have a boyfriend but crushing on another

[hotdancer2009]

I had closure with the ex. He said that he doesn't know if I am capable of love. Ouch. I think he might be right.

 

So, Geish, is that being able to look in the mirror happily also a maturity thing? I've spoken with people in their 40s and 50s and they say that they accept themselves a lot more than they did when they were younger. Also, can I learn to love or am I doomed to be an evil child of satan forever? (I've never been able to keep a friend or relationship for very long. My longest friendship ended after 10 years because I whined to her about my guy problems too much.)

 

In the meantime, I think it is ok to casually date guys, as long as I warn them properly. How about if I say, "I enjoy your company but please be warned that I am not interested in getting very physically or emotionally involved anytime in the near future. If you are looking for someone to hang out with and flirt with, then I'm your woman." Mr. Crush asked me out on a second date, and I really would like to go. I think he can help me grow as a person, and he must enjoy my company. If I warn him, it is ok, right? I'll be giving him an out. That is a fair alternative to quitting cold turkey, right?

 

The religion thing is just a religion that I was raised as, and have been away from for a while, and would like to get more involved in. I'm hoping Mr. Crush can help me with that. I don't want to be too specific on these forums because religion can be a sensitive subject.

[Phateless]

I think swearing off relationships/dating for a year isn't a bad idea. It takes some time to clear your head and develop your sense of self. Once you have a clearer idea of who you are and what you want, it's easier to know in advance if a relationship will work out or not.

[serial muse]

The religion thing is just a religion that I was raised as, and have been away from for a while, and would like to get more involved in. I'm hoping Mr. Crush can help me with that.

 

I guess this seems kind of indicative of the way you seem to view relationships right now...what I mean is, why can't you get more involved in your religion without the help of Mr. Crush or anyone else? Why do you need him to help you do that?? It's puzzling.

 

It sounds like he's more like Mr. Crutch than Mr. Crush. I'm not trying to be mean, but I don't see how dating him will help you grow as a person - it staves off loneliness, I can see that, but it won't make a difference to your personal growth. It's a harsh thing to say to someone that "you don't know how to love," and that must have hurt. But making allowances for his state of mind, your exBF may have been onto something, in that it seems that you view love and relationships in a very codependent way. And yes, that will drive away people who aren't equally codependent after a time. It seems like you need to figure out how to have a sense of self-worth that isn't defined through others' eyes. Until you can, I'm afraid you will keep using them and then putting them aside whenever the ego supply becomes not enough anymore. And at some point it will always become not enough.

 

It's good to give people a warning, but ultimately, I don't see how dating him will be good for you, let alone him.

[hotdancer2009]

So how do I improve my sense of self worth?

 

And, if I decide to take a break, does that mean I can't have friends for a year either? After all, I use friends for an ego boost in the same way I use guys.

[serial muse]

So how do I improve my sense of self worth?

 

And, if I decide to take a break, does that mean I can't have friends for a year either? After all, I use friends for an ego boost in the same way I use guys.

 

well, you could try not using them that way...you didn't give a lot of detail, but what exactly happened when you said your friendship ended because you whined about guy problems too much? was it that she felt she wasn't getting equal time to talk about her issues? or that it became the central theme of your friendship and somehow you always ended up talking about it? either of those could be something you could practice being more mindful about.

 

i can't tell if you're being sarcastic about not having friends for a year...certainly i'm not suggesting that! but without knowing more about your relationships with friends - you did say in an earlier email that you don't feel like you have any at the moment?? - perhaps you can spend the emotional energy you would normally spend on dating on getting to know friends better.

[Dexter Morgan]

And, if I decide to take a break, does that mean I can't have friends for a year either? After all, I use friends for an ego boost in the same way I use guys.

 

Then you have no friends. And if you do, it would be nice if they knew they were being used and you really see no other value in them as "friends"

[Phateless]

Then you have no friends. And if you do, it would be nice if they knew they were being used and you really see no other value in them as "friends"

 

 

way to jump down her throat. She means that her friends make her feel good about herself. jeez...

