Why don't men want to get married?

[clv0116]

.... It's not until a woman decides she isn't going to take a man's BS and let him walk all over her that men decide to take the easy route and opt for foreign-born women, who will let them do whatever they want to do and never say one word to them or utter one syllable of complaint.

 

Well I'm strongly considering a foreign model myself, but anyone who thinks foreign women are doormats hasn't met enough actual foreign women.

[Darkrunner]

Marriage means nothing. Zero. Ziltch.

 

I am always amazed at the number of women who live under the delusion that a marriage certificate = commitment.

 

"Well if he was committed he would marry me!"

 

Please. Getting married doesn't mean jack as far as commitment goes. The sky high divorce rates in this country more than attest to that fact.

 

One of my work associate's significant other came up with this gem:

 

"We won't get divorced! He has nothing to be afraid of!"

 

Yeah. Ask any couple on their wedding day if they foresee a divorce in the future. Uhh no. But happens more than you know.

 

I dunno. The more I observe the couples I know discuss this...I think the women just want the dog and pony show, since it's been beaten into their heads since birth that that is what the norm is.

 

My job requires me to work at different sites all over America. Some of the married guys on the work crew 'find' women in every city. How is this possible? He's married! He's committed!

 

When I hear women wring their hands and bemoan the fact their SO isn't committed to the relationship because he doesn't want marriage, I want to pull my hair out.

[OldEurope]

Marriage hardly means "ziltch" or "zero". It is a test of committment, responsibility, long-term vision, and idealism. I applaud the fact that we humans, enduring so much hardship and pain, still push forward wanting the hope of a great relationship.

 

And there are great marriages out there. There are men who adore and respect their wives, and vice-versa. The cynics may be louder in bemoaning marriage but they are little more than that--cynical and loud

 

Women do not want a "dog and pony show", save for some idiot socialite type who is going to "marry" every two years anyhow.

 

Most sane, beautiful, smart women want to hear from a man: It is You I want to spend my life with . I do not want to live without you. I would venture to say that most women want to hear this in their lives. Now, such words don't "necessarily" mean marriage today, but marriage is really the bond, the seal we recognize in adhering to this kind of sentiment.

 

And so what if people go to the altar hoping for the best? Excluding the head-on collisions born out of true immaturity, a big bright dash of human hope to be a succesful couple is quite nice. Everyone wants happiness, and every one should be commended for "daring" to marry, in a way.

 

The real ugliness as I see it is in the divorce laws. That men really get taken to the cleaners (and often for these two year, four year marriages), is a crime. While not minimalizing the significance of divorce, it just should not be so one sided and harsh.

 

OE

[imani]

I think in today's society, there are more people (both men and women) who are opting on not getting married at all. I don't think people are up to that kind of commitment these days. Its very rare to find a couple totally dedicated to their spouse. Its very easy to commit adultry because our standards are so low now. People seem to have become "okay" with "sharing" a spouse as oppose to being with only the one they're married to.

 

Loyalty & honesty have turned into a fading trends, I'm afraid. And those are just two of the many things needed for a successful marriage.

[stillafool]

I think in today's society, there are more people (both men and women) who are opting on not getting married at all. I don't think people are up to that kind of commitment these days. Its very rare to find a couple totally dedicated to their spouse. Its very easy to commit adultry because our standards are so low now. People seem to have become "okay" with "sharing" a spouse as oppose to being with only the one they're married to.

 

Loyalty & honesty have turned into a fading trends, I'm afraid. And those are just two of the many things needed for a successful marriage.

 

Yes and not to mention the couples who are only staying together because they don't want to change their financial status.

[LakesideDream]

In my opinion, men play a lot of games. They lie and cheat and do whatever they have to in order to get what they want. It's not until a woman decides she isn't going to take a man's BS and let him walk all over her that men decide to take the easy route and opt for foreign-born women, who will let them do whatever they want to do and never say one word to them or utter one syllable of complaint. Men want to be able to have their cake and eat it too.

 

They complain about women getting alimony and child support and that women should get a job, but what about those women who gave up their careers to stay home and raise children, clean house and take care of their husbands, for no pay and no pension? How often do men quit their jobs to do that? How many men take a paternity leave when expecting? I had to quit my job when I had children, which meant my career was at a standstill while my husband's career was in full swing. I was still at the same place while my husband moved forward in his career. Over time, I slowly became obsolete in my field and my husband shone in his.

