Love hubby but hate sex

[Holding-On]

Okay.

I'm a little confused here.

 

Early in your marriage he cheated more than once on you? Is that what you mean by goings-on?

 

Now you have been having an affair with another man.

 

I'm unclear why it would break your husband's heart if he's A-Ok with affairs having had them.

 

Why not sit down in a marriage counselor's office and admit that you both had affairs and see where that gets you. You and your husband are equally guilty it would seem.

 

If you don't want sex with each other but do like it with other people and do want to stay married to each other for some reason maybe you should take up swinging.

 

If you both figure out you don't want to stay together then you can get a divorce.

[msunhappy]

The thing is this , yes i had the affair and yes it was for 8 years , My man on the side was never going to leave his wife.

 

Nor would i have expected him to it was just sex- friendship- and adult company , maybe affair was the wrong thing to say really. it a was kinda as and when thing really every coulpe of weeks or months so you call it what you will,

Yes my hubby had affairs i knew he had but could never prove apart from once bang to right case, but he always seemed to get out of it and at the time i felt as though i needed him so never made anything of it and moved on.

 

And over the years i was the one who stopped needing him became a little less reliant on him, and made friends got out more and yes i had an affair WRONG but sorry on real regrets ,

 

Because even though the sex became a little uncomfortable because of things he wanted we talked and sorted and ended on a good note he was never bad to me we are still friends but at a distance he,s moved areas i got back on track with hubby and taking one day at a time i aint saying things wil be prefect, and things may fall apart time to time but day to day slowly i do love him and just need to find the spark again .

[anne1707]

maybe affair was the wrong thing to say really. it a was kinda as and when thing really every coulpe of weeks or months so you call it what you will,

 

 

I call that an affair.

 

How desperate are you for us to say it's OK for you to shag another man for 8 years and then not tell your husband. Just leave your husband. You obviously are never going to accept responsibility for your actions so how on earth can you make your marriage work.

[Marteka]

YES i made mistakes no i aint prefect but i dont sit here reading others problems and making bad comments about people i never met unlike you GROW UP AND PIPE DOWN EVERYONE ELSE THANKS AGAIN FOR YOUR WISDOM HELP AND KIND WORDS AND MAKING ME SEE A LIL BETTER WHAT REALLY MATTERED

 

Ms Unhappy, you should not be surprised that many people on this forum will be aggressive and judgemental about what you have done. If you, say, went onto Dr Phil to air your predicament, you'd get the same sort of vilifying reaction. Having an affair is conventionally viewed in Western society as completely and utterly unjustifiable and a blight on the sacred institution of marriage. So, unfortunately for you, you won't get much sympathy for your actions on this forum, whatever your personal reasons.

 

Anyway, to your decision...you have made up your mind as to what you intend to do. You are preparing to put up a front for the rest of your life, having done so for the last 8 years.

 

Actually, having seen so many people hurt by the confession of affairs and many marriages never recover, I for one do not believe that coming clean is necessarily the best thing. I see it as the selfish thing on the part of the cheating spouse...confess, cry some crocodile tears, seek absolution of guilt and, in the course of it all, heap pain on your spouse. You just have to look at the ongoing bitterness expressed by so many on this forum as testament to how much they suffered and continue to suffer from a spouse's affair. I wonder how much of that can be "healed" by marriage counselling?

 

So I can understand why you are choosing this path.

 

But it has serious consequences. It could possibly become a cancer in your marriage if you can't see it through, and you will need to be vigilant to prevent it from becoming one.

 

You also need to weigh up the consequences between telling your husband now and explaining everything to him should he ever find out. I guess you're prepared to play the odds on that too.

 

By the way, I dig your whole stream-of-consciousness style of prose. It's got it's own art to it once you become accustomed...

[Dexter Morgan]

No i did and have not told the hubby about the affair. The side guy has been let go so i can make a mends with my married life and thats it really

 

so not only are you a cheat, but you are going to keep hubby in the dark.

