Charles1978 Posted January 8, 2009 Share Posted January 8, 2009 9Lives, I was just kidding with my comment. Not being able to have that emotional connction just wouldn't work with me either. You are doing the right thing. If there is one thing I have learned in my 30 years, it is this... when you think you'll never find love again... you find it. I don't know your age, but I think it should apply at all ages. You're doing the right thing. Link to post Share on other sites
pollywolly Posted January 10, 2009 Share Posted January 10, 2009 9Lives, I was just kidding with my comment. Not being able to have that emotional connction just wouldn't work with me either. You are doing the right thing. If there is one thing I have learned in my 30 years, it is this... when you think you'll never find love again... you find it. I don't know your age, but I think it should apply at all ages. You're doing the right thing. Quite right Charles. I was going through a divorce when I met this man; I had almost resolved to be alone till my kids were grown. So if this doesn't work out and it is not likely it will, I admit,then there will be someone else...for all of us. Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted January 10, 2009 Share Posted January 10, 2009 If you don't mind being used sexually and at HIS conveinace and you have no self respect for yourself than to give meaningless sex to someone who openly admits to talking to other girls , then have at it. It takes a LONG time to learn to love yourself again when you submit to meaningless sex with someone you are handing your body out to that does not love you or worship you . Get right . Get strong. End this asap. The pain will continue everytime you lay in his arms. Find someone who DOES want something special with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author 9Lives Posted January 14, 2009 Author Share Posted January 14, 2009 If you don't mind being used sexually and at HIS conveinace and you have no self respect for yourself than to give meaningless sex to someone who openly admits to talking to other girls , then have at it. It takes a LONG time to learn to love yourself again when you submit to meaningless sex with someone you are handing your body out to that does not love you or worship you . Get right . Get strong. End this asap. The pain will continue everytime you lay in his arms. Find someone who DOES want something special with you. Thanks for the feed back. I dont feel like I am being used cause I get something out of it myself too. We do things together. we dont just f/k. I f/k when I am ready too. It is not all about him. I just know that he is not committed to me. He hasnt told me that he is with other ladies, but I know. I know I cant do this for long but right now, I dont feel like being stressed out about not talking to him. I did it for a while and I was miserable. I cried all the time and life just seem so hard from the time I work up until the time I went to bed. Some times it is hard day with FWB too. I really dont like it but I have alot going on and I dont feel like carrying that heaviness inside all day long. It is not good to do FWB, i know that but like I said, I dont feel like stressing myself out about it. Eventually, I will get the strength to just be friends. It takes time. Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted January 14, 2009 Share Posted January 14, 2009 Thanks for the feed back. I dont feel like I am being used cause I get something out of it myself too. We do things together. we dont just f/k. I f/k when I am ready too. It is not all about him. I just know that he is not committed to me. He hasnt told me that he is with other ladies, but I know. I know I cant do this for long but right now, I dont feel like being stressed out about not talking to him. I did it for a while and I was miserable. I cried all the time and life just seem so hard from the time I work up until the time I went to bed. Some times it is hard day with FWB too. I really dont like it but I have alot going on and I dont feel like carrying that heaviness inside all day long. It is not good to do FWB, i know that but like I said, I dont feel like stressing myself out about it. Eventually, I will get the strength to just be friends. It takes time. You are in complete DENIAL . You ARE being used . I know its easy to say " Yeah the sex is great , he's a warm body next to mine , sure he doesn't stay around all night, but hey while I am confused its better than being alone " Trust me, his IS having sex with other ladies. Why ? Because he CAN. He has no boundaries or rules. If you like the idea that his vienna sausage has swaddled some other girls . Okay You have the NC blues because you don't STICK to it for the RIGHT reasons. You and only YOU can allow yoursel to be miserable while you have the no contact time. Sure its weird. Sure it hurts . But it is for YOU ! NO contact of ANY kind. You will wean away. The reason you cant is because you are addicted to something he does for your mind. No , you won't be friends. You aren't friends now. You are letting his use you sexually. When you end this , he won't be your friend. He will be what he is NOW . Someone using you with your permission. Link to post Share on other sites
Author 9Lives Posted January 15, 2009 Author Share Posted January 15, 2009 You are in complete DENIAL . You ARE being used . I know its easy to say " Yeah the sex is great , he's a warm body next to mine , sure he doesn't stay around all night, but hey while I am confused its better than being alone " Trust me, his IS having sex with other ladies. Why ? Because he CAN. He has no boundaries or rules. If you like the idea that his vienna sausage has swaddled some other girls . Okay You have the NC blues because you don't STICK to it for the RIGHT reasons. You and only YOU can allow yoursel to be miserable while you have the no contact time. Sure its weird. Sure it hurts . But it is for YOU ! NO contact of ANY kind. You will wean away. The reason you cant is because you are addicted to something he does for your mind. No , you won't be friends. You aren't friends now. You are letting his use you sexually. When you end this , he won't be your friend. He will be what he is NOW . Someone using you with your permission. well then we are using each other. like I said...it is not all sex. just like today, my car got a flat and he came and fixed it. he did not say no or call someone else..he came to my rescue and it took all day long....monday he cooked me dinner and changed the tail light on my car...It is not all sex...i think you are going to far...we work out together. we are marching in a parade together. so no this is not the entire relationship that I want but USED is a strong word to use to summarize my total connection to him. don't get me wrong..changes need to be made and they are significant.... but used....i don't think so. Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 well then we are using each other. like I said...it is not all sex. just like today, my car got a flat and he came and fixed it. he did not say no or call someone else..he came to my rescue and it took all day long....monday he cooked me dinner and changed the tail light on my car...It is not all sex...i think you are going to far...we work out together. we are marching in a parade together. so no this is not the entire relationship that I want but USED is a strong word to use to summarize my total connection to him. don't get me wrong..changes need to be made and they are significant.... but used....i don't think so. Why do you feel that you deserve anything less than 100% . ? Link to post Share on other sites
