Is this friendship "wrong"?

[Unbound]

Hi all.

 

Need some opinions. I have been corresponding with a (male) friend of mine for quite some time now. We met online over a hobby we both have. He is older than me and we live in different countries. We have never spoken over the phone, we don't even know what each other looks like.

 

So my question would be, is it appropriate for this to be going on when I have a boyfriend? I will be upfront, my bf is not aware that I email this other guy. Nothing even remotely inappropriate has ever been expressed between us, we are friends as far as we are both concerned. We are in contact every few days, sometimes more and sometimes less. But I know my boyfriend if he found out will be uncomfortable with this and will ask me to stop contact, I obviously do not wish to do that and so have not informed him of the friendship.

 

Like I said, this guy is a friend and one I would like to keep in my life. All I know is that with him my thoughts and feelings are always valid and he treats me as an equal. Most people I know try to put me in this little dumb off with the fairies category because I live very much so inside my head. It's just nice to have one person that doesn't judge what I say, that will listen to what I need to get off my chest. Most of the time it isn't very serious stuff, just the usual what we are doing day to day. But sometimes when I need to discuss something I'll send him an email or vice versa.

 

So thank you for reading, I look forward to your opinions.

[alone2night]

There is nothing inappropriate about having online male friends. Some questions you didn't answer though was is this a friend you made before or after your boyfriend came into the picture. If the friend is really just a friend that you share a hobby or two in common with, why do you see a need to hide him from your boyfriend? When you hide something from one person and the other finds out it only makes matters worse as the boyfriend/girlfriend will think more was happening with him/her then you let be known and will begin to also wonder what else you have been hiding from him.

[carhill]

Two key things...

 

Prioritize your relationship. Neutralize gender. If this online friend were a woman, would you "hide" her from your BF?

 

Get your primary needs met in your relationship. If your BF can't meet your needs or belittles you for "living in your head", dump him and be alone. Be sure to clearly communicate those needs. Men can't read your mind.

 

FWIW, my wife has numerous male "online friends" related to her interests. It's normal. I know about them. We talk about them. I'll never be sure if I know about all of them, but that doesn't (and never did) matter to me. I can't control her. Personally, I worry more about the female ones, because those are the ones who influence her

 

Anyway, talk to your BF about this. Disclose. If the things you're talking about with your online friend aren't comfortably discussed with your BF, then you're with the wrong man, IMO.

[Unbound]

There is nothing inappropriate about having online male friends. Some questions you didn't answer though was is this a friend you made before or after your boyfriend came into the picture. If the friend is really just a friend that you share a hobby or two in common with, why do you see a need to hide him from your boyfriend? When you hide something from one person and the other finds out it only makes matters worse as the boyfriend/girlfriend will think more was happening with him/her then you let be known and will begin to also wonder what else you have been hiding from him.

 

Our friendship began about 2 years into my relationship. I'm not quite so sure how it ended up becoming this secret. I guess my bf and I were having a hard time of it, some issues were around, and I knew he would get annoyed and demand I stop emailing this guy. I did not want to do so seeing as he was someone I could talk to about said issues, an independent third party so to speak. Now it's has gotten to the point where if I tell my bf about him he'll make out as if I was having some sort of emotional affair with him, because I kept it from him for so long.

 

Is it technically an EA? I don't think it is but I'd welcome the opinion. Maybe I'm fooling myself, I mean, we give each other advice and are in close contact but like I said, nothing inappropriate has taken place during our emails with the exception of the secrecy of course.

 

It's hard, I don't want to come clean because I despise confrontation but I also don't like keeping it a secret. This sucks because this is also the kind of thing I would go to my email buddy for! It's a bit odd speaking with him about it though.

[Unbound]

Two key things...

 

Prioritize your relationship. Neutralize gender. If this online friend were a woman, would you "hide" her from your BF?

 

Get your primary needs met in your relationship. If your BF can't meet your needs or belittles you for "living in your head", dump him and be alone. Be sure to clearly communicate those needs. Men can't read your mind.

 

FWIW, my wife has numerous male "online friends" related to her interests. It's normal. I know about them. We talk about them. I'll never be sure if I know about all of them, but that doesn't (and never did) matter to me. I can't control her. Personally, I worry more about the female ones, because those are the ones who influence her

 

Anyway, talk to your BF about this. Disclose. If the things you're talking about with your online friend aren't comfortably discussed with your BF, then you're with the wrong man, IMO.

 

You're right, I would not keep it a secret from him if this guy was female.

 

I will disclose that my bf was once unfaithful to me. It was a kiss and I forgave him but it was hard. This happened in the first few months of our relationship. A time when trust and respect are built in my opinion. I'm not blaming him for this, this was my mistake, my choice, but I think from then on there has always been this huge flaw in our relationship that we don't communicate well and rather than have a confrontation we will hide things. I was so jealous of him and any female friend of his during the year or so after that, it was gut wrenching. He broke up with me quite a few times in the next year after that and I fought for our relationship. I was convinced I wanted only him. Eventually though I lost that fight in me. My heart got sick of being stomped on I guess.

