andwhoknew Posted January 29, 2009 Share Posted January 29, 2009 Hi Rancheroo, I am the lady referred to above by carhill, sort of similar situation to you. BF doesn't want to get married, won't tell me why. In a nutshell, you need to find out WHY he doesn't want to get married. Sounds like he is at least entertaining the idea, if only briefly. A guy convinced he doesn't want to marry, doesn't mention meeting his parents at the wedding. Conversely a guy that is convinced he wants to get married won't say that marriage is not for him. Maybe some part of the deal is acceptable to him but he's balking at something else. Sort of like how a whole book can be banned because of one objectionable paragraph. Once you find out what his objections are, you can work towards finding an acceptable compromise. Worried about wedding costs? Elope. Worried it's too soon? Wait a while. Worried about government oversight? Take the vows privately, don't sign the papers. Worried about assets comingling? Keep them separate. Worried about asset loss in divorce? Sign a prenup. I could go on but you get the point. This whole thread is filled with reasons SOME MEN don't want to get married, but it doesn't have clues about why YOUR MAN doesn't want to get married. If he just flat-out doesn't like the idea and doesn't give a reason, that would be a red flag for me. He is 42, he has had some time to think about this, he ought to have at least a coherent argument. And it may be, when you find out his reasons, that no compromise is possible. That's OK -- but please don't give up everything you were hoping for in a relationship to hang out with this guy. Your dreams are just as important as his fears. Of course if marriage isn't critical to you in a relationship, it could work out beautifully Wishing you the very best! Link to post Share on other sites
clv0116 Posted January 29, 2009 Share Posted January 29, 2009 I could go on but you get the point. This whole thread is filled with reasons SOME MEN don't want to get married, but it doesn't have clues about why YOUR MAN doesn't want to get married. If he just flat-out doesn't like the idea and doesn't give a reason, that would be a red flag for me. He is 42, he has had some time to think about this, he ought to have at least a coherent argument. This might be the best post so far, this paragraph in particular. Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted January 29, 2009 Share Posted January 29, 2009 Can someone please shed some light on this? When we first met, it was quite clear he was anti marriage, but as our relationship has developed he has said a few things that have offered a glimmer of hope to me, i.e. the next time you will meet my parents again will be at your wedding, could this have been the equivalent of "it'll be a cold day in hell before you meet my parents again..." do you like diamonds, maybe he was thinking of getting you earrings... if I ever was going to get married it would be with you... "but I've already made it clear I'm not, so this is the highest compliment I can pay you..." is it wrong for me to have thought he was warming up to the marriage idea? We met some friends we had not seen for a few months and the first thing they said, are you married yet? This led to THE conversation, which resulted in him saying, I am sure there are many men out there that would marry you but I am not one of them. I am stunned. I mean this in a gentle way, but it's a great example of hearing what you want to hear. The statements you mention above are, at best, ambiguous as to their true meaning, but you so wanted him to change that you let that bias affect your perception. So, in spite of him making it clear that he wasn't the marrying type, and in view of these statements, which objectively don't really convey a significant change, you ended up not just surprised or disappointed, but flat out stunned that he hadn't changed. It seems like most signs were probably that he hadn't changed, but you were grasping at the very few feeble possibilities that he had, and by directing all your attention to those weak signals, you convinced yourself that it was going to happen, and ended up shocked. I think that when people tell you how they are and what they want and don't want one should listen. It seems that your bf told you this when you first got together but you hoped you could change his mind. You haven't and now you are disappointed. Someone else always says it more concisely than I do... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Racheroo Posted January 30, 2009 Author Share Posted January 30, 2009 I mean this in a gentle way, but it's a great example of hearing what you want to hear. The statements you mention above are, at best, ambiguous as to their true meaning, but you so wanted him to change that you let that bias affect your perception. So, in spite of him making it clear that he wasn't the marrying type, and in view of these statements, which objectively don't really convey a significant change, you ended up not just surprised or disappointed, but flat out stunned that he hadn't changed. It seems like most signs were probably that he hadn't changed, but you were grasping at the very few feeble possibilities that he had, and by directing all your attention to those weak signals, you convinced yourself that it was going to happen, and ended up shocked. Someone else always says it more concisely than I do... Beautifully put, and thank you Link to post Share on other sites
