have a boyfriend but crushing on another

[39388]

Thanks for the encouragement, but I think I'm a hopeless case. What I did was no small mistake. I could not have been crueller or hurt my ex bf more. I cry every day because I feel so guilty. He loved me so much and wanted to marry me and I wrenched a knife through his heart. We had a beautiful relationship and made each other happy and I threw it all away. Not only that, but I don't think I am capable of caring about others. I think I am a selfish #$% and always will be. This is why I have never had friends. I only had my ex bf because he was a doormat. I'll never have friends, or a boyfriend, or a husband or children. I deserve to burn in &*** and will continue to punish myself every day and make sure that I suffer more than my ex bf does. My favorite fantasy is knocking on his door and then committing suicide in front of him. He should have the satisfaction of seeing me die.

You are NOT hopeless. Ignore everyone that says you are. Tough things happen in life and take time to get over. Maybe weeks or maybe months or years in some cases. It is always hard to tell how long.

 

You are young and what is important in life is to learn from mistakes. Sometimes you learn the hard way. You have got to open yourself up to the possibily that things will be much much better. You are a friendly person and you should do some things you like that are for you! I know you will make friends. Probably a lot of friends. Just let yourself.

 

Eventually you will find someone and don't be surprised if it is someone even better.

 

The hard part is that it will take time. You want to get some help and get those very negative thoughts out of your mind! You have punished yourself enough for the mistake you made.

[39388]

Some people seem to enjoy kicking someone when they are down. That is the most disgusting thing in the world. People have done it to me and now I see it going on here. The OP is hurting a lot and needs encouragement.

[Phateless]

You're making progress hotdancer, you're seeing things from a whole new perspective and that's good. If you can learn to be self-sufficient on your own, then you can be someone who gives in a relationship, not just takes.

 

Stay in a positive routine and try to talk to him in a couple weeks and see what happens. Tell him you have done a lot of introspection and see a lot of things from a whole new perspective. Tell him you see his perspective, and explain it to him. That should score you some points.

[hotdancer2009]

Thanks Phateless! Always nice to hear from anther native Californian . That's a good idea... I will try that...on Valentine's Day!!! Should I add a Rolex watch too? J/K

[MN randomguy]

So how do I improve my sense of self worth?

 

And, if I decide to take a break, does that mean I can't have friends for a year either? After all, I use friends for an ego boost in the same way I use guys.

 

No, having friends is a little different. Your friends will have other friends simultaneously and different friends through their life. You then will have a support network and may hopefully learn not to get all of your self-worth and attention in a romantic context from guys.

 

I had closure with the ex. He said that he doesn't know if I am capable of love. Ouch. I think he might be right.

 

 

In the meantime, I think it is ok to casually date guys, as long as I warn them properly. How about if I say, "I enjoy your company but please be warned that I am not interested in getting very physically or emotionally involved anytime in the near future.

 

Sorry, terrible idea. They'll think you don't mean it. But, then get hurt if you do. Again, reeks of codependency. You don't have to pay for a shrink. You can sit in a Barnes and Nobles, or a library and research your problems. Or, as unqualified people on the internet:cool:

 

The religion thing is just a religion that I was raised as, and have been away from for a while, and would like to get more involved in. I'm hoping Mr. Crush can help me with that. I don't want to be too specific on these forums because religion can be a sensitive subject.

 

This mysterious religion.

 

1. Why do you care if someone is offended if you're a certain religion? That's their problem if they can't accept you. Don't be so seeking of approval of others. This is America. You have the right to whatever religion you want.

 

2. I agree that you don't need a guy to explore this church/mosque/temple/house of worship of the mysterious religion. Is this your religion or your parent's religion, etc.

 

If you get involved, tell your clergy what you've told us they may be a great help to you. Get you a mentor, etc.?

