fral945 Posted January 4, 2009 Share Posted January 4, 2009 Racheroo, What is it about marriage that you want most? Is it the actual ceremony, the public proclamation of love, etc? You mentioned earlier that you wanted him to show the world that he wants to be your life partner. If that's the case, is there some other way he could do that? Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted January 4, 2009 Share Posted January 4, 2009 Interesting...I said to him if I signed a pre-nup, which I would do, organised a wedding for under £2k (inferring it is a small wedding with only close family and not a showy display), didn't worry about the ring and honeymoon, would you consider it? He just smiled (probably because it is a bit unrealistic), but probably he would yes. I am a reasonable woman, honestly, but I do not want to pressure him into anything. I do not want to feel that it is me asking me to marry me in the end because I have forced him into it. So how do you feel about that? It seems you've found a compromise. What happens now? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Racheroo Posted January 4, 2009 Author Share Posted January 4, 2009 HI norajane I guess I wait and see. I do love him and I know I am the most important person in his life. I do not want this to ruin us, so I shall just continue loving our relationship unconditionally. Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Author Racheroo Posted January 4, 2009 Author Share Posted January 4, 2009 Hi fral945 What do I want most about marriage, the fact that you are telling the other party that you are who they want to invest their time in, make this relationship the priority for the rest of their life. There is no other one statement that can make that. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 4, 2009 Share Posted January 4, 2009 Be careful about the unconditional part... Gunny spoke for this married guy pretty well. My reason for getting married was to have children. Absent that, and having nearly a decade under my belt now, I see his perspective very clearly. Good luck and best wishes! Link to post Share on other sites
ella23 Posted January 4, 2009 Share Posted January 4, 2009 My sis is in the same position as you OP. Her boyfriend also loves her a lot but has no desire to ever marry at all! Link to post Share on other sites
james123 Posted January 4, 2009 Share Posted January 4, 2009 The only reason for a guy to get married is because he's so inept at hooking up with women. Master that and other than having and raising children a man doesn't have any reason to get married. Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free! Why marry and make one woman miserable when you can stay single and make so many happy. (Of course from a women's perspective, "Why buy the pig when you get so little sasuage! ) Having been married and divorced, I have absolutely no rhymne, reason, initative, motivation, nor inclination to get married again. I have more to offer your typical woman, than your typical woman has to offer me. No brag, just fact. Why put all that I have to offer on the table and potentionally risk losing half of it in the future to some woman who hates my guts? couldn't have put it better than this. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted January 4, 2009 Share Posted January 4, 2009 The only reason for a guy to get married is because he's so inept at hooking up with women. Master that and other than having and raising children a man doesn't have any reason to get married. Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free! Why marry and make one woman miserable when you can stay single and make so many happy. (Of course from a women's perspective, "Why buy the pig when you get so little sasuage! ) Having been married and divorced, I have absolutely no rhymne, reason, initative, motivation, nor inclination to get married again. I have more to offer your typical woman, than your typical woman has to offer me. No brag, just fact. Why put all that I have to offer on the table and potentionally risk losing half of it in the future to some woman who hates my guts?Gunny, if I change the genders, this can also be applied to women. Why would they want to get married and have children with men who can't keep it in their pants? It's only going to cause custody issues in the future, as well as possibly losing half of what she's worked so hard for, potentially paying alimony. It's a pretty cynical attitude Gunny. While I can understand where you're coming from, in that I'm not gung-ho to do it again, you're taking out your anger and cynicism, from a couple of bad experiences with ethically-challenged, dishonourable women, and applying it with broad brush strokes to all women. Unfair. I expect more from you Gunny. You're a marine. Link to post Share on other sites
Shygirl15 Posted January 4, 2009 Share Posted January 4, 2009 ..... he is 42 ... Forget it. Link to post Share on other sites
You'reasian Posted January 5, 2009 Share Posted January 5, 2009 Forget it. LOL!! Q: Why don't men want to get married? A: Because you are interested in men who don't want to get married. Plain and simple. