pink123 Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 My boyfriend and I have been together 9 years we bought a house 6 & 1/2 years ago. I was never in a rush to get married as I was young and believe in ensuring it's the right decision. We are best friends, soul mates, have many things in common and we have our differences too. We rarely argue and when we do its over something minor. Over the last couple of years I've been hoping he would pop the question - after all if he wants the same he should know by now shouldn't he? Birthdays, Christmas's, holidays and other special moments have been and gone and no proposal. He knows how I feel. His sister has been telling me for years that his mum has told him to propose and he says he would do it in his own time. I love him so much but over the past year it has made me resent the relationship and I have been frequently tearful. I find it so difficult to attend the weddings of my friends and retain emotions! - which there have been many of in the past few years! I get asked all the time 'so when are you getting married?' it makes me feel sick inside and so rejected. We have a big group of friends - we were the first couple so we have been together longer than all of them but we are almost the only couple not engaged/married. I know many of you will say if you love him that much then what does marriage matter but I feel marriage is a commitment for the future especially if you want children (which I do) I am late twenties, he is early thirties, so I feel that I need to know now if marriage and children is not on his radar before it's too late. I am not prepared to propose myself as I have made my feelings clear to him already. A few months ago I was upset and he told me that he was waiting for a special moment to do it and he wasn't going to do it there and then as it wouldn't be special. I had just booked a holiday to New York so thought he might be planning to do it then, he mentioned that he had been reading about diamond rings which obviously got me excited. We did a couple of romantic's things (which is unusual for him) but no proposal. We went in to Tiffany's but he bought a present for his sister not me! I don't mean that selfishly against his sister as she deserves a gift and I wasn't expecting a Tiffany's ring either but since there was no proposal i kind of felt at least a romantic gesture would have been nice. I haven't mentioned that throughout our relationship (and previously) he has suffered with depression on and off, he has low self esteem and hates/avoids social situations. He got depressed again a few weeks before Christmas. I have always supported him with this, he is really attractive but doesn't believe it even though I tell him he is all the time - he told me yesterday that he feels if we got married everyone would look at him and think that he is not good enough for me. That is not true at all. We agreed that this time he needs to go and see a professional about his depression as clearly it is affecting our relationship. This evening we argued again - he says he won't change on the marriage front and has left to stay at his parents. I love him sooo much I don't want us to split up over this - but at the same time I know that if he isn't prepared to marry me I could be stuck in this rutt of resentment forever. I just don't know what to do. Link to post Share on other sites
LostNLonely Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 He's afraid and he isn't ready to marry you. I wish you the best. As a guy I am rooting for him. I hope he can pull it together and pop the question in time to prevent your resentment from building. It's sad because I too suffer from depression, which is part and parcel of my mental illness. Sometimes we feel guilty for bringing other people into our lives. Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 I think that the issue is that he is depressed and scared, therefore he keeps putting you off. Sorry to say, but although depression is hard and it takes a toll on you, you HAVE been able to hold your relationship together for 9 years. Does he think that you will magically have issues with his depression AFTER you are married. Sorry but it sounds like a justification. Oh and, "waiting for the special moment" or "I want it to be the perfect time" is code for: "I'm not ready to marry you, but I'm telling you these things so that you will believe I will be ready someday." He said he won't change his mind on the marriage front and moved out. He's not ready to get married and doesn't plan on beingfor a long time: move on if you want to get married. Link to post Share on other sites
Walk Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 This is only my experience, but I've had 2 men propose to me after being in long term relationships with them (around 4 years dating). Each time the reality of marriage came into the picture both men became more affectionate, more distant, and both wanted to end the relationship. It was really weird. One moment the guy would be lovely dovey, overly affectionate, romantic, etc... then a day or two later acting like a stranger almost. The guy would bring up the topic of rings in a serious manner, ask me my likes and dislikes. He'd seem serious about proposing in a fairly short time frame, but then the guy would back waaaaaay off. Act as if marriage was the farthest thing from his mind, and the last thing in the world he wanted. The first guy that proposed actually broke up with me about a week prior to the proposal. He told me he wanted to "experience life". He had it all planned out, how he was going to move into his buddies house, etc. Obviously it really confused me because up until that point things were fine. Weird, but fine. He decided the next day that he didn't want to break up, and a short time later he proposed to me. The second guy... he didn't ask to break up but he seemed like he wouldn't be too torn up if it happened. I finally explained to him that my idea of marriage was the exact same as what we currently were at the time, just that we also had the additional benefits of being under each others health insurance, etc. That I didn't want anything to change from how it was, and didn't expect him to do anything he wasn't comfortable