Why don't men want to get married?

[Dexter Morgan]

The fact is, divorce isn't good on the kids. However, neither is being in a bad marriage.

 

very true.

 

but sometimes the marriage isn't bad, just one person can't handle forsaking all others and likes variety in having sex with someone other than the same person for the rest of their life.

 

there are some out there that like the married life, but just like having a new face to f##k once in a while.

 

 

So perhaps that's why guys are so reluctant to get married.

 

I am now reluctant, and more than reluctant(probably now completely against), at the idea of marriage because of what I said above and my experience.

 

I know there are completely faithful and loving women out there(and yes there are men out there too for the women who are reluctant), but I think they are few and far between.

 

And you really just don't know if you are getting someone that has the capability of remaining faithful no matter what situation they find themselves in.

 

 

They are scared that they won't make the correct decision and will either get stuck in a bad marriage or getting divorced.

 

exactly...and making the correct decision is hard to do...cuz how do you really know?

 

 

So why aren't women so reluctant to get married?

 

because they aren't the ones that get bent over and reamed in a divorce.

 

 

Why are we so confident that are marriages will work

 

we can't be...I've learned that. thats why I won't do it again.

 

 

that we won't end up in a bad marriage or getting divorced? And that even if the worst happens, and we somehow end up getting divorced, it will somehow be alright in the end?

 

after getting divorced once. I can say it ended up being better than alright for me for one simple reason....I am free of the wench. Money-wise, not so much...but hey. happiness is more important to me than money. And when I no longer am paying support, and she already stupidly blew through what little of my retirement she got, she is gonna have to buy a run-down trailer to live in.

[clv0116]

That is true. Both the husband and wife loose financially after the divorce.

 

No, they don't. The husband loses. Here is a worked example. Betty works as a commercial cleaning contractor and earns $1200 a month working 30 hours a week in a low stress job. Tom is building his career and working 65 hour weeks. At the time they meet Tom is earning $7500 a month.

 

They marry and Betty quits her job, and they enjoy 12 years of life partnership. Sometime in the 12th year Betty decides she's sick of living with a man who works so much and realizes what she really needs is to find a different sort of man.

 

After the divorce is over, Tom finds himself saddled with most of the marital debt, less than 50% of the assets, and a $3000 a month spousal support payment out of his (now) $9000 salary. Betty finds herself retired on $36K a year.

 

How is Betty worse off than before she married Tom? She's not. She *IS* worse off than when they were married, but that's not the comparison any rational single man would make, is it?

 

To Tom, all he sees is he's now taking home $6000 where he was taking home $7500, and he COULD be taking home $9000, plus he's still paying for the new Volvo he got Betty 18 months ago and then rolled into his home equity line of credit.

[subdued]

because they aren't the ones that get bent over and reamed in a divorce.

 

But this isn't true. I know many women, myself included, who have lost much more than their husbands financially due to the divorce. Many women have had to raise their kids by themselves, without spousal support.

 

I think my ex paid about 10% or the cost of raising my kids after the divorce. My mom paid about 40% (with her money that she made working), and I paid the remaining 50%.

 

If you are so worried about losing money financially from the divorce, then why don't you marry a successful woman? There are many women who are making a lot of money. My sister's husband got to stay home and raise the kids for almost 10 years before going back to work. He still doesn't make as much money as my sister due to having stayed home and taking care of the kids for 10 years. My mom makes a lot more money than her second husband. In fact, she now makes a lot more money than my dad ever made, who by the way refused to pay my mom one cent in child support. Yes. There are ways to get out of paying child support if you really don't want to pay it.

 

The thing is my boyfriend deep down wants to pay child support. He wants his daughter to live in a good neighborhood, go to private school, and have good things. It's not all about the ex-wife, it's also about the kids. When my dad refused to pay child support, he also refused to pay for us kids.

 

Anyway, what I'm finding out is that the men who don't want to get married have very little confidence, both in themselves and in the women they are with.

[RavenHair]

I say LISTEN to what your bf is telling you. He does NOT want to get married, NOT EVER. If marriage is so important to you, then find someone else who is interested in marriage. It sounds to me like he told you up front, you just thought you could change his mind. That never works, BTW. A guy wants to get married because he wants to, period. I think every guy has his reasons and they're going to be different, but you don't need to analyze it too much. Your guy doesn't want to get married. It sounds like you're trying to figure out why men want to get married so you can pin point something in your guy that would indicate that he would marry you in the future? I personally think you should stop wasting your time. If you want to get married, then find someone that wants the same thing.