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 5, 2009 Share Posted January 5, 2009 CAn someone please shed some light on this? It seems men and women's views on marriage can be so different? I have been withmy b/f for 2 years now, he is 42 I am 33. When we first met, it was quite clear he was anti marriage, but as our relationship has developed he has said a few things that have offered a glimmer of hope to me, i.e. the next time you will meet my parents again will be at your wedding, or, do you like diamonds, or, if I ever was going to get married it would be with you...is it wrong for me to have thought he was warming up to the marriage idea? We met some friends we had not seen for a few months and the first thing they said, are you married yet? This led to THE conversation, which resulted in him saying, I am sure there are many men out there that would marry you but I am not one of them. I am stunned. I love him with every fibre of my being, he says he has not loved anyone the way he loves me. But without him showing the world that he wants to be my life partner, where am I? I can only conclude that he thinks there is a flaw in our relationship that a marriage would make difficult to undo in teh form of a divorce. He thinks I am beautiful, sexy, a good homemaker, funny, supportive, intelligent and he said he will never get a better offer than me. Then what is wrong? I really do not know whether I should invest more of me into this if he thinks it will break one day anyway...Any advice? I think that when people tell you how they are and what they want and don't want one should listen. It seems that your bf told you this when you first got together but you hoped you could change his mind. You haven't and now you are disappointed. Don't waste another year of your life trying to control his emotions as he has already told you what you need to hear to move on with the rest of your life. There are so many men who do want to marry. If you don't believe it keep reading here on LS and you will see. Men these days want to marry more than women. Link to post Share on other sites
sugar_and_spice Posted January 5, 2009 Share Posted January 5, 2009 Men these days want to marry more than women. Really? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 5, 2009 Share Posted January 5, 2009 Yeah. All I keep hearing are men who whine about these women who want to party and not settle down with one guy. Link to post Share on other sites
sugar_and_spice Posted January 5, 2009 Share Posted January 5, 2009 Yeah. All I keep hearing are men who whine about these women who want to party and not settle down with one guy. I thought it was the other way around! Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted January 5, 2009 Share Posted January 5, 2009 Then what is wrong? I really do not know whether I should invest more of me into this if he thinks it will break one day anyway...Any advice? Well, the fact that women cheating in a marriage might be a good indicator of why alot of men don't want to get married today. This thread says it all: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t174532 I know I was pro-marriage and honestly, that is still the kind of life I want. but I'll never get married again for that very reason. I still believe in relationships and being a one woman guy, but I don't want the hell of paying an attorney and being strapped in a marriage in the event my love isn't what I thought she was. I want my options open. In the event, I want to get out clean with no hassles. Link to post Share on other sites
sugar_and_spice Posted January 5, 2009 Share Posted January 5, 2009 Well, the fact that women cheating in a marriage might be a good indicator of why alot of men don't want to get married today. Erm, men cheat more than women. Link to post Share on other sites
Nikki Sahagin Posted January 5, 2009 Share Posted January 5, 2009 Well I don't think that women want to marry more than men do. I think in many cases women want the wedding, the big party, song and dance, the public display of love but not so much a marriage. And I think there are many reasons why people would choose not to marry. Here are just some of them: 1. They are happier in LTR than in a marriage. 2. They've never been big on marriage. 3. They are fearful of the outcome. 4. They are doubtful that they could uphold the committment 5. They are not intending to be with you forever. Link to post Share on other sites
sally4sara Posted January 5, 2009 Share Posted January 5, 2009 Erm, men cheat more than women. While this is historically true, and perhaps still true in certain communities or countries, I don't think its all that true anymore in western culture. I'd say the genders are about even currently. It's just the fact that it is more accepted and has been for a long time that a stereotype was made. Thats why you believe this. But that stereotype has been getting more and more outdated. Link to post Share on other sites
sugar_and_spice Posted January 5, 2009 Share Posted January 5, 2009 While this is historically true, and perhaps still true in certain communities or countries, I don't think its all that true anymore in western culture. I'd say the genders are about even currently. It's just the fact that it is more accepted and has been for a long time that a stereotype was made. Thats why you believe this. But that stereotype has been getting more and more outdated. possibly, but the comment was that men don't want to get married because women cheat. The same holds or could hold true the other way around too. Link to post Share on other sites
sally4sara Posted January 5, 2009 Share Posted January 5, 2009 Well I don't think that women want to marry more than men do. I think in many cases women want the wedding, the big party, song and dance, the public display of love but not so much a marriage. And I think there are many reasons why people would choose not to marry. Here are just some of them: 1. They are happier in LTR than in a marriage. 2. They've never been big on marriage. 3. They are fearful of the outcome. 