The EX is now FWB and it is

[9Lives]

my ex and I just started back talking to each after 3 yrs of a rel. He decided he did not want to be in a relationship anymore. We broke up for about 2 months. We began talking again as friends. I was doing NC for a while which was good for me but I did not want to keep doing the NC thing anymore so I broke the silence. He never wanted the silence thing anyway so it was easy to do.

 

Anyway, we have been talking for about 3 weeks. Nothing serious but being nice to each other and stuff like that. We had sex this 3rd week and spend some of the new year together. It was mutual. It was my decision really. It was cool.

 

But like you guys are saying....my feelings are starting to get involved again. I cant lie. I have been cool. I have not been clingy...calling alot....text alot....keep tabs...and all that. I just been cool.

 

He knows I still care alot about him and I know that he does not want to get involved like we were before at this time. Plus he is talkin to other chicks.

 

So I am wanting to talk to you all to make sure that I dont play myself to hard. I would love to get back together I think but then when I think about it ....it really wasnt workin for me cause my needs in the relationship was not really getting met. Im affectionate and he is not. That is something I really need from a man. I realize that but for some reason, I still love this guys.

 

Anyway....I just need my LS family to help me not do anything stupid. He welcomes my interatciton with him. It is not just sex. he has me around his children. We went out to eat on New years but we did not bring it in together. We talk alot, we go to the gym together. But we are not in a relationship. Most of the time I initate contact too. That I dont like either but he welcomes it when i do.

 

What do you think?

[Charles1978]

9Lives, I've been in a similar situation. My last ex and I broke up over something stupid. We had no contact... zero, for 10 months. My dad went into the hospital and I let her know about it via text. After a few days, she sent me a really long text telling me that she made a mistake and that she wanted me back. So, we got back together. My emotions became involved again, of course. She is a very beautiful girl... one that turns heads everywhere she goes... funny, laid back, etc, so I gave it another shot. And after about 3 months, we broke up again over something extremely trivial. At that point I realized... people break up for a reason, and that I needed to move on completely. Emotions really do suck, don't they? They eat at you and make you do things that you normally wouldn't. Since you are feeling uncomfortable with the situation, and if you are sure you want to give it a real shot again, you should tell him. Because for your sake, it doesn't get easier. Good luck with it!

[9Lives]

Charles,

 

I was really hoping to hear from you especially.

 

Well I really dont want to tell him because I already know he is not going to want to get back together right now or ever maybe. I think that I need to read up more on this FWB thing because it is kinda showing me that I might be hurting myself again by going that route with him.

 

Right now, things are cool between us. We are nice to each other. I really dont think he wants to hurt me and I think he is trying to respect me but he is not ready to be in a relationship with me if ever.

 

I am happy we are dealing with each other but I know I need to be careful for alot of reasons. Like I said, he is talking to other ladies. It has only been three weeks and I am trying to keep my mind right so i dont get too caught up and ....you know...play myself wrong.

 

I want him to want me back but I dont want to force him or be pushy, clingy, naggie, doormat....etc.

 

At the same time, I am trying to be honest with myself too. I know I need more. I am trying to see other guys but they move fast for me. bottom line is I just need to keep trying to further my life without him. He know how I feel and I cant make him want to be back with me. im just happy we are past the NC thing. It was eating me up.

[You'reasian]

Remind him that you need this nurturing and he will deliver...

[9Lives]

Remind him that you need this nurturing and he will deliver...

 

I dont understand...what do you mean

[You'reasian]

At the same time, I am trying to be honest with myself too. I know I need more. I am trying to see other guys but they move fast for me. bottom line is I just need to keep trying to further my life without him. He know how I feel and I cant make him want to be back with me. im just happy we are past the NC thing. It was eating me up.

 

I think if you are going home with other guys or going on dates with them, you should probably clear the air with him about that, right?

 

If he recommits to you, don't you want to be available to him and only him?

 

Just and thought.

