Behrman Posted September 18, 2003 Share Posted September 18, 2003 Ok, I'm 17 and in high school, just to let some people know that before they read this, and it may seem like kind of a movie type high school problem, but it's still a problem for me none-the less, and I figured Id ask you guys for help. About two weeks ago, myself and two of my friends started hanging out with these three girls. All of which Ive never talked to before. We all had a really good time, me in particular because I seemed to hit it off with this one girl who I will call K. The problem is though, my friend, (A), also seemed to flirt a lot with her. The next night, we hung out at another friends house again. Myself and K made out and stuff... because were in high school and thats what we do, but so did A and K. I didnt really have feelings for her though then. But then I started talking to her over the internet and in school, and I realized I really wanna get to know her more. The problem is that, she told me she "likes" A. When I heard that I was crushed. Being the nice guy I am though, I talked to him for her, because I really didnt want to see her hurting. It turns out he really doesnt want her though. I really wanted to tell her this so shed get over him, but I couldnt because it would of crushed her, and thats the last thing I wanted, so I didnt say anything. Unfortunely her friend called up A though and found out he didnt want her and told K. So, she was hurt anyway. She then told me she still likes A though, even though she knows she doesnt have a chance. I want to comfort her and make her feel better, but then Id just be a friend, and Ive had too many times where I became a friend and nothing else, so I didnt want that to happen again. So, thats the problem, I dont know what to do. I really want to be more with her, but Im afraid that im falling into the "good friend" cateigory that you really cant get out of in high school. Im not exactly in yet, but Im just about there. I need some advice to get me out of this, because right now I honestly have no idea what to do. Its happened to me quite a few times before, but I dont want it to happen again. Now I know this may seem a little kiddish to a lot of the "Senior members" out there, but you too were in high school and know how it feels, and all I want is some advice to get her. I DONT want to just be another friend. Link to post Share on other sites
Paul Posted September 19, 2003 Board of Directors Share Posted September 19, 2003 Hi Behrman, Originally posted by Behrman Now I know this may seem a little kiddish to a lot of the "Senior members" out there, but you too were in high school and know how it feels, and all I want is some advice to get her. I DONT want to just be another friend. To clarify, "Senior Member" is the current distinction given to participants who post over 100 times on the forum. It has nothing to do with age. Best wishes, Paul Link to post Share on other sites
Author Behrman Posted September 19, 2003 Author Share Posted September 19, 2003 That just solved my entire problem... Link to post Share on other sites
G-Unit Posted September 19, 2003 Share Posted September 19, 2003 You have got to make your move man. If she needs comfort right now, then go for it. Express your feelings for her and in turn she will accept you! It is ok to be a good friend I guess because later down the road at a prom or something you can ask a good friend of the opposite sex to go with you to that. Sometimes good friend relationships can evovle into more of a serious relationship. Make your move man. Link to post Share on other sites
subtitled Posted September 19, 2003 Share Posted September 19, 2003 yep, being friends is always the key to a relationship. and from a 17 y.o girl's perspective, if you're really nice and kind to her when she's hurting right now, she'll remember it and if you get to know eachother really well, you never know, she might just fall for you... i've done this before with a friend of mine. Link to post Share on other sites
jenny Posted September 20, 2003 Share Posted September 20, 2003 first of all, not a kiddish problem at all and you express yourself with remarkable maturity. now, i am 10 years past high school, and that limits my ability to fully understand the situation. but i do know some things about some women. please correct me if i have misunderstood anything. you have some evidence of this girl's character already. you know she enjoys flirting, works through friends to get her man, and seems to prefer unavailable men. while being sweet and 'therapeutic' might work on some girls who are sincere and open, the evidence of my experience suggests that it will not work on this girl and it is not in your best interest to go this route. i am sure you actually are a nice guy. but becoming her confidante, in a certain way, is not honest, and it will not lead to a romantic situation. thinking that being her confesser will lead to romantic intimacy is understandable, but it is simply an error in thinking. A not only does not equal B, we can not assume that A has *any* causal relationship with B. so why not try being yourself instead? be bored or disinterested when she talks about her relationships. tease her, go out to movies, play basketball, together, and simply refuse to talk about her problems except occasionally. touch her more. these are behaviours that have been identified as building feelings of attraction. i'll tell you straight up that when guys in my past have played therapist, it has never led to anything but them being bitter. know what you want, don't try to be what she wants - its dishonest. Link to post Share on other sites