 

well I guess I didn't expect anything more. This will happen again, you will be in another man's bed in the future. No consequences.

 

if the perfect opportunity arises where you think your husband will not find out and you can keep him in the dark, you will cheat again.

 

I feel sorry for your husband.

[Dexter Morgan]

Ladies and Gentlemen I think what she's looking for here is for us to tell her it's OK for her to fulfill her selfishness by cheating on the man she swore to be faithful to. Guess what, you're not going to get that here.

 

Then you haven't read much in the OM/OW section. I try to stay out of there. makes me wanna

[Dexter Morgan]

i do love him

 

No.......you don't.

[msunhappy]

Well for a start i am not looking for anyones pity or sympathy or for anyone to say its ok , YES I DID WRONG I KNOW THIS. But i will not tell my hubby the

 

truth why because i have made the choice not to, Some of you may say well that is wrong and unfair.

 

But i am sorry i am trying to make a mends here not create problems, Yes i cheated but i aint the only one on here and not the only one in the world

 

and for your information i dont plan on bed hopping in the future. i did what i did am sorry but no real regrets. What do you do when you cant stand sex with your hubby and being touched AH YES TALK ABOUT IT well sorry i did not made the mistake there . it seems to me that people on here tend to moan on I CANT GET OVER IT THEY CHEATED ON ME Well yes it happens i have had it done to me .

 

But the point is you make a decision get over and move on or dont , just dont let it take over your ife and be the only thing you get up for in the morning . and b4 you say if it was you how would you feel i know all to well

[Untouchable_Fire]

and for your information i dont plan on bed hopping in the future. i did what i did am sorry but no real regrets. What do you do when you cant stand sex with your hubby and being touched AH YES TALK ABOUT IT well sorry i did not made the mistake there . it seems to me that people on here tend to moan on I CANT GET OVER IT THEY CHEATED ON ME Well yes it happens i have had it done to me .

But the point is you make a decision get over and move on or dont , just dont let it take over your ife and be the only thing you get up for in the morning . and b4 you say if it was you how would you feel i know all to well

 

It's your life.

 

If it was mine... I would want to be married to someone I could touch.

 

You really have nobody but yourself to blame when your life sucks!

[anne1707]

I had an affair and I deeply regret it. I also told my H because it is the only way to repair the damage. Thankfully he is giving us that chance.

 

However if I had your attitude then I would hope he threw me out the door - right now. You are not demonstrating any genuine remorse for your actions and this shows a lack of respect and love for your H.

 

 

it seems to me that people on here tend to moan on I CANT GET OVER IT THEY CHEATED ON ME

 

I cheated on him and I am still saying the same as everybody else here.

 

well sorry i did not made the mistake there

 

Got to correct you on that. Mistake no 1: having an 8 year affair. Mistake no 2: not telling your husband, Mistake no 3: thinking you can handle that lie for the rest of your life

[wuggle]

Well for a start i am not looking for anyones pity or sympathy or for anyone to say its ok , YES I DID WRONG I KNOW THIS. But i will not tell my hubby the

 

truth why because i have made the choice not to, Some of you may say well that is wrong and unfair.

 

But i am sorry i am trying to make a mends here not create problems, Yes i cheated but i aint the only one on here and not the only one in the world

 

and for your information i dont plan on bed hopping in the future. i did what i did am sorry but no real regrets. What do you do when you cant stand sex with your hubby and being touched AH YES TALK ABOUT IT well sorry i did not made the mistake there . it seems to me that people on here tend to moan on I CANT GET OVER IT THEY CHEATED ON ME Well yes it happens i have had it done to me .

 

But the point is you make a decision get over and move on or dont , just dont let it take over your ife and be the only thing you get up for in the morning . and b4 you say if it was you how would you feel i know all to well

 

Please don't get too angry with people's opinions on this thread. Many of the people posting here have been or seen similar things are are trying to help and advise you. Some are angry and bitter others are not. When you posted on this site you did invite these opinions. Try to not get too defensive and bear them in mind, even the rubbish one's you really dont want to hear.