Author 9Lives Posted January 15, 2009 Author Share Posted January 15, 2009 Why do you feel that you deserve anything less than 100% . ? I KNOW I deserve 100%...no doubt in my mind. I will stop when I am ready and not so attached. I am in the middle of building a business and I cant have my emotions all worked up daily....it really affects my mindset. I know that cannot continue this long... it is not healty...i know that. I will do it Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 So what is the point? You ARE getting more emotionally attached to him and there's a big hurt around the corner waiting for you. 9, your feelings for him are alot deeper than you realize. Really soon you gotta end it and walk away, otherwise your heart is going to be broken. Link to post Share on other sites
Author 9Lives Posted January 16, 2009 Author Share Posted January 16, 2009 So what is the point? You ARE getting more emotionally attached to him and there's a big hurt around the corner waiting for you. 9, your feelings for him are alot deeper than you realize. Really soon you gotta end it and walk away, otherwise your heart is going to be broken. I believe you. I know I need to make a move. it is going to blow up in my face sooner or later. I know it is true. I will start working on it Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 19, 2009 Share Posted January 19, 2009 Put yourself first here 9! You're a wonderful woman and your ex doesn't deserve you! He won't care that much if he hurts you because he's all into HIMSELF. Remember why he is an ex. Do the list thing. Pro's/Con's..I am betting that the con's list is going to longer. Link to post Share on other sites
Charles1978 Posted January 19, 2009 Share Posted January 19, 2009 Yep! Good girls like you wasting time with bad situations reduces the chances of a guy like me finding the right one! But I understand where you're coming from. Just be careful. But why not go ahead and gently force a decision on his part? Like I told you before... there are nice ways to do this. Reduce your contact. Eventually he'll wonder what's up! That will be your chance to tell him about your fears in this situation. Your mind will be clear, and you never know... he might be willing to get back together. But as it is currently, nothing will change. You have a good mindset about this... I would be saying the same things. But after I hit that "submit reply" button, I'd be left with my true feelings, and it would eat me up too. Good luck though... it's not going to be easy. But, it might be! Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 19, 2009 Share Posted January 19, 2009 well then we are using each other. like I said...it is not all sex. just like today, my car got a flat and he came and fixed it. he did not say no or call someone else..he came to my rescue and it took all day long....monday he cooked me dinner and changed the tail light on my car...It is not all sex...i think you are going to far...we work out together. we are marching in a parade together. This is the 'friends' part. It would be a terrible thing to mistake this for more than it is. Affection, friendship - he cares for you, he just doesn't want to be your boyfriend. My ex did the same thing. He would work on my car, come visit me, I'd go visit him, we'd go shopping together, we would walk around holding hands, have great sex, spend time with his parents, etc. But... I will never, ever forget the last time I went up there to see him. We were going to the grocery store to get groceries to cook dinner, and then watch movies on the couch together. I asked him... "We are doing all of this stuff like we are still together. Do you think of me as a girlfriend still?" His answer... "No, I think of you as a really close friend who I can be physical with." I did not go back. That was when I closed the door, and let me tell you - it was painful at first, but with time I realized that it was infinitely more painful to stay with him. I don't want to be anyone's f*ck buddy that is a place holder until they find a 'real' girlfriend. Not him, not anyone. I'm worth more than that. And you know what? So are you. You just have to get to the place where you realize and believe that. Link to post Share on other sites
steveraves Posted January 19, 2009 Share Posted January 19, 2009 I think you need to try and remember that if he wasn't meeting your needs the first time around he probably won't meet your needs the 2nd time around. Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted January 20, 2009 Share Posted January 20, 2009 As I mentioned before : Good chemistry + Good Sex = does not equal a Relationship Good friendship+ Good times + Good Sex = does not equal a Relationship Caring guy + Great Oral skills + holidays together + good sex = does not equal a relationship. Only when the man sits you down and TELLS you he wants an exclusive monogamous relationship with only YOU then and only THEN do you have one. OP did you guys used to be bf and gf ? Or did you convince yourself because of ALL the above you were bf and gf ? Or did you both make it clear in the beginning and you could not do the FWB ? Link to post Share on other sites
Author 9Lives Posted January 20, 2009 Author Share Posted January 20, 2009 As I mentioned before : Good chemistry + Good Sex = does not equal a Relationship Good friendship+ Good times + Good Sex = does not equal a Relationship Caring guy + Great Oral skills + holidays together + good sex = does not equal a relationship. Only when the man sits you down and TELLS you he wants an exclusive monogamous relationship with only YOU then and only THEN do you have one. OP did you guys used to be bf and gf ? Or did you convince yourself because of ALL the above you were bf and gf ? Or did you both make it clear in the beginning and you could not do the FWB ? Gosh i f/cking know....damm yall get on my nerves!!!!! I still love yall...i know it is right. thanks Link to post Share on other sites
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