Is fear of divorce enough reason to not ever marry?

[LovieDove24]

I tend to believe that you should not operate your life based on fear.

 

But I also hate gambling. With the statistics on marriage and divorce being what they are, doesn't it seem like more of a gamble than anything?

 

How do you know when its the right person? How many people do you think married the "right person" only to find out they couldn't of been more wrong?

[carhill]

OK....

 

You're in a LTR.... a really long one, say 20 years. You break up. What's the difference between that and being married (assuming a 20 year LTR isn't common-law marriage in your jurisdiction)?

 

What do you fear from divorce that you wouldn't fear from the breakup of a LTR?

[D-Lish]

Is it 50% of marriages that end in Divorce? It's close to that in NA I believe.

 

I married a guy I believed I would spend the rest of my life with, and we're now divorced.

 

I don't have a fear of getting divorced... I'd never marry again though.

[LovieDove24]

Good point carhill. I'm going to have to chew on that comparison for awhile.

[soserious1]

OK....

 

You're in a LTR.... a really long one, say 20 years. You break up. What's the difference between that and being married (assuming a 20 year LTR isn't common-law marriage in your jurisdiction)?

 

What do you fear from divorce that you wouldn't fear from the breakup of a LTR?

 

The LTR ends and she gets to walk away fairly cleanly fiscally. Each partner takes what they own, they end any co-mingled obligations like rental leases..the moving truck comes and she's done with it. No constant communications over fiscal issues,no more charming dunning letter from lawyers, no court hassles.

[Gunny376]

Its a fact the single number one cause of divorce is marriage.

 

You see my smilinig face in the Sunday paper talking about getting married, you can rest assure of three things ~ she's a nympho ~ and she's got loads and loads of money, and she's crazy about me!

[Trialbyfire]

I tend to believe that you should not operate your life based on fear.

 

But I also hate gambling. With the statistics on marriage and divorce being what they are, doesn't it seem like more of a gamble than anything?

 

How do you know when its the right person? How many people do you think married the "right person" only to find out they couldn't of been more wrong?

Life is a gamble. No pain, no gain. When people are ready to take the plunge (again), they will. If they're never ready or ready again, does it matter if they get married?

 

Why are you willing to cross the street where there's not a proper intersection with a corrresponding light and signals? Why aren't you growing or buying solely organic food, considering all the pesticides and pollution in the dirt and on the food? Why do you stand in the sunshine, considering the high rate of skin cancer? Why do you drink, considering that alcohol kills of millions of brain cells?

[lovingalways]

I believe that if two people are meant to be, they will stay together even if they're married. However, I would never want to marry. I used to believe in marriage, but for a couple of months I started to ponder the whole thing. I have seen 2 of my mom's marriages plunge for stupid reasons (sort of the same way some relationships end) and she went through a lot of s^%& to sort of "get rid" off the other person: divorce lawyers, who gets what, bla bla. So, to save myself that misery, I don't want to marry. If things end, then it's gone, it's done, I would rather not go through divorce lawyers and who knows what. If we're living together, he can take his stuff, I'll keep mine or we will divide it and bye. I see marriage as a piece of paper now. It's no different than living with that person for the rest of your life! Except that if you're married you have the piece of paper and you're in a whole lot of debt because of the big wedding bash. So, I'm saving myself the trouble.

 

If I do find the right person (he absolutely needs to meet all of the standards of my "perfect" man) and he wants to marry me, I MIGHT re-consider it. But right now, just the thought of getting married makes me nauseated. I'm happy when people marry, don't get me wrong. All the best to them! I have no place to judge someone else. But when it comes to myself, I don't think marriage is a big deal at all.

[carhill]

soserious, we likely have similar perspectives about divorce, but I really wanted to hear from the OP about what she perceives as the difference. You and I might opine money is the difference, but I don't want to speak for her.

 

I don't have a fear of getting divorced... I'd never marry again though.

 

If there is no fear of a bad outcome (presuming divorce is bad), why the choice (to never marry again)? Do you see marriage as being unequally beneficial to the respective parties? I'm not attacking the choice but merely wondering about the emotion and logic behind it. FWIW, in MC, my W said the same thing. After 3 M's, she has no interest in being married again. She's been divorced enough to not "fear" it.

 

Anyway, lunchtime musings...back to my pizza

[LovieDove24]

My parents were very much in love. I believe they still are to this day. BUT their divorce was so ugly, so bitter, so angry, it caused my dad such serious depression that I think even the *possibility* of that happening scares me to bits. I have never seen what the break up of a 20 year relationship between two non-married people is like so Im having difficulty comparing the two.

 

And unless two people come together who truly don't believe in marriage--which I find to be highly unlikely--once a relationship gets to about the 5 year mark w/o a ring most people go their seperate ways.

 

I guess in my mind I see it as this: Either you're the type of couple who dates a few years and then breaks up or you're the type who dates a few years and then gets married. I just feel like life can be such a toss up sometimes ya know? Is it all about timing or what? Sometimes I don't feel like I express myself properly regarding matters of the heart because I am very mixed. I want the fairy tell ending but I'm terrified of feeling like it is and then having the rug ripped out from under me.

