have a boyfriend but crushing on another

[Phateless]

Well, given the success of this thread (over 10,000 views), I thought I'd keep posting :-). Unfortunately, Mr. Right and I are running into some problems. We realize that we rushed into things too quickly and didn't really know each other. Over the past few months Mr. Right has been very depressed and confused. When I asked him what was wrong, he always said "I don't know". When I said what do you want, he said "I don't know". Mr. Right asked for the engagement ring back, and I gave it back to him. He called off the wedding in June. At the moment, we are still living together and trying to salvage the relationship. Here are the issues as I see it.

 

He complains that I have been putting school and work as a priority over him. He complains that we haven't been sleeping in the same bed (this was due to a difference in sleep schedules), haven't been spending enough time with him, and haven't been practicing religion with him. Overall, I think he feels neglected. I have been putting our relationship somewhat on the back burner while I'm in school, but I thought he was okay with that. Now that I realize how much I hurt him, I feel badly and I apologized. I also offered to make changes such as spending more time with him and sleeping in the same bed. He says that he doesn't believe that I can make the changes. He says he wants to try to make things work, but thinks there is only a small possibility that they will work. I said that if he is going to try, he needs to try wholeheartedly.

 

My side of the story is that this is a man who has been very depressed and confused over the last few months. He has not been communicating what was bothering him. He has not been saying what he wants or setting boundaries for himself. He has not been doing anything to make himself happy. He has been slaving away to make me happy, even when that meant doing things that he wasn't comfortable with. He did not communicate that he was not comfortable doing these things. Then he turned around and said that I was making him miserable. This is passive agressive, right? He has given me gifts, such as the engagement ring, making it clear that they were intended for me to keep no matter what. Then he has turned around and said "I want it back" or "I never wanted to give that to you".

 

I am saddened that he doesn't realize his errors. I don't think he is going to be able to have a relationship with anyone unless he can change his status as a martyr. It is sad that he truly thinks that love means sacrificing his own happiness and throwing himself at a woman's feet like a slave.

 

I'm trying to get him to see a counselor who can explain this to him. Any thoughts?

 

You told him you didn't want to share a bed with him and you're wondering why he's hurt?!

 

I'm sorry girl, but that part is 100% on you. I think you need to step up.

[betamanlet]

women feel neither guilt nor loyalty when they think they can do better. I promise you, the OP doesn't feel bad about dating while being involved, even if she doesn't think it counts for cheating because she didn't kiss him.

 

Her definition of slimy is not going to be guilt felt for the betrayal she committed, but more about what others would think of her if they knew the true her.

[OpenGL]

Women

[Dexter Morgan]

Well, given the success of this thread (over 10,000 views), I thought I'd keep posting :-). Unfortunately, Mr. Right and I are running into some problems.

 

saw that coming months ago.

 

 

I am saddened that he doesn't realize his errors. I don't think he is going to be able to have a relationship with anyone unless he can change his status as a martyr.

 

oh no you didn't.

 

you fly into relationships haphazardly, act like a 13 year old, but it is HIM that isn't going to be able to have a relationship with anyone?

 

I think you need to look at your own behavior and realize that it is YOU that will not be able to have a real relationship until you mature a little more.

 

 

I'm trying to get him to see a counselor who can explain this to him. Any thoughts?

 

yes, counseling would be good for you as well.

[hotdancer2009]

Well, it's all over with Mr. Right. He's out of the picture. I have a clear conscience about everything that went down. I moved out and I'm loving my new place. I bought furniture and towels and made it a home. I feel free and happy and in control of my life. I'm going to date around for a while and make sure that I take it slow next time. I had an awesome date today (let's call him Mr. Valentine, since it's Valentine's Day) and he bought me a huge bouqet of roses! :-). He was HOT! There is definitely potential. I also have another date on Saturday with a guy that I had met previously through a mutual friend (we'll call him Mr. Teacher since that is what he does). I had a strong connection with him too. I think the mistake that I made last time is that I jumped right in and "settled" instead of shopping around. I am young and beautiful and confident that I can have whoever I want. So I'm going to have some fun!