[Dexter Morgan]

Thanks for the encouragement, but I think I'm a hopeless case. What I did was no small mistake. I could not have been crueller or hurt my ex bf more. I cry every day because I feel so guilty. He loved me so much and wanted to marry me and I wrenched a knife through his heart. We had a beautiful relationship and made each other happy and I threw it all away. Not only that, but I don't think I am capable of caring about others. I think I am a selfish #$% and always will be. This is why I have never had friends. I only had my ex bf because he was a doormat. I'll never have friends, or a boyfriend, or a husband or children. I deserve to burn in &*** and will continue to punish myself every day and make sure that I suffer more than my ex bf does. My favorite fantasy is knocking on his door and then committing suicide in front of him. He should have the satisfaction of seeing me die.

 

 

Ok, stop, just stop it already.

 

Here is the bottom line. You want to learn from your "mistake", understandable. But you learn it with someone new and leave your xBF alone. Becauase trying to force yourself back into his life if he is trying to heal and move on is for your own agenda.

 

Learn, move on, and apply this to future relationships. leave your X alone.

[Phateless]

Thanks Phateless! Always nice to hear from anther native Californian . That's a good idea... I will try that...on Valentine's Day!!! Should I add a Rolex watch too? J/K

 

You're in cali too? Nice, where at?

 

Yeah Valentine's day sounds like a good opportunity. In the meantime, try to move on and make yourself strong and independent. If he feels like you're offering something TO him instead of wanting something FROM him, it will be a lot harder to say no.

 

Gifts aren't important so much as meaningful gestures. If you can combine the two, even better.

[hotdancer2009]

Dear Ex BF,

 

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately and I would like the opportunity to share my new perspective with you. I do not expect anything in return. I sincerely apologize for hurting you. The good news is that feeling immense pain and guilt helped me come to an important realization. I realize that I have two bad habits: 1) acting selfishly and 2) not taking responsibility for my life. I am taking steps to improve on both. I resolve to give at least as much as I take with each and every person I encounter from now on, and to take care of myself instead of relying on other people to do the work for me. It is going to be a lifelong effort, but some of the steps that I have taken already are: trying to repair my relationship with my father, phrasing things in the positive, securing loans (I am now completely financially independent), working toward XXX, offering to volunteer at the self defense clinic that changed my life, and vowing to take at least one dance class per week. I am also planning to look into if my health insurance will cover physical therapy for my shoulder injury, counseling, and medical care for my hormonal problem.

 

I think that there were a number of factors that caused me to "completely freak out" and push you (and everyone else on the planet) away. First of all, there is my hormonal problem which causes severe mood swings and depression. I am not using that as an excuse, but things would have been a bit calmer if it happened at another time of the month. Second, I was feeling very overwhelmed with all of the major changes going on in my life: going back to school after four years, changing careers, starting a new job, possibly moving in together, etc. I was still feeling the sting of being laid off. I was especially concerned about my financial situation, but luckily I got the loans so now I get to relax a little on that front. Finally, I was having a typical "committment freak out" about our relationship. I realized how serious we were getting, and it scared me a lot. Especially the moving in together idea. So all things combined, I was not thinking very rationally. Please dismiss any other factors as excuses, because that is all that they were. I have not been, and am not interested in, dating other men. That's the last thing I need right now.

 

I care about you a lot, I miss you and I was always happy with you. That never changed. At the moment, I am not sure whether I want to be in a relationship or what kind of relationship I want. On one hand, I am enjoying having some badly needed time to focus on myself and, on the other hand, I would enjoy some company. Once I get settled in with my school routine, I'll probably have a better idea. I know that if I were to enter into a relationship, I would approach it very differently. I would ask myself what I can give instead of what I can take. As I said, I do not expect anything from you. If you would like to respond, feel free. If not, I will be able to move on, taking with me the immense knowledge that I gained from both our relationship and our breakup. I am grateful to you for all the love you gave me, all the memories we have, and for all the lessons that I have learned.