 

Now, after two children and days of Play-Doh, diapers and Barney, I was no longer interesting or attractive to him and he started seeing other women. Never mind that I spent my days cleaning his house, washing his clothes, cooking his meals and sitting at home with his baby on my swollen breast while changing diapers on two babies. Never mind that I stayed in shape and worked out after each baby and still managed to have a flat stomach and a small waist after having two 10-lb. babies for him, or that I did everything he told me to do when he told me to do it.

 

It still wasn't enough to hold him and he left. He tried to come back and I wouldn't let him; hell, he threw me and the children out into the street and left us homeless for three months. I managed to make a home for us. Even though I was awarded child support and spousal support, I never received a dime, despite the fact I was legally entitled to it (fewer than 5% of mothers receive any money from the baby's father). Now I moved on and met other men who lied and said they wanted to get married, but turned out they only wanted to get laid.

 

I won't have sex until I am married and men don't see me as worth the trouble and dismiss me. If men would just stop playing games and see marriage for what it is, a beautiful union between two people in love, and not some kind of trap where a woman is trying to get rich. Not all women are trying to get money and yes, all men want sex. That is a fact.

 

SexyShannon. You sound like a lady with a real thinking head on her shoulders. I am sorry you had such a bad experiance. I'm almost moved to apologise for men in general reading your missive.

 

In my experiance men mature more slowly, and the attributes you are seeking come with age and the wisdom time often brings. While I am no longer in a position or situation where it would be reasonable to begin a relationship with a young woman, with young children (I'm 59) I would be happily suprised by a woman who didn't want sexual intimacy until she was secure in a strong relationship. I'm not sure I'm typical. I know a lot of 50+ year old men who are constantly "on the make". I much prefer building a friendship first.

 

I'm sure there is a man out there for you who has the experiance at a younger age. A man you can learn to trust, and love before becoming intimate. At least I want to believe that.

 

Luck to you !

[Dexter Morgan]

In my opinion, men play a lot of games.

 

Gee, thats funny, I have found too many women that play alot of games.

 

go figure

 

 

They lie and cheat

 

and women don't? I haven't much reason to trust any women really, but I'm not going to let it sour me on all women. Like men, there are good ones out there.

 

 

It's not until a woman decides she isn't going to take a man's BS and let him walk all over her that men decide to take the easy route and opt for foreign-born women

 

You say this as if all men do mail order brides or switch to only dating foreign women.....thats a ridiculous statement.

 

Is this what every man in your life did? Swear off American women after their R with you was over? I highly doubt it.

 

 

 

Men want to be able to have their cake and eat it too.

 

so do women.

 

 

They complain about women getting alimony and child support and that women should get a job, but what about those women who gave up their careers to stay home and raise children, clean house and take care of their husbands, for no pay and no pension?

 

My X was the one that wanted to quit her job and stay home. Why? Because she doesn't like work. Yes, I know, keeping a home clean and taking care of the kids is work....but she didn't clean...didn't fix dinner,...didn't do a whole lot.

 

I wanted her to keep working, but gave in to her wishes.

 

She started back to work when she realized I was getting suspicious and realized that she might be served with divorce papers.

 

 

How many men take a paternity leave when expecting?

 

I did, took 3 weeks off to help.

 

 

I had to quit my job when I had children

 

No, you didn't, but you chose to. And you still had a career...skills, and the ability to work. now if you quit your job and, since I don't know your story, found out your husband was cheating or something...you would have had a case for temporary alimony til you got back in the swing of things.

 

 

Now, after two children and days of Play-Doh, diapers and Barney, I was no longer interesting or attractive to him and he started seeing other women.

 

Then you deserved temporary alimony til you got back in the workforce. And even when you get back in the workforce, deserved it until you were well established.

 

 

 

Never mind that I spent my days cleaning his house, washing his clothes, cooking his meals and sitting at home with his baby on my swollen breast while changing diapers on two babies. Never mind that I stayed in shape and worked out after each baby and still managed to have a flat stomach and a small waist after having two 10-lb. babies for him, or that I did everything he told me to do when he told me to do it.

 

You were the complete opposite of my x-wife then.

