joint credit. These aren't joint though, these are in her name, not mine. Heck, I didn't even know about half of them. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted January 1, 2009 Share Posted January 1, 2009 Again, it depends if you are in a Community Property State. Here in California, even if your wife had the cards in her name alone, you would still be responsible for half the debt. Sucks, I know, but true -- as I learned the hard way through my divorce and had to pay off half of my husband's secret debt that *I* didn't know about until the divorce proceedings began. Link to post Share on other sites
Sands_of_time Posted January 1, 2009 Share Posted January 1, 2009 Hang in there Mountain. I did some research online for my state. There is so much information out there. Google your state and divorce and you'll come across lots of information. It might take a few websites but eventually you get to the statute for your state. Or it might just be quicker to call an attorney--probably more expensive though. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mountains10 Posted January 1, 2009 Author Share Posted January 1, 2009 Hang in there Mountain. I did some research online for my state. There is so much information out there. Google your state and divorce and you'll come across lots of information. It might take a few websites but eventually you get to the statute for your state. Or it might just be quicker to call an attorney--probably more expensive though. My state is NOT a community property state. I just looked it up. I spoke to her a little while ago. I'm tired of her coming over here and taking stuff out when I'm not here, it's just not right. She took something out of here yesterday again, I guess thinking I wasn't going to notice. I told her I'm not paying anything else that doesn't have my name on it anymore. Wrong or right, I'm just sick of playing doormat to her and her activities. She threatened to stop paying the house and I told her it was no problem, I'll pay the house myself. I'm seriously thinking about changing the locks as well, to put a stop to her coming and going as she pleases. The house is a joint mortgage, but I'll just pick up the tab on my own, I can afford it. She still denies any EA or PA, but that's to be expected and it's irrelevant at this point to me. She admitted to an EA already, but now she pretends she never said that. I'm a little agitated as you all can probably tell, but that's because I've been nice and the only thing nice gets you is walked on. Sorry, had to vent. Link to post Share on other sites
skinman Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 Mountains10, you have a right to be pissed buddy and you are so right.. I have been nice as can be during this whole separation crap for my kids... and all it has gotten me is walked on, pissed on and hung out to dry.. It seems the nicer you are to them the more they treat you like crap.... even though they were the ones who wanted all of this.... its BS buddy start looking out for yourself... my stbxw changed our locks and security code on the house....... her reasoning.. " you are so depressed I fear for our safety"..... well you know the real reason......she didnt want me to walk in on her and her friend !!! hang in there buddy !! just know that will all this is over we will be much better people.... hopefully we wont end up bitter towards woman but you never know... One thing I have learned is... I will never give up half my Stuff again.... Godd luck man and best wishes for 2009 !! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mountains10 Posted January 2, 2009 Author Share Posted January 2, 2009 Mountains10, you have a right to be pissed buddy and you are so right.. I have been nice as can be during this whole separation crap for my kids... and all it has gotten me is walked on, pissed on and hung out to dry.. It seems the nicer you are to them the more they treat you like crap.... even though they were the ones who wanted all of this.... its BS buddy start looking out for yourself... my stbxw changed our locks and security code on the house....... her reasoning.. " you are so depressed I fear for our safety"..... well you know the real reason......she didnt want me to walk in on her and her friend !!! hang in there buddy !! just know that will all this is over we will be much better people.... hopefully we wont end up bitter towards woman but you never know... One thing I have learned is... I will never give up half my Stuff again.... Godd luck man and best wishes for 2009 !! Hey Skinman, I appreciate your reply. She is in a fantasy world. Her bills are getting paid halfway and like a fool, I paid up until now, but it stops now. I called her back to ask her who to submit my house payment to and she hung up on me lol. I guess now the shoe's on the other foot. I'm not handing her anymore money, I'll pay the bills directly to who our joint accounts are owed. This time I have to remain strong. Last time I did this, I gave in, but that's when I was in an emotionally tormented state of mind. This time, it's about 2 months later and I'm not giving in anymore. I'm just done this time. Thanks again skin! Mountains10 Link to post Share on other sites
skinman Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 Hey Skinman, I appreciate your reply. She is in a fantasy world. Her bills are getting paid halfway and like a fool, I paid up until now, but it stops now. I called her back to ask her who to submit my house payment to and she hung up on me lol. I guess now the shoe's on the other foot. I'm not handing her anymore money, I'll pay the bills directly to who our joint accounts are owed. This time I have to remain strong. Last time I did this, I gave in, but that's when I was in an emotionally tormented state of mind. This time, it's about 2 months later and I'm not giving in anymore. I'm just done this time. Thanks again skin! Mountains10 No need to thank me mountains 10 we are in this together buddy... as sad as it is we will be much better off after we get rid of our "problems"... even though I still care very much for my problem i wont ever be able to get past the things she has done and said... much strength my friend !! Link to post Share on other sites