 

I hope that clarifies things.

 

Hotdancer

[MindoverMatter]

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately and I would like the opportunity to share my new perspective with you. I do not expect anything in return. I sincerely apologize for hurting you. The good news is that feeling immense pain and guilt helped me come to an important realization.

1. Your apology should come first, before everything else.

2. Leave the "immense pain and guilt" out. Say that it was painful for you too, but don't try to ride the sympathy-train.

3. You say one apology, in half a sentence and then go straight back to your own little self. Would recommend you elaborate on the apology.

 

I realize that I have two bad habits: 1) acting selfishly and 2) not taking responsibility for my life. I am taking steps to improve on both. I resolve to give at least as much as I take with each and every person I encounter from now on, and to take care of myself instead of relying on other people to do the work for me.

Okay so far.

 

It is going to be a lifelong effort, but some of the steps that I have taken already are: trying to repair my relationship with my father, phrasing things in the positive, securing loans (I am now completely financially independent), working toward XXX, offering to volunteer at the self defense clinic that changed my life, and vowing to take at least one dance class per week.

Giving a list is a bit odd in my opinion, maybe focus on one or two of those things. But that's a question of personal taste.

I am also planning to look into if my health insurance will cover physical therapy for my shoulder injury, counseling, and medical care for my hormonal problem.

Would leave that out. It's the sympathy train yet again.

 

I think that there were a number of factors that caused me to "completely freak out" and push you (and everyone else on the planet) away.

The brackets are horrible. Leave that out. You're making him be one of the billions of people on the planet. But I'd suggest you strongle rethink this paragraph anyway.

 

First of all, there is my hormonal problem which causes severe mood swings and depression. I am not using that as an excuse, but things would have been a bit calmer if it happened at another time of the month.

You are so using this as an excuse.

 

Second, I was feeling very overwhelmed with all of the major changes going on in my life: going back to school after four years, changing careers, starting a new job, possibly moving in together, etc.

Okay so far.

 

I was still feeling the sting of being laid off. I was especially concerned about my financial situation, but luckily I got the loans so now I get to relax a little on that front.

 

Finally, I was having a typical "committment freak out" about our relationship. I realized how serious we were getting, and it scared me a lot. Especially the moving in together idea. So all things combined, I was not thinking very rationally.

Okay so far, I guess.

 

[Please dismiss any other factors as excuses, because that is all that they were. I have not been, and am not interested in, dating other men. That's the last thing I need right now.

Lie. Leave out at all cost. Accept that you were in fact interesting in dating other men, at least for the attention fix. By not accepting it, you're taking every bit of earnest sentiment out of this letter.

 

 

I care about you a lot, I miss you and I was always happy with you. That never changed.

Good.

 

At the moment, I am not sure whether I want to be in a relationship or what kind of relationship I want. On one hand, I am enjoying having some badly needed time to focus on myself and, on the other hand, I would enjoy some company.

Translates into "And you know what? I figured, you'd be more than happy to be some company to me. I say jump, you ask how high, got it?"

 

Once I get settled in with my school routine, I'll probably have a better idea. I know that if I were to enter into a relationship, I would approach it very differently. I would ask myself what I can give instead of what I can take.

In that case, maybe tell him what you can give him now.

 

As I said, I do not expect anything from you. If you would like to respond, feel free. If not, I will be able to move on, taking with me the immense knowledge that I gained from both our relationship and our breakup. I am grateful to you for all the love you gave me, all the memories we have, and for all the lessons that I have learned.

Good finish. However. You haven't asked him a single thing about his life. It is a big letter about you (which is actually quite okay after a break-up) but it's very, very little about him, or about you two as a couple. Rethink.

 

I hope that clarifies things.

I don't know about him, but to me this letter didn't offer any new insights. However, you probably gave more information here than you offered to him.

 

It is hard to say how he will react to this, we don't know him. I would be a bit disappointed, and wouldn't be inclined to come crawling back. But it also wouldn't aggravate me further. Tough call.