 

P.S. Surprisingly, my grades and work and friendships haven't suffered much from all this craziness. Actually, I've been bonding more with girlfriends lately. I hung out with a girlfriend I hadn't seen in a while on my birthday, and we had a great time. My boss and coworkers surprised me with a birthday cake, so I must be doing a good job!

[Dexter Morgan]

............................

[Thebob]

...................... this thread was weird as hell

[likestolaugh]

Well, it's all over with Mr. Right. He's out of the picture. I have a clear conscience about everything that went down. I moved out and I'm loving my new place. I bought furniture and towels and made it a home. I feel free and happy and in control of my life. I'm going to date around for a while and make sure that I take it slow next time. I had an awesome date today (let's call him Mr. Valentine, since it's Valentine's Day) and he bought me a huge bouqet of roses! :-). He was HOT! There is definitely potential. I also have another date on Saturday with a guy that I had met previously through a mutual friend (we'll call him Mr. Teacher since that is what he does). I had a strong connection with him too. I think the mistake that I made last time is that I jumped right in and "settled" instead of shopping around. I am young and beautiful and confident that I can have whoever I want. So I'm going to have some fun!

 

P.S. Surprisingly, my grades and work and friendships haven't suffered much from all this craziness. Actually, I've been bonding more with girlfriends lately. I hung out with a girlfriend I hadn't seen in a while on my birthday, and we had a great time. My boss and coworkers surprised me with a birthday cake, so I must be doing a good job!

 

 

you're a very odd person...

[Trimmer]

I'm going to date around for a while and make sure that I take it slow next time....

Yeah, do ya suppose that might be a good idea?

 

I am young and beautiful and confident that I can have whoever I want.

Well, you do sound young...

[Dexter Morgan]

This Mr. Right may or may not have realized that he just dodged a bullet BIG TIME.

 

one more life saved

[hotdancer2009]

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]Dear Mr. Valentine,[/sIZE][/FONT]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]I made out with you on Sunday. It was our third date. When you left you said “It definitely seems like I am going to miss you. Keep in touch.” You haven’t called since. You texted me to see if we were still on for Wednesday, but that doesn’t count. That’s just fine. I can handle your games. I’m chill. I’m strong and I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt. Maybe you are busy with work. Maybe you have a 3 day rule, or a 4 day rule, or apparently, a 7 day rule. Maybe you are dating so many women that you can’t keep track of which ones you are supposed to call. Or maybe, you are just interested in making out with me, and not interested in talking to me. The latter is probably the most likely. Oh yeah, I’m fine. Never mind that I burst into tears in the middle of a gas station convenience store when I texted you, “good morning. How r u?” and you actually texted me back. Never mind that I just ate an entire loaf of banana bread in one sitting to make me feel better. AND an avocado. *******! How dare you? I know that guys like the chase, but since I haven’t taken my pants off yet, don’t you theoretically still want more? How can you be done chasing already? Apparently the roses and the Zippo handwarmer you bought me were all just your way of buying a make out session. You really should change your profile to say “posing as man who wants marriage and children, but actually wants a fu$k buddy.” Maybe that is why you are 32 and still single. I bought 3 cans of cat food for your 3 cats, but apparently, they will never get to taste it. Poor kitties, how did they get caught up in this mess? It’s always the children that suffer. Sigh. One more thing. When you said “keep in touch” did you actually think that I was going to chase after you? Keep dreaming. Ultimatum: if you don’t pick up the phone really soon (yes, there is such an invention as a TELEPHONE) then I am going to smash the vase you gave me against the wall, pour the lighter fluid that you gave me onto the hand warmer and the roses and a picture of your sorry ass, and light a match. [/FONT][/sIZE]

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]NOT yours,[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]hotdancer[/sIZE][/FONT]

[Trimmer]

I made out with you on Sunday. It was our third date. When you left you said “It definitely seems like I am going to miss you. Keep in touch.”

Just a couple of thoughts:

 

"...definitely seems like..." is not a real strong verbal construct - it is waffling, big time. If he felt even a little like he might miss you he would just have said "I'm going to miss you..."