 

Take care

[9Lives]

well he is seeing other women so I don't think I should make him a priority in my life if I'm not one in his. that's number one

 

number two...he has not expressed any feelings about our relationship so I can't assume anything.

 

number three...i have to be true to myself as well. I have learned that I have to remember what I need to and deserve. I can't leave myself behind anymore. you can love someone but that don't mean they are good for you. it is wierd

[You'reasian]

well he is seeing other women so I don't think I should make him a priority in my life if I'm not one in his. that's number one

 

number two...he has not expressed any feelings about our relationship so I can't assume anything.

 

number three...i have to be true to myself as well. I have learned that I have to remember what I need to and deserve. I can't leave myself behind anymore. you can love someone but that don't mean they are good for you. it is wierd

 

What if he comes out and tells you that he does love you and needs you?

[LucreziaBorgia]

My ex and I were together three years and he broke up with me. We did the FWB thing for a while, and for some reason I thought that would remind him of what we had, and he would want to get back together. All that happened was me getting tired of giving 100% and him giving 0%.

 

When you accept FWB with a guy who ends a relationship with you, that is pretty much all you can expect to ever have with him. A guy won't give any more than he has to, and if he can get away with it he'll keep on the same way indefinitely until you get tired of it and walk away.

 

It took me a few months, but eventually I got to the point where I was tired of being used. Honestly, 99.99% of the time that is all FWB is: one person using another, and the other trying to justify to themselves that it is worth it and might lead to more.

 

It hurts more in the long run, but it does make letting go someone easier. I saw the FWB thing as a 'long goodbye'. He saw it as 'sex without effort'.

[9Lives]

My ex and I were together three years and he broke up with me. We did the FWB thing for a while, and for some reason I thought that would remind him of what we had, and he would want to get back together. All that happened was me getting tired of giving 100% and him giving 0%.

 

When you accept FWB with a guy who ends a relationship with you, that is pretty much all you can expect to ever have with him. A guy won't give any more than he has to, and if he can get away with it he'll keep on the same way indefinitely until you get tired of it and walk away.

 

It took me a few months, but eventually I got to the point where I was tired of being used. Honestly, 99.99% of the time that is all FWB is: one person using another, and the other trying to justify to themselves that it is worth it and might lead to more.

 

It hurts more in the long run, but it does make letting go someone easier. I saw the FWB thing as a 'long goodbye'. He saw it as 'sex without effort'.

 

WOW...this was a dagger in my heart. It has only been about 3 or 3 weeks and what you said scares the hell out of me cause I can see this happening. Is their anything you think I can do differently to get him to want to be more than FWB and at least consider us being a couple again?

 

He is not being mean or un-inviting towards me. He is not initating sex(we have only done it once)...he is just being cool and laid back and so am I.

 

I was going to tell him that "I dont want you out my life but if you know I am totally wasting time...just tell me"

 

I dont want to pressure him into getting back together. I feel like we still need to sort out some things and I need to sort out some things on my own but I dont want him gone and I dont want to be friends only.

 

Your thoughts?

[LucreziaBorgia]

Well, changing someone else's mind is pretty hard. Imagine if someone proposed trying to do something to change your mind about being in love with him and wanting to be with him. Is there anything someone could do or say to make you stop loving him at this point?

 

Works the same way with him. If he doesn't want a relationship, there really isn't much you can do to make him change his mind.

 

It would be like taking medicine yourself in hopes that it will make your sick friend better.

 

He has to want to change his mind.

 

The only thing that will make him even consider having you back is to make a relationship a package deal with the sex, with NC being the alternative. As soon as he realizes that you are gone, and that the only way to get you back is to be in an actual relationship with you then he will make that happen if that is what he wants.

 

If that isn't what he wants, he will simply let you walk away.

[9Lives]

I understand. so should I tell him I want to be in his life?

[LucreziaBorgia]

Only if you do it on your terms. If he can't or won't agree, then its time to walk away.

 

Easier said than done. It took me a long time to get to that point.