 

 

 

I won't have sex until I am married and men don't see me as worth the trouble and dismiss me.

 

Then they are men not worth their salt. Although I feel it is important to make sure people are sexually compatible before marriage.

 

I won't have sex unless I feel comfortable that the person might be SO partner material.

 

 

 

If men would just stop playing games and see marriage for what it is, a beautiful union between two people in love, and not some kind of trap where a woman is trying to get rich. Not all women are trying to get money and yes, all men want sex. That is a fact.

 

So there are women out there that NEVER want sex eh? This would be a good argument to have sex before marriage. Wouldn't it suck to marry someone and find out the never want sex?

[vessv6l]

Im 27, about to leave my home friends and family to begin training to be a helicopter pilot in a completely different place. If i succeed and gain employment out if it, it will the single greatest achievement in my life thus far. But getting married to the woman i love and having children with her will eclipse anything else i might have accomplished. I want to get married and start a family absolutely. Not all men want to play the field or not commit or anything like that. Im by no means rare either.

[Darkrunner]

Even though I was awarded child support and spousal support, I never received a dime, despite the fact I was legally entitled to it (fewer than 5% of mothers receive any money from the baby's father).

 

I don't know which militant feminist website you pulled that gem of a fact from, but it's complete and utter bull****.

 

In my state of Michigan alone, men do not have a choice in the matter. If you do not pay, your paycheck is docked by the court. There is no choice in the matter.

[daydreamer8927]

fear of change and resposibility !

[Katiebear]

I have not read this thread all the way till last post, so excuse me if im droping this in middle of a conversation.

 

But ...

God bless this thread..

 

Me and my boyfriend have been going out for nearly 2 years. He has 4 teenagers, divorced for 10 years.

 

About 2 weeks ago, i had to lie about our status, for something silly. But when i told him about it, he completly fliped out. Told me he NEVER ever! wanted to get married again. He said marriage is for young people, wanting to have a life together, kids, a house, etc. that he was too old to start over with that "crap". That we were just "dating" etc.

 

I was left in Awe. I could not believe it. He tells me he loves me, all the time. For me, he is the love of my life... Im alot younger then he is. I for one, feel the need for security. Im not sure i want to invest my prime days with someone who isint serious about us, it makes me feel nervous; like he would leave me once im not young and such anymore. Then i would be left old, and alone.

 

I know these are MY insecurities, but they are there, and too thick to ignore. I love him, more then anything in the world. And him not wanting to marry me, makes me feel like he doesnt love me enough, or im not good enough. Ugh, all these feelings. Sigh.

 

God bless this thread for letting me see that im not the only one in this position. This whole thing is making me resentful towards him. All i want is for us to be stronger, and me wanting that is tearing us appart.

 

So on that note, i beg for anything out there that has been / is going through this, to please give me words of wisdom on how i can put this aside, and just be happy for now. I try, but it keeps gnawing back at me, its making me miserable. I think constantly on how i will leave him, or make him change his mind. But bottom line is, when i try to put my plan in action, i cannot leave him... i love him too much.

[Darkrunner]

I for one, feel the need for security. Im not sure i want to invest my prime days with someone who isint serious about us, it makes me feel nervous; like he would leave me once im not young and such anymore. Then i would be left old, and alone.

 

I don't know why you are equating marriage with security Katiebear. Marriage never stopped any man (or woman for that matter) from walking out of a marriage. If he wants to leave, do you think anything is going to stop him?

 

I wouldn't press the issue. If he wasn't committed, he wouldn't be wasting his time with you. I was in a relationship shortly out of highschool (I am 34 now) where she was pressuring me with "Well if you REALLY loved me, you would marry me!". After six months of that nonsense, I just up and left.

 

The sad thing was, I probably would still be with her if she hadn't pulled out that song and dance.

 

Anyways, good luck.

[Katiebear]

I don't know why you are equating marriage with security Katiebear. Marriage never stopped any man (or woman for that matter) from walking out of a marriage. If he wants to leave, do you think anything is going to stop him?

 

I wouldn't press the issue. If he wasn't committed, he wouldn't be wasting his time with you. I was in a relationship shortly out of highschool (I am 34 now) where she was pressuring me with "Well if you REALLY loved me, you would marry me!". After six months of that nonsense, I just up and left.