4. They are doubtful that they could uphold the committment 5. They are not intending to be with you forever. I agree with this. Waiting till both people are more mature can prevent the getting married for the wedding. And more and more, by the time a woman matures, she starts being choosier and less likely to marry simply because she was asked or wants a sparkly ring. They are more likely to realize that marriage is for men and always has been. It only benefits women if their husbands die unexpectedly and have a good insurance pay off. I'm also wondering about the men who say their ex got everything; the kids the house, the car, alimony, the dog and the old farm cow etc. Take a look at how much money one has to be in arrears for in child support before the courts do any damn thing. My ex is behind as all hell. I've watched too may of my single mom friends waste time and lose more money taking off work to go to court and report their kid's dad in contempt. Then it takes a month or so for them to even get around to serving him to appear too. If the jerks show, a simple "I'm broke; all I got is $50 or $100". Time after time these guys just pay some money that same day. A small fraction of what they're behind and back to business as usual. The mom has to wait another month before she can do the whole routine all over. Making it $400 a year to support children on if they're lucky. Those guys who get the shaft? Man, I hear you and I'd be mad too, but you are the minority. A loud, angry minority scaring other guys into thinking that is the standard. You want to know the guys who REALLY get the shaft? Take a look at the single dads who never married the baby's mom but have custody! The courts really haven't gotten fair for them yet! My ex roomie was one and started a support group for others. That being said, I am not totally opposed to marriage; I am engaged after all. But having been married before I know I wouldn't DREAM of marrying again if I hadn't found my fiancee and he really wanted to get married. I'd be fine staying with him forever and not getting married. Its the fact that I know I'm not going anywhere that makes me willing to make him happy in this. I'm still scared though, even though he puts all others to shame! Link to post Share on other sites
sally4sara Posted January 5, 2009 Share Posted January 5, 2009 possibly, but the comment was that men don't want to get married because women cheat. The same holds or could hold true the other way around too. Like I said, its more commonly accepted for men to cheat. Not that they do it way more often. Men are just more likely to not forgive and work on the marriage because they cannot accept a woman doing that. Link to post Share on other sites
BlackLovely Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 When we first met, it was quite clear he was anti marriage, but as our relationship has developed he has said a few things that have offered a glimmer of hope to me, i.e. the next time you will meet my parents again will be at your wedding, or, do you like diamonds, or, if I ever was going to get married it would be with you...is it wrong for me to have thought he was warming up to the marriage idea? No, it wasn't wrong. You needed to let him know what you wanted. Clearly, he just wants to play with your head. Stop showing him any interest for a while; tell him that unless he figures out what he wants, you don't have time for his games. He should let you know very soon where he really stands. Spend some solitude thinking of why you allow him to hold all the cards. That's how I got my fiance to stop being 'afraid of commitment.' I made myself more emotionally independent and began to detach myself from all the breakups and makeups. He needed to lose me to know how much he cared. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Racheroo Posted January 6, 2009 Author Share Posted January 6, 2009 When we first met, it was quite clear he was anti marriage, but as our relationship has developed he has said a few things that have offered a glimmer of hope to me, i.e. the next time you will meet my parents again will be at your wedding, or, do you like diamonds, or, if I ever was going to get married it would be with you...is it wrong for me to have thought he was warming up to the marriage idea? No, it wasn't wrong. You needed to let him know what you wanted. Clearly, he just wants to play with your head. Stop showing him any interest for a while; tell him that unless he figures out what he wants, you don't have time for his games. He should let you know very soon where he really stands. Spend some solitude thinking of why you allow him to hold all the cards. That's how I got my fiance to stop being 'afraid of commitment.' I made myself more emotionally independent and began to detach myself from all the breakups and makeups. He needed to lose me to know how much he cared. Hi Blacklovely Thanks for your post. How long had you and your fiance been together before you were engaged and how old are you both? I think a common theme that is running through these posts especially from the guys is that my b/f is 42, therefore...it aint never gonna happen! Link to post Share on other sites
sugar_and_spice Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 The only reason I see people get married these days is to have children. In fact, I've only seen couples who married purely for love online! Link to post Share on other sites
eclipseIDE Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 No, it wasn't wrong. You needed to let him know what you wanted. Clearly, he just wants to play with your head. Stop showing him any interest for a while; tell him that unless he figures out what he wants, you don't have time for his games. He should let you know very soon where he really stands. Spend some solitude thinking of why you allow him to hold all the cards. That's how I got my fiance to stop being 'afraid of commitment.' I made myself more emotionally independent and began to detach myself from all the breakups and makeups. He needed to lose me to know how much he cared. This is awful advice, yes please resort to mind games to get him to "come around". Yes threats are a great motivation to get someone to marry you. If hes so replaceable why should he care if he loses you? Link to post Share on other sites
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