Unhappy with family

[Nickmare]

I guess this will be a rant more then anything else.

 

I’m 26 years old and I've never been close to my family. I’m liberal in my views and all of them are conservative.

 

I have 3 half-brothers on my mom’s side, the youngest of which is 37. The oldest is 42. Those two both live in the city. I have the largest problem with the youngest one, and everything always seems focused on him when he is around. He is completely extroverted and deals with customers/sales all the time, as he owns an oil and gas company. He drives a Hummer. He left his wife who he has two kids with, and his new girlfriend is in advertising. He had been cheating on his wife for nearly a year with this girl before leaving his wife. And she seems so fake and over enthusiastic all the time. He is well off, and has bragged about how much he makes, while my mom is almost 60, working 12 or more hour days regularly, and not making much money. He doesn’t help her, and he likes to think he made it where he is in life because of his own doing, not because of anything else, so he doesn’t need to share it. Even though I resent my mom for a lot of things, half of everything I make after a normal persons wage would most likely go to my parents (but I unfortunately don’t make much…my parents still have to help me out on occasion which I always feel like crap about). My oldest brother actually works for the younger one now after being in prison for most of his life. My brother spent next to nothing on me for Christmas (money wise or thought wise…I got a cheap screwdriver set), while I dug deep in my pockets to get everyone what I thought were good gifts, and I make maybe 1/20th of what he does.

 

My parents raised me, but it feels like I raised myself. They seem to keep all their emotions inside and never talk about anything important. My dad never gave me advice on anything other then crap like not being gay when I grow up or he’ll kill me. They never prepared me for the harshness of the world, and I resented them a lot for many things (mostly for feeling ignored throughout my life and never being talked to). 3 years ago I stopped talking to my family for 6 months because I couldn’t deal with it anymore. I have a memory of when I was younger (around 14). I was very emotionally unbalanced and I was threatening to kill myself while my mom sat there reading her book and ignored me. I was screaming for attention but still never got any. I had some very bad influences and could very easily have been a criminal. Most of my friends from when I was younger are now in jail, rehab, etc.

 

I’m not included in anything, not that I would want to be. My dad plays golf with my two brothers in town (who aren’t even his sons), and my youngest brother and his girlfriend visit with my mom at work, etc, etc. They are fairly close, and I’m just the odd one out. My brothers never (literally) call me, and my dad calls me when he needs help with a computer problem. It is a two way street though, and I never call them either.

 

New Year’s Day dinner was filled with crude jokes from my brothers pretty much the entire night. Incest sex jokes mostly go figure…and well…they just aren’t funny or entertaining to me 99% of the time. On any type of issue talked about, my family pretty much comes to agreement while I disagree but keep my mouth shut. Every time I open it I just feel further alienated from my family. They still treat me like a kid, and will never respect my views. It is typical for me to not say much. They will usually talk with each other while I sit there and eat my food wishing for the night to end. When my brothers aren’t around my parents will of course talk to me some more, but the conversations never go anywhere. My family can only talk small talk, and not about anything with any weight to it. I like to have fun, but who am I suppose to go to when I need advice? I’m on the verge of a breakdown because of stress and work currently and I know there is no use to calling them. I’ll just hear “you gotta do what you gotta do”. I can feel my mom pull away from me if I ever talk about a problem (and I only do with them when I’m desperate). BTW, I’ve been diagnosed as bipolar a few years ago (and I’ve had problems with depression/bipolar for more then a decade). My parents have never done anything to help me with this, other then driving me to see psychologists when I was younger. If I was a parent, I would at least learn some more about what my son was diagnosed with so I could help him with it! I think depression, etc. to my family is not something you can really have – it is something people choose to have, or is a sign of weakness and not trying hard enough...

 

I apologized to my parents a few months ago for being such a terrible kid (they said it was okay, and that I had just gone through a phase). I’ve even personally forgiven them for how they were when I was younger (I know I should never expect an apology from them…they haven’t done anything wrong in their mind).