 

The sad thing was, I probably would still be with her if she hadn't pulled out that song and dance.

 

Anyways, good luck.

 

I can totally see how it would be a turn off : /

 

Im glad i can keep it to myself tho. We spoke twice about it, but i have never told him it keeps me up at night. But i see your point of view. I dont bug him with it. I just need to get over it, for myself.

[Trialbyfire]

Katiebear, you're a prime example about why people should discuss attitudes and life goals for the future. If you knew he was so anti-marriage, would you have invested so deeply? Common sense dictates that people find partners who want similar things in life. It also dictates that you can't change your partner, although you can ask for anything. If he chooses not to change, isn't it time to move on? While you may love him, do you cut your losses now, while you're young or do you wait, hope and build resentment, wasting time on someone who can't provide you what you need in a happy relationship.

 

Life's too short to waste on someone who isn't a good fit.

[stillafool]

I don't know why anyone would think that marriage provides security. We have to look for security in ourselves not others. Also I never understand when women say "I gave up my career to stay home and raise the kids for him." Well, didn't you want to stay home and raise the kids for the kid's sake? Afterall, most women I know wanted their kids even more than their husbands did so it isn't fair to complain about your lost career when you wanted the kids also. To me, it's like you are blaming the kids because you are not in the working world when in fact you can do both.

 

I don't agree that men don't want to get married. I see and hear (even here on LS) lots of men who say they want to find a nice girl and settle down. I hear a lot of women these days saying they don't want to marry and have children but want a powerful career. So I don't really know but I would say it's pretty even these days. I just think people should be truthful about what they want and don't want so as not to lead the other person on.

[Trialbyfire]

I don't know why anyone would think that marriage provides security. We have to look for security in ourselves not others.

Agreed.

Also I never understand when women say "I gave up my career to stay home and raise the kids for him." Well, didn't you want to stay home and raise the kids for the kid's sake? Afterall, most women I know wanted their kids

I can't stand that attitude of martyrdom. You didn't do it for anyone but your own personal wants, so shut up and enjoy it.

even more than their husbands did so it isn't fair to complain about your lost career when you wanted the kids also.

I disagree. There are more than enough men who pressure their spouses to have children, sooner than they want to.

To me, it's like you are blaming the kids because you are not in the working world when in fact you can do both.

I totally agree that a woman can do both but it takes help to do it, which includes support and cooperation from the husband.

 

That's just another reason why you find someone who has compatible life goals. If you want both career and family, but have a spouse who believes he's the King of the Castle where the little woman takes care of all his domestic whims and needs, you're going to kill yourself doing it.

 

I don't agree that men don't want to get married. I see and hear (even here on LS) lots of men who say they want to find a nice girl and settle down. I hear a lot of women these days saying they don't want to marry and have children but want a powerful career. So I don't really know but I would say it's pretty even these days. I just think people should be truthful about what they want and don't want so as not to lead the other person on.

Agreed that men want to get married and TOTALLY agree that people should be truthful about what they want!!

[You'reasian]

I

I don't agree that men don't want to get married. I see and hear (even here on LS) lots of men who say they want to find a nice girl and settle down. I hear a lot of women these days saying they don't want to marry and have children but want a powerful career. So I don't really know but I would say it's pretty even these days. I just think people should be truthful about what they want and don't want so as not to lead the other person on.

 

Agreed.

 

The mindset of dating is almost the exact opposite the mindset of long-term relationship - but any LTR starts with dating.

 

The dating environment is a "me" driven one. If you think about the other person too much in dating, you'll loose every time. Because of this mindset, there are so many games thrown into the mix - the chase, 3-day rule etc.

 

Relationships are the exact opposite.

 

This causes alot of confusion, but as long as this is understood and people can transition smoothly - the contradiction in behavior shouldn't be a problem.

[Katiebear]

I don't know why anyone would think that marriage provides security.

 

I feel it would provide security. Not security in the i'll never be alone again matter. More of a commitement thing. Marriage is a big deal. And if he would marry me, i would rest assured that he wants me for the long run, and not just for now. Im not interested in a fling.

 

No man on this earth would ever marry a woman he doesnt want to spend his life with; No man in his rightful mind anyways.

 

So for me, the security comes with the commitment.

Tada.

