Racheroo Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 CAn someone please shed some light on this? It seems men and women's views on marriage can be so different? I have been withmy b/f for 2 years now, he is 42 I am 33. When we first met, it was quite clear he was anti marriage, but as our relationship has developed he has said a few things that have offered a glimmer of hope to me, i.e. the next time you will meet my parents again will be at your wedding, or, do you like diamonds, or, if I ever was going to get married it would be with you...is it wrong for me to have thought he was warming up to the marriage idea? We met some friends we had not seen for a few months and the first thing they said, are you married yet? This led to THE conversation, which resulted in him saying, I am sure there are many men out there that would marry you but I am not one of them. I am stunned. I love him with every fibre of my being, he says he has not loved anyone the way he loves me. But without him showing the world that he wants to be my life partner, where am I? I can only conclude that he thinks there is a flaw in our relationship that a marriage would make difficult to undo in teh form of a divorce. He thinks I am beautiful, sexy, a good homemaker, funny, supportive, intelligent and he said he will never get a better offer than me. Then what is wrong? I really do not know whether I should invest more of me into this if he thinks it will break one day anyway...Any advice? Link to post Share on other sites
lovingalways Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 Maybe he wants to be with you for the rest of his life, BUT just doesn't want to marry AT ALL. Have you tried talking with him about that? Like, have you ever asked him whether he doesn't want to marry YOU in particular and would marry someone else, or if this is the case in general (he doesn't want to marry anyone)? If not, you should look into that. Some people feel bah about the whole marriage thing (I do and I know exactly why - I don't want to marry which doesn't mean I don't want to spend the rest of my life with someone). Another thing to ask is, are you really into the whole marriage thing or could you be happy without it (ie living with someone, sharing your life with, having kids without the marrying part)? Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 Men really stand to lose big time by getting married if it doesn't work out and a good deal of men are simply not taking that chance. Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 Then what is wrong? I really do not know whether I should invest more of me into this if he thinks it will break one day anyway...Any advice? generally when a man says he won't marry he means it...if he's 42 and never been married then he will most likely stay single forever. Link to post Share on other sites
You'reasian Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 CAn someone please shed some light on this? It seems men and women's views on marriage can be so different? I have been withmy b/f for 2 years now, he is 42 I am 33. When we first met, it was quite clear he was anti marriage, but as our relationship has developed he has said a few things that have offered a glimmer of hope to me, i.e. the next time you will meet my parents again will be at your wedding, or, do you like diamonds, or, if I ever was going to get married it would be with you...is it wrong for me to have thought he was warming up to the marriage idea? We met some friends we had not seen for a few months and the first thing they said, are you married yet? This led to THE conversation, which resulted in him saying, I am sure there are many men out there that would marry you but I am not one of them. I am stunned. I love him with every fibre of my being, he says he has not loved anyone the way he loves me. But without him showing the world that he wants to be my life partner, where am I? I can only conclude that he thinks there is a flaw in our relationship that a marriage would make difficult to undo in teh form of a divorce. He thinks I am beautiful, sexy, a good homemaker, funny, supportive, intelligent and he said he will never get a better offer than me. Then what is wrong? I really do not know whether I should invest more of me into this if he thinks it will break one day anyway...Any advice? I'm not a 40-something Englishman and have no clue what the relationship/dating mentality is but if a man at that age says he's not interested in marriage - he's not interested in marriage. Considering what he's said, it sounds like he sees you as a possible relationship but not any kind of committment. Best of luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Racheroo Posted January 2, 2009 Author Share Posted January 2, 2009 generally when a man says he won't marry he means it...if he's 42 and never been married then he will most likely stay single forever. I think you are right. He will never get married. He has said that its marriage that he is not in to, but he is completely committed to me. So it is my head that needs to be re-wired so I am not so hung up on it. Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Author Racheroo Posted January 2, 2009 Author Share Posted January 2, 2009 He doesn't love you as much as you love him. You CAN get over this man. It won't be fun and it won't be easy, but you can do it if you are strong. You CAN find a man who will give you the love and the commitment you deserve. He doesn't think you're good enough to marry, screw him! Go find one of those men who would want to marry you, like he said. What a jerk! hmmmmmm, interesting response. I don't want to get over him, I want to be with him for the rest of my life and I am willing to put in as much effort to make this relationship as strong as possible, which is what he wants to do as well. Its really mind boggling why we women (myself 100% included) want marriage so much and think that that is the only way our man can show that he loves us and sees us as long term. I wish I could realise and grasp the guys subtle ways of saying "I do not want to lose you". I hope that this mariage issue does not become a deal breaker for me, but it does worry me... Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Author Racheroo Posted January 2, 2009 Author Share Posted January 2, 2009 Hi Mr You'reasian Thanks for this. What ways do men see as displaying commitment then? We have been living together for 2 years, we go pretty much 50/50 on the finances. The next logical step for the female would be to consider marriage and tell everyone we are in it for the long haul. It makes me feel a temporary fixture, and not something he feels will be around forever. What is a guys take on it? Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 The question is - if you know he's committed to you - what's up with you that you want it so bad? Why, what difference would it make? I realise there are practical legalities occasionally - but what is it about marriage that makes you think it makes a relationship stronger? Because trust me, it doesn't. My partner is the one assuming we're going to get married. I - as the woman - am completely indifferent to the idea. Whether we do or don't, I'm not worried. I'm with him for the duration. He knows that, no question. If he wants us to get married, I'll marry him. But I'm not bothered really. Link to post Share on other sites