 

And yes I stayed with him. And I stopped giving him all of me. My heart, my mind. And strangely enough we started to get along better and my jealousy issues melted away. Some days he comforts me and I feel love for him. Then others he reminds me that this relationship probably has an expiry and I want out. But I cannot imagine not having him in my life because he has been there for so long. I love waking up next to him, having sex with him and even just cooking him breakfast or doing the shopping together. I want him gone and I want him here. I want to go out and see the world and I want to keep him close to me. I am so seriously selfish for not letting him go but I also know I could be making the biggest mistake of my life by letting him go.

 

And all of this my friend gets. He calms me down by discussing things rationally when I'm going crazy. He gets how to deal with me I guess. I can't lose that. This is giving me a headache.

[carhill]

It might help to know how old you and your BF are, generally, and how long in total you've been in a relationship with your BF.....

 

Generally, in opinion borne out here on LS, it is less appropriate to have opposite sex friends gained after a LTR or marriage, rather than prior. IOW, and I'm not saying I agree with this but it appears to be the general sentiment, opposite-sex friends you bring to the relationship are OK, but it appears ill advised to gain new ones after. Your situation bears this out.

 

If you were disclosed to your BF and sharing only topical issues, like your hobby, that would be one thing. Perhaps a good barometer would be to consider how you would feel if your BF had a platonic female friend (yes, I will ignore his unfaithful past behavior here, as it is the past) and he shared issues with her and got independent third-party advice from her about his relationship with you.

 

LS'ers call such interactions emotional affairs, mainly because of the relationship issues being discussed with the opposite-sex third party and the fact that the relevant partner isn't disclosed. I think our psychologist more correctly identifies them as "inappropriate emotional attachments", which neutralizes the sexuality component, since such attachments can exist between same-sex individuals as well.

 

Did you and your BF ever have counseling after his affair?

[Mary3]

I think you truly like this man * as a friend * and gain alot of insight and have respect for him because he does not belittle you and accepts you just as you are...Sounds like a real friend to me

 

Now of course if you are way deep with him beyond like brotherly love and wish to see him and crave his emails then perhaps you are headed for an emotional affair. It sounds like BF does not meet all your needs so you seek them outside. Not to say thats exactly healthy for your relationship. Sometimes damage is born and irreversable...

[Matt78]

I think that you need to tell you boyfriend about it for the sake of the relationship. If you don't, then you will be fighting this battle for a long time with yourself. You should tell you bf that you have hidden it from him, but not on purpose. Disclose everything, and tell him he can read the emails if he wants. (if you don't feel like he should read them, then this may be a red-flag for the online friendship!) tell him the truth and tell him that you really don't want to end the friendship. Point out how bad you feel and how it hasn't affected your relationship with him (bf). If he really cares for you, he won't dictate who you're friend with. Sure he might be angry, and that may be a natural reaction. But after he cools down, I don't see a rational issue with it (given the description you gave).

 

That being said, you may find this is the deal-breaker. If you can't be honest with each other, it's not a healthy relationship. It's not fair for one partner to control another in any situation (without the expess consent of the controled).

 

I would recommend, too, you get counseling for not only you and your bf, but also yourself. Sounds like you have some attachment or confidence issues, given the reasons you state for staying with your bf. You clearly have issues with the relationship, otherwise you wouldn't have asked.

 

How you go about talking to him could be face to face, but I've found written correspondance fulfilling. It gives you time to craft how you want to say things and it eliminates being interrupted and knee-jerk responses. I knew one person who used this method exclusively when problems arose, and demanded a written response. No verbal was allowed. It worked for them, but you may be different. Just a suggestion.

[Trimmer]

I would be concerned about the combination of these two factors:

About the boyfriend:

...I fought for our relationship....Eventually though I lost that fight in me....

 

...And I stopped giving him all of me. My heart, my mind.

 

and about the male friend:

All I know is that with him my thoughts and feelings are always valid and he treats me as an equal.... It's just nice to have one person that doesn't judge what I say, that will listen to what I need to get off my chest.

 

It just sounds like you are filling some very important holes - which should be fulfilled within your primary relationship - with this outside man. I think that only exacerbates the problems in your relationship, or at best, it allows your current relationship to stagnate in its crippled state.

 

And clearly, the secrecy is a problem from which the whole thing could unravel.

[wav]

We have never spoken over the phone, we don't even know what each other looks like.

 

how do you know what he said are true or not?

[Jada]

It's harmless, keep it to yourself won't hurt anyone.

[Cherrybomb]

Your boyfriend should trust you and support you. If he doesn't, you shouldn't be with him. I guess it kind of depends on how serious you two are. At some point I think you should tell him about this guy. However, if you ever develop any intimate feelings for your e-mail friend, then this is definitely trouble. A completely platonic friendship should be fine and your boyfriend should understand this. I'm not a big fan of keeping secrets from significant others.

[birdie]

sorry but this is blown out of all proportion

 

a lot of us chat on facebook for example with our mates and I can't imagine a situation where I would go through every single one to explain to my SO who they are. I understand this thread is about one particular person but does your boyfriend know every single one of your friends? I'm guessing not. what's the deal about this one?

 

I seem to read in messages on LS that people think their SO should be the beginning and end for them, ie talking to them about everything, getting all the emotional support from them etc. I think that's claustrophobic and unhealthy and I can't even begin to imagine what 'inappropriate emotional attachement' is but I'm going to start a thread about it to find