I want a baby and my husband doesn't.

[Seeking Neverland]

I am nearing 38 years old. I have a wonderful daughter who is now 17 years old. She is the light of my world. I was only 19 when I unexpectedly became pregnant with her and things did not work out with her father. Although I spent much of my adult life as a single mom, I do feel that in some ways it gave me the chance to bond with her even stronger. To me, having her is much of what has made my life worth while.

 

Since my mid-20's I've wanted to have a second child. I've wanted to have all the thrills of a planned pregnancy . . . one that you announce to the family with joy, rather than tears and shame. I remarried 5 years ago. Before we married, we discussed the possibility of having a child together eventually, which he said he was open to . . . I suppose I should have been more demanding on the specifics of that. I did become pregnant after our first year of marriage (unplanned), but I lost the baby to miscairrage. I have some medical problems (a neck injury with severe chronic pain) and since that pregnancy was unplanned, I was unfortunately on a lot of medications when I became pregnant. My medical problems are still present, but through proper medications, the pain is much more under control now. Given my age, I feel like my biological clock is ticking and would like to try to have a baby. My doctors feel that we could manage my medical needs and minimize my necessary medications during pregnancy. Until recently, my husband's primary objection to having a child has been because of my medical condition.

 

Now that my doctors have agreed that I could safely move forward with a pregnancy, my husband simply doesn't want a child. He has a son from a one night stand that occurred before we met. That situation is a nightmare of torment, stalking and court battles. He says that he has had a bad experience with children and doesn't know any men who are actually happy that they have children. As an example, he points to one of his best friends who is currently in a custody battle/divorce with his wife that is rather out of control and crazy; however, that friend's wife is an ex-stripper with drug problems. My husband says that our lives are too stressful and that I should be happy with the child I have -- he also accuses me of not spending enough time with my daughter (she's a teen and doesn't want to hang out with mom all the time).

 

I am devistated. My doctor says that if I plan to have another child, I should do so in the next two years. Am I selfish for wanting a baby? My husband's latest response makes me feel like he wants to make certain that we have no permanent ties so that if he chooses to divorce, he's certain not to have to deal with child support or custody issues. We even discussed this somewhat . . . I pointed out that I've never been vendictive toward my daughter's father and have taken it upon myself to be her primary provider . . . to which my husband repsonded that he didn't believe that if we separated I wouldn't expect him to pay large sums for support. We've never really talked of divorce before, but his new objections to having a child make me feel like he wants to keep that as an option.

 

I don't know how to cope with this. The thought that my hopes of ever adding another child into my life are ended is tearing me apart. My husband just delays any further discussion about it . . . I think he figures that if he delays the matter for 2 more years then the problem solves itself from his stand point.

 

I'd appreciate any guidance or advice from others who have faced this situation in their marriage.

[whichwayisup]

You and your husband need to go to marriage counselling to help with this. His reasons are fair, but he's projecting into the future about something that more than likely won't happen (separation/divorce) though with that being said, I think he's just plain scared to become a father and all that it brings along. The responsibility, the freedom you two have now, your lifestyle etc..

 

Ask him to go with you and talk this out.

[JamesM]

He says that he has had a bad experience with children and doesn't know any men who are actually happy that they have children.

 

I have four and am happy that I have everyone of them. My only regret is that I did not get my a daughter. While children are not always easy, I cannot imagine life without them.

 

Having said that, if we had never had any, I don't know that I would have missed children.

 

As an example, he points to one of his best friends who is currently in a custody battle/divorce with his wife that is rather out of control and crazy; however, that friend's wife is an ex-stripper with drug problems.

 

It sounds as if his problem is with divorce and custody...not with raising a child.

 

My husband says that our lives are too stressful and that I should be happy with the child I have -- he also accuses me of not spending enough time with my daughter (she's a teen and doesn't want to hang out with mom all the time).

 

Excuses.

 

Am I selfish for wanting a baby?

 

No more so that he is selfish in NOT wanting a child.

 

We've never really talked of divorce before, but his new objections to having a child make me feel like he wants to keep that as an option.