 

Your situation is not totally unique and in many similar cases it often turns out that the best thing to have done (often only visible with painful hindsight !) is to have had complete honesty and try to fix things from there. This I feel is why some people are antagonistic towards you because you are choosing not to tell your husband and then say you have no regrets.

 

Some people would argue that this is not the real reason , maybe right maybe wrong.

 

At the end of the day only you know your situation. Best thing you can do IMO is to be TOTALLY honest with YOURSELF. If at this point in time you HONESTLY think your course of action is right for you, good luck, I mean that sincerely. But I would ask that you at least keep what people have said in the back of your mind for future use. If your course of action isn't working then you might still be able to salvage things later through total honesty.

 

Again IMO in a few exceptional cases what you are doing (by not telling your husband) is best, but not many. Maybe you will prove everyone wrong, maybe not.

 

Take care, and remember at the end of the day , be honest with yourself, you only really have to answer to yourself.

[Holding-On]

Then you haven't read much in the OM/OW section. I try to stay out of there. makes me wanna

 

Hmmmm....

Wouldn't that be the Infidelity section? Ow/Om unless Mw/Mm themselves aren't breaking a vow to someone they swore to be exclusive with.

[Holding-On]

Okay. Thread jack aside... Ms. Unhappy, what do you intend do about the fact that you still don't want to have sex with him? Talking as you say doesn't solve the problem. But have you straight out said to him "we don't like having having sex with each other and we are married what are we going to do about it?" ????

 

Because as I see it your choices are

 

1. Stay unhappy. Never talk about it. Keep having to deny him sex or bear it miserably. Never admit your unhappiness (or his affairs, or your affairs) and be miserable together until one of you dies.

 

2. Admit that you are both miserable and seek to remedy it by Marriage Counselling,

or Individual counselling to figure out why you don't like sex with your husband and remedying that

or staying together but having sex with other people honestly/openly (Swinging)

or Divorcing and trying again with people more suited

[Dexter Morgan]

Hmmmm....

Wouldn't that be the Infidelity section? Ow/Om unless Mw/Mm themselves aren't breaking a vow to someone they swore to be exclusive with.

 

You'd be correct. But since I was replying to the idea that she wants to be coddled and be told that its ok what she did, the only place I know here that coddles cheaters and tells them what they did isn't so bad is the OW/OM section.

 

And as far as the OW/OM not doing any wrong because they aren't the ones breaking the MM/MWs vows, it doesn't lessen the level of their disgusting actions with regards to sleeping with married people.

[msunhappy]

And as i keep saying i dont want someone to get up and say what i did was ok. I just came on here to seek advice and peoples views on the situation.

 

Never in a million did i think that i was going to be told there there and a pat on the back for what i did i have said i felt sorry but no regrets confuse.in i know but there it is.

 

But what do you do when all you have ever know is one person and had them cheat on yothen one day you meet someone who see,s more in you than just the roles you play at home for everyone else see,s you for you its pretty mind blowing and yes very flattering and don,t no 1 say they have not had it done and fell for it

[Untouchable_Fire]

And as i keep saying i dont want someone to get up and say what i did was ok. I just came on here to seek advice and peoples views on the situation.

Never in a million did i think that i was going to be told there there and a pat on the back for what i did i have said i felt sorry but no regrets confuse.in i know but there it is.

But what do you do when all you have ever know is one person and had them cheat on yothen one day you meet someone who see,s more in you than just the roles you play at home for everyone else see,s you for you its pretty mind blowing and yes very flattering and don,t no 1 say they have not had it done and fell for it

 

Some of us really are trying to help.

 

So you have dumped the other guy... do you suddenly want to have sex with your husband? I guessing not. That should tell you that you still have some issues to attend to.

 

What kind of relationship with your husband do you want???

 

Oh, and if you ignore the A-holes... they start to go away.

[msunhappy]

No sorry to say i have not done the bedroom bit yet with the hubby but i am working on it .

