I wrote a "breakup" letter in response to his request for time off...IM saddd!!!

[IrishGirl]

I need help, I am so sad and confused about my situation. Here goes: My ex b/f is 27, I just turned 30. We've dated for 3 years and lived together 2 out of the 3 years and we've moved to 3 various states during these 3 years for his differnet job opportunities. This past year the strain of the moves really started and we broke up in May. HE broke up with me, rather after I questioned where this relationship was really headed.

 

I felt that nearling 30 and dating someone for nearly 3 years should indicate a bigger step. We obviously were head over heels in love. But I think that this topic freaked him out. When we finally broke up in may - I was severely devistated. I never felt so lost, alone and depressed in all my life. We both cried numerous times- we felt like we were losing a part of ourselves.

 

the summer was hard and (not the smartest thing) we continued to "hang out" and be intimate, though we were not "together". I went on several dates, he did not. He always seemed to get very angry and somehow involved when finding out about these dates (that really meant nothing, they were just first dates with several people) One person in particular - we clicked, really well. My ex b/f would come over late at night and buzz my door if my cell phone was off because he suspected I had a man over!! (can you believe that? I AM NOT that kind of girl)...

 

Just 3 weeks ago, my ex b/f came to me to say that he's made a big mistake letting me go and he wants to be with me again. Of course I fell for it - why wouldn't I , I love him! So I gently let down the other guy of 1 month and went back to my boyfriend. I got a shocker than when just this past Sunday my b/f came over to break up with me AGAIN. only 3 weeks into the "new-again relationship" He said something like he wants to date others to clarify his feelings for me because he needs to be sure before he proposes engagement to me. Once again - I feel exactly how I did in May. devestated, confused and really, really frustrated. He kept saying something about fate and that if we are meant to be, we will someday be together. he spent the night that night because I didn't want to be alone, the next morning he suggested we split for 1 month and talk at the end of october. This made me feel slightly better, but a little wary.

 

I compiled a letter in a very week moment last night and sent it via email to him today. It basically said that "why do you need to "decide" whether or not you want to be with me" and that I don't want to spend this next month agonizing over whether he is going to "want" me back or not....that's pure torture. , I said I love him dearly - but I must let him go. I'm scared of being hurt in the end of October. It's just that I have a sad feeling that he won't want me back...what will a month of dating others tell him, anyway? Don't you know someones right or wrong? what's to decide???? I'm confused and I feel like I made the biggest mistake of my life by sending this email. I have not yet heard from him. I'm not even sure he read it, but I am assuming he did because he checks his email numerous times a day. the letter was sweet, and sad and in no way mean. I mean, my mother read it and she cried she was so touched.

 

What do I do. I don't know what he would be thinking right now. I have to see him in a month anyway for a mutual friends wedding. Do you think he'll call? I am dying here. I think I did the wrong thing.

[jenny]

hmmm. ok, let's think this through.

 

first of all, don't obsess over the letter. what's done is done. if he responds to it, great. if not, well you can be proud you produced a letter that gracefully articulated your feelings.

 

second, objectively, this guy does not want what you want. all of his behaviours indicate a man who is unwilling, ever, to commit to you, but he does not want you to connect to other people. you appear to take some pleasure out of his disrupting your other dates, checking up on you, etc...but perhaps i misread you there. where i'm from, we call that pathetic semi-stalking.

 

in any event, you are not now getting what you want and you will not get what you want from this man. look at the track record. what is wrong with you that you would want a man who treated you this way? you must know that you deserve better than his sorry indecisiveness and manipulation.

 

if you are a masochist, then continue doing what you are doing now. if not, do this:

 

write a break-up to yourself about him. make it as beautiful as your other one- but use it to renew a commitment to yourself to only accept the best treatment from people. post it here if you'd like, i would love to read it. fine writing often comes from suffering.