 

The more I listen to my own thoughts, I think I do operate on fear when it comes to love. Shucks. Time to make another appointment w/my counselor! lol.

[Trialbyfire]

I want the fairy tell ending but I'm terrified of feeling like it is and then having the rug ripped out from under me.

There's no such thing as the fairytale ending. What exists is real people with warts and all. This doesn't mean you can't be extremely selective on what kind of warts you're willing to accept.

 

All you can do is to take the risk when you feel you're strong enough inside and you've met someone who's a positive addition to your life, someone that feels right. If it doesn't work out, you pick yourself up and continue on. It's all you can do but most definitely, can only be done when you feel it's the right person and the right time...for you!

[LovieDove24]

There's no such thing as the fairytale ending. What exists is real people with warts and all. This doesn't mean you can't be extremely selective on what kind of warts you're willing to accept.

 

The minute I posted that I tried to go back and edit but my time had run out! I realize that there is no 'fairy tale.' I am very accepting of peoples flaws if they are people I love and care about. Just as I hope they are of mine. What I meant to say is that I want that deep kinda love.

 

Now that I have that cleared up.

 

All you can do is to take the risk when you feel you're strong enough inside and you've met someone who's a positive addition to your life, someone that feels right.

 

I think the 'strong enough inside' part is what I'm struggling with. But your suggestion is spot on.

[quankanne]

marriage is a huge leap of faith, mixed with a willingness to compromise when you'd rather just have your way ALL the time. But, my thought is that if you go into that kind of relationship knowing you can always divorce? Then you're not ready for marriage. I'm in it to stay in it, even if somehow it screws up irreparably down the line.

 

that said, Gunny, would you settle for two out of three? I might even consider leaving Texas

[carhill]

My parents were very much in love. I believe they still are to this day. BUT their divorce was so ugly, so bitter, so angry, it caused my dad such serious depression that I think even the *possibility* of that happening scares me to bits. I have never seen what the break up of a 20 year relationship between two non-married people is like so Im having difficulty comparing the two.

Interestingly, for many years I had a very real fear for exactly the opposite reason, in that my parents had a healthy and loving marriage until my dad died of cancer just shy of their 32nd anniversary. I figured no way would I ever compare with that and didn't want to try. Fundamental self-esteem problem, entirely without foundation. Came from a completely different place than fear but ended up as fear. Got over it and got married. I still admit to some fear of the D process (did so openly in MC), but I don't fear getting married again in the future. I don't know that it's "right" for me, but have no cogent fear. So, perhaps the model I observed (my parent's M) is the fundamental basis for lack of fear of getting married. As I never saw the D process, perhaps my fear of that is fear of the unknown, or becoming bankrupted

[Trialbyfire]

What I meant to say is that I want that deep kinda love.

For some people, this deep, abiding love is a necessity.

 

For others who've neither seen or experienced it, they might be satisfied with what they believe is a deep, abiding love, when realistically speaking, it's nothing but a superficial self-love.

 

"This person makes me feel good. I want to continue feeling good."

 

Notice the lack of the other person within the relationship?

 

"We're unbeatable together. You make me feel good about me and I hope I make you feel good about you."

[LovieDove24]

So TBF are you suggesting that people who feel that way are the ones more likely to head towards divorce than those in it for the deep, self sacrificing kinda love? Just tryin to make sure Im on the same page as you with that last one. If so, that's kinda comforting to hear because after much relationship trial and tribulation I can't forsee myself settling for any less than the deep, real deal kinda stuff from now on. My only fear is that I've heard many time and time again that even those who had this "deep love" still got blindsided.

 

And carhill, I guess since I've never felt "it" I have a fear of the unknown as well. Maybe its like they say...once you know you know.

[Trialbyfire]

Sure, you can feel that deep, abiding love for someone else but there's no guarantee that the other person will feel the same way. IF that love is real, it will come from both sides.

 

Once again, watch out for the selfish individual. Time always tells.

[sadintexas]

The LTR ends and she gets to walk away fairly cleanly fiscally. Each partner takes what they own, they end any co-mingled obligations like rental leases..the moving truck comes and she's done with it. No constant communications over fiscal issues,no more charming dunning letter from lawyers, no court hassles.

 

Says who? In a LTR odds are that they will aqcuire things together. Many even purchase homes together, cars, furniture, etc. Many have joint bank accounts and some have children together.

 

The thing about NOT being married in those instances is if there is a disagreement, they will still have to be ironed out in court, and not in one fail swoop like divorce court. You have limitations on amounts you can sue for in some courts, you don't necessarily have the "formula" they apply to the dissolution of marriages, and one person could end up being royally screwed since the items may be decided at different times by different judges.

 

The only thing short of totally keeping everything separate would be to have a prenuptual agreement, or a written agreement (if not married) similar to a pre-nup to simply walk away with little or no financial ramifications.