with. Basically, I think when men actually contemplate marriage for the first time... I mean like really contemplate it as something they will do, that it scares the beejezus out of them. Half of the guy is happy and wants to spend his life with you so he's affectionate and cuddly, and the other half of the guy is scared shytless so he creates distance and acts irradicately. Best advice I can give you is just ride it out. If you can, sit him down and discuss his fears. Let your bf know that you're going to be the same person you've been for the past 9 years. That you really enjoy the relationship and don't want it to change. And ask him what he believes will happen if he proposes. Worst case scenario though... with him truly contemplating marriage, he may have realized that he's been coasting in the relationship. That there are things he's not happy with and has let slide because it was easier then addressing. If that's the case, then you need to decide if you want to hear about what he's not happy with, if you want to address the issues he has, and/or if you want to put in extra work that may not pan out to marriage anyway. Mostly though... communication. And that comes by being open minded and non-judgemental. You have to be willing to hear his concerns without placing your feelings first. After you've heard him out, then you can decide if it's something you want to live with or get out of. (not that I always follow that advice, but it works.) Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 IF marriage is important to you and will not be happy with him otherwise, ask him whether he's more afraid of marrying you or of losing you - because it's one or the other, as far as you're concerned. 9 years is too long to d*ck around. You don't have a lifetime to wait for him to pull up his big boy pants and make a decision. Stringing you along by waiting for "the perfect moment" isn't doing anything but building your resentment and putting up walls between you. The "perfect moment" isn't worth destroying your relationship while he waits for it. If he suffers from depression, then he needs to start doing something about it, like seeing a good psychiatrist and getting some medication. He's using that as an excuse because it seems to work to get you to back off. If he won't make a decision, then you need to. ONE of you needs to or this will go on indefinitely. Link to post Share on other sites
amymarieca Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 Sorry to say, but this kind of situation never works out for the best. If a guy hasn't proposed by now, he probably won't. I dated someone for 8.5 years and played the same game. He was all talk. You need to stop making excuses for this guy. Depressed or not, he should still know if he wants to marry you. If he loves you he would do it. Period. Link to post Share on other sites
eclipseIDE Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 So youre exepcting him to live on your timeline. You said marriage wasnt important but now you see other people do it and now it is? Hmmm that sounds like a good reason to get married (everyone else is doing and your family is making you feel bad) Do you even know why you want to get married? Also does it matter who you marry? It doesnt seem like it to me? I mean you spent 9 years with this guy why did you spend such a long time with him? Do you feel like he owes you something? If so why? Did he threaten you to stay with him? If he did why would you want to marry him? Why do women think a man owes them something for staying with them? I never understand this? Were you doing him a favor? Link to post Share on other sites
You'reasian Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 Basically, I think when men actually contemplate marriage for the first time... I mean like really contemplate it as something they will do, that it scares the beejezus out of them. Half of the guy is happy and wants to spend his life with you so he's affectionate and cuddly, and the other half of the guy is scared shytless so he creates distance and acts irradicately. Best advice I can give you is just ride it out. If you can, sit him down and discuss his fears. Let your bf know that you're going to be the same person you've been for the past 9 years. That you really enjoy the relationship and don't want it to change. And ask him what he believes will happen if he proposes. Worst case scenario though... with him truly contemplating marriage, he may have realized that he's been coasting in the relationship. That there are things he's not happy with and has let slide because it was easier then addressing. If that's the case, then you need to decide if you want to hear about what he's not happy with, if you want to address the issues he has, and/or if you want to put in extra work that may not pan out to marriage anyway. Mostly though... communication. And that comes by being open minded and non-judgemental. You have to be willing to hear his concerns without placing your feelings first. After you've heard him out, then you can decide if it's something you want to live with or get out of. (not that I always follow that advice, but it works.) Marriage is a risk, isn't it? I think everyone involved gets a little scared. I've seen my friends and family both nervous on their wedding days. Its probably natural to be scared. While it may be scary, I would certainly want to be able to look at the woman standing across from me and know that I love her with every fiber of my being and know that she's the same way.... getting there is the hard part. Link to post Share on other sites
BlackLovely Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 I feel bad that you wasted 9 years with this loser. You cannot have a good relationship with a man who hates himself and refuses to get help for it. How can he love you if he doesn't even like himself?? You deserve better. Link to post Share on other sites
glitter2 Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=0IeXqvFR6HI watch the married bit imparticular Link to post Share on other sites
glitter2 Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=7TDtFrD-Ol4&feature=related i just think 9 years watch this too Link to post Share on other sites
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