 

 

cheers, sweeties, hang in there.

much luv and support,

jenny

[IrishGirl]

I am not a machochist (sp?)....I suppose I did get a little enjoyment in knowing that he was jealous...it was kind of - I don't know, flattering?

 

ANYWAY...We talked so many times about marriage, kids...We both knew we'd be there some day, but I think that me being obviously ready before he was put pressure on him. after we got back together things were so good...I was so happy, I thought he was too - we didn't fight, we did fun things - I felt like things were really working out and he dropped the bomb. This should tell me right now that we just aren't on the same page.

I hear your advice about writing a breakup letter to me about him - I will try to find time to do this, I am hurting so bad inside right now. I can't eat, sleep, concentrate on work...I miss him -

 

oh well. I suppose I just suck it up and deal with it. This sucks.

Does anyone out there believe in fate??? I'm not sure I do. I'm 30 years old, I totally and completely want children - my times running out, I'm afraid I won't meet anyone that I'm completely comfortable with as my ex-boyfriend...someone I can "click" with, I'm somewhat shy and a little on the self-conscious side. - Im so scared.

[Travelin Gal]

I so hate when women beat themselves up over their age and let that influence staying in a bad relationship. (having said that, I should point out that I did it too, so I know what you are thinking).

 

Your boyfriend, unfortunately, is obviously having doubts. You were justified in sending him your letter, and honestly, even if he reads it and calls up crying and begs you to come back, I'd be really wary about it. I know how hard it is to say that you're not interested anymore, especially when you've got that nagging, "but I'm 30 and I want kids!" thing in your mind. But after a while, you'll feel numb to him anyway. You can only put up with an on-again off-again boyfriend for so long before your emotions shut off. Don't even put yourself through it - cut it off now. Just be glad it didn't happen once you were married with kids...

 

Don't be scared about 30. I was 28 when I went through my last really, truly torturous breakup, and I remained single till 30. Then like two months after I turned 30, just when I had more or less resigned myself to being an eccentric cat lady, I met my husband.

 

But I never admitted my fears to anyone. If anyone ever asked me how I felt about turning 30 I always said "I improve with age! I love being 30."

Anyhow, we got married nine months after we met, this past May. So...anything can happen -- as long as you are not sitting at home weeping over this boyfriend. You'll have a much easier time without a red nose and bloodshot eyes! Hang in there.

[clia]

He said something like he wants to date others to clarify his feelings for me because he needs to be sure before he proposes engagement to me.

 

I'm sorry, but this is bull****. He has known you for three years. If he doesn't know by now, he's a moron.

 

If I were you, I would gracefully, proudly, and with dignity, move on. Date other men. Deal with the hurt. You'll be fine. When and if he calls a the end of October, quietly, gracefully, and with dignity, ignore him. He has broken up with you twice now. How many more times are you going to let him treat you this way? He is not the man of your dreams, nor are you the girl of his dreams, at least from what I can see. (I know this hurts.)

 

Screw him. You can do so much better...

[IrishGirl]

Hi folks

I haven't heard from him yet. I mean - it's only really been 4 days. I don't expect to hear from him...I want to , but I don't expect it. I hope he is going crazy trying to figure out things.

I don't know how to get through the next month. I will see him oct. 25th at the wedding and man will it be awkward...I don't want that at what should be a FUN day! you know?

this is the hardest thing I ever went through. the more I think about my letter I wrote to him, the more I regret it. I mean, it shows that I'm not even giving him a chance to make choices, I don't trust his need to figure things out. I feel like I was impatient and I sent it out of saddness and anger and my emotions were all too much...I should have waited a week to calm down and I woudn't have sent it at all. I said in the letter that I've made up my mind to let him go.....and I'm not ready to let go. I relied too much on what friends "pushed" me to do. they don't know the situation. some of them have never been in serious relationships.

I'm so scared to start all over. To let another person into my life, how to feel comfortable with another person (if it ever happens....ugh), My boyfriend knew me inside and out, he accepted me the way I was, all my flaws - I did the same for him. I'm just so scared.