[subdued]

Hi RavenHair,

 

Are you talking to me? Because my boyfriend has not said that he won't ever marry me. In fact, he gets happy when I buy stuff for the wedding. But he also gets scared. The problem is he doesn't understand why he is so scared. That's what I'm trying to figure out, what he is so scared of.

[RavenHair]

Subdued,

No, I was not talking to you. I was responding to the original poster.

[Lizzie60]

Wow long thread..

 

I only read your OP.. so maybe I missed this... are you living together?

 

If you are.. then why would he marry you?

 

I totally understand him... as I am a woman and I never wanted to get married... I never did and never will..

 

I do not see the point of getting married.. as you can have the same 'benefits' if you are careful... (financially I mean)... could also depend where you live..

 

Methink he will never marry you.. but the way he said it to you... humm... that let me wonder if he's as much in love with you as you are with him.

 

'a lot of guys would marry you.. but I'm not one of them'... that was a little bit arrogant... he's too full of himself.. and totally sure you won't leave him.... so why would he compromise.

 

Leave him... if he comes back and ask you to marry him.. then he's really into you.. if he doesn't .. well you'll have your answer..

 

But.. I'm fairly sure .. you are not 'strong' enough to do that. but you should...

[clv0116]

But this isn't true. I know many women, myself included, who have lost much more than their husbands financially due to the divorce.

 

So your employment opportunities are worse now than before you wed why?

[subdued]

I was a securities analyst overseas. My talent was in speaking and reading the foreign language and writing reports in English. (I spent many years learning the language for my ex.) My older daughter's knowledge of the language was not good enough to go to college there. My ex wanted me to take my older daughter back to the United States so that I could support her through college. There wasn't enough money to send her to the States by herself.

 

Soon after I got back here, the US went into a recession. I had a difficult time finding work. I could not get the position in the United States that I had overseas. The position doesn't exist. My income declined substantially. My younger daughter wanted to live with us once she started junior high, and my ex thought it was best that she did. He had gotten re-married that year, and his new wife was not into taking care of his kids. (My younger daughter was living with my mother-in-law at the time.) So my younger daughter joined us a year later. I then had two kids to raise in the States.

 

If I hadn't gotten divorced, then both my ex and I would have returned to the United States so that our older daughter could go to college in the States. There would have been two incomes paying for one household. Or we could have pooled the money that we would have had if we had only one household overseas (instead of two separate households) to send our daughter to college in the States. But instead, my ex re-married someone else and paid for that household. BTW, his current wife does not work.

[mental_traveller]

 

The word 'boyfriend' says I can just walk out the door and not even care because there is no reason for me to try to work it out. The word 'boyfriend' says this is not a HOME, it is a place where we SHACK UP together. The word 'boyfriend' says here today, gone tomorrow. The word 'boyfriend' says this is the only title I am willing to give to you.

 

In other words, the word 'boyfriend' says he is smart enough not to put his wellbeing at the mercy of one woman.

[mental_traveller]

Hi RavenHair,

 

Are you talking to me? Because my boyfriend has not said that he won't ever marry me. In fact, he gets happy when I buy stuff for the wedding. But he also gets scared. The problem is he doesn't understand why he is so scared. That's what I'm trying to figure out, what he is so scared of.

 

He might fear losing his independence, being tied down, and the potential consequences if things go wrong.

 

If he has these fears then there's a chance he's either not suited to marriage, or isn't 100% in love with you. Or he could just be having normal cold feet. But in my experience, marriages which last start with total trust and commitment, rather than fears and uncertainty. If it isn't a 100% no-brainer to get married, you shouldn't do it IMO.

[mental_traveller]

Wow long thread..

 

I only read your OP.. so maybe I missed this... are you living together?

 

If you are.. then why would he marry you?

 

I totally understand him... as I am a woman and I never wanted to get married... I never did and never will..

 

I do not see the point of getting married.. as you can have the same 'benefits' if you are careful... (financially I mean)... could also depend where you live..

