Response to a meeting?

[drbobbo]

Hi Guys!

 

Sorry if you've heard this blub before but Im a bit confused.

 

In July my girlfriend of 8 years broke up with me totally out the blue saying she didnt love me anymore.

It sounds odd, but after the rage, I was kind of relieved. Her new friends were turning her a bit snappy and she'd completely shot my self-confidence. I obviously felt the pain a lot but I was kind of making progress.

 

2 days ago though, she emailled me saying Merry Christmas, Happy New year, and would I like to meet for a drink to get my things back?

 

I'm not entirely sure what to do. Part of me wants to ignore her forever, part of me wants to send abuse back, but part of me thinks it would be cool to be friends. However we would definetly only be very casual friends as I'm guessing its human nature to want to keep someone that crused you like that at arms length. Plus, I'm not really the same guy anymore.

 

Im truely confused now though. Should I reply and ask her what exactly what she wants? If I go and its a goodbye drink, wont I be upset that it wasnt me that was big enough to move on? Will sending abuse back really make me feel better in the long term?

 

Im stumped in all areas, so any advice at all is appreciated.

 

Just to let you know, a few friends have advised I tell her Im not meeting her yet, and to not do so until I know where my head is at. Sound reasonable or should I just blow the whole thing off?

[saturnfell]

Hi Guys!

 

Sorry if you've heard this blub before but Im a bit confused.

 

In July my girlfriend of 8 years broke up with me totally out the blue saying she didnt love me anymore.

It sounds odd, but after the rage, I was kind of relieved. Her new friends were turning her a bit snappy and she'd completely shot my self-confidence. I obviously felt the pain a lot but I was kind of making progress.

 

2 days ago though, she emailled me saying Merry Christmas, Happy New year, and would I like to meet for a drink to get my things back?

 

I'm not entirely sure what to do. Part of me wants to ignore her forever, part of me wants to send abuse back, but part of me thinks it would be cool to be friends. However we would definetly only be very casual friends as I'm guessing its human nature to want to keep someone that crused you like that at arms length. Plus, I'm not really the same guy anymore.

 

Im truely confused now though. Should I reply and ask her what exactly what she wants? If I go and its a goodbye drink, wont I be upset that it wasnt me that was big enough to move on? Will sending abuse back really make me feel better in the long term?

 

Im stumped in all areas, so any advice at all is appreciated.

 

Hi,

 

I would not send any type of negative email back. This will make you feel better for only a short while, and then you'll feel bad again. Also, this will most likely make her feel bad. You don't want to add more upset to an already difficult situation do you? If there are things you would like to say that are negative, write them down, but don't send.

 

If you see her, how will you feel? If you're going to be upset and feel like you're going backwards, then don't go. It's never easy seeing someone you've lost. You mentioned: "wont I be upset that it wasnt me that was big enough to move on?" Based on your saying that, then yes. You will be upset, and perhaps it isn't a good idea to see her now. Maybe you need more time, or maybe you won't ever be ready. If you are never ready, know that it's ok.

 

I think you already know the answer to your question. In my opinion though, I wouldn't go. If there are things she needs to get back to you, have someone pick them up for you or have her drop them off somewhere, but I wouldn't walk with the alligators.

[not_a_happy_camper]

i agree with saturnfell, i think you already know the answer to that. you're not ready to meet her by the sounds of things. so don't do that to yourself. if you can send her a simple message, straight and to the point to leave your stuff somewhere you can get them, post them to you, or arrange for someone else to pick them up, do so.

 

avoid avoid avoid

[drbobbo]

I honestly dont know. Ive never been so unsure about something. But thanks for your top advice.

 

I suppose I could focus the general insanity of this topic into - what does she want?

If she wants drinks to become friends, I might not have problems with that down the line.

If drinks means closure then I dont think Im interested in that.

 

Its also makes me a little queasy reading you guys saying 'avoid'. I know in my head its good advice, im just finding it hard to cut someone Ive known for so long out my life by my own will.

 

You guys should start charging, I reckon your probably better than therapy

[saturnfell]

Avoidance: it's difficult and creates a lot of pain within someone who chooses to avoid someone they cared for, but think of this. Do you want to keep this person in your life when you don't have them in your life as your heart wishes? You will forever feel the pain of this if you keep this person as your friend. It's not a wise choice; however the choice is ultimately yours.

 

It doesn't seem as though you are ready to make any decisions quite yet, and that's ok. This decision is yours to make, I can only tell you what I know from experience. You need to be 100% before you see her. If you don't take anything from our responses, please listen to this: give yourself as much time as you need. Please trust me about this.

[drbobbo]

Avoidance: it's difficult and creates a lot of pain within someone who chooses to avoid someone they cared for, but think of this. Do you want to keep this person in your life when you don't have them in your life as your heart wishes? You will forever feel the pain of this if you keep this person as your friend. It's not a wise choice; however the choice is ultimately yours.