[pollywolly]

9Lives you are kinda where I am except my ex and I were only together for two months before he dumped me a month ago. Christmas Day we got together and decided on FWB. When he broke up with me, he sd he just wasn't ready for a serious relationship. He loves me still. I know he does and he will hit me up online out of the blue and say he misses me. But I cannot let myself get emotionally into this again, at least not more than I already am. And you can't either.

I, like you, am not even sure I want to get back into a relationship with him. I am a very jealous person and he has many girl-friends. He even had a date New Years Eve but was home and chatting with me online by 10pm. We stayed up chatting until Midnite. But no matter what, I cannot afford to ASSUME anything. As I have been advised by the wise folks on here, unless a man says it straight out, you can't read anything into his actions.

Good luck, Dear. Protect your heart.

[9Lives]

9Lives you are kinda where I am except my ex and I were only together for two months before he dumped me a month ago. Christmas Day we got together and decided on FWB. When he broke up with me, he sd he just wasn't ready for a serious relationship. He loves me still. I know he does and he will hit me up online out of the blue and say he misses me. But I cannot let myself get emotionally into this again, at least not more than I already am. And you can't either.

I, like you, am not even sure I want to get back into a relationship with him. I am a very jealous person and he has many girl-friends. He even had a date New Years Eve but was home and chatting with me online by 10pm. We stayed up chatting until Midnite. But no matter what, I cannot afford to ASSUME anything. As I have been advised by the wise folks on here, unless a man says it straight out, you can't read anything into his actions.

Good luck, Dear. Protect your heart.

 

yeah it is definately a slippery slope. I don't want to get emotionally tied in myself more than I am either. I have been keepin my distance to a certain extent. I need to meet a man who I like to keep me occupied...that is what will help.

 

yeah the good thing is that the people here have spared me a lot of grief...not all tho cause I still want to play. at least I know there is a strong chance it is not to change anything. maybe it will but maybe not.

 

I just plan to do what I do here and see other guys to keep from being caught up again. it is what it is

[9Lives]

Only if you do it on your terms. If he can't or won't agree, then its time to walk away.

 

Easier said than done. It took me a long time to get to that point.

 

that the part that is ugly..his terms...that is what will keep me moving forward...his terms aint in my best interest...

[Konfuzion]

I think unless he is willing to be with you and only you that you will end up getting hurt... However I envy you. I would do just about anything for one last sexual encounter with my ex knowing that it would be the last time.

[pollywolly]

Slippery slope it is...just this morning my ex/fwb said to me "u know i care about u" and "i feel really close to u"...I know all of that is true. But it was also true when he dumped me, so...WTH?! I wanted to say "Why are you telling me this? What is your problem?" but of course, I didn't. One thing is for sure, he is definitely having his cake and eating it too, right now. And, I am having a good time right now too, so I can't complain too much. The key is, I think, to get out while you still can, with your heart intact.

[9Lives]

Slippery slope it is...just this morning my ex/fwb said to me "u know i care about u" and "i feel really close to u"...I know all of that is true. But it was also true when he dumped me, so...WTH?! I wanted to say "Why are you telling me this? What is your problem?" but of course, I didn't. One thing is for sure, he is definitely having his cake and eating it too, right now. And, I am having a good time right now too, so I can't complain too much. The key is, I think, to get out while you still can, with your heart intact.

 

What you have to tell yourself over and over and over again is that this is not a relationship. FWB is not a relationship. If you can keep that in mind you will be fine. It really is not. So you have to keep dating and seeing other people because you want the whole package and it is not happening here. you dig?

[9Lives]

I think unless he is willing to be with you and only you that you will end up getting hurt... However I envy you. I would do just about anything for one last sexual encounter with my ex knowing that it would be the last time.

 

Yeah last night we had a good time. I blindfolded him and rubbed baby oil all over his body....I made it fun for myself.....FWB is not a relationship. It is just not so I try to keep that in mind.