Maybe I should meet up with him say, the days before this wedding to get the awkwardness out of the way on that wedding day. I don't know - to "catch up" I guess.

What do you guys think out there.

[clia]

The feelings of regret you are having over the e-mail are perfectly normal. You’ve had days to think about it and the repercussions, and aren’t happy about having to find someone new. But I still think you did the right thing. You really have no idea what he is doing right now—he may be out dating other women or be out having fun, and thinking about his confusion may be the last thing on his mind. He may have already moved on. Who knows? So there is no point in beating yourself up about the past. And there’s no point in being scared about the future. That’s a normal feeling also. (Congratulations, you are going through normal break up feelings!) You can and will find someone else.

 

As far as the wedding, I don’t think you should contact him prior. When you see him at the wedding, say “hello” and leave it at that. Don’t cry, get upset, or launch into long discussions about the two of you. Just say “hello” and walk away. Let him come to you if he wants to talk.

[IrishGirl]

Hi those of you who've read my posts.

My (ex) boyfriend shocked me today by out of the blue calling me at work. It's been a week since I've sent the letter saying that After 2 breakups (from him) I must let him go and I regretted sending this letter....

well - he called me at work, I cried I was so happy to hear his sweet sweet voice. he didn't really say anything and I said "I didn't want to send the letter" and he said "I know" and then he said he hasn't responded to my letter or anything because he's in the middle of a letter to me. he said it's pretty long and he called because he didn't want me going crazy. So....I suppose I'm expecting a long, sad, sad, sad letter in the mail soon and I'm not looking forward to it.

I asked him "will it make me sad?" and he said "I HOPE NOT!"

 

well, what other kind of letter could it be.

 

then it was small talk, "how are you?, what's you been doing?, hows work, hows work yourself? have a good day, have a good day."

 

I emailed him back to say thanks for calling, about the marathon I'm running in a week, (hoping he'll show support), and how I hope he finds the time to care for himself, and focus's on himself and what he needs for HIS future.

love, me.

 

thoughts?

[IrishGirl]

hi follks,

update on my situation (read ALL the way at the beginning if you have time)

I couldn't take it, the breakup - the loneliness and sadness..., and unexpectedly, my bf called me at work and said he's in process of writing a letter.

He also called me a week and a half after (still no letter) and asked me some off the wall question, that sounded like an excuse just to call.

I then went running last night and saw him working out with a mutual friend, and i had already run 10 miles so I asked him for a ride home.

he gave me a a ride home, said that he's still on page #4 of his "letter"...said it was good to see me, and that I should make plans for dinner next week with some mutual married friends of ours. I told him he has the most beautiful eyes, I love his hands and that he always made me feel safe...protected.

 

he said he'll be at the finish line of my marathon run this sunday.

he dropped me off at around 6:30pm. At 10;30 pm he called my phone and said he's sorry if he acted "cold" towards me. I said "no, you didn't act cold" we said good night and sweet dreams.

 

anyone make anything out of his sudden behaivor?

[amerikajin]

IrishGirl,

 

Coming from a man's perspective on this one, I think your boyfriend is frankly unsure of what he wants. He's young. He's confused. He probably does have strong feelings before, but there might be a part of him wondering what it would be like to go out and date again or to have a few more flings, or what it would be like to be "free". Commitment probably has him feeling some pressure, which is not a defense of him or his actions. Honestly, I don't think he means you harm, but I do think the longer you play this game with him the more harm he's going to cause. He's thinking of his interests, not yours.

 

That's why you have to think about your interests. You have a right to know where he stands, but before that, you have to know exactly where you stand. Do you want marriage? Do you want to marry him? How long are you willing to wait? I admit I don't know the details of your situation, but after three years I think it's usually time to sh-t or get off the pot. That doesn't mean you have to get married in three years, but you start planning it, start working toward that mutual goal of a life together.