 

"...keep in touch." is what you write in someone's high-school yearbook when you need a way to close, and you wouldn't be surprised if you never see them again.

 

You haven’t called since. You texted me to see if we were still on for Wednesday, but that doesn’t count. That’s just fine. I can handle your games. I’m chill. I’m strong...

Well, that's good.

 

Never mind that I burst into tears in the middle of a gas station convenience store when I texted you...

 

Never mind that I just ate an entire loaf of banana bread in one sitting to make me feel better.

 

AND an avocado.

uhhh.. what happened to "chill" and "strong?" (You did take the pit of the avacado before finishing it off, yes?)

 

 

I bought 3 cans of cat food for your 3 cats, but apparently, they will never get to taste it. Poor kitties, how did they get caught up in this mess? It’s always the children that suffer. Sigh.

I'm starting to think it may be a good thing he doesn't have bunnies.

 

Ultimatum: if you don’t pick up the phone really soon (yes, there is such an invention as a TELEPHONE) then I am going to smash the vase you gave me against the wall, pour the lighter fluid that you gave me onto the hand warmer and the roses and a picture of your sorry ass, and light a match.

Weren't you just posting a couple weeks ago about how you were going to "make sure that I take it slow next time...."?

[Phateless]

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]Dear Mr. Valentine,[/sIZE][/FONT]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]I made out with you on Sunday. It was our third date. When you left you said “It definitely seems like I am going to miss you. Keep in touch.” You haven’t called since. You texted me to see if we were still on for Wednesday, but that doesn’t count. That’s just fine. I can handle your games. I’m chill. I’m strong and I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt. Maybe you are busy with work. Maybe you have a 3 day rule, or a 4 day rule, or apparently, a 7 day rule. Maybe you are dating so many women that you can’t keep track of which ones you are supposed to call. Or maybe, you are just interested in making out with me, and not interested in talking to me. The latter is probably the most likely. Oh yeah, I’m fine. Never mind that I burst into tears in the middle of a gas station convenience store when I texted you, “good morning. How r u?” and you actually texted me back. Never mind that I just ate an entire loaf of banana bread in one sitting to make me feel better. AND an avocado. *******! How dare you? I know that guys like the chase, but since I haven’t taken my pants off yet, don’t you theoretically still want more? How can you be done chasing already? Apparently the roses and the Zippo handwarmer you bought me were all just your way of buying a make out session. You really should change your profile to say “posing as man who wants marriage and children, but actually wants a fu$k buddy.” Maybe that is why you are 32 and still single. I bought 3 cans of cat food for your 3 cats, but apparently, they will never get to taste it. Poor kitties, how did they get caught up in this mess? It’s always the children that suffer. Sigh. One more thing. When you said “keep in touch” did you actually think that I was going to chase after you? Keep dreaming. Ultimatum: if you don’t pick up the phone really soon (yes, there is such an invention as a TELEPHONE) then I am going to smash the vase you gave me against the wall, pour the lighter fluid that you gave me onto the hand warmer and the roses and a picture of your sorry ass, and light a match. [/FONT][/sIZE]

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]NOT yours,[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]hotdancer[/sIZE][/FONT]

 

Clingy, psycho, and desperate. If you continue to act and think this way, you will chase away most men you meet.

 

Just saying...

[Dexter Morgan]

Clingy, psycho, and desperate. If you continue to act and think this way, you will chase away most men you meet.

 

Just saying...

 

your now seeing it huh Phat?

 

I think this girl needs to see a psychiatrist immediately.

[Phateless]

your now seeing it huh Phat?

 

I think this girl needs to see a psychiatrist immediately.

 

I agree a psychologist would be a good idea. I'm just helping her to realize how certain actions come across.