 

Once bitten twice shy. He is afraid of divorce. I don't think he wants it.

 

I don't know how to cope with this. The thought that my hopes of ever adding another child into my life are ended is tearing me apart. My husband just delays any further discussion about it . . . I think he figures that if he delays the matter for 2 more years then the problem solves itself from his stand point.

 

This will tear your marriage apart, too, if it is not resolved. He delays the discussion because there is no discussion. You want a baby...he doesn't. Any discussion will decide one of those options.

 

The question is...does he have the right to choose for you? Do you have the right to have his child if he does not want one?

 

I don't have an easy answer to either question.

[Seeking Neverland]

My husband and I have actually been in marriage counseling for a long time . . . we began after I had the miscarriage and continued due to a the tremendous stress caused by the woman he has the child with from the one night stand. We've not discussed this particular issue with our counselor before (honestly our counselor has become more of a buddy that we joke around with and use as a sounding board at times), but I have suggested that he talk with our counselor about this issue alone so that he doesn't feel restricted in what he discusses.

 

The thing that I cannot get past is that about two years ago, when we were amid one of our court battles over his son, he wanted and I agreed, to try to get custody of his son. Things went terribly south, as Texas courts give tremendous favor to mothers, and we do not have custody of his son nor do we see him often at this point. But he wanted to take on custody of him and felt justified in expecting me to help raise him . . . so why is he now so against raising a child of our own together? I guess that is the part that makes me feel so betrayed and makes me wonder if he has doubts about our marriage.

[sxyNYCcpl]

Well, the concept of a marriage between one spouse who wants kids and one who doesn't is problematic from the get go. However, let me perhaps interject what exactly your hubby is thinking.

 

I view the idea of having a child as only slightly different as being handed an 18 year prison sentence. Dealing with school, clothes, chores, you name it. Want to take a vacation? Go ahead, as long as you do it when the kids are off school and take them with you. Wanna have a party? Fine, but make sure everything is child friendly. Perhaps it's a good thing that most people don't have the same attitude that I do, as humans would likely disappear quite quickly if they did, but I think I understand where your hubby is coming from.

 

Selfish? Yup, I acknowledge that. But I'm all about having a good time, all the time, and I don't see having children as being compatible with that.

[brothelmaiden]

Well, the concept of a marriage between one spouse who wants kids and one who doesn't is problematic from the get go. However, let me perhaps interject what exactly your hubby is thinking.

 

I view the idea of having a child as only slightly different as being handed an 18 year prison sentence. Dealing with school, clothes, chores, you name it. Want to take a vacation? Go ahead, as long as you do it when the kids are off school and take them with you. Wanna have a party? Fine, but make sure everything is child friendly. Perhaps it's a good thing that most people don't have the same attitude that I do, as humans would likely disappear quite quickly if they did, but I think I understand where your hubby is coming from.

 

Selfish? Yup, I acknowledge that. But I'm all about having a good time, all the time, and I don't see having children as being compatible with that.

 

 

Only as selfish as it is for a person who desperately wants a child to have one.

Both individuals involved have selfish needs; only way they become selfless is if they sacrifice their wants for someone else's wants.

I don't see what good can come of a marriage in which both partner's have such differing attitudes towards something as important as the prospect of a new child. Someone will be left bitter with resentment.

 

Regardless, I don't think the reasoning behind wanting another child is all too significant anyways. Seems only as a means to gain some type of social acceptance, which in itself is kind of ridiculous.

 

Your husband is not convinced either that you both will be together for the long-haul. He became disillusioned by his "relationship" and maybe you both should take stock in the 2 children you already have instead of turning focus on a new baby; your daughter is at a critical age. Having a new baby to satisfy your own needs instead of putting that energy into nurturing your very impressionable young adult daughter who is just making her way into the world seems incredibly selfish. You don't always have to obey your bodily needs.

[Seeking Neverland]

Having a new baby to satisfy your own needs instead of putting that energy into nurturing your very impressionable young adult daughter who is just making her way into the world seems incredibly selfish. You don't always have to obey your bodily needs.