 

Sensible reasons to get married:

 

1. You want to start a family together and provide a more secure, stable environment for the children.

2. If you live in different countries, and one of you can only get a visa if you are married to the other.

3. If you live in a jurisdiction where fornication is illegal, and can't relocate.

 

All of those reasons give benefits which you can't get if you aren't married.

[mental_traveller]

 

Anyway, what I'm finding out is that the men who don't want to get married have very little confidence, both in themselves and in the women they are with.

 

This is a silly and inaccurate generalization.

[Dexter Morgan]

Methink he will never marry you.. but the way he said it to you... humm... that let me wonder if he's as much in love with you as you are with him.

 

'a lot of guys would marry you.. but I'm not one of them'... that was a little bit arrogant... he's too full of himself.. and totally sure you won't leave him.... so why would he compromise.

 

uh....those two bolded statements coming from you?

[clv0116]

I was a securities analyst overseas. My talent was in speaking and reading the foreign language and writing reports in English.

 

....

 

Soon after I got back here, the US went into a recession. I had a difficult time finding work.

 

First, I don't see how we can blame the US recession on your divorce, but I'm willing to listen to your theories. Secondly, I'm not clear why you and your younger daughter cannot return to where your previous employment is/was.

[Rooster_DAR]

Marriage is becoming increasingly unpopular as time passes, and I can see why. I think people find it less of a hassle to marry, it's an old doctrine that may have lost it's novelty over the ages. From a man's perspective, he does not have much to benefit especially when it comes to divorce (which is almost always inevitable).

 

A person can share the same excitement of marriage just being in love and sharing themselves with a partner, why go through the ritual of wedlock. Studies do show however that married people last much longer than those who choose not to walk the aisle, perhaps the public commitment and religion are a factor there.

 

I say all who wish not to marry, you go!

 

Cheers!

 

 

 

 

 

Reference: http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/2005-07-18-cohabit-divorce_x.htm

[clv0116]

... when it comes to divorce (which is almost always inevitable).

 

That's a little over the top I guess.

[allina]

That's a little over the top I guess.

 

Yeah, no kidding

[Chubbi]

Racheroo, please do what you think is right; personally, I would wait a little longer before you give ultimatums. You don't want to make him feel like he has to marry you. Maya Angelou once said, "When I person shows you who they are, believe them." I'm young so let me tell you from my perspective. But take my youth into consideration.

 

There is so much cool stuff about being married.

1.) You get to introduce someone like, "This is my Husband/wife." If he does well, you get to brag to your friends like, "Yeah, my H is so cool and thoughtful". I mean, just calling your someone your H instead of your "bf" just makes it real and it makes it official. It's doesn't seem high-schoolish, you know? Any body can get a boyfriend, anyone can be a boyfriend, but it takes something else to be a Husband/wife.

2.) The wedding ceremony. Have you been married before? If you had, then maybe this isn't big for you. But I think it's exciting- women get to wear a white dress, pick out the flowers, play make-up one last time. It's like being a little prom girl all over, but the person you're doing it with isn't just a prom date- he's your one and only!! For men, we get to buy the cake, and go on honeymoon, and then have sex

3.) You get a certificate. You can put in on the wall or in a filing cabinet or whatever. You're married- you can put it in the newspapers, you get to show off your wedding ring. You get to giggle with your friends about different sex positions because no one will look down on you for doing all types of things with your spouse. You can tell people all types of nasty sex stuff and no one can look bad at you or call you a whore/slut (very hurtful words) because you are doing it with your H.

4.) When you have a child, your child will know that your H is her father. Your daugther can't say, "Well, your boyfriend..." You know, it just sounds wierd doesn't it? Saying it's your H sounds so much better and adult-like. He can't walk out on you without first consulting a lawyer, going marriage counsellor. I mean, marriage is a lot harder to end, and therefore it takes more committment

5.) You know he is super committed to you because he is marrying you regardless of the fears. And trust me, there are a lot of fears- what if the sex stops? what if you abandon him and take half of his money? what if- what if? He still wants to marry you and say you're his one and only- I mean, that's pretty incredible.

6.) You can carry him across the threshold if you're strong enough etc..etc..