 

Now back to OP, I think whether or not to get married is a personal thing. I did it and I got divorced. Not because I didn't believe in marriage. Mine was just unsalvageable. Would I ever get married again? Don't really know the answer to that one. I'm not inclined to run down the isle anytime soon, but should the right person come along and marriage was important to him, I'd consider it. It's not that I fear divorce as much as I fear what happens when people say "I Do".

 

If it's something you just can't stand the thought of, then don't marry. There will be someone out there that shares your same feelings on that. Just don't be under the assumption that the absence of that legally binding document (aka marriage license) will make any break up or split from a LTR any easier.

[soserious1]

Says who? In a LTR odds are that they will aqcuire things together. Many even purchase homes together, cars, furniture, etc. Many have joint bank accounts and some have children together.

 

The thing about NOT being married in those instances is if there is a disagreement, they will still have to be ironed out in court, and not in one fail swoop like divorce court. You have limitations on amounts you can sue for in some courts, you don't necessarily have the "formula" they apply to the dissolution of marriages, and one person could end up being royally screwed since the items may be decided at different times by different judges.

 

The only thing short of totally keeping everything separate would be to have a prenuptual agreement, or a written agreement (if not married) similar to a pre-nup to simply walk away with little or no financial ramifications.

 

Now back to OP, I think whether or not to get married is a personal thing. I did it and I got divorced. Not because I didn't believe in marriage. Mine was just unsalvageable. Would I ever get married again? Don't really know the answer to that one. I'm not inclined to run down the isle anytime soon, but should the right person come along and marriage was important to him, I'd consider it. It's not that I fear divorce as much as I fear what happens when people say "I Do".

 

If it's something you just can't stand the thought of, then don't marry. There will be someone out there that shares your same feelings on that. Just don't be under the assumption that the absence of that legally binding document (aka marriage license) will make any break up or split from a LTR any easier.

 

 

People who deliberately choose to avoid marriage in favor of LTR's are also usually smart enough to avoid co-mingling assets whenever possible and to have legal agreements drawn up regarding what will happen in the event of a split to purchases like houses.

 

If I'd just lived with my ex instead of marrying him I wouldn't be paying alimony now.My divorce is like a never ending hell on earth, at this point I might well be dead before the fiscal wranglings and seemingly endless court appearances are over with.

 

 

I personally don't think marriage is worth the sacrifices involved, for men or for women,you want comfortable companionship and help with the bills? Get a room mate and a dog.

[LovieDove24]

So serious, I've read some of your prior posts and I can understand why you take the stance on marriage that you do. I'm afraid though I cannot relate. Not to minimize your pain, but life to me cannot be summed up with dollar signs and court visits. Again, I'm sorry you have to deal with what you do.

 

Sad in Texas, I think what you were saying here put the little lightbulb in my head on. I think you were getting along the same lines as carhill but the way you phrased it made a difference. You said...

 

Just don't be under the assumption that the absence of that legally binding document (aka marriage license) will make any break up or split from a LTR any easier.

 

That more specifically addressed my fear of loss. If right now I'm not afraid to love again (which I'm mostly not) then I'm setting myself up for the possibility of pain no matter what. Whether a liscence is drawn up or not.

[Tony T]

About half of marriages end in divorce....the remaining roughly fifty percent end in death. Which is worse?

[soserious1]

About half of marriages end in divorce....the remaining roughly fifty percent end in death. Which is worse?

 

Death is probably preferable to marriage,lol ! as Meatloaf sang sooo pointedly "Now I'm praying for the end of time"

[soserious1]

So serious, I've read some of your prior posts and I can understand why you take the stance on marriage that you do. I'm afraid though I cannot relate. Not to minimize your pain, but life to me cannot be summed up with dollar signs and court visits. Again, I'm sorry you have to deal with what you do.

 

 

 

That sounds all sweet and nice... till you're staring your retirement years in the face and wondering if you'll be eating cat food.After a bad marriage, life can and often is "summed up" with court visits and with sweating your rump off trying to figure out how you're going to live on what little the judge lets you keep. Money DOES matter and a bad marriage can empty your pockets to the point that you never recover.

[Gunny376]

That said, Gunny, would you settle for two out of three? I might even consider leaving Texas

 

Hell I seriously considering moving to Texas since that's where what's left of my viable family (mother and sisters) live.

 

What with the pending lay-off's at work, I might just chuck it all and put a "Gone To Texas" sign on my front door!

 

"People from Texas don't care if the sun don't shine!"

[Trialbyfire]

That sounds all sweet and nice... till you're staring your retirement years in the face and wondering if you'll be eating cat food.After a bad marriage, life can and often is "summed up" with court visits and with sweating your rump off trying to figure out how you're going to live on what little the judge lets you keep. Money DOES matter and a bad marriage can empty your pockets to the point that you never recover.

There's another way to look at it, not that I would ever encourage someone who's gotten married once, to do it again, but would you ever consider marriage with the same kind of man as your ex? What drew you to your ex in the first place?

 

I'm asking you these questions because I know for fact that if I ever get married again, it won't be to the same kind of man. You honestly live and learn.