 

Wow. I don't know where I gave the impression that I wanted to have a baby to satisfy my "bodily needs." I am a highly educated and hard working individual, not a baby bot. I do value family, and I recognize that my window of time to have a second child is running out.

 

As for my daughter, we have a very close relationship and I offer her guidance in every area of life that I can. She frequently comments on how much closer our relationship is than the relationship between her friends and their parents. I find the assertion that wanting a baby with my husband is somehow betraying or robbing my daughter of affection and nurturing as extremely offensive.

[Ronni_W]

But he wanted to take on custody of him and felt justified in expecting me to help raise him . . . so why is he now so against raising a child of our own together?

I would see that as him taking responsibility, and trying to do his best, for a child that he already co-created, and you supporting him in that endeavour. But the matter of giving life to a NEW child is entirely separate from all those who are already living.

 

Becoming a parent, whether for the first or tenth time, is a personal choice that your husband apparently does not wish for HIMSELF. It reflects HIS OWN beliefs, needs and desires about HIS OWN abilities, limitations and wants.

 

His desire/decision is NOT ABOUT YOU, although it obviously does impact you. But I wouldn't see it as him betraying or taking a stance 'against' you, as it were, nor doubting your marriage. He is simply expressing what he wants and needs for his own life to unfold as he wishes/prefers it to unfold.

 

It is a difficult situation, naturally. One cannot force someone to become a parent just as much as one cannot force someone to not become a parent.

Offering wishes that the Universe will guide you both.

[LovieDove24]

I think the biggest problem you are having with this is that he said he was "open to it," but now so obviously is not.

 

That would piss me off too. You were mislead to a certain degree but like you said, you definitely should have dug deeper.

 

Are you ready to make a decision one way or the other? Or are you just pissed off right now? Honestly are you ready to leave if he really refuses to have a child with you? Its important to know.

[jwi71]

When he was once "open to it" (unless he knew and lied) he is now NOT open to it.

This says NOTHING about you or your marriage. Its about him.

 

More specifically, he sounds afraid of...something. You allude to both having failed R's in the past, he sees one going on now with his friend, his own war for his son...yeah, that's a lot to deal with it and process. In fact, he has even told you that your lives (possibly meaning his own) is too stressful as is - a child is seen as adding to that.

 

For me, it all adds up to: your H is having a rough time and is in a dark place. More negatives in his life than positives. I'm not saying its true, just trying to get in his head and his PoV. So a child would do nothing but make what he thinks is a bad situation worse.

 

I would not get pregnant now. Instead, focus on helping the M strengthen and helping him feel less burdened.

 

FWIW

[Seeking Neverland]

I think the biggest problem you are having with this is that he said he was "open to it," but now so obviously is not.

 

Yes, that is a very big part of the problem. It's obvious that many see his position as defensible, in light of his bad experience surrounding his current child. But that was a bad situation from the beginning and, while I'll admit he may not have recognized the full level of that woman's psychosis until after we married (she then became the fatal attraction chick), he certainly did have the experience within his knowledge base when he told me he was open to having children in the future. While we were dating he even brought up (without my questioning) that if he and I had an unplanned pregnancy, that he would want to get married -- unlike the one night stand situation.

 

As for whether I would leave him if he refuses to give in and have a child, no. I love him and value our marriage. Though I think JamesM is correct, in that I will move forward with my life while carrying a saddness for what could have been. Unfortunately, the pain of my miscarriage makes this whole situation all the more emotional for me. Unlesss you've gone through a miscarriage I think it is hard to understand how painful that is . . . I know I had no idea before I experienced it myself. I think most people perceive the lost child as some object that you never really knew anyway, but nature doesn't work that way for the pregnant woman. When I discovered that I was pregnant, that little image on the sonogram became my child. When I lost my baby, I had its remains cremated and buried as any other child would be. The comfort that everyone gives you when you have a miscarraige is that you can always try again . . . family and even doctors give this as their strongest measure of support. Now I am being robbed of that comfort too and it is very painful.

 

I looked up an old friend on facebook for the first time today and the first thing I found on her profile were the sonogram images of her baby. I didnt even know she was pregnant. The images just shot through me.