 

P.S. Congratulations on the positive changes in your life. You'll see it will be worth it in the long run.

[filipinafriends]

Wrong is always wrong, dont give wrong an justification

[39388]

dexter mogan and filipinafriends, rip me to shreds as much as you want but what the OP is remorseful for what she did. You are very judgemental for attacking her like you did. Come attack me, I deserve it for some of what I've done the last 3 weeks.

[Dexter Morgan]

dexter mogan and filipinafriends, rip me to shreds as much as you want but what the OP is remorseful for what she did. You are very judgemental for attacking her like you did. Come attack me, I deserve it for some of what I've done the last 3 weeks.

 

Not going to attack you at all.

 

bottom line, if her xBF is trying to move on, then her trying to squirm her way back into his life is undermining his healing and she is doing this for her own selfish reasons.

 

She can be remorseful all she wants, and she can learn her lesson. But she can apply that to future relationships and leave this guy alone.

 

If he makes it clear he doesn't want a relationship with her and she keeps needling him out of her own selfishness, then it just shows why she ended up in the situation of keepnig her options open in the first place. its all about her.

[Phateless]

Wrong is always wrong, dont give wrong an justification

 

Very true. Be careful to avoid anything that can be interpreted as "I'm sorry, BUT" or "I'm sorry and it's actually not my fault because..."

 

Anything that resembles that will most likely piss off the person you are trying to apologize to. Catching yourself with phrases like that is a major step towards owning responsibility for your actions.

 

I'm proud of you, you're showing tremendous personal growth, and I think that no matter what happens with ex-bf, you will be a better, happier person in the long run because of all of this.

[hotdancer2009]

I had a good second date with Mr. Crush. I am still NC with the ex. Feeling pretty good.

[salmagundi]

...personally I think you're extravagantly, tragically screwed up...

[MindoverMatter]

I told Mr. Crush that I do not want to see him a second time. I only want you. I tell myself that you will forgive me and come back to me. I pretend that you are on a long vacation. I am waiting. I remain loyal.

 

had a good second date with Mr. Crush. I am still NC with the ex. Feeling pretty good.

 

Alrighty...

 

Look, I am not even going to give you a speech about how being alone and figuring yourself out would be good for you. You're not going to understand at that point of your life anyway. We all have to learn by ourselves, in our own time.

 

But this I will say: look at your own emotional development in those few days. You were dating while in a relationship. You broke up. You dated Mr Crush. Then you wanted back to the Ex, never to think about Mr Crush again. You blamed the people on this thread for making you feel too guilty and coercing you into the break-up, even though you never felt much for Mr Crush. Now you're back to Mr Crush.

 

No judgement from my side. Just the facts.

 

Look at it, and remember that right now you're capable of doing a 180° every couple of days. With no apparent connection to the feelings you had before.

 

Think of this when you want to contact your ex. Realize that you will change your mind about him within the blink of an eye. And then stay away from him.

[hotdancer2009]

"Look, I am not even going to give you a speech about how being alone and figuring yourself out would be good for you. You're not going to understand at that point of your life anyway. We all have to learn by ourselves, in our own time."

Actually, since I have been a loner my whole life, I think it is healthy for me to start interacting with other human beings and learning how to make friends. Being alone is the last thing I need.

 

"But this I will say: look at your own emotional development in those few days. You were dating while in a relationship. You broke up. You dated Mr Crush. Then you wanted back to the Ex, never to think about Mr Crush again. You blamed the people on this thread for making you feel too guilty and coercing you into the break-up, even though you never felt much for Mr Crush. Now you're back to Mr Crush."

I was NOT dating while in a relationship. I broke up with the ex the day before my first date with Mr. Crush, remember? And I'm not exactly "dating" Mr. Crush. I am hanging out with him and getting to know him.I'm not jumping into anything serious. He knows that.

