Hard to be with someone when they are justifying their jealousy out of pure love

[berry1204]

I have quite a touchy situation here. I am not sure how to handle jelousy or insecure people. I like to feel needed but to a certain extent. I like having my own life separate from my boyfriend and do things with just the girls. I value time together but also value time apart. My boyfriend of 2 years broke things off with me a few months ago. When we met we both fell in love so fast. I did sense his insecurity right away though. He told me he felt physical pain when I wasn't around and that he didn't want to share me with anyone. Now this is flattering but also a bit smothering. I felt like I had to be around so he could feel good. So, I contemplated a breakup and ended up doing it and hurting him very badly. I told him upf-front that I was unsure of my feelings for my last boyfriend and that it was best if I had some time to sort things out. I had dated someone for 3 years prior to this and he was always jelous of that. He didn't want me to move back to my home town in case I would run into him and we would get back together. I told him numerous times that I didn't ever want that old relationship back I just needed time to sort things out. Well, we ended up getting back together after I sorted things out. After this I was never allowed to forget about how badly I had hurt him. He became suspicious of everything I did. He made comments about the clothes I would wear and was jelous that my boss was a doctor and that we got along well. I would feel myself pull away from him because of this jelousy but I did love him so much. It was so hard to be with someone when they are justifying their jelousy out of pure love. He hated when I went with my friends and made me feel like being really close with my family wasn't right. That I should be more independent from them or something. I would go and spend a night with my sister who lived 2 hours away and he accused me of being selfish because I didn't call to check in even though I had just seen him the day before. He snooped through my things and accused me that I shouldn't have a guy friends number in my cell phone unless I was calling him to do things. What happened here. I feel so bad for leaving him the first time that sometimes I feel like I deserved to not be trusted. What is the issue here??? I really need some help with this. Can anyone give me some solid advice???

[quankanne]

Sounds like you've gotten caught up in his sick little world, and now you're questioning the survival instinct that's telling you to call it quits for good.

 

In a healthy relationship, you aren't asked to sacrifice your relationships just to satisfy only one, which is what he is telling you to do. He doesn't trust you because he's the one with the issues, with a serious problem, not you. I guarantee, with a man like this, all you will have to do is smile or nod at someone without meaning anything, and he will tell you that you were encouraging other men or hitting on them. Get out, and get out fast. His kind think nothing of abusing a woman -- be it physical, verbal or emotional abuse -- just to feel self-worth. He NEEDS a victim to control in order to make himself feel better. Think of him as an emotional vampire, willing to suck out your very soul without a care to your wants or needs.

 

Wanting to spend time with your family and friends -- and away from him -- is normal, because there has to be a healthy balance in your relationships with people for you to feel good about them. Sometimes, someone's needs might outweigh someone else's so you'll spend a bit more time with that person, but it all goes back to that healthy balance. Him insisting that you spend every waking, breathing and thinking minute with him is plain sick.

 

You deserve better than what he's offering you, so please get out of this relationship post-haste. Even if it means telling him that you and your ex have hammered things out or that you are interested in someone else, do it. Your life can only get worse if you decide to invest it with someone who has problems like your boyfriend has.