Quinch Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 I think Gene Simmons of KISS lives with his partner but refuses to marry her because he wants her to have the freedom to wake up every day and decide - of her own free will - to stay with him or not without being tied to any contract. She can walk away at any time but every day she makes the decision to stay. I think that's kinda romantic Link to post Share on other sites
clv0116 Posted January 30, 2009 Share Posted January 30, 2009 ... he wants her to have the freedom to wake up every day and decide - of her own free will - to stay with him or not without being tied to any contract. Ya, she can decide to walk away from all that money or not. Link to post Share on other sites
Alma Mobley Posted February 3, 2009 Share Posted February 3, 2009 Ya, she can decide to walk away from all that money or not. Did the OP say he was rich? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 3, 2009 Share Posted February 3, 2009 I think a better question is why would a woman who wants to marry stay with a man for 2 years who made it clear in the beginning that he never wants to marry? Now that's what is confusing. Not his action but yours. Link to post Share on other sites
wharfrat1987 Posted February 3, 2009 Share Posted February 3, 2009 As a 40 year old male who has never married or had children, I have come to the conclusion that marriage is just not worth the risk. Over 60% of couples end up divorced. I tend not to believe that I am so unique that my marriage would last through good times and bad. That's just not the way it works anymore, UNFORTUNATELY. I have friends who I thought would be married forever, and then a short time later find out they are getting divorced for, invariably, the same two reasons. Sex and money. I have now been in a relationship for five years with a g/f who constantly complains about money. We also have a totally sexless relationship. It sounds just like a married couple, without the vows. The good thing is, I am getting out of this relationship and will not need an attorney to do it. Link to post Share on other sites
clv0116 Posted February 3, 2009 Share Posted February 3, 2009 Did the OP say he was rich? I think Gene Simmons is set up OK, but I could be wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 3, 2009 Share Posted February 3, 2009 Anyone in a LTR or contemplating one (as an alternative to marriage) should confer with a lawyer regarding statutes related to long-term cohabitation. Depending on jurisdiction, cohabitation can be as legally binding upon the parties as marriage. The issues can be complex, so don't think the lack of a marriage license mean that one can just walk away if things don't work out. Add a child to the mix and a whole new can of worms presents itself. IMO, when two bodies and minds meet, there is no simple choice... Link to post Share on other sites
clv0116 Posted February 3, 2009 Share Posted February 3, 2009 .... The issues can be complex, so don't think the lack of a marriage license mean that one can just walk away if things don't work out. Add a child to the mix and a whole new can of worms presents itself. A lot of the 'common law' and other horse crap comes from a time when women were disadvantaged in society with regard to earning. It all needs to go down the toilet with the rest of the ****. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 4, 2009 Share Posted February 4, 2009 Regardless of appropriateness, better to ride the bear lest the bear eat you, meaning getting good legal advice no matter the circumstance, where substantial assets are involved Link to post Share on other sites
clv0116 Posted February 4, 2009 Share Posted February 4, 2009 Regardless of appropriateness, better to ride the bear lest the bear eat you, meaning getting good legal advice no matter the circumstance, where substantial assets are involved Oh absolutely. A man would be insane to get married without legal counsel in the modern world. Link to post Share on other sites
eclipseIDE Posted February 4, 2009 Share Posted February 4, 2009 Here is todays reason not to get married. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t171553/ This is all to common from what I hear and see from the men I know and the ones that post here. This to me is disgusting. The guy wants have have sex with his wife for christs sake. Is that really asking for too much? Link to post Share on other sites
clv0116 Posted February 4, 2009 Share Posted February 4, 2009 As far as I'm concerned if one partner holds out like that for an extended period it's the same as granting the other a license to step outside the relationship. You can't be "not in the mood" for 4 months and expect anything else. Link to post Share on other sites
PinkKittyKat Posted February 4, 2009 Share Posted February 4, 2009 As far as I'm concerned if one partner holds out like that for an extended period it's the same as granting the other a license to step outside the relationship. You can't be "not in the mood" for 4 months and expect anything else. QFT, clv. If my bf did that to me in a marriage that's a total rejection, it'd be like saying, "Sorry honey, we're not going to eat for 4 months ok?". It's just SO NECESSARY to keep that going, even if you're "not in the mood". Intimacy is lost, and you may as well be roomates at that point. If it's some sort of medical problem I'd make an allowance, but simply not feeling like it is pretty disrespectful. Maybe I'll just let the dishes pile up in the sink, cause "I'm not in the mood to wash them". ~~~~~~~~~ Anyway, my bf is very open to marriage, even though he used to swear to friends and family he'd never get married. He says that just being with me made him change his mind. There was no pressure, and he was the one who brought it up 3 months