[Charles1978]

Realting to my problem in my thread... which is worse: FWB before a relationship you really want, or FWB after a relationship? Interesting question, eh? But 9Lives... I agree... if he is going to do this to you... have fun with it. Make him do some crazy stuff that will make you laugh on the inside. Have fun, but try not to get hurt!

[BoerumHill]

Realting to my problem in my thread... which is worse: FWB before a relationship you really want, or FWB after a relationship? Interesting question, eh? But 9Lives... I agree... if he is going to do this to you... have fun with it. Make him do some crazy stuff that will make you laugh on the inside. Have fun, but try not to get hurt!

 

Yeah, I think this is pretty much the only good thing that can come out of FWB with an -ex.

 

I was FWB with my -ex of 6 years for a long time. She broke off our engagement (after the invitations were sent out). About 5 months later we hooked up. Did a yo-yo thing for probably 18-20 months....not even sure how many times we got back together (always as friends hanging out, never committed) only to break up again (almost always my decision - it was gut wrenching).

 

Overall it sucked. Have to say, though, while we were always pretty hot together, it kind of went to a new level when we were lovers only. No feelings involved (theoretically), so kind of an uninhibited no limits thing.

 

Have fun with it if you want, nothing wrong with that. Just remember it's about the physical pleasure, not so much about the connection/intimacy.

[pollywolly]

Yeah, I think this is pretty much the only good thing that can come out of FWB with an -ex.

 

I was FWB with my -ex of 6 years for a long time. She broke off our engagement (after the invitations were sent out). About 5 months later we hooked up. Did a yo-yo thing for probably 18-20 months....not even sure how many times we got back together (always as friends hanging out, never committed) only to break up again (almost always my decision - it was gut wrenching).

 

Overall it sucked. Have to say, though, while we were always pretty hot together, it kind of went to a new level when we were lovers only. No feelings involved (theoretically), so kind of an uninhibited no limits thing.

 

Have fun with it if you want, nothing wrong with that. Just remember it's about the physical pleasure, not so much about the connection/intimacy.

 

Wow! That is absolutely right...we were pretty hot when we were a couple but things have definitely reached a new level as FWB...hmmmm...maybe that is why he has been so love-ish.

[BoerumHill]

Wow! That is absolutely right...we were pretty hot when we were a couple but things have definitely reached a new level as FWB...hmmmm...maybe that is why he has been so love-ish.

 

Enjoy it for what it is then. Like I said, nothing wrong with having fun. It's funny...I think for most...how should I say this...for some conventional or normal folks, it's kind of the one time in your life where you have the freedom to be a complete freak. There is a comfort level because it is someone you once loved, still care about, and to some extent trust. So you can just let go and live in the moment.

 

Do all this with an understanding of two things, however.

1. It will never be the same, there ain't no going back and starting over, so don't do that to yourself - enjoy the moment, but don't linger on thoughts about what it means.
   
2. At the end of the day, all you are doing is delaying the inevitable end, and in doing so, you are delaying your own healing. I actually don't think this is the worst thing in the world, it is hard to move on...and when you are ready to, you will realize you are so much better for it.
   

I think this is an area where it's easy to sit in judgement and say you have to do this or you should be doing that or stop wha wha wha (sound of Charlie Brown's parents talking). You know, sometimes you just have to go through an experience, and you are not in a place where you are going to listen to well intentioned advice.

 

Anyway, lots of folks have gone down the FWB with an -ex path. Just go with the flow and live in the moment. In due time you'll move on.

[9Lives]

I would not call it really fun. there are fun times but it is far better to have the whole connection. I will admit the relationships when I wasn't too concerned were the ones that were the best. you really really can't control people. GOD doesn't control people so who are we to try. people do what they want.

 

but like some said 'sh.t happens' and I'm not going to punish myself by doing NC at this time in my life. I just know it aint a relationship...enjoy it while it last. hopefully I meet a man capable of lovin me completely and willing to invest all his love...like I said, I KNOW I deserve better. not going to forget that.