[hotdancer2009]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Calibri]I saw Mr. Valentine last night. We saw a really good movie, and then went to his place. He made me dinner and we danced. Then we started making out. I said, “I want to take it slow but I like kissing and cuddling with you” so I thought we were on the same page. He took off my shirt and then he took off his. I said “it’s going to be so amazing when we make love one day” and he pulled back and got quiet. Then he said “well I better take you home, because I’m an animal (can’t control myself)”. I was/am pretty hurt. He says he wants a wife, not a one night stand. I don’t understand what’s happening. He said he would call me today, but I don’t think he will. How is it fair to expect me to sleep with him when I barely know him and my ex fiancé dumped me a month ago? [/FONT][/sIZE]

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]I think the fundamental problem here is that when I fall in love, I fall fast and hard. I’ve already given him my heart, but he hasn’t given me his. I know, from my experience with my ex fiancé, that it’s not a good idea to take steps in a relationship until you really know a person…so rationally I’m trying to take it slow. But my heart is on a roller coaster in his hands. How can I help how I feel? How can I tell my heart to slow down? I told him that I give myself kudos for dating again so quickly after what happened. I told him I’m scared. He said I look scared. He said he gives me kudos too. I really don’t know where to go from here. I’m trying my best to be patient and give the guy some slack and time to get to know me. What else can I do?[/sIZE][/FONT]

[Dexter Morgan]

The problem is, and I say this with all seriousness, you need to mature before diving into any more relationships.

 

You don't know what love is. Only infatuation and desire.

[xpaperxcutx]

hotdancer you seem to have a habit of jumping from guy to guy. You haven't realized anything about each relationship and you're already dating a new guy.

[confusedmf]

Anything noticed something interesting about this thread? It's pretty much a rehash of one year ago except this time around, you seem to know a little more about what is it that you want. The biggest difference seems to be the fact that you're getting played over and over again.

 

Did she ever answer how old she is? The only reason I ask is, I've dated women like you before. Jumping from guy to guy in search of something. What that particular thing is, nobody is really sure, not even the girl. I've finally come to the conclusion, they have no idea what you want, I'd go as far as saying, what kind of person you truly are. Your constant struggle between what you thought you are and what your actions say, how you portray will confuse the bloody **** out of him/them.

 

Most guys don't give a crap because all they want from you is for you to take your clothing as fast as the retail sales associates prepping the manikins for the next season's clothing line. As you try to push back from the guys you're seeing, saying how you don't want to do this before that. I'm pretty confident if you keep pushing back Mr Valentine, he's going to disappear from your radar so quick, even NORAD might not be able to track him. What will happen next? Probably another threatening email saying how you disappeared from my life, cannot get a hold of you, blah blah and more blahs.

 

There was a lot more I was going to write here but I'll refrain because it'll come down rather harsh. Besides, all the advice given in this thread still stands. OP, just start reading page 1 again. Do some self realization and actualization.

 

People always say they don't like to be alone. This is true and is a fact that's pretty hard to deny. Humans require regular interactions and bonds with others, evolution made it so we're dependent on one another for survival. But that doesn't mean you have to swing your arm around every piece of sausage you run into. Being alone isn't the end of the world. I too grew up with not much family and friends around. So what? Everyone of us have to play with the cards life has dealt. I made the best of it by trying to find ways I can get myself out of situations I wasn't fond to be in, whether that's being lonely or how unhappy I was. The last thing you'll see me do in a situation confusing as the one you're in would be to find myself a chick to be my girlfriend because I can't even solve my own problems, what good will I be to them? A relationship isn't about how he/she can complete you, he/she should be an added bonus to a solid foundation you have built for yourself and nobody else.

 

The third, forth date and you're already obsessed because he didn't call you back? If it was me that got such an email, she would be on the blocked list in no time.

 

Originally I came to this forum to get more insights into people's dating behaviors to see how I can be better as a person, as a boyfriend to my current GF, to see how one might be able to avoid the common caveats you see regularly in the dating scene. Everything is fine until I ran into this post. This has to be the most depressing and god awful thing I've read in a long time.

[hotdancer2009]

Anything noticed something interesting about this thread? It's pretty much a rehash of one year ago except this time around, you seem to know a little more about what is it that you want. The biggest difference seems to be the fact that you're getting played over and over again.