[Phateless]

HotDancer - self worth comes from feeling independent and good about yourself. Like you are fine by yourself, but having someone makes things better. Taking some time to develop yourself and pursue your own interests might not be a bad idea, but don't take our word for it. Try it as an experiment and see what YOU think.

 

I really enjoyed my year and a half of being single. I went to the gym a lot, got into swing and salsa dancing, rode my motorcycle and mtn bike, and made a whole bunch of new friends. It really made me a much stronger person overall and I don't find myself nearly as weak in relationships as I used to be.

 

I even went back to school while being single. That was huge.

[Dexter Morgan]

 

way to jump down her throat. She means that her friends make her feel good about herself. jeez...

 

Well considering she didn't mind keeping her bf as someone on the backburner while she went out to keep her options open, why would it surprise you that an ego boost is all she uses friends for? Considering her character it is a possibility.

 

If it wasn't for her attitude towards her bf and looking for other "options", it wasn't totally unreasonable to expect she had a lousy attitude towards her friends as well.

[hotdancer2009]

"HotDancer - self worth comes from feeling independent and good about yourself. Like you are fine by yourself, but having someone makes things better. Taking some time to develop yourself and pursue your own interests might not be a bad idea, but don't take our word for it. Try it as an experiment and see what YOU think."

 

Yeah, "pursuing interests" is nice, if you have money. In the last three years I have been laid off six times from low paying jobs. I moved every time to a new city, including cities in four different states. I am passionate about dance, but I haven't been able to take a dance class in five years. I've been unemployed for the last three months, but I couldn't afford to do anything except go for walks in the snow. I haven't even been able to afford health care even though I have a chronic condition that causes me pain. I also can't afford grief counseling, even though I have been crying nonstop since I broke up with my boyfriend. I'm now about to go to grad school in a desperate attempt to get and keep a job. I'm about to cut my already-low lifestyle in half and take out $200K in loans. How can I possibly be "fine with myself" under such horrid circumstances? How can a homeless person be "fine with themself"? I think being "fine with yourself" is a luxury that rich people get to have.

[MindoverMatter]

200k? Why do you need to take out so much.

 

I am sorry that your situation is so bad. But don't give up. There are lots of activities that you can do for free. Libraries don't cost you a thing and you can go there a lot if you're interested in literature or movies. Check out the Message Board there, if they have any clubs or anything. Many do.

 

Also, check your local paper. Yoga clubs, meditation circles etc meet outside during the warmer seasons, and you can usually join them for free or very little money (clubs, not courses).

 

Etc

[Phateless]

check out swingtalk.com and salsacrazy.com

 

you may find some local dance venues that are cheaper or free. if you're that experienced with dance, perhaps you could be an assistant instructor in return for free admission?

 

sorry to hear about your circumstances, it doesn't sound fun. hang in there, keep looking for jobs, investigate financial aid, search the internet for scholarships...

 

there is always a way.

[D-Jam]

I'm not even going to read the 6 pages.

 

All I can say is that if you feel that one man or one woman isn't enough for you, if you like "shopping around" then don't lead people on by getting into RLs.

 

Nothing wrong with being commitment-phobic in my book, provided you're HONEST with people EARLY ON about it. The "bad thing" is when you neglect to tell someone this until months later when they've made an emotional investment in you.

[hotdancer2009]

Dear Ex BF,

 

I was one day too late to realize that I had made a big mistake. I was panicked and acted out of fear, not reason. Since then, every day the weight of your absence and of my mistake weighs more and more on me. The tears have turned to a hard lump in my chest. It has become unbearable. You probably think that I have moved on, but I have not. I told Mr. Crush that I do not want to see him a second time. I only want you. I tell myself that you will forgive me and come back to me. I pretend that you are on a long vacation. I am waiting. I remain loyal. I have postdated it in my calendar to contact you every few months, to see if your anger toward me has changed. Those dates in my calendar are all that I look forward to. I have never been happier than when I was with you. In your absence, all my doubts and fears about you and us dissolve completely and I am left with the painful truth: what we had was beautiful.

 

I do not expect you to be ready to reconsider now. Nor am I ready; I am trying to get back into the swing of school and work and am trying to repair the relationship with my father. But I will be patient. I believe that we have a future together.