 

I don't think I'll be able to post on here much longer. Some people are very brutal. I really came here hoping for advice from others who had experienced what I am going through. It seems many have taken me as some sort of selfish vixen or even attacked my love for my 17 year old daughter. I am not a machine, I do not try to hurt others or act selfishly. I've taken on a career which dedicates my life to helping others. I've made every sacrifice to make certain that my daughter has all that she ever needed and that I produced sufficient income to afford her the luxuries of a two parent home. Perhaps it makes me somewhat selfish to want a baby when my husband now doesn't . . . I'll accept those opinons and I certainly should have been more specific about whether my husband wanted to have children after we were married. But I am not these other things which I people on this forum seem to be so quick to accuse.

[Seeking Neverland]

Are you on the pill for birth control? If you're using condoms, this won't work, but I would seriously consider getting pregnant again without his knowledge.

 

While I'm sure your advice is well intentioned, I would never do that. That is actually what the mother of his current child did . . . she was a long term stalker and took advantage of him when he was passed out drunk. I don't want to bring any child into this world that isn't wanted, nurtured and loved by both parents.

[whichwayisup]

Are you on the pill for birth control? If you're using condoms, this won't work, but I would seriously consider getting pregnant again without his knowledge. Hopefully you are still having sex.

 

That is wrong! Just so wrong to manipulate the situation to her advantage. They need to talk as to WHY he changed his mind about having children with her, not be roped into becoming a father by deception.

 

Seeking, I hope you stay. Ignore the posts that irk you and those who aren't getting what you're trying to say. Public forums are wonderful, but with it brings all sorts of opinions, some fantastic, but some well, not so fantastic. Take the good with the bad, try not to take stuff personally on here.

[LovieDove24]

Seeking Neverland...

 

I too feel you got attacked a bit. The only thing I can find you at fault for here is not digging deeper when he said he was "open" to it. Other than that, the fact that you want a child with the man you love, the fact that you sorta feel entitled, its all natural! Do not let your biological clock be muted by negativity.

 

Since you said that you wouldn't leave your husband if he refuses, I think that is a starting point. How resentful would you feel though? A lot? Not much? This is important to know as well. I think you need to also sit down with your hubby if you haven't already done so and explain how important this is to you. Don't get defensive when he starts talking about babies being money suckers or whatever. Simply state it as a WANT OF YOURS. Maybe that will help him listen to your needs better.

[Seeking Neverland]

Thank you Alainas and those of you who made previous efforts to offer advice (Whichway, Bent, and Ronni). I will contiue to try to talk to my husband about this and will try to use our counselor to facilitate it. Unfortunately, my husband takese significant efforts to dodge the conversation. The fact that I am not getting younger and I have this medical problem to contend with are what frighten me about my husband's refusal and delay tactics (he currently waivers between "no" and "well, let me think about it.") My doctor has advised that we make the decision within the next two years and because I have to be on a significant amount of medication, if the decision were made to have a child, I would have consult with my doctor to determine which medications should be stopped immediately and allow time for those medications to get out of my system. If I were 24, I would have no problem allowing my husband all the time in the world to work through any concerns he has. It is my age and medical condition that make this matter seem urgent to me.

 

I think the future resentment is a good thing to discuss with our counselor as well. Thank you to those of you who pointed that out. I'm afraid I will probably have a significant amount of resentment over this issue, but it may be something I have to deal with. Divorce is not something that I want . . . I was single a very long time and I found far more frogs out there than princes. Overall my husband and I are a pretty good match.

 

Also, please do not think that, because we have a counselor, we have significant marriage problems or I'm trying to have a "save the marriage baby" (I personally think that is naive). As I said before, we began counseling because I was so devistated by the miscairrage and we've since built somewhat of a friendship with the counselor, so we continue to go and just talk about whatever is on our mind that week.

 

Again, thanks for the suggestions.

[Ronni_W]

I'm afraid I will probably have a significant amount of resentment over this issue,

That's a real possibility...for you or for him, depending. Because, no matter what, one of you is going to be disappointed.