 

It doesn't seem as though you are ready to make any decisions quite yet, and that's ok. This decision is yours to make, I can only tell you what I know from experience. You need to be 100% before you see her. If you don't take anything from our responses, please listen to this: give yourself as much time as you need. Please trust me about this.

 

I think your right in that I need more time.

 

I just dont know. As I mentioned, I was ultimately relieved to be out of it at the end so I figured if I felt that way, that perhaps I didnt love her in that way anymore, and we could be friends (which from other examples in my life, appears to be the norm)

[drbobbo]

Ok, I'll just send a polite reply saying she should let me know when shes back from her field trip (which buys me 2 months of time), but nothing commital.

 

From a girls perspective, so you think she wants to see me to be friends or to simply give me some junk (which is junk to be honest and Im amazed shes returning it)

[saturnfell]

Ok, I'll just send a polite reply saying she should let me know when shes back from her field trip (which buys me 2 months of time), but nothing commital.

 

From a girls perspective, so you think she wants to see me to be friends or to simply give me some junk (which is junk to be honest and Im amazed shes returning it)

 

So you have 2 months to decide whether or not you want to see her? Seems like a good amount of time.

 

From a female's perspective: I could speculate. Is she the type to be friends with an ex? Would she be the type to attempt to reconcile?

[Trialbyfire]

Yes, think back on when you were together. Did she have exes for friends? Also, do you have exes for friends?

 

Some exes make good friends where others, you'll find that you either don't want to be friends with or the same problems in your relationship, will crop up during a friendship.

 

You decide whether you've truly moved on or not. If you haven't moved on, don't try to be friends. It will only delay your ability to let go.

 

Also, let's pretend she wants to get back. Are you 100% certain you want this? It doesn't sound like it.

[not_a_happy_camper]

good that you have two months to make that decision.

 

however, you say that you're not ready to meet up if it's goodbye.

but then if she wants to be friends, you say that's ok.................

if you're not ready to say goodbye, what are you not ready to say goodbye to? the possibility of her being your friend, or the possibility that you might get back together in the future? it seems you don't want to get back together, but the pain is still there, so maybe think about why you want to still be friends.

[drbobbo]

We were together 8 years, I was her first boyfriend so we cant tell by her older exs.

 

Is there any other way of telling? Should I ask her why she wants to meet up, or is that too stupid?

 

Shes mentioned its a slow week for her so we could meet up this week. I chose to ignore that reply though.

[drbobbo]

Yes, think back on when you were together. Did she have exes for friends? Also, do you have exes for friends?

 

Some exes make good friends where others, you'll find that you either don't want to be friends with or the same problems in your relationship, will crop up during a friendship.

 

You decide whether you've truly moved on or not. If you haven't moved on, don't try to be friends. It will only delay your ability to let go.

 

Also, let's pretend she wants to get back. Are you 100% certain you want this? It doesn't sound like it.

 

No mate, I dont want to get back together at all, and never will. Im just wondering if im ready to have her as a friend or if I can let go of someone Ive known for 12 years.

[drbobbo]

good that you have two months to make that decision.

 

however, you say that you're not ready to meet up if it's goodbye.

but then if she wants to be friends, you say that's ok.................

if you're not ready to say goodbye, what are you not ready to say goodbye to? the possibility of her being your friend, or the possibility that you might get back together in the future? it seems you don't want to get back together, but the pain is still there, so maybe think about why you want to still be friends.

 

As selfish as it sounds, I think I ant a bit of control in this ending. If we meet up and its goodbye we've totally ended everything on her terms. If I refuse to play her goodbye game, as least I had a little say in how it ended, and ultimately I made it a tiny bit easier for myself.

[saturnfell]

There's really no way to tell. The only way to know for sure, is to ask. I still don't think you're ready.

[drbobbo]

I dont think I am either, but I want to ask out of curiosity. Will it ruin things if I ask?

 

The only reason this curiosity has woken in me, is I saw your thread Saturnfell (not blaming you, you've been a big help), and somebody told you "lifes too short, you'll kick yourself if you dont find out".

[not_a_happy_camper]

i don't think you'll ruin things by asking. but if she does say she just wants to say goodbye.........then she kind of controls the situation anyway? you're only finding out by text/phone what she was going to say in person. if you allow her to say it in person. and let's face it, in person is always theoretically a better way. closure wise. but text/phone allows for lack of emotional attachment............you need to decide which is better for you.

 

yeah you'll kick yourself if you don't find out. but you're not ready to meet her to have her say goodbye. and it sounds like you're not ready to be friends either. you could just say you'd rather not meet up. don't give a reason, but arrange to get your stuff back. then you're in control and if you choose to try meet up with her yourself at a later point, you can. because she has already tried. it's up to you the next time. when or if you ever want to do that

[Trialbyfire]

No mate, I dont want to get back together at all, and never will. Im just wondering if im ready to have her as a friend or if I can let go of someone Ive known for 12 years.