scorn Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 I just wanted to chime in, if you don't mind. I have read both of your guys threads and It will be four years ago tomorrow that I was exactly in the same position. My ex wife was also randomly emptying all the marital property from the house. She and her boyfriend (my former friend that she had been having a 2 year long affair with) would come in the home, where I still live, while I was at work. I changed the locks and had my attorney send her a letter stating she was trespassing and if items were taken, committing theft. She was really ticked off! I didn't care though because she was trying to walk all over me. Link to post Share on other sites
Sands_of_time Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 My state is NOT a community property state. I just looked it up. I spoke to her a little while ago. I'm tired of her coming over here and taking stuff out when I'm not here, it's just not right. Mountain--you should definitely think about changing the locks. I did that the minute I found out about the EA. She didn't like it but got over it relatively quickly once I explained in a "nice" manner that the trust has been broken. You would NEVER deny her access to her things but you need to be there when she wants something. Food for thought... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mountains10 Posted January 2, 2009 Author Share Posted January 2, 2009 I just wanted to chime in, if you don't mind. I have read both of your guys threads and It will be four years ago tomorrow that I was exactly in the same position. My ex wife was also randomly emptying all the marital property from the house. She and her boyfriend (my former friend that she had been having a 2 year long affair with) would come in the home, where I still live, while I was at work. I changed the locks and had my attorney send her a letter stating she was trespassing and if items were taken, committing theft. She was really ticked off! I didn't care though because she was trying to walk all over me. Scorn, Thanks for posting, that is exactly it. She comes while I'm at work, she changed her hours and knows when I will and won't be there, and comes and takes things out. I've noticed a couple of things missing, as of yesterday. I had the final straw today and that's when I told her, I had set boundaries and she ran all over them. I'm done with being the nice guy. I will call the attorney's office tomorrow and have a letter drafted, thank you in advance, very good info. Mountains10 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mountains10 Posted January 2, 2009 Author Share Posted January 2, 2009 My state is NOT a community property state. I just looked it up. I spoke to her a little while ago. I'm tired of her coming over here and taking stuff out when I'm not here, it's just not right. Mountain--you should definitely think about changing the locks. I did that the minute I found out about the EA. She didn't like it but got over it relatively quickly once I explained in a "nice" manner that the trust has been broken. You would NEVER deny her access to her things but you need to be there when she wants something. Food for thought... NFT, Thank you for the advice, I will be all over this starting tomorrow. I can't stand to know when stuff is gone. I told her she needs to come get her stuff, but she won't, she's been putting it off for weeks. I just didn't know the ramifications or guidelines, on how long she had to be gone before I could change them. It's been almost 2 months thus far and she has no intentions of returning from what she has said. Thanks again guys, Mountains10 Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 NFT, Thank you for the advice, I will be all over this starting tomorrow. I can't stand to know when stuff is gone. I told her she needs to come get her stuff, but she won't, she's been putting it off for weeks. I just didn't know the ramifications or guidelines, on how long she had to be gone before I could change them. It's been almost 2 months thus far and she has no intentions of returning from what she has said. Thanks again guys, Mountains10 She best be glad she's not married to me! I'd get a big old bottle of Clorox throw her clothes out in the front lawn or sidewalk and have myself a "tie-dye" party! And, then I'd get a pit-bull that hated U-Haul Orange! Link to post Share on other sites
pelicanpreacher Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 She best be glad she's not married to me! I'd get a big old bottle of Clorox throw her clothes out in the front lawn or sidewalk and have myself a "tie-dye" party! And, then I'd get a pit-bull that hated U-Haul Orange! :lmao::lmao::lmao: Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mountains10 Posted January 2, 2009 Author Share Posted January 2, 2009 She best be glad she's not married to me! I'd get a big old bottle of Clorox throw her clothes out in the front lawn or sidewalk and have myself a "tie-dye" party! And, then I'd get a pit-bull that hated U-Haul Orange! I've been far too nice for far too long, I realize this. I was just trying to take the high road here and give her the benefit of the doubt. I'm just tired of being run over time and time again. Thanks for the replies. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mountains10 Posted January 3, 2009 Author Share Posted January 3, 2009 I've been far too nice for far too long, I realize this. I was just trying to take the high road here and give her the benefit of the doubt. I'm just tired of being run over time and time again. Thanks for the replies. I spoke with her the next day and all the anger came out. We got into a semi argument at work (we work together). I told her outright, that she can't just come in and out of the house that I live in and take stuff as she sees fit. Of course, she didn't agree with me and told me she has a right to come in there, since her name is jointly on the mortgage with me. I told her, while I agree that we both own the house, she moved out and that was her choice. After some more argument, she agreed not to come to the house unless I was there. I had threatened to change the locks if I notice anything else gone and she told me that I couldn't do this, but I disagreed. Something else I asked her not to do, is when she does talk to me occasionally, I didn't want to hear about how she went out on the weekends and some guy asked for her number, but she declined telling the guy she was married. How was the guy to know she was married if her husband isn't with her and she didn't have a ring on? I don't blame the guy, but why share this with me? I'm not the jealous type, but I don't care to hear about it either. I told her, get the guy's number, get back with him after we're divorced. She said she wasn't interested, go figure?! After the argument, we were able to take an hour or two separated and then I talked to her again, this time, we were able to have a decent discussion w/o arguing. On a different note, I have a question for you all. Why is it that when she comes over to see me during the weekends at the house, why does she still want hugs from me? I thought if she wanted a divorce and didn't love me anymore, why would she still want a hug from me? A couple of times, I've given into the hug and once or twice, I did not. That sends mixed signals to me. I guess I just don't understand the psychology here. I know that our marriage is 99% over and I'm pretty ok with that. I'm not looking for a different result if she doesn't want to stay married. I just don't understand some of the things she does. She told me in the beginning why she wanted a divorce, it was some things I didn't do that she had asked me to do a thousand times. Since she moved out, I made the changes and continue to stick to them. It's too little too late, but still I made those changes initially for her, but now they are for me. I know going forward, those changes will help me to be a better person. I don't completely blame myself for her decision to leave, but I do take some of that responsibility. Maybe I need some counseling? Opinions would be appreciated. Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 Mountains... how about not "changing" the locks, just add another dead bolt? As for the "hugs" situation, it very common. She is clinging to the concept that you are a "back up", if her current plans don't work out, she's trying to keep you in the background as a saftey net. You've been "old reliable" for a while now. Almost all women do this. Sad story Mountains.. sad story, and all to common. It's the 21st Century, a time for change... or so I'm told. Link to post Share on other sites
scorn Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 After some more argument, she agreed not to come to the house unless I was there. I had threatened to change the locks if I notice anything else gone and she told me that I couldn't do this, but I disagreed. Don't forget, she also agreed to be a faithful partner in your marriage. Just be careful believing anything she says now. I learned the hard way and never had any idea that my ex wife was capably of doing the things she was doing to me. As far as the hugs and such, just disregard them. My X was also putting on the "see, I am still a good person" illusion and stabbing me in the back at the same time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mountains10 Posted January 3, 2009 Author Share Posted January 3, 2009 Mountains... how about not "changing" the locks, just add another dead bolt? As for the "hugs" situation, it very common. She is clinging to the concept that you are a "back up", if her current plans don't work out, she's trying to keep you in the background as a saftey net. You've been "old reliable" for a while now. Almost all women do this. Sad story Mountains.. sad story, and all to common. It's the 21st Century, a time for change... or so I'm told. Well, I know, it does suck, but I'm a very positive person, only spent about 4 weeks grieving, haven't looked back on grieving since. That doesn't mean, I don't still think about it, but I'm all about moving forward as much as possible. She's coming over today, at my request, so we can work on doing a settlement of assets/debts. I won't be signing anything today, but we need to get this worked out so we can move toward the divorce. I'm a realist, and if she's not going to work on the marriage, then let's work on the divorce. I don't want to sit in limbo for another 6 months, I would like to get on with my life as well. I'll let you all know how it goes. Thank you for the replies. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Mountains10 Posted January 3, 2009 Author Share Posted January 3, 2009 Don't forget, she also agreed to be a faithful partner in your marriage. Just be careful believing anything she says now. I learned the hard way and never had any idea that my ex wife was capably of doing the things she was doing to me. As far as the hugs and such, just disregard them. My X was also putting on the "see, I am still a good person" illusion and stabbing me in the back at the same time. Scorn, That first line is very true. I know I can't trust her too much, but I do see a better progression of her fog. She was big in the fog when she was having strong feelings for another man. Now that she saw some bad traits in him, the fog hasn't completely lifted, but I can see a little more of the person I once knew. I did let her know, while I still love her, I won't let her walk over me either, there are boundaries that have been set and they will be enforced. Thanks, Mountains10 Link to post Share on other sites
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