 

Its just i dont know what has happened and where all this came from i just got up one morning and colud not bare for my hubby to touch me . Silly i know but my hubby used to drink alot and would act all silly in love and be all over me and i hated it. And now everytime he touches me theres a block and my insides scream just get off me.

 

Then as i said i changed started going out to friends just to be away from him when he decided to pour a bottle down his neck . I then met my little side friend we started just good friends really nothing sexual at all just a coffee and chat awhile. Then things changed we just got close one night

 

I was putting myself down he passed comment and asked why i was so hard on myself he said if you were,ent married i can,t say i would not be tempted. Which to me was very flattering then 8 yrs down the line there i was i knew it had to stop and did a few times .

 

I do love my hubby very much so i just need to seek help to get rid of this block i have with him the drink is a thing of the past to some extent but there other factors to but as i said one day at a time.

[pizzagirl]

I thought you were posting here initially because of problems with your husband but it sounds as if you are more concerned about the problems with your other man.

 

In that case, leave your husband. Now. Let your husband have a life with a woman who really loves him.

 

 

And as Geishawhelk said - some punctuation would really help.

 

Actually you have removed all "energy" with the relationship with your husband and then remark of the consequence of this choice that this relationship is stale. Remove all energy and connection and then remark

about the effect as if the cause is not connected, as strange as your run on sentences.

Why stay if you choose to remove yourself what if you find while you have removed yourself physically he has been having a satisfying 8 year affair as well? Would you be hurt? Would you conjure up self rightous anger? What about your kids. Not only are they a witness but will choose the same dynamics and never understand why. Do you want that for them?

 

All your energies are n your nowhere affair. This man does not want you and you fit into a convenient slot. Why not confess you want to explore your sexuality and "allow" your husband the same? Still feeling comfortable? I doubt it. If you remove all the energy you don't think hubby has not noticed. he had an affair BEFORE you felt so empty and retaliatory, what makes you so sure he has not felt your empty gestures towards him and is not only OK with it but finds a woman who want SEX and HIM. Then you are history.

[msunhappy]

In answer to all of what you said the answer is this . I did in fact tell my hubby how i was feeling how i could not bring myself to have sex and even offered him a way out .

 

But he said no he wants me but i did not tell him about the affair nore will i it would be to much for him .

Now alot would say tell the whole truth and confess all but i am sorry i can not do that . The affair is over and no contact made as i am trying so very hard to put that behind me no relationship is prefect.

 

And more so when you have been together so long . I think that in most peoples relationships it go,s one way or the other you get to a point and you jump the fence and see if there is anything out there or you part and go your own ways. Now me i jumped the fence bad i know but there you have it

[hunkahunkaburninlove]

So then you will be celibate? 8 years of an affair where you basically did anything and everything. And now you are going to refrain from having sex. How long do you think you will last?

[wuggle]

In an earlier post I said that in certain rare circumstances NOT disclosing the truth can be the best option, but I didn't feel that your's was one of these cases.

 

Sadly I still don't. You say you are not telling your husband all in a bid to protect him from the truth of the affair, but you can't bring yourself to have sex with him. This is one of the consequences that I allured to, and this is what leads me to repeat you are not strong enough to do this.

 

IMO you really should just come clean and try to sort all this mess out. The dishonesty is and will continue to eat away at your relationship. Imagine how your husband will feel years down the line after not having had sex with you and not really knowing why ?

 

You say you are trying to protect him but in reality the liklyhood is that you will just slowly destroy him. If he loves you but you never end up having a full open relationship with regular sex and affection, how is this protecting him ?

 

I know it probably feels so wrong, people advising you to tell him all, I'm guessing that you have ended the relationship, and things are going ok for you and your Husband, why should you tell him something that will really hurt him ? I think the answer to that lies in the fact that your subconscience is so messed up that you can't have sex with him anymore.