eclipseIDE Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 CAn someone please shed some light on this? It seems men and women's views on marriage can be so different? I have been withmy b/f for 2 years now, he is 42 I am 33. When we first met, it was quite clear he was anti marriage, but as our relationship has developed he has said a few things that have offered a glimmer of hope to me, i.e. the next time you will meet my parents again will be at your wedding, or, do you like diamonds, or, if I ever was going to get married it would be with you...is it wrong for me to have thought he was warming up to the marriage idea? We met some friends we had not seen for a few months and the first thing they said, are you married yet? This led to THE conversation, which resulted in him saying, I am sure there are many men out there that would marry you but I am not one of them. I am stunned. I love him with every fibre of my being, he says he has not loved anyone the way he loves me. But without him showing the world that he wants to be my life partner, where am I? I can only conclude that he thinks there is a flaw in our relationship that a marriage would make difficult to undo in teh form of a divorce. He thinks I am beautiful, sexy, a good homemaker, funny, supportive, intelligent and he said he will never get a better offer than me. Then what is wrong? I really do not know whether I should invest more of me into this if he thinks it will break one day anyway...Any advice? Ok, hows this sound you give your boyfriend your house your car half your money and any rights to any kids you may have in the future and pay him a monthly allowance. Doesnt sound very fair? Well this is what a lot of men go through when they get divorced. Love will conquer all and we will never get divorced right? Well a lot of men never thought their honey would leave them and take them for everything they had. I will bet you $100 that if you asked him why he doesnt want to get married the conversation would go something like what I said here. Women are truely clueless sometimes, We men know how vindicative a woman can become on a whim. One minute they love you next they want to find themselves and feel you owe them for the time they spent with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Gorecki Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 I'm a woman, and I can tell you it's not always the guys who puts the brakes on when it comes to marriage. I think it's either the commitment that's scary, or there's just an indifferent feeling about the whole ordeal. Or maybe a mix of both. Link to post Share on other sites
Posco_Proudfoot Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 Men really stand to lose big time by getting married if it doesn't work out and a good deal of men are simply not taking that chance. Exactly. Men are not scared of marriage, they're usually scared of divorce. At that age, men have seen parents, grandparents, and friends go through divorce, and it wasn't pretty. Some even have seen how much their parents fought and do not want to mimic that lifestyle. Nowadays there is rarely a commitment between couples. Till death do us part is not worth as much salt with the divorce rate as high as it is. Link to post Share on other sites
Posco_Proudfoot Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 Another thing is, Wouldn't you be technically common law married now? States are different, but I thought all of them had that written in. You might be committed by law already. Link to post Share on other sites
Ross PK Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 Just because he doesn't want to marry you doesn't mean that he thinks there may be something wrong with the relationship, he may just not want to get married to anyone. I'm the same, I don't want to ever get married either, even though I'd love to have a serious relationship and settle down with a girl. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Racheroo Posted January 3, 2009 Author Share Posted January 3, 2009 You guys have been really helpful, and I genuinely mean that. You are giving me ways of seeing another side to this, so thank you. So, just out of interest, what does make a guy decide he wants to get married? As the reasons not to that have been given in the above posts all seem pretty logical if I am being honest... Link to post Share on other sites
BentSpine Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 So, just out of interest, what does make a guy decide he wants to get married?For some men Fear is the determining factor. In America, the idea of being loyal life partners without marrying is so new that it's rare. So the men may fear that their woman, who wants marriage (or to become a SAHM), can easily find other men who would willingly trade the huge risk involved in divorce with the benefit of steady female company. So in America, the men take a big risk if they insist on not marrying. The situation is the reverse in north-west Europe where the women know that there are plenty of other women who are fine with being life partners without marrying. So the woman risks losing her partner if she pushes too hard for marriage. How will other's know of your dedication? For start, other people outside can never truly judge your relationship because they cannot (or at least shouldn't) be around 24/7. But after years and hardships, the important people around you that matters will confident that you two are loyal to each other. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 The only reason for a guy to get married is because he's so inept at hooking up with women. Master that and other than having and raising children a man doesn't have any reason to get married. Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free! Why marry and make one woman miserable when you can stay single and make so many happy. (Of course from a women's perspective, "Why buy the pig when you get so little sasuage! ) Having been married and divorced, I have absolutely no rhymne, reason, initative, motivation, nor inclination to get married again. I have more to offer your typical woman, than your typical woman has to offer me. No brag, just fact. Why put all that I have to offer on the table and potentionally risk losing half of it in the future to some woman who hates my guts? Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted January 4, 2009 Share Posted January 4, 2009 You guys have been really helpful, and I genuinely mean that. You are giving me ways of seeing another side to this, so thank you. So, just out of interest, what does make a guy decide he wants to get married? As the reasons not to that have been given in the above posts all seem pretty logical if I am being honest... If you figure that one out let me know! I'm in a similar situation, however my boyfriend says he wants to get married but hasn't proposed. I think a lot of women (including myself) feel that marriage will prove their committment and solidify their love for one another. This is true, HOWEVER I don't think see that when they think of marriage. A lot of men think about divorce papers and high priced lawyers when they think about marriage. A lot of men are "gun-shy." So what makes a man WANT to get married: a) he was given an ultimatum (bad idea, those marriages are disasters) b) he wants to have children someday and doesn't want to do it out of wedlock c) he genuinly loves the woman he is going to marry and wants to spend his life with her. Of course the ideal is #3. And while that does happen, for both parties to feel that same way and at the EXACT same time (IMO) happens less frequently then the other two. My BF is most likely gun-shy. He wants to and talks about it, but just isn't ready to go out a "do it!" This realization sucks and I feel like I am just stuck waiting, but the truth of the matter is, I truely think he loves me enough to marry me someday. If I really thought that he didn't want a future or to marry me I'd probably just say screw it and move out. But sorry to say, your boyfriend DOES NOT want to get married. It's not a bad thing, however if you do want to get married and this is a dealbreaker then I suggest exiting the relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted January 4, 2009 Share Posted January 4, 2009 The only reason for a guy to get married is because he's so inept at hooking up with women. Master that and other than having and raising children a man doesn't have any reason to get married. Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free! Why marry and make one woman miserable when you can stay single and make so many happy. (Of course from a women's perspective, "Why buy the pig when you get so little sasuage! ) Having been married and divorced, I have absolutely no rhymne, reason, initative, motivation, nor inclination to get married again. I have more to offer your typical woman, than your typical woman has to offer me. No brag, just fact. Why put all that I have to offer on the table and potentionally risk losing half of it in the future to some woman who hates my guts? Sorry to hear you went through such a bad experience. IMO it is hearing stories like that that makes men scared to death to walk down the isle. But then there are the "happily married stories." They count too. It's not just "miserable divorce city) out there. And while I haven't been married and divored (and I'm sure that SUCKS) I'd like to think that maybe there is a chance you'll find that right person and have a long and happy marriage. I suppose that is the chance you take when you get married. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted January 4, 2009 Share Posted January 4, 2009 Hi Mr You'reasian Thanks for this. What ways do men see as displaying commitment then? We have been living together for 2 years, we go pretty much 50/50 on the finances. The next logical step for the female would be to consider marriage and tell everyone we are in it for the long haul. It makes me feel a temporary fixture, and not something he feels will be around forever. What is a guys take on it? He doesn't gain anything by marrying you at this point. He's already got what he wants - easy access to you, and sharing expenses 50-50. And if you split, well, it's much easier to move on without a divorce. His commitment is only as binding as your lease. Divorce is difficult; that's why getting married seems like a much stronger commitment - it's harder to get out of a marriage than a relationship. So people who are married, typically stick around when the going gets rough and at least try to work through it. Link to post Share on other sites
michelangelo Posted January 4, 2009 Share Posted January 4, 2009 offer to sign a prenuptial agreement with your guy renouncing any financial claim to spousal support, his assets, and his pension and see if his objection to marry disappears Link to post Share on other sites
fral945 Posted January 4, 2009 Share Posted January 4, 2009 So, just out of interest, what does make a guy decide he wants to get married? A woman. I'm one of those men that might get persuaded into marriage. But it will likely be because I'm given an ultimatum and the following 2 conditions apply: a) She has enough to offer long-term that I wouldn't want to lose her b) She would be willing to sign a pre-nup that would protect me financially (and her as well) Other than that, if a woman doesn't pressure me, I don't plan on walking down the aisle anytime. Link to post Share on other sites
BentSpine Posted January 4, 2009 Share Posted January 4, 2009 what does make a guy decide he wants to get married?Finding that special Lady who is very rich and very frail. Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted January 4, 2009 Share Posted January 4, 2009 offer to sign a prenuptial agreement with your guy renouncing any financial claim to spousal support, his assets, and his pension and see if his objection to marry disappears Aaaaaah! Who says Romance is dead.....? :laugh: Link to post Share on other sites
Author Racheroo Posted January 4, 2009 Author Share Posted January 4, 2009 Interesting...I said to him if I signed a pre-nup, which I would do, organised a wedding for under £2k (inferring it is a small wedding with only close family and not a showy display), didn't worry about the ring and honeymoon, would you consider it? He just smiled (probably because it is a bit unrealistic), but probably he would yes. I am a reasonable woman, honestly, but I do not want to pressure him into anything. I do not want to feel that it is me asking me to marry me in the end because I have forced him into it. Link to post Share on other sites
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