 

Love,

 

Hotdancer

[Phateless]

You're just panicked because you're lonely and miss him now. You already made the decision. You should stand by it.

 

You were used to the idea that he would always wait around for you and now that you realize he won't, you're scared to lose him. Sounds like you never appreciated him while you had him and that's partially his fault for not having a backbone in the first place.

 

If you get back with him you'll be right back where you started. Feeling claustrophobic and wanting to date around, just as soon as you feel like you have him again.

[Dexter Morgan]

Dear Ex BF,

 

I was one day too late to realize that I had made a big mistake. I was panicked and acted out of fear, not reason. Since then, every day the weight of your absence and of my mistake weighs more and more on me. The tears have turned to a hard lump in my chest. It has become unbearable. You probably think that I have moved on, but I have not. I told Mr. Crush that I do not want to see him a second time. I only want you. I tell myself that you will forgive me and come back to me. I pretend that you are on a long vacation. I am waiting. I remain loyal. I have postdated it in my calendar to contact you every few months, to see if your anger toward me has changed. Those dates in my calendar are all that I look forward to. I have never been happier than when I was with you. In your absence, all my doubts and fears about you and us dissolve completely and I am left with the painful truth: what we had was beautiful.

 

I do not expect you to be ready to reconsider now. Nor am I ready; I am trying to get back into the swing of school and work and am trying to repair the relationship with my father. But I will be patient. I believe that we have a future together.

 

Love,

 

Hotdancer

 

For his benefit? Don't think so. Why don't you just leave him alone?

[MindoverMatter]

Dear Ex BF,

 

I was one day too late to realize that I had made a big mistake. I was panicked and acted out of fear, not reason.

Where did the fear come from?

 

Since then, every day the weight of your absence and of my mistake weighs more and more on me. The tears have turned to a hard lump in my chest. It has become unbearable.

It's been 3 days. Don't get overly dramatic. 3 days, you haven't walked through a desert or something.

You probably think that I have moved on, but I have not.

Again. 3 days...

I only want you. I tell myself that you will forgive me and come back to me. I pretend that you are on a long vacation. I am waiting. I remain loyal.

You remain loyal? Nope. You had a date with a guy after dumping him and saw that he wasn't a prince either. That's not noble, nor loyal. Don't kid yourself. Within these 3 days, you've had a date that wasn't so great. So you didn't go about others guys for 2 days. See something? Doesn't sound impressive.

I have postdated it in my calendar to contact you every few months, to see if your anger toward me has changed. Those dates in my calendar are all that I look forward to.

There is somebody in the coping section, fox, who has an ex that sometimes tried to crawl back into his life. You might want to read up on that.

 

I have never been happier than when I was with you. In your absence, all my doubts and fears about you and us dissolve completely and I am left with the painful truth: what we had was beautiful.

= Being with you didn't give m the kicks anymore, but being alone doesn't either.

I do not expect you to be ready to reconsider now.

How noble.

----

 

 

Seriously. This letter should never be sent. For a couple of reasons.

 

1. He deserves peace. Let him alone.

2. It's, again, all about you, you and your feelings. Not about him.

3. It sounds very melodramatic considering the fact that you just spent 3 days without him.

4. You offer no insight nor apology about why you did what you did. You simply assume that he will take you back as you are now. That should not be good enough.

 

 

I hope you will let this guy walk away from you. And get your life together. Be a happy, independent woman. Not this.

[Dexter Morgan]

1. He deserves peace. Let him alone.

 

well said

 

 

2. It's, again, all about you, you and your feelings. Not about him.

 

Again, very well said. She wanted to play the field, keep him on the backburner, play him for a fool, and keep her options open. she lost, and now is trying to weasel her way back in his life.

[hotdancer2009]

"You're just panicked because you're lonely and miss him now. You already made the decision. You should stand by it."

I made the decision in a very rushed manner. It was a mistake. I acted impulsively, out of fear. I was afraid of the future...of how the religion difference/age difference would affect our relationship down the road, even though those things were not issues in the present. We were on a break and I had been crying every day for a week. I called him and said, "I can't take the suspense anymore." I was simply stating how I felt. I was not trying to break up. He said, "I guess we should break up then." I was confused and remembered how everyone on LS said we should break up, so I went along with it. I should have run into his arms and said, "I only want you."

