Crazy Jealous: My bf hasn't done anything to make me think he will cheat.

[raine]

I am overly jealous and insecure. My bf hasn't done anything to make me think he will cheat. We have been together about 9 months. Just the opposite of cheating I know that he genuinly cares and loves me. However, he likes to watch football every sunday with his friends at a bar and I get so jealous. He sometimes invites me to go along but if I were to I would just sit there and be ignored because they wouldn't ever stop talking about sports. I get jealous about anything he does without me. He is very close to his family and has a lot of close friends. Where as I am close to my family but they live hundreds of miles away and the only 2 friends I have are that far as well. I think a lot has to do with me not wanting to be alone but I can't control it. I don't know how to and have not been able to make any friends in the past 5 years since I moved other than my bf sister who sometimes gets on my nerves. I think she is jealous of our relationship anyway. I don't want to do anything without him and I just want him to feel the same. I'm probably totally dependent on a man I guess. It is all I can think about, how he chooses to be without me and would rather watch football than be with me. I have looked into getting counseling but really don't know that it will help much. I suppose I should give it a try.

[gocubsgo]

one thing i have learned over the years about men:

they love women who are independent.

if you have no life of your own and are clingy and needy, he will have no

respect for you.

show him that you don't need him to fulfill you socially.

volunteer at the animal shelter or some other organization

join a club (what are your interests? and don't say "hanging out with my boyfriend!")

make it obvious to him that you don't "need" him, but you want him.

i'm sure he loves you and you should not be jealous.

especially of his friends. get in good with his friends and you have it made.

wouldn't you rather be known as "the cool girlfriend" than "that clingy chick"?

if you do go with him to watch football, ask if there will be other girlfriends there.

strike up a conversation with ANY of his friends. don't just sit and sulk.

if you don't know anything about football, ASK QUESTIONS!

my bf absolutely loves to teach me about football (i was totally ignorant to it b4 him)

he even quizzes me on plays and stuff. make it fun for both of you.

and you'll be majorly stroking his ego in the process.

i doubt he would rather watch football than be with you. he's a man. they love football.

you're not overly jealous, it's not another woman, it's a sport.

either play along or take yourself out of the game.

[HokeyReligions]

I think you should try some counseling - it may very well help you. If you smother him you will drive him away.

 

You simply must find some interests/activities on your own.

[NEONINK]

Follow your passion. Find what you like doing; and you'll meet other people doing it as well.

 

Running, photography, stained glass making, a writers group, church, volunteer, weight lifting, going to the gym, bookclubs, hiking, drawing, painting... That's just what came to mind, but you'll know others.

 

Find a group that meets on Sunday if you can. Football season is just starting, so it might be a good idea to read the social activities pages of your local newspaper. Also, check out your local community college and the local library bulletin board.

 

Get out of yourself for a while. It's not good to swallow yourself up with just one person, no matter how much you love him. Plus you don't want to be "the ball and chain" to him. Good luck.

[raine]

I agree with each of your responses. That is the bad thing. I know a lot of what I'm feeling is unfair to him and just makes life miserable for myself. I don't know how to stop feeling this way though. They say the hard thing is admitting the problem. Well I have done that and it hasn't gotten any easier. I know a fair share about football and when we are alone watching football I do ask questions and talk to him about it in order to show an interest and it isn't like I hate football it is just that he and his friends are crazy about it. None of his friends have girlfriends so that makes it kind of hard too. If I were to go with him to the bar to watch it would be hard to even get one word in to either of them. In most cases when I have been around his friends, they have talked to me more than he has. I love him so much and I know that eventually this will drive him away but I just don't know how not to feel so jealous. I have talked to him about it a little and mentioned that I will probably get counseling on the matter. He isn't exactly thrilled about the counseling but thinks I should do what I feel I need to do. He tries to reassure me of how much he loves me and would never do anything to hurt me and I believe him for the most part but that insecurity inside keeps me from believing whole heartedly. I really think I will do the counseling and will work on finding other interests and hobbies.

[NEONINK]

His friends are probably trying to make you feel welcomed. That's a good sign of caring friends. I think you can probably trust his friends are good people. Get to know them a little better. Laugh and cut up and be one of the guys every once in a while.

 

But also, you have to empower yourself to overcome any feeling in life. Feeling sorry for yourself never works, and action is a way to overcome a feeling. You must take an action in order to feel empowered that you are worth a damn. That action needs to be some type of action geared toward your Independence as a person.

 

So, I would approach this twofold. 1) Get to know his friends better and every once in a while, just hang out with them. 2) Find something else that makes you happy and will hopefully help you make some connections with other people.

[raine]

The thing is I would be happy if he is the only person I spent my time with and I was the only person he spent his time with (outside of work). I really don't have any desire to hang out with anyone else. I don't feel comfortable with new people if I were to meet a girl friend. I would much rather hang with my boyfriend anyway. I wished he felt the same. He went out last night to watch a baseball game with his friends and it drove me crazy. He told me where he was going and I found out today that he ended up going somewhere else at the last minute. He doesn't even really invite me to go along I guess because he knows I'm not that into sports. He didn't tell me that they place had changed so even if I did want to pop in for a quick drink and leave if I got bored I couldn't have. I even ended up lying saying I went across the street from my house and had a drink alone at the little bar there when in reality I had a drink alone at home. He didn't care. I wish I could be more like him but I doubt I ever can. I don't know if I can handle his passion for sports. I wonder if I could handle any man of mine being passionate about anything but me or something for us as a couple. I'm so selfish but can't stop how I feel.