[MindoverMatter]

In the past I have dated guys behind my bf's back and not told either party the truth' date=' which was extremely awkward. In my book, that's not cheating since I never kissed or touched them...but still slimy.[/quote']

 

vs

 

I was NOT dating while in a relationship.

 

And:

I had a good second date with Mr. Crush.

 

vs

 

And I'm not exactly "dating" Mr. Crush.

 

This all adds up to nothing more than a big question mark and a hint of emptiness. I don't see the bigger picture. Do you? And will you still see it the same way in ... mh ... a week from now? You keep changing your goals, your attitude towards yourself, the situation and your ex and Mr Crush. It's really hard for me to understand what you want from life and from this situation. And I think you don't know that either.

 

In life, you will see that being coherent and honest ultimately leads to more friendships than elusive, flaky behaviour. I am not judging anymore. It is, what it is.

[Phateless]

I had a good second date with Mr. Crush. I am still NC with the ex. Feeling pretty good.

 

Glad you're feeling better. Take some time off completely from relationships. You can date around, but stay single. You need time to clear your head. If you genuinely wanted your ex back you wouldn't be interested in other guys.

 

Stick to your guns and stay NC. It's the right thing to do.

[fishtaco]

hotdancer's 2nd email to ex BF.

 

I have not been, and am not interested in, dating other men. That's the last thing I need right now.

 

Yet you are on 2nd date with Mr. Crush.

 

hotdancer, are you just telling people what you think they want to hear but you just keep doing whatever you feel like doing anyway? And by people I mean everyone. Your ex BF, Mr. Crush, and for some odd reason, even the people on LS.

 

Either that's just your personality, or you're just confused to what you want. I hope for your sake it's the latter case, because that's much easier to change (if you feel like a change is necessary). That's probably why Phateless and others suggested you should take time off relationships to work on yourself. Figure out what you want.

 

Also, you can't have the cake and eat it too. Sorry, but that's just real life. The right thing is usually difficult, but you walk away knowing you did the right thing. Seems like you just want to do whatever you feel like doing, but at the same time you want everyone to say "great job, what was the right thing to do!". Very often you have to pick one or the other, unfortunately.

 

Also I used "right" and "wrong" to prove a point. It's my personal belief that when it comes to dating, there's no right and no wrong, just cause and effect. So I don't want you to think I'm trying to say you are "wrong". It's more like if you act this way, that's cool, whatever floats your boat, but these are the consequences that you cannot escape. If you don't want these consequences, then don't act this way.

[39388]

Glad you're feeling better. Take some time off completely from relationships. You can date around, but stay single. You need time to clear your head. If you genuinely wanted your ex back you wouldn't be interested in other guys.

 

Stick to your guns and stay NC. It's the right thing to do.

I agree completely.

 

I would also say to Hotdancer2009 that making new friends is the most important thing right now and of course never making the same mistakes again when she gets back into more serious relationships.

[chrislovestosurf]

well i guess its good that you didnt cheat on him but you sound really immature. I cant see how your boyfriend was so accepting of this confession, i bet there is more to the story OR he is just a pussy and doesnt want to lose you (even though he is better off without you).

[Dexter Morgan]

I had a good second date with Mr. Crush. I am still NC with the ex.

 

make the most with Mr. Crush, and I hope you keep the NC thing going with the ex so he can move on and heal.

[hotdancer2009]

Help! I think I scared off Mr. Crush and I'm soooooo desperately lonely. I don't know what to do. :-( The time in between sessions with my counselor is so lonely and unbearable. I wish I could feel like I was a part of something. Superficial conversation in groups does nothing for me; I need real one-on-one intimacy. I don't understand how other people do it. How can you drag yourself through tough workweek after tough workweek with no real human interaction to look forward to? Please advise.

[mr.dream merchant]

They don't screw over the ones who love them. Tough it out, you've done this to yourself.