 

I mean, what I don't see is- what difference does it make? If you guys live together happily already and want to go at it forever, why not get married anyway? You guys could do the whole ceremony, and then just go back to being normal. The only difference is if someone wants out, it's going to take a little more to divide the stuff. When he's your b/f he could just up and leave, but he can't do that too fast if he's your H. It just makes you wonder if he really loves you, doesn't it? If he loves you, why doesn't his love for you conquer his fear of divorce? It just seems off a bit.

 

I feel like Racheroo if it's something you want to do, and your H doesn't want to do it, then you either gotta give up on marriage or find someone else. I don't think you should try to make him marry you. People tell me that if I man wants to be with you, he will. I just hope you don't sacrifice a dream to be with him.

[Lionblade]

Racheroo, please do what you think is right; personally, I would wait a little longer before you give ultimatums. You don't want to make him feel like he has to marry you. Maya Angelou once said, "When I person shows you who they are, believe them." I'm young so let me tell you from my perspective. But take my youth into consideration.

 

There is so much cool stuff about being married.

1.) You get to introduce someone like, "This is my Husband/wife." If he does well, you get to brag to your friends like, "Yeah, my H is so cool and thoughtful". I mean, just calling your someone your H instead of your "bf" just makes it real and it makes it official. It's doesn't seem high-schoolish, you know? Any body can get a boyfriend, anyone can be a boyfriend, but it takes something else to be a Husband/wife.

2.) The wedding ceremony. Have you been married before? If you had, then maybe this isn't big for you. But I think it's exciting- women get to wear a white dress, pick out the flowers, play make-up one last time. It's like being a little prom girl all over, but the person you're doing it with isn't just a prom date- he's your one and only!! For men, we get to buy the cake, and go on honeymoon, and then have sex

3.) You get a certificate. You can put in on the wall or in a filing cabinet or whatever. You're married- you can put it in the newspapers, you get to show off your wedding ring. You get to giggle with your friends about different sex positions because no one will look down on you for doing all types of things with your spouse. You can tell people all types of nasty sex stuff and no one can look bad at you or call you a whore/slut (very hurtful words) because you are doing it with your H.

4.) When you have a child, your child will know that your H is her father. Your daugther can't say, "Well, your boyfriend..." You know, it just sounds wierd doesn't it? Saying it's your H sounds so much better and adult-like. He can't walk out on you without first consulting a lawyer, going marriage counsellor. I mean, marriage is a lot harder to end, and therefore it takes more committment

5.) You know he is super committed to you because he is marrying you regardless of the fears. And trust me, there are a lot of fears- what if the sex stops? what if you abandon him and take half of his money? what if- what if? He still wants to marry you and say you're his one and only- I mean, that's pretty incredible.

6.) You can carry him across the threshold if you're strong enough etc..etc..

 

I mean, what I don't see is- what difference does it make? If you guys live together happily already and want to go at it forever, why not get married anyway? You guys could do the whole ceremony, and then just go back to being normal. The only difference is if someone wants out, it's going to take a little more to divide the stuff. When he's your b/f he could just up and leave, but he can't do that too fast if he's your H. It just makes you wonder if he really loves you, doesn't it? If he loves you, why doesn't his love for you conquer his fear of divorce? It just seems off a bit.

 

I feel like Racheroo if it's something you want to do, and your H doesn't want to do it, then you either gotta give up on marriage or find someone else. I don't think you should try to make him marry you. People tell me that if I man wants to be with you, he will. I just hope you don't sacrifice a dream to be with him.

 

Is it just me or is that superficial and unimportant?

 

1) Why are you so worried about what other people think rather than just focusing in being in a happy relationship?

 

2) It's just a ceremony. Sure it's great but is a ceremony going to change how you feel about each other?

 

3) A certificate? Do you need validation of your marriage? Just sounds insecure to me.

 

4) That just sounds like entrapment.

 

5) Look at 4.

 

I mean, what I don't see is- what difference does it make? If you guys live together happily already and want to go at it forever, why not get married anyway?

 

I can say the same thing about not getting married. If you're happy in a relationship, isn't that all that matters? Why do you need validation?

[Dexter Morgan]

Marriage is becoming increasingly unpopular as time passes, and I can see why. I think people find it less of a hassle to marry

 

 

i still believe in the sanctity of marriage

 

but for me personally....never again.