 

It seems as though the problem is this guy keeps setting up obstacles or reasons to delay. In some cases there's a valid reason, such as when one of you is trying to accomplish an individual goal like finishing grad school or something of that nature. And I think to some extent, a good partner understands that and is supportive. But if someone's just setting up these roadblocks just because they "need more time" or to "think about it," well, I am afraid that represents a dilemma. After three years, a person has had time to think about what they want.

 

If you want to get to the bottom of this, then I suggest the direct approach. Don't be a witch, but just make it plain that you can't wait around forever. You have a life to live, and if he can't understand that and be man enough to make a commitment, then I think you have to tell him to hit the road. And this time, it has to be final. It hurts, but you'll get past the pain.

 

I have a little insight into how your man is feeling right now because I was in the same sitaution a few years ago (I've written ad nauseam about it lately, I guess). Part of me wasn't sure we would work for a number of reasons. Part of me wondered whether or not she was really the one that I'd waited for all my life. Things finally came to a head and I just proposed that maybe we call our wedding plans off...and we did. And it hurt like hell. I was depressed for the better part of a year, but I got over it. And I agree with the others here: don't let being 30 worry you. Lots of beautiful women over thirty. I'm 29 and usually prefer women a few years older than I am. Felt the same when I was 25-28.

[IrishGirl]

Thank you.

 

I want marriage, I want kids...I was all of that. I am ready for it at anytime. I knew he was the one until he pulled all this **** on me.

I want all of that (above)I would be willing to be engaged or continue to date for 3 years or so before any of that happens. I've tried to explain this to him, but he doesn't get it. He thinks you need to be financially SECURE..have a home, all that material stuff before you make the jump. He doesn't get that one of the best parts of being together is working towards that stuff TOGETHER. No one starts off (well most of the population) with everything right away. He thinks that once you propose, you get married in a year. I've tried to explain. He doesn't get it.

I've been trying to move on - but he's always on my mind. I see him all the time because we share the same big group of friends. My mother and family want it to work. I don't know how his family feels, but I know they loved me.

it's so stupid. I told myself many years ago never to date anyone younger than me. I should have listened to my own advice otherwise I wouldn't be in this damn confusing mess.

[Amerikajin]

Based on what you've written, I have to agree with you. He doesn't get it. You're absolutely right about "making it" together. Unless we inherit an estate from a rich Unlce Louie, we have to work to get there. How long does he expect to wait before making it? Five years? Ten? Can you really wait that long? You'd be in your mid thirties - not old, but older than you are now obviously. He wants you to sit around while HE flips and flops about what HE wants. He's been really leisurely about trying to make some big decisions, but he's not just wasting his time, he's wasting yours. No wonder women date older men.

 

I know it sounds like I'm telling you dump him. I'm not necessarily saying that. I'm just telling you it's time to cut through the bullsh*t once and for all, and you have to work up enough strength to get to that point yourself so that you can tell him what's up. Men typically don't like ultimatums, but there comes a point when you have to say, in a nice way, "tough sh*t." It's not fair to you that he's making you sit in limbo, is it?

[wiseluv34]

I've read all of your columns, and I advise you to keep the faith, trust and believe that if you and your ex are meant to be, then it'll happen...at the RIGHT time.

but for now, if i were you...i'd move on and protect my own feelings. i'm in a sort of similiar situation, men are afraid of commitments! and age don't make a damn difference. but, when a guy (like your situation), comes into your life and leaves numerous times...then YOU have to decide what's most important, either it's your feelings or his. and since he requested to date other women, i'd suggest for you to stop waiting on this guy, and meet other men. who knows? you might just meet a guy who wants exactly what YOU want! b/c it sounds to me, that your ex is confused big time, you need to let him go....so he can FIND himself. b/c with you in the picture, he never will decide what he wants. you 2 need real time apart, and if it's real love..then it'll find it's way back home.

peace! (be smart, protect your own feelings)