Paul Posted September 20, 2003 Board of Directors Share Posted September 20, 2003 Originally posted by Behrman That just solved my entire problem... Well, I aim to please. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Behrman Posted September 20, 2003 Author Share Posted September 20, 2003 Thanks to everybody who replied, and I appericate all the help I got (even from you Paul ) Jenny, your help made a lot of sense. I was thinking about doing something similar to that, and actually have started to get un-involved with her romantic situation. I tease her a lot now, and she teases back... and I hope that thats not a bad thing, because we do it quite a bit. I went to her swim meet with a friend, so I think that may have helped too. The only problem still is, she still likes A (as far as I know). I didn't ask her this however, her friend informed me. So, is there any possibilities of her giving up on him and liking me? Because even though she knows hes not intrested, she doesnt seem to want to give up, and Im not going to tell her to or anything... or should I? This problem just seems to get bigger and bigger... And thank you, everyone, again. Link to post Share on other sites
jenny Posted September 20, 2003 Share Posted September 20, 2003 hey again. it sounds like things are progressing along a better trajectory now. but, ok, she still desires A. at this point in time, there is not much you can do except to continue to treat her with *casual* friendliness. you know for certain that disinterest evidently appeals to her, (not, by the way, a good sign for a long-term relationship, but i digress) so i suggest that for now, taper off your interest in her slightly by becoming less available and develop an interest in other girls. here is my parlour proof: [i love this stuff ] i will assume that you, let's call you B, are relatively similar to A in terms of equal intelligence, attractiveness, etcetera. because K appears obtuse about A's feelings, and must work through friends to communicate with him, i will further assume that K does not actually know A well enough to be able to discern any other undefined qualities, say, wit, subtly, etc. she does know B quite well, however, as proven by her confessions to him. any reasonable woman in this situation would choose B. since K has not, we must assume the presence of an unknown factor: X. the X factor here is indifference. this is the only thing that A has shown that B has not. if my assertion is true, that the quality she appears to consistently desire in A is indifference, this will help eventually shift desire to you, if you begin to also show a increased capacity for X. hence: taper off a bit now. let her come to you and, again, do *not* be afraid to start moving toward other women and do *not* be afraid to talk about them. make no mistake. this is strategy. in an ideal world, you could take your shot and be done with it. but nice guys are competing against a myriad of influences that they can not predict; they are working at a considerable disadvantage. lol - i really like doing this stuff. but let me know if there are factors i have not considered or what you decide to do - and good luck! she's a lucky girl! xox, j Link to post Share on other sites
subtitled Posted September 20, 2003 Share Posted September 20, 2003 who would've thought things could be so complex..! sheesh! damn humans and their intricate psyches. that was amazing jenny lol... are you a trained psychologist or something!?? Link to post Share on other sites
jenny Posted September 20, 2003 Share Posted September 20, 2003 o dear god no! giggles, i'm just hooked on logic and military strategy in everyday life Link to post Share on other sites
Author Behrman Posted September 21, 2003 Author Share Posted September 21, 2003 I think the "X" factor is that A made a "move" of a sort. Not really a "move", but when they first met, he'd put his arm around her and thigns like that. Last night, we hung out again with a group of friends (A was not there ). Myself and K were the only sober ones there, so we kind of got a bit of quality time together. It was on a beach on lake erie, and it was very romantic I'd think, from a girls point of view. So, I went and sat up on the steps that led down to the beach and just looked at the water and stars and stuff... because I really do like just looking at things like that... they make life seem worth living. Anyway, I was sitting there, and K came up and sat down next to me. We talked a LOT then. She told me about her alcoholic dad, I talked to her about my dad getting cancer... we pretty much spilled our guts to each other. The only thing is, as nice as talking was, I never tried anything. I didn't put my arm around her, I didn't hold her hand or whatever, all we did was talk. As good as that sounds, I think it's that lack of physical caring like putting my arm around her that is the "X" factor. It was probably one of the most romantic places where I live, being on a beach at night, just me and her, and I didn't do anything. I didn't want to though, because I didn't want to seem to anxious. I knew she was still not completely over A, and I didn't want people (or her, for that matter), to think that I was trying to take advantage of her vunaribility. That's pretty much where I am stuck now... I don't want to wait, but I think I may have to. Link to post Share on other sites
jenny Posted September 21, 2003 Share Posted September 21, 2003 ok, cool, good for you for thinking about it critically. yes! more touching! lots of touching! and continue with the "refusing to hear about her boyfriend problems" tactic, as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Behrman Posted September 27, 2003 Author Share Posted September 27, 2003 Ok, I would like to thank everyone who replied here. Im not sure if its normal in forums to get apperication, but I feel its deserved. Myself and K (Katie) and offically a couple and I couldnt be more happy. It turns out shes liked me all along since the beginning, but just went with A because she didnt think I felt the same. I want to thank the people who replied to my post and gave me advice, because without you guys I dont think this would have happened. Thank you again. Link to post Share on other sites
subtitled Posted September 27, 2003 Share Posted September 27, 2003 ! wow! happy endings are the greatest Link to post Share on other sites
Curt Posted September 27, 2003 Moderators Share Posted September 27, 2003 Kickass!!! I love it when a plan comes together Link to post Share on other sites
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