[NEONINK]

His passion for sports...

Well, my cousin is married to an empty house. This guy is overboard, playing something year 'round. If this is 365 days a year thing for him, then forget it and find someone more introverted like yourself.

 

However, if this seems normal, 1 night a week deal, then perhaps you are suffering from co-dependency.

 

I understand your desires, I've felt them myself. However, after several failed relationships, you begin to understand the importance of a friend or two. I'll probably never have more than a couple of friends, but it's nice to pick up the phone and complain or talk or just chat. Your significant other will feel smothered if you only rely on them for everything! Their walls start coming in, and they cannot breath because you are always there.

 

Now, you can fill in those "off times" by going to bookstores, libraries, or just finding a nice hobby at your community college. I recently did a stained glass class and enjoyed it. So, then you can either hang out with yourself (keeping the mind busy and at peace) or find some friends to hang out with (and hear their problems so you forget about your own.)

[moimeme]

It isn't healthy to depend on one person for all your emotional needs. There are very few people who can withstand the burden, either. I do think counselling would be a good idea for you; perhaps the counsellor can help you uncover the reasons you aren't interested in social relationships.

[raine]

I agree and know this to be true, that I can't depend on him for all my emotional needs and social needs. I know it isn't fair to him or right I just don't know how not to feel this way. I have started the process of seeking counseling but need to make a few more calls. Hopefully it will help me get past this so that I don't lose the best thing that has ever happened to me.

 

Thank you all for your responses/input. It helps some just to get it off my chest and her from unbias sources.

[Angel]

This man does not sound like your soul mate. There are men out there that will love your company more than sports. Dating is the time we take to find out if the guy/gal is the "one". If you are unhappy now because of the sports addiction, you will certainly get more of it if you marry. Get out now honey, because there is a lifetime ahead of this same behavior. I have a friend who married one of these guys and she is miserable and wishes she hadn't. If you choose to stay with him, don't blame him for your unhappiness later. He has every right to live the way he wants to, and you have every right to be happy. Unless he has a sports labotomy, he will continue this behavior FOREVER! Mr. Right is out there, don't settle!

Hope this was helpful.

[raine]

Angel

I have been going over and over that in my mind. I don't know that I will ever be able to be okay with his love of sports or be happy in that kind of relationship. He does have every right to live how he wants and it would be unfair to ask him to change or give up his sports which he has such a love of. I do know I have my own problems with codependency and insecurities and am seeking counseling. There are so many wonderful qualities about him that I have waited for my whole life, I hate to think we can't work because I can't deal with his sports.

[NEONINK]

Moderation is the key to life.

 

You can do anything you want, as long as it is in moderation. Whether it's eating, drinking, spending, sunning, running, sleeping, weight lifting, ..... I could go on and on....

 

too much eating and you get fat

too much drinking and you become an alcoholic

too much spending you are broke

too much sunning you get skin cancer

too much running you get shin splints or iliotibal band syndrome

too much sleeping you lost your job

too much weight lifting you tear muscle down too much/injury

 

too much sports and you lose balance with your partner, and you lose your girlfriend...

 

too much clinging to your boyfriend and you lose your boyfriend...

 

Since you are taking steps to address your neediness, hopefully he can keep his love of sports in check as well. that way you both compromise which, isn't that what relationships are about anyway?

[raine]

Neonink -

Moderation is good. For him, he watches sports constantly but only goes to bars about once or twice a week. I really don't want him going to bars for it at all. I would never get tired of being around him and I don't think he is tired of being around me, he just wants to watch sports at a bar with his friends. He knows I am seeking counseling so I'm going to wait and see if it helps our relationship and hope he does the same. I often think that he would be happier with someone who enjoyed sports as much as him or at least more than me, someone who could at least get excited with him about sports.

[Angel]

Don't overlook this that easily. Don't bury your head in the sand. I am sure he is a wonderful man in other respects but there are people who want to be with their significant others all the time. Don't blame it on co-dependency; it is not a character flaw, it is just the way you are and there is ABOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG WITH IT. Find someone that puts you first.

I can relate to you because I am the same way and found someone that ALWAYS puts me before sports (and he loves them all) but would never dream of going to a sports bar twice a week with the guys because that would be putting me second to sports. Don't try to change him and don't change this quality about yourself EITHER. Believe me, if it is a big enough problem that you're seeking counseling for it, it is a real problem. Don't deny yourself the good sense of finding a man that will put you first. Good luck.

[Nostalghia]

Pffffffft ..... any man that puts sports first ahead of his woman obviously is lousy in bed! Why would you want to with a guy like that? The fact that he watches football already leads me to believe he has lousy taste. Find a real man, one that likes to be with women as much as men! And tell his sister to take a hike that incestious wench!

[NEONINK]

Angel has a point... And if it is constant, no one, and I mean no one would be happy with that. And when he gets his own barstool like Norm on Cheers, it's time to pack his bags.

 

Love 'em or leave 'em.

[s,f_videos]

get rid of bf who make u jealous!!!! no matter what they are trying to manipulate you and feed on your pain. get rid of the guy forget abt compromise get rid of him. find a guy who puts you first.