into the relationship. It's been 2 years now and we're both getting excited to be married. He has so many ideas and plans about the ceremony and loves to talk about it, he suggests popping into local bridal stores to "have a look", he browses dress sites with me and once even surprised me with a wedding magazine he picked up on the way home from work. I dated my last ex for 4 years and he was always pressuring me for marriage. I told him repeatedly that I was not ready and that I doubted I ever WOULD be. He always used to say "Well, you know what I want." The thought of marriage then filled me with a cold dread. And then, after dating my current bf, 3 months in, and I could realistically see us taking the plunge! Sometimes it's just the person, and not the institution of marriage. So, yeah, "most men" is a strong term. Link to post Share on other sites
clv0116 Posted February 4, 2009 Share Posted February 4, 2009 .... If it's some sort of medical problem I'd make an allowance .... Absolutely, sure. Even then I'd sort of expect (and be willing to do the same) to actively try to work around whatever the issue is. I can't imagine NOT wanting to satisfy my partner. It's just alien. Also your BF is a sissy. He can want to get married but he needs to lay off the Bride magazine, mkay? Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted February 4, 2009 Share Posted February 4, 2009 I don't see why men wouldn't want to be married. I mean come on, its the desired situation to be in -get married -sex stops -man learns to accept the lowered libido in the woman brought on by eating wedding cake -woman wonders why man no longer asks for sex -woman has an affair -divorce follows the affair -woman takes kids away from father so to speak -man has to pay for the privilege of not being with his kids every day Why wouldn't a man want to get married?? ya got me:rolleyes: Link to post Share on other sites
Shygirl15 Posted February 4, 2009 Share Posted February 4, 2009 lol!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted February 4, 2009 Share Posted February 4, 2009 Married 25 years, raised 2 kids, made it through all the hard times, enjoyed (or so I believed) the good times. Then all of a sudden, out of the blue, returning home from a movie...... "I need space to find myself". She had been cheating with the same guy, and a few short term flings the whole marriage. I gave her space without reservation. Gave her/she took everything. Left me with an empty checkbook (literally .60 cents) and lived happily after with her H.S. Boyfriend. I recovered. I haven't given any thought to marriage since. One woman I dated mentioned it, I almost jumped out of the car window on the freeway. Now I'm almost 60 (almost 9 years later) and it doesen't matter anymore. I'll never work hard enought to be "rich", or to aquire valuable assets. All marriage does now is reduce the social security check I'll qualify for in 7 years. Love is enough for me. Anything else is gravy. Link to post Share on other sites
PinkKittyKat Posted February 4, 2009 Share Posted February 4, 2009 Absolutely, sure. Even then I'd sort of expect (and be willing to do the same) to actively try to work around whatever the issue is. I can't imagine NOT wanting to satisfy my partner. It's just alien. Also your BF is a sissy. He can want to get married but he needs to lay off the Bride magazine, mkay? Hahaha, I should have made it more clear that the magazine was for me cause he knew I'd like it, he wasn't reading it.... LOL Link to post Share on other sites
eclipseIDE Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 Heres todays reason from the divorce thread. The bolded text I found quite disturbing because I notice a lot of women think they are owed something when they are in a long term relationship. Then she said she's willing to settle out of court for 50% custody and 20 grand for our house. I have the money to pay her, but our house is probably worth nothing after commission. The money I have is from an inheritance and separate from our estate. I told her she was the one leaving and that I wanted to work things out, so why should I pay her to leave me? She said, then consider it my payment for 15 years together. Link to post Share on other sites
PinkKittyKat Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 Heres todays reason from the divorce thread. The bolded text I found quite disturbing because I notice a lot of women think they are owed something when they are in a long term relationship. Then she said she's willing to settle out of court for 50% custody and 20 grand for our house. I have the money to pay her, but our house is probably worth nothing after commission. The money I have is from an inheritance and separate from our estate. I told her she was the one leaving and that I wanted to work things out, so why should I pay her to leave me? She said, then consider it my payment for 15 years together. You're right... that's sickening. F**king self rightous bitch. She should be paying him for the time he wasted on that harpy. That's why pre-nups are always good. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted February 10, 2009 Share Posted February 10, 2009 You're right... that's sickening. F**king self rightous bitch. She should be paying him for the time he wasted on that harpy. That's why pre-nups are always good. I know I don't have a positive view of most women but your future husband is a lucky man. You seem like a woman that actually likes and respects men and when you have that everything else tends to fall into place. Link to post Share on other sites
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