 

You were used to the idea that he would always wait around for you and now that you realize he won't, you're scared to lose him. Sounds like you never appreciated him while you had him and that's partially his fault for not having a backbone in the first place.

I DID appreciate him while I had him! I was thankful every day. I felt him slipping away over the last few months and tried to do everything I could to show him how much I loved him. He even said to me, "You do realize that you are not on trial." I was scared to lose him before I did, and then my fears played out in reality.

 

If you get back with him you'll be right back where you started. Feeling claustrophobic and wanting to date around, just as soon as you feel like you have him again.

That is simply not true. I only had the impulse to date other guys twice in the entire year and a half we were together. In both instances, I literally just wanted temporary attention: one date to coffee, that is it. In both cases, once I had a couple hours of attention from the guy, I felt satisfied. I wanted to see if this was normal, and when I posted on LS, everyone said, "That's cheating!" I started to feel horrible about myself. Like I was a slut. I started to obsess about Mr. Crush.

 

24 hours after we broke up, I realized that it was a terrible mistake. I would never make that mistake twice. If I saw another guy who was hot, I would think, "he is not worth losing my present love." Nobody on LS bothered to give me that side of the story. Everyone was jumping down my throat for me to break up because I was "cheating". What I really wanted was not to date around. I wanted attention. I could have gotten that attention from my ex had I given him a chance.

 

I WILL NEVER FORGIVE MYSELF for my mistake. I WILL TRY TO GET MY EX BACK!!!

[Trimmer]

I do not expect you to be ready to reconsider now. Nor am I ready; I am trying to get back into the swing of school and work and am trying to repair the relationship with my father.

 

What's that about? You've talked about having no friends or family. What's the deal with your family?

 

I'm concerned that you have some issues that need healing, and some deficits that you are desperately scrambling to fill through relationships with others, instead of finishing the work of becoming a whole, fully realized individual yourself. This is why you see "being loved" as an essential component of life, the absence of external validation through a relationship virtually unsurvivable, and the concept of being alone completely foreign.

 

You enter a relationship to enhance the life of the whole person you already are as an individual, not to heal yourself, or fill the holes in your soul.

[39388]

I WILL NEVER FORGIVE MYSELF for my mistake. I WILL TRY TO GET MY EX BACK!!!

You deserve to forgive yourself, no matter what anyone else says. Especially since you know you messed up. If you do get him back, great. It might not be your choice though and if not you will have to forgive yourself. The healing process for any kind of loss takes time. There have been losses in my life which were unbearable for days and days, which now I rarely think about anymore. Remember, you have shown you have what it takes to get a boyfriend. If you can do it once, you can do it again and you never know if there is somebody even better out there. I know it seems so far fetched now, but I've seen it happen with my siblings. A painful breakup followed by finding someone even better.

[Els]

Oh, hotdancer. What they said was true, it WAS cheating. But many of the people here are this harsh on any form of cheating, no matter how tiny, because they were cheated on before, and it hurt them badly. However, many here are also afraid to admit to their own flaws while passing judgement.

 

I don't think you're a slut. I think many people have cheated before, especially the way you did it, just for a 'coffee or two'. I myself have, once. However, mine was because the relationship wasn't giving me enough, and my mistake wasn't to give in and go for the other guy... it was to not end it before doing so.

 

What I'm trying to say is, it happens. I wish you the best of luck, whatever happens, and if you're truly set in your decision I hope you do get back together with him and make it work properly this time, no messing around. But I also hope you'll know how and when to pick up the pieces and move on with your life if you have to.

[hotdancer2009]

Well said, all of you. Very well said. Good things to think about. Thank you for your help!! I've started a new thread in friendship, because at this point in my life I want to take a break from dating and focus on making and keeping friendships. If you're interested, take a look. This thread was getting waaaaay to long anyways!

[Dexter Morgan]

"You're just panicked because you're lonely and miss him now. You already made the decision. You should stand by it."