 

I'm really not being nasty when I say that I don't think you are strong enough to do what your doing properly, few people are, it requires that you work through all these emotional issues on your own, quickly, and gain an excellent understanding of your own sub-conscience (incredibly difficult at the best of times) without letting him know you are in turmoil.

 

I wish you well, I honestly do, I really hope you prove me wrong and you manage to get everything sorted out in your head, and re-light the relationship with your husband, have regular, emotional sex with your husband and live a wonderful life. good luck and take care.

[clv0116]

"Meaningful sex" and "Making love" are fine and good, but this post is a reminder that most if not all normal people need good old fashioned pornstar sex once in a while.

 

A lot of the OP's problem is I would bet due to her husband putting her on a pedestal and not just treating her like a princess but actually believing at some level that she's some pristine creature who sometimes grants him sex, despite how it dirties her pure soul.

 

Sex is not dirty, but sometimes good sex has to feel a little dirty. Her husband is not giving her that. I'm all for seduction, dinner, flowers, etc but sometimes a woman needs to have her clothes ripped off and to be f*&ked against the foyer wall. It doesn't mean you don't love her. It doesn't mean you think she's just good for one thing.

 

She probably needs it and the husband should be giving it to her. So to speak.

 

 

Not an excuse for cheating but nothing happens in a vacuum.

[skylife]

After reading through and trying to digest these 5 pages of posts (I am new here), I am wondering if some of why you can't seem to let go of your affair guy to repair your relationship with your hubby is the degrading sex. You said yourself that the sex at first was fun but now you feel cheap and dirty. You feel guilty about what you are doing to your husband. You need to ask yourself: Are you punishing yourself and making yourself feel cheap with this guy because you feel like a bad person? Can you not have sex with your husband not because it doesn't work for you but because it is "too good"? He loves you, cherishes you and perhaps you do not think you are worthy. Sometimes we are our own worst enemy.

 

For what it is worth, I agree that you should not tell your husband. You would be hurting him just to help yourself think this through and to ease your mind. Would you want to know if it were him? Yes. But, if there is absolutely, positively no way he will ever find out - don't tell him. If you can never love him the way he deserves to be loved - leave him. But make it about you and not your cheating. Divorce is hard enough for a loyal spouse.

 

One other thing: Don't assume that he isn't getting sex if your not giving it to him. I have a friend that was having an affair for years. She wouldn't have sex with her husband and was so wrapped up in not hurting his feelings and was so sure he would be devastated if he ever lost her that she was paralyzed into inaction. One day, she was cleaning out the attic and found his love letters. He'd been having an affair for years. When she confronted him, he told her that since she checked out of their marriage years ago, he decided to go somewhere else looking for what he needed. Don't be so blinded by your extra marital beau and your own problems for too long. You may find that the decision is taken out of your hands before you can make it...

 

I wish you luck in sorting this out. It sounds like you need peace of mind....

[msunhappy]

Well i thank you all for your advice again. As i said again in the early years all was well with me and the hubby until one day i found out when i was expecting our daughter that he had been having affairs with many for a while.

 

It hurt but as i said i could never catch him out he always seemed to be one step ahead but inspite of everything he said he loved me and would never do anything to hurt me. But i got sick of hearing rumours that he was up to no good by this time we had two more children i was getting fed up him never helping around the home and taking everything thing for granted. But as time went on i found a friend to but not in a sexual way just someone to talk to and no he never took me for granted it was months before anything happened.

 

I never ask for anything i aint ready to give and it was on the cards for a while then one day there we were even though i loved my hubby every time it happened i did feel bad. But not bad enough to say no to a next time it could be a month before we would meet but it got to stage in my life where it felt i deserved and it was mine for the taking why should i stop having something that made me happy for just a short time. We would have never become anything thats just not the way it was but now my hubby has become me and me him.

 

In the sence its me out there now while he is the one at home well not now i called the affair off and want to try with my hubby we have shared many a happy time and i am working on getting a little of that happiness back in our lifes at all costs the sex has happened it was ok but i just need time to get back on track .