 

How I did it when I realized that we were not going to become adoptive parents, which had been the pre-marriage plan, was to tell my (ex)husband that I'd totally understand if he needed to get divorced from me in order to fulfill any life purpose that he had, to become a parent.

 

(Our ages meant we were only eligible to adopt a teen, and that did not appeal to either of us.)

 

I do hope your counselor will be able to offer all that you both need. It's so tough because there is no 'compromise', is there? It's one of those rare situations where it really is all or nothing. Hugs.

 

Sending Guidance and Wisdom.

[brothelmaiden]

Wow. I don't know where I gave the impression that I wanted to have a baby to satisfy my "bodily needs." I am a highly educated and hard working individual, not a baby bot. I do value family, and I recognize that my window of time to have a second child is running out.

 

As for my daughter, we have a very close relationship and I offer her guidance in every area of life that I can. She frequently comments on how much closer our relationship is than the relationship between her friends and their parents. I find the assertion that wanting a baby with my husband is somehow betraying or robbing my daughter of affection and nurturing as extremely offensive.

 

Sorry but it's bound to happen. Simple physics. You put energy into baby = less energy put into daughter. I see it all the time. How often do I see older children put to the side when their parents decide to pop another one or two out years down the road; right at the stage when this young adult needs you the most. I don't care how educated you are, you are still guided by your body and hormones. Or are you portraying yourself as a robot who isn't influenced by those things?

 

"i wanna see what it feels like to have an accepted pregnancy".. how selfish are you? thats not really a good enough reason to pressure a person to have kids when they DONT WANT ANY.

 

Gee why do you think that is? She's an only child..

[brothelmaiden]

Originally Posted by Dog Luver

Are you on the pill for birth control? If you're using condoms, this won't work, but I would seriously consider getting pregnant again without his knowledge. Hopefully you are still having sex.

It is unfair of him to deny you this need you have.

If he ends up being a jerk about you being pregnant, just get a divorce, too bad for him. If he has to pay child support, the amount is decided by the courts, based on a formula, not based on you trying to screw him out of anything.

You have proven that you're a wonderful mother and can raise a child on your own. Don't let this man stop you from your wish of having a baby. It will probably be your last chance, so don't feel one iota guilty about this.

 

Unfortunately thats what many over-the-hill women do. Look at John Edwards and his mistress. Eventually the feelings get too strong and the woman ends up succumbing to her emotions. I bet this one will do the same in two years time. Her husband is right; he sees women for what they are mostly made out of and finds himself questioning the character of his current wife. I actually don't even see the basis for this post if that type of answer is not what she was looking for. Obviously you don't trap a man but some just want their actions sanctioned by others. What answer was she looking for? The blase "go seek couples therapy". I always find these types of threads highly suspicious.

[FlyingToaster]

I'm sorry to hear of your miscarriage. It is devastating, and even though many women have experienced the same tragedy, we still react and heal differently. I've suffered 4 miscarriages; 1 before I had my son, and 3 since then (he's now 2-1/2). For me, the first one was the most difficult not only because of the situation (I was 20 weeks along when we found out the baby had died at 16 weeks), but because I was so afraid that I would never have a child. With the last 3, it has been painful, but it was a comfort to me to know that I already have a child.

 

Your situation, no matter what the outcome, will have a winner and loser, so to speak. I guess looking at it in a practical manner, even if you left your H at this time, how soon would you possibly find somebody else to have a baby with? Nevertheless, there's still going to be resentment, and you've stated that you would be resentful. I don't blame you, and would feel the same way.

 

For starters, I would probably suggest finding another counselor. It seems like the one you have now sees you more on a personal level than professional. A new one might bring a new perspective on your situation, and may find the reasons why your H is having problems with the thought of having a baby with you. Also, whatever the outcome, you'll need a counselor to help deal with the resentment and get you two moving beyond it in order for your marriage to survive.

 

I realize I'm coming into this thread somewhat late. Although I don't think I'm offering anything new, I just wanted to let you know I feel for you.

 

Take care.

[Tizzy]

I have some medical problems (a neck injury with severe chronic pain)...Until recently, my husband's primary objection to having a child has been because of my medical condition.