I made the decision in a very rushed manner. It was a mistake. I acted impulsively, out of fear.

 

Well thats just too bad. He is now trying to move on and you would be undermining him for your own selfish end result. Its all about you, always has been.

 

Just do him a favor, learn from your "mistake" and move on. Leave him be. Vow to not make that "mistake" with someone else in the future.

 

 

 

You were used to the idea that he would always wait around for you and now that you realize he won't, you're scared to lose him. Sounds like you never appreciated him while you had him and that's partially his fault for not having a backbone in the first place.

I DID appreciate him while I had him! I was thankful every day.

 

sorry, but bulls##t. if you appreciated him, you wouldn't have made him the backburner guy while keeping your options open with other men.

 

 

 

If you get back with him you'll be right back where you started. Feeling claustrophobic and wanting to date around, just as soon as you feel like you have him again.

That is simply not true. I only had the impulse to date other guys twice in the entire year and a half we were together. In both instances, I literally just wanted temporary attention: one date to coffee, that is it.

 

 

And you will want that attention again. Your type doesn't automatically lose the desire for attention. And the "one date to coffee, that is it" doesn't diminish your idea of keeping your options open. You yourself said you were keeping them open. Sorry, your x-bf doesn't deserve that and shouldn't be expected to put up with it.

 

 

In both cases, once I had a couple hours of attention from the guy, I felt satisfied. I wanted to see if this was normal, and when I posted on LS, everyone said, "That's cheating!" I started to feel horrible about myself. Like I was a slut. I started to obsess about Mr. Crush.

 

You obsessed about Mr. Crush BEFORE you got any responses from anyone in here. So you felt satisfied once you got your attention fix. Its just like a drug addict. you'll be fine for a while, but then you'll be looking for another fix. The problem with this type of person that needs some attention fix is it only gets worse as you get older. You will feel the need to see if you are still desirable when you are no longer "young".

 

 

24 hours after we broke up, I realized that it was a terrible mistake. I would never make that mistake twice. If I saw another guy who was hot, I would think, "he is not worth losing my present love." Nobody on LS bothered to give me that side of the story. Everyone was jumping down my throat for me to break up because I was "cheating". What I really wanted was not to date around.

 

Oh puleease. You say this now that you didn't get the desired responses.

 

 

I WILL NEVER FORGIVE MYSELF for my mistake. I WILL TRY TO GET MY EX BACK!!!

 

Then its easy to see why you wanted to keep your options open in the first place. You are selfish. As if what you did to him wasn't selfish enough, you will do your damndest to pry your way back into his life. If he wants to move on and is pretty sure he doesn't want someone like you, then you shoving yourself back at him til you get what YOU want is undermining his healing process or the desire to move on.

 

if he wants you, as deranged as he might be, then that his choice.

 

But if he doesn't, then you keeping at him is selfish as hell.

 

I didn't expect you to do right by him and with that last sentence you proved it.

[hotdancer2009]

"You deserve to forgive yourself, no matter what anyone else says. Especially since you know you messed up. If you do get him back, great. It might not be your choice though and if not you will have to forgive yourself. The healing process for any kind of loss takes time. There have been losses in my life which were unbearable for days and days, which now I rarely think about anymore. Remember, you have shown you have what it takes to get a boyfriend. If you can do it once, you can do it again and you never know if there is somebody even better out there. I know it seems so far fetched now, but I've seen it happen with my siblings. A painful breakup followed by finding someone even better."

 

Thanks for the encouragement, but I think I'm a hopeless case. What I did was no small mistake. I could not have been crueller or hurt my ex bf more. I cry every day because I feel so guilty. He loved me so much and wanted to marry me and I wrenched a knife through his heart. We had a beautiful relationship and made each other happy and I threw it all away. Not only that, but I don't think I am capable of caring about others. I think I am a selfish #$% and always will be. This is why I have never had friends. I only had my ex bf because he was a doormat. I'll never have friends, or a boyfriend, or a husband or children. I deserve to burn in &*** and will continue to punish myself every day and make sure that I suffer more than my ex bf does. My favorite fantasy is knocking on his door and then committing suicide in front of him. He should have the satisfaction of seeing me die.