 

Did she ever answer how old she is? The only reason I ask is, I've dated women like you before. Jumping from guy to guy in search of something. What that particular thing is, nobody is really sure, not even the girl. I've finally come to the conclusion, they have no idea what you want, I'd go as far as saying, what kind of person you truly are. Your constant struggle between what you thought you are and what your actions say, how you portray will confuse the bloody **** out of him/them.

 

Most guys don't give a crap because all they want from you is for you to take your clothing as fast as the retail sales associates prepping the manikins for the next season's clothing line. As you try to push back from the guys you're seeing, saying how you don't want to do this before that. I'm pretty confident if you keep pushing back Mr Valentine, he's going to disappear from your radar so quick, even NORAD might not be able to track him. What will happen next? Probably another threatening email saying how you disappeared from my life, cannot get a hold of you, blah blah and more blahs.

 

There was a lot more I was going to write here but I'll refrain because it'll come down rather harsh. Besides, all the advice given in this thread still stands. OP, just start reading page 1 again. Do some self realization and actualization.

 

People always say they don't like to be alone. This is true and is a fact that's pretty hard to deny. Humans require regular interactions and bonds with others, evolution made it so we're dependent on one another for survival. But that doesn't mean you have to swing your arm around every piece of sausage you run into. Being alone isn't the end of the world. I too grew up with not much family and friends around. So what? Everyone of us have to play with the cards life has dealt. I made the best of it by trying to find ways I can get myself out of situations I wasn't fond to be in, whether that's being lonely or how unhappy I was. The last thing you'll see me do in a situation confusing as the one you're in would be to find myself a chick to be my girlfriend because I can't even solve my own problems, what good will I be to them? A relationship isn't about how he/she can complete you, he/she should be an added bonus to a solid foundation you have built for yourself and nobody else.

 

The third, forth date and you're already obsessed because he didn't call you back? If it was me that got such an email, she would be on the blocked list in no time.

 

Originally I came to this forum to get more insights into people's dating behaviors to see how I can be better as a person, as a boyfriend to my current GF, to see how one might be able to avoid the common caveats you see regularly in the dating scene. Everything is fine until I ran into this post. This has to be the most depressing and god awful thing I've read in a long time.

 

I know exactly what I want. I want a mature, kind, attractive, athletic, intelligent, successful, positive man who values the same things I do and has similar interests. I am looking for a husband, so I'm not going to waste my time with men that just want sex. Mr. Valentine just wants sex, even though he says he wants a wife. (This became obvious when he kicked me out of his place when I wouldn't sleep with him.) As far as my decision to not sleep with him, I know that I did the right thing. I believe that making love should be reserved for people who are in love and are in a relationship. It's too intimate for a fifth date. Also, I am looking for someone who is going to invest time in a relationship...to take time to call me and have conversations with me to get to know me better. Mr. Valentine wasn't giving me the time of day, so he isn't what I'm looking for. It is quite reasonable to expect a man who is considering me as a wife to call me within a few days after an excellent date.

[Dexter Morgan]

I know exactly what I want. I want a mature

 

you need to mature before expecting maturity from any men.

 

 

kind, attractive, athletic, intelligent, successful, positive man who values the same things I do and has similar interests. I am looking for a husband

 

 

marriage is not for the weak, the selfish, or the immature. you don't need a husband right now. you are not fit for marriage yet.

[Woggle]

marriage is not for the weak, the selfish, or the immature. you don't need a husband right now. you are not fit for marriage yet.

 

I would agree. Whatever you do not drag a man into a doomed marriage. You are not built for it yet.

[hotdancer2009]

Hello to my 13,000 readers :-). It's been a while but I thought you would all be curious what's going on in my life, relationship wise. I've been dating Mr. Younger for three months now. I'll call him Mr. Younger, because he is two years younger. It's going pretty well at the moment, but I do have some concerns about him. He is living at home, doesn't have a real job and he isn't in school either, which is a bit scary. Also, he isn't at the commitment level that I would like him to be at. I'm not #1 in his life. I'm hoping that if I'm patient, these things will change. After all, he is younger.