 

I’ve only seen my girlfriend’s family a few times and I feel closer to them already. But every time I talk about moving away from Calgary (the city where we live and I hate) my mom puts a guilt trip on me. How can she do that to me? My girlfriend’s family lives out east, and I’m contemplating moving out there with her. I want to feel what it is like to have a family that not only loves me, but also respects me.

 

I don’t like a lot of things about society, and whenever I’m around my family it is like all those things come together in one room. I can’t understand how they can be so naïve about some things, and just blindly follow the trends of society in Calgary. I feel like never talking to any of them again, because my words fall on deaf ears. I feel like telling them I love them, but I’m going away now. Maybe I’d phone them once a year to check in. Of course, they probably won’t let me get away with that.

 

So, how can I deal with a family who won’t let me go yet I already feel a million miles away from? A family who does not respect me, though claims to love me?

[Nickmare]

Oh...and should I continue to go to family functions even though they make me unhappy? Because it's family?

[bozwa]

I know that family is family, blood is thicker than water....blah blah blah...

 

However, you are an adult now. You aren't living under their roof or under there control anymore. Yet you are still feeling the stress and angst as if you are. Distance yourself, your whole self, from the situation. It is the only way you will be truly happy. I speak from experience. Take it from a "kid" who is stilled viewed (and treated) as a kid at the age of nearly 31.

 

Even though a part of you is "afraid" to do it, it is important to your emotional well-being and, yes, your health to put that distance between you. The sooner the better. Good luck to you.

 

(And make that move with your girlfriend. It sounds like a much-needed change. )

[Sw3etdev1L]

I believe, you have lots to say.

More than this....you don't feel directed.

Truth is life is more than what you are in right now..lets say you are in a dark place....you are not able to see the light that might be there for you out there... and inside of you because you are too focused in the negative side.

If you are healthy, and you are growing old well...and you are aware of what bothers you.. it is ok!.. no family is perfect, that's the way it was for you.. You have to make the best out of it even if it is hard for you!...open up, stop judging, they are not ever gonna change and if they have never made something bad to you literally, like hit you, or left you with hunger, gave you a roof and tried and give you schooling...you have a lot to be thankful for, not a lot of people have that in their lives.. I mean, people are not always bornt intelligent, and less knowing how to be intelligent parents which unite their family, and are open to their kids and stuff..

But you can have that.. You should set valuable goals for your self, without egoism. Letting go from those issues which blind you and start being proactive, that means...constructing your life, and the moments with your family and your life and your present, the way you want them to be....it's like a seed growing up an apple tree....you can choose if it's pears or apples.

Just.. open up, be free... stop thinking about them, they are not your life. They are just part of it. try to see the big picture. Life is amazing, you have so much in it, you can be able to do lots of things if you maintain your head leveled up, knowing that what is the most important thing in your life, is your health, you feeling good with your conscience and your heart. everything else, doesn't matter...try putting yourself a new picture of what you want and focus on it.

IF things hurt you, from your family, fix them up.

If you'd died today...this is harsh, what would you want to solve?

I mean... Do what you want, to please your soul, your heart, your brain, your body.

Try to make the best out of your life. Don't get stuck in complaining, that is not gonna take you anywhere...Oh, and attention is not needed. People are very focused in their lives sometimes, you have to focus in yours. Don't take things that personally, you seem sensitive.

People aren't perfect. you are not perfect either.

learn how to accept people. with their mistakes, and setting yourself apart from the crowd..do what is good for you... open up for the good work, and prosperity and you'll accomplish everything you want. Stop feeling victimized that's just clouding your panorama, and draining your positive thinking. stop doing that. you only live. ONCE.

[wickenhunter]

Nah i don't think you should go to family functions if you don't enjoy them. they'll just make you depressed. i have some people in my family that i never see, because i cant stand them.

[Sw3etdev1L]

If they are mean to you, don't care for you, are bad people, wanna make you feel bad...if theeey are negative people for you.. do stay away.

It's better that way.