I think your husband has a valid point. I know its possible, but it's got to be tough to take care of a baby (and later a very active toddler) when you have severe chronic neck pain and other medical issues that require heavy medication. Maybe your husband feels he'll get the brunt of the work involved and just doesn't want all that. While I don't necessarily agree with his stance on that matter I can totally understand.

[Seeking Neverland]

I think your husband has a valid point. I know its possible, but it's got to be tough to take care of a baby (and later a very active toddler) when you have severe chronic neck pain and other medical issues that require heavy medication. Maybe your husband feels he'll get the brunt of the work involved and just doesn't want all that. While I don't necessarily agree with his stance on that matter I can totally understand.

 

I've debated on posting anything further to this forum, as it is apparent that some, such as brothelmaiden, simply see this forum as a feeding ground on which they can anonymously make unfounded and unwarranted attacks on others (I've read brothelmaiden's posts on other threads, most are similar to what she/he has written here) in some vain effort to inflate their own ego. It really makes what is potentientially a good sounding board, a rather worthless forum.

 

Tizzy, I thought your point a good one, although I don't think it applies to my case. Please allow me to explain a bit more of my situation:

 

My injury occurred in 2002 (prior to marrying my husband) and while it has certainly altered my life, I have always maintained my career and remained devoted to being a good mother and wife. I am an attorney. Three and a half years ago, I left the firm that I was with and began my own solo practice. One of the primary reasons for doing so was to allow me a more flexible schedule in which I could work from home or office. At that time we were trying to get custody of my step-son and this change allowed me to be the primary one responsible for getting him to and from daycare, etc. The other goal in opening my own practice was that I could eventually grow the practice to the point of being able to hire help, have more flexibility, and have a child. These were all objectives that my husband and I discussed at the time.

 

My practice is growing and I am now handling some very lucrative cases. I currently work 16 hour days because I am still solo. Upon the resolution of a large case that I am working on, I anticipate that I will be in a position to purchase an office condo close to home and hire a staff. I anticipate that the case will resolve by or before this fall. My husband and I are now in site of reaching the goal that we previously agreed would put me into a good work/life balance for adding another child to our family. Given that we are within reach of that goal and my window of time for having a child is narrowing, I brought the issue up with my husband again recently and he began backing away from the goals that we previously set together. Admittedly, the goal was more in the form of "if we can reach this point, then . . . " -- but we are on the horizon of that point. In talking with my husband recently, I think that most of his fears are stemming from the nightmare divorce that his friend is currently going through. I've asked my husband to talk with our counselor alone about his concerns.

 

I have been treating for my neck injury for 6 years now. I have seen many specialists. Earlier in 2008, my pain management doctor put me on a new pain medication that has been a complete miracle for me. I am not entirely pain free, but I am back to 90% of where I should be. My husband's job currently requires that he travel a good bit. The baby would be primarily my responsibility, I know and accept that. I've done it before, I can do it again.

 

As for the unfounded assertions that I will likely try to get pregnant without my husband's knowledge -- I find trapping a person in this way reprehensible and I find those who would make such unfounded assertions equally reprehensible.

 

As for the uneducated guess that having a baby would rob my daughter of the nurturing and attention that she needs; what might be true in some families is certainly not true for all. My daughter is not an only child, she has a 6 year old brother through her father and she adores him. I personally have two younger brothers -- one who is 13 years my younger and one who is 18 years my younger. They are absolutely wonderful and my life is much more fulfilling with them in it.

 

My purpose in posting this thread to begin with was in the hope of getting some advice from persons such as Ronni W, who have been through a similar situation. I would very much like to know what Ronni's husband chose to do when given the option of divorcing and finding someone else to have a child with . . . I would also like to know how the decisions that were made have impacted their marriage since that time, if they are still together. It is difficult to seek any meaningful advice on this forum due to the "Love Shack Village Idiots" who go about attacking without cause and certainly without compassion.

 

This is my last post on this thread. Ronni W, or others like you, if you have advice or answers to these questions and would be willing to share your experiences, I will be reading and I thank you for your input.