 

Actually, we had a rough week a couple of weeks ago. I ended up in the ER because I called an acquaintance while I was upset, and she didn't know me well enough to know that I wasn't going to commit suicide. She called the police, who forced me to spend the night in the hospital. Mr. Younger met me at the hospital, and tried to make me comfortable. He also picked me up from the hospital and got me flowers, which was sweet. Later that week he told me he was busy all weekend AGAIN. This had been a repeating pattern. I was frustrated so I gave him an ultimatum. I sent him an email explaining where I was coming from and what my expectations were. We didn't talk for a few days, and I thought he was gone forever, but he actually came back. He said he didn't want to lose me and that he was going to make more of an effort to make me feel important. I said that I would give him another chance and we would see how things go.

 

So far, he has been doing well. He has been making time for me. He took me to a movie on Thursday night and I'm going to his mom's birthday celebration tonight. I'm trying to keep an open mind and look at things objectively. This is definitely very different from my previous long term relationships, where the man was ten years older and took care of me. Those men were my rocks, which was comforting. Mr. Younger is more like a disco ball. He is a lot of fun, but he is not always there. Then again, he was there for me in the hospital, so that counts for a lot. Do you guys think he will come around eventually and be more committed, both to his career and to me?

 

Oh, and do you think I should open a new thread as a continuation of this one: "Have a boyfriend but crushing on another part II"? This one is getting rather long.

[Dexter Morgan]

Hello to my 13,000 readers :-). It's been a while but I thought you would all be curious what's going on in my life, relationship wise. I've been dating Mr. Younger for three months now. I'll call him Mr. Younger, because he is two years younger. It's going pretty well at the moment, but I do have some concerns about him. He is living at home, doesn't have a real job and he isn't in school either, which is a bit scary. Also, he isn't at the commitment level that I would like him to be at. I'm not #1 in his life. I'm hoping that if I'm patient, these things will change. After all, he is younger.

 

so much for wanting a mature "man".

 

 

 

Oh, and do you think I should open a new thread as a continuation of this one: "Have a boyfriend but crushing on another part II"?

 

Please.......don't.

[harmfulsweetz]

Hello to my 13,000 readers :-). It's been a while but I thought you would all be curious what's going on in my life, relationship wise. I've been dating Mr. Younger for three months now. I'll call him Mr. Younger, because he is two years younger. It's going pretty well at the moment, but I do have some concerns about him. He is living at home, doesn't have a real job and he isn't in school either, which is a bit scary. Also, he isn't at the commitment level that I would like him to be at. I'm not #1 in his life. I'm hoping that if I'm patient, these things will change. After all, he is younger.

 

Actually, we had a rough week a couple of weeks ago. I ended up in the ER because I called an acquaintance while I was upset, and she didn't know me well enough to know that I wasn't going to commit suicide. She called the police, who forced me to spend the night in the hospital. Mr. Younger met me at the hospital, and tried to make me comfortable. He also picked me up from the hospital and got me flowers, which was sweet. Later that week he told me he was busy all weekend AGAIN. This had been a repeating pattern. I was frustrated so I gave him an ultimatum. I sent him an email explaining where I was coming from and what my expectations were. We didn't talk for a few days, and I thought he was gone forever, but he actually came back. He said he didn't want to lose me and that he was going to make more of an effort to make me feel important. I said that I would give him another chance and we would see how things go.

 

So far, he has been doing well. He has been making time for me. He took me to a movie on Thursday night and I'm going to his mom's birthday celebration tonight. I'm trying to keep an open mind and look at things objectively. This is definitely very different from my previous long term relationships, where the man was ten years older and took care of me. Those men were my rocks, which was comforting. Mr. Younger is more like a disco ball. He is a lot of fun, but he is not always there. Then again, he was there for me in the hospital, so that counts for a lot. Do you guys think he will come around eventually and be more committed, both to his career and to me?

 

Oh, and do you think I should open a new thread as a continuation of this one: "Have a boyfriend but crushing on another part II"? This one is getting rather long.

 

No to the bolded. One thread will suffice.