No one can figure this out for you. You have to decide if you're ready for friendship and if you're capable of befriending an ex.

 

I can only say that right now, you don't appear to have completely moved on. If this is true, unless you suddenly have a shift in perception in the next two months, friendship will be a challenge for you.

[drbobbo]

So you guys wouldnt even ask why she wants to meet?

 

Out of interest, how do you guys know I havent moved on? I always thought I had, but my feelings towards women have changed. I assumed thatwas just a personality change as a result of events. But most of you seem sure im not over, hows that?

[saturnfell]

Well, I believe the post that is referring to is one of my inquiries on whether or not I should spend time with my ex. The difference though, between your situation and mine: I would give the world and days without sun only to be occupied by the moon to have him back. In your case, you don't want her back. So, if you're positive that you don't want her back, then sure, there is no harm in asking what she wants by seeing you. You see, you have nothing to lose. If she says she just wants to 'check in' with you, you will not feel the overwhelming sadness or heartache that accompanies that. So, I ask again, are you sure you don't hope for a relationship with her other than friendship? If you answered, yes, then ask her.

[drbobbo]

Well, I believe the post that is referring to is one of my inquiries on whether or not I should spend time with my ex. The difference though, between your situation and mine: I would give the world and days without sun only to be occupied by the moon to have him back. In your case, you don't want her back. So, if you're positive that you don't want her back, then sure, there is no harm in asking what she wants by seeing you. You see, you have nothing to lose. If she says she just wants to 'check in' with you, you will not feel the overwhelming sadness or heartache that accompanies that. So, I ask again, are you sure you don't hope for a relationship with her other than friendship? If you answered, yes, then ask her.

 

I thought I was sure, and if asked now I wouldnt get back for anything. But that other gent wisely pointed out Im scared it will be a goodbye drink, but why am I scared of this? I have no real answer.

[saturnfell]

I'm guessing, but I think you're scared because you still care. I don't think you're ready to write the end of the chapter just yet. I think, you could quite possibly want a 'to be continued...'

[drbobbo]

Interesting idea, and closer than anything I have. However if I never saw her from this second onwards, it wouldnt bother me. I was moving on. I was doing things she'd never let me do and loving it.

Granted Ive kind of been expecting her to get in touch (I dont know why), but I've been quite willing (until I registered on this board) to ignore her totally, or even send her abuse. Surely not signs of someone hoping for a round 2?

[saturnfell]

Quite the opposite actually. When you registered here, you started reading all the threads. You gained insight into other people's lives you probably didn't imagine were going through the situations they are. You convinced (remember the word: convinced) yourself that you were fine, that you didn't ever want to talk to her again and you were moving on. Little did you know, this forum would open your eyes to the emotions, I'm guessing, you have buried and not allowed yourself to admit to yourself.

 

The mere fact that you want to send her a nasty email speaks volumes! You wouldn't want to do this if you didn't care. You wouldn't think twice about seeing her if you didn't care. An example of this would be the post you sighted which I began. That in itself made you wonder.

 

This is all speculation though, only you know for sure!

[drbobbo]

Dear God, what do you do for a living? If its not psychology, sign up quick. I think you may be nailing in an hour what I havent touched in 6 months.

 

I really want to hate her, but if I did, I wouldnt be here right? When it ended, I was just kind of like 'right, thats that, end of story.' and that was it.

 

So now you appear to have me down to a T, I have 2 questions. What do I do from here, and how much do you charge per hour?

[saturnfell]

Dear God, what do you do for a living? If its not psychology, sign up quick. I think you may be nailing in an hour what I havent touched in 6 months.

 

I really want to hate her, but if I did, I wouldnt be here right? When it ended, I was just kind of like 'right, thats that, end of story.' and that was it.

 

So now you appear to have me down to a T, I have 2 questions. What do I do from here, and how much do you charge per hour?

 

If you hated her, and honestly hated her, no, I don't think you would be here. I think many of us on this forum convince ourselves that hating someone is the best option which leads us to believe we actually hate the person. It's far easier to hate someone than to be honest with ourselves and out feelings.

 

I think you need to think about how you feel. If you never spoke to her again, would you truly be ok with that? Has the thought crossed you mind that you may see her, and the feelings will come flooding back? If no, then great, you're all set. If yes, then you need time. You're adimant about not wanting a relationship with her, yet you're very concerned about what will happen when you ask why she wants to see you. Think about that. The answer is right there (in my opinion) In some cases, seeing the person helps, but you really need to be sure, either way, what it is you're feeling.

 

If you were ok with never seeing her again, and were sure about this. I would just cut ties and never see her again.