[Brulee]

Do you move out? Is that not pressuring a man more? Is it just too late if you do give yourself away without marriage? Is there a way to backtrack. Just curious what your various thoughts are on this subject.

[frankie881388]

Gunny, if I change the genders, this can also be applied to women. Why would they want to get married and have children with men who can't keep it in their pants? It's only going to cause custody issues in the future, as well as possibly losing half of what she's worked so hard for, potentially paying alimony.

 

It's a pretty cynical attitude Gunny. While I can understand where you're coming from, in that I'm not gung-ho to do it again, you're taking out your anger and cynicism, from a couple of bad experiences with ethically-challenged, dishonourable women, and applying it with broad brush strokes to all women. Unfair. I expect more from you Gunny. You're a marine.

 

It is the feminist movement that pushed the law to side with the women. So he is not generalizing. It is happening all over to divorced men. Potentially all women benefit from it.

[frankie881388]

You say things like this to him but then say you don't want to pressure him... sorry hun but this is EXACTLY what you are doing. I understand where you are coming from... I'm in a similar situation where my bf is very much like yours and that he comes across as anti-marriage. I myself would like to be married (again) someday but am not that concerned about it. You on the other hand make it very evident that you want marriage, and frankly this is the number one reason why men DONT want to get married, IMO. The pressure men get from their SO turns them against the idea of marriage, and who would want a man to agree on;y because they were pressured into it anyway?? No way.. you want him to want it on his own, and there are men out there that do.

 

Stop pressuring him, stop talking about it, stop acting interested in it. He KNOWS what you want, you don't need to show him anymore. One of the other posters said something about him not needing the cow when he can get the milk for free - I totally agree with this. There is nothing in it for him if he marries you, he already has you.

 

Read "Why Men Marry Bitches" - it's very interesting.

 

What is that book about? Although from the title, it is implying that men like women who are out of control, who give them challenges... I don't think that is a good idea and it sends a wrong message. Bitches are selfish, self absorbed individual and the title pretends to tell women that men love those type of behaviors.

 

What I found offensive is that you assumed a man won't do anything for his woman if he already "has" her. Does that mean the woman should all of a sudden make herself unavailable to him and make herself hard to get again? I can tell you those games are for high school girls.

[frankie881388]

In my opinion, men play a lot of games. They lie and cheat and do whatever they have to in order to get what they want. It's not until a woman decides she isn't going to take a man's BS and let him walk all over her that men decide to take the easy route and opt for foreign-born women, who will let them do whatever they want to do and never say one word to them or utter one syllable of complaint. Men want to be able to have their cake and eat it too.

 

They complain about women getting alimony and child support and that women should get a job, but what about those women who gave up their careers to stay home and raise children, clean house and take care of their husbands, for no pay and no pension? How often do men quit their jobs to do that? How many men take a paternity leave when expecting? I had to quit my job when I had children, which meant my career was at a standstill while my husband's career was in full swing. I was still at the same place while my husband moved forward in his career. Over time, I slowly became obsolete in my field and my husband shone in his.

 

Now, after two children and days of Play-Doh, diapers and Barney, I was no longer interesting or attractive to him and he started seeing other women. Never mind that I spent my days cleaning his house, washing his clothes, cooking his meals and sitting at home with his baby on my swollen breast while changing diapers on two babies. Never mind that I stayed in shape and worked out after each baby and still managed to have a flat stomach and a small waist after having two 10-lb. babies for him, or that I did everything he told me to do when he told me to do it.

 

It still wasn't enough to hold him and he left. He tried to come back and I wouldn't let him; hell, he threw me and the children out into the street and left us homeless for three months. I managed to make a home for us. Even though I was awarded child support and spousal support, I never received a dime, despite the fact I was legally entitled to it (fewer than 5% of mothers receive any money from the baby's father). Now I moved on and met other men who lied and said they wanted to get married, but turned out they only wanted to get laid.

 

I won't have sex until I am married and men don't see me as worth the trouble and dismiss me. If men would just stop playing games and see marriage for what it is, a beautiful union between two people in love, and not some kind of trap where a woman is trying to get rich. Not all women are trying to get money and yes, all men want sex. That is a fact.

 

....and so you hate men and rant about it here!