[Enema]

I've missed this thread, and haven't read the previous pages... so, my apologies if I've missed the off-topic train:

 

I got married to shut her parents up and to a lesser extent - her, though she never pressed for marriage.

 

I think marriage is pointless. You get nothing from it that you don't get from a committed relationship, but it costs you a lot.

 

I also think it's an unrealistic concept. I believe that people change over time and it's entirely possible that you'll change into people that don't suit each other and shouldn't be married anymore.

 

While I love my wife and hope to be with her forever - I think marriage is unnecessary, commercial, unrealistic and antiquated.

 

That's "why men don't want to get married". Well, this one anyway.

[carhill]

You get nothing from it that you don't get from a committed relationship, but it costs you a lot.

 

Well, if my mom had a boyfriend when she had her stroke, instead of being married, it would have been me in the ICU making decisions while she was comatose. If married, her husband (my dad is deceased) would have been making those decisions. One small example of the possibilities. Of course, there are legal documents to take care of such issues, and they can all be prepared, in advance, but that one document, a marriage certificate, covers so many areas with the stroke of one pen that the value of it must be acknowledged.

 

I'm saying that even dealing with a D. I can still see the value, both legally and as a symbol in society. Of course, we each assign that value individually. YMMV

[Enema]

Well, if my mom had a boyfriend when she had her stroke, instead of being married, it would have been me in the ICU making decisions while she was comatose. If married, her husband (my dad is deceased) would have been making those decisions. One small example of the possibilities. Of course, there are legal documents to take care of such issues, and they can all be prepared, in advance, but that one document, a marriage certificate, covers so many areas with the stroke of one pen that the value of it must be acknowledged.

 

I'm saying that even dealing with a D. I can still see the value, both legally and as a symbol in society. Of course, we each assign that value individually. YMMV

 

Highlighted is my point.

 

The costs (not just monetary) associated with marriage far outweigh the legal convenience that comes with it.

 

On a side note: Who makes those ER decisions if you have no children / parents / siblings?

[sally4sara]

I know its all fashionable and what not for men to protest marriage as a group, but I've never found this anti-marriage thing to hold true with men as individuals. My ex husband was the motivator of our marriage. I was young enough to find it novel. We had a ceremony. I ducked and dodged the signing of a license for over 4 years! I took the relationship and ceremony seriously despite my avoidance tactics. More so than he did that much is certain. His drinking and screw-ups wore me out and I gave him the final warning talk. I insisted we start using condoms. Magically, I ended up pregnant (and a week away from my second trimester by the time I found out) and signed that license after all! We made it another 3 years and some. After the split, he confessed to having purposely defected the condom supply with a needle. I did end up with a fabulous son. His dad paid about $300 total in child support last year and answers the phone about a 1/5 of the time when the boy calls him. So trust, NOT getting a proposal isn't the worst thing that could happen.

 

Two other fellas chased me off with the whole urge to marry after that.

 

I am getting married again soon after almost 9 years since my split. We've set a date. I am admittedly scared but only because of how bad my experience was with my ex husband. Still, it wasn't my prompting that bent my fiance's knee. I'm happy, but wouldn't care if we never actually sealed the deal. I've come to the conclusion that if a fella isn't all about marrying a girl, he probably isn't sure she's the one and she should take it as such. I could very well be wrong, just saying my experience indicates I'm not.

[carhill]

On a side note: Who makes those ER decisions if you have no children / parents / siblings?

 

I can answer this, as my mom had neurosurgery and was placed into a coma before I was even contacted. The hospital, if an emergency, decides, initially, and then, if the patient is deemed incompetent, a guardian is appointed to assist, at least where I reside. The hospital found my contact information from researching her past records during the admission process (which took place after the emergency surgery) there and contacted me. Not something I like remembering, especially the nurses voice. Yuk

 

As I untangle the legal bond, I'm sure I can come up with more examples. The health care one is just the most glaring for me. Death might be another. I haven't died yet so am unclear on that

[clv0116]

I know its all fashionable and what not for men to protest marriage as a group ....

 

Marriage as an honored social institution versus marriage the legal quagmire. The first is desirable and venerable, the second is a travesty.

[Darkrunner]

I know its all fashionable and what not for men to protest marriage as a group

 

 

It's not 'fashionable' as you put it. Men gain nothing and stand to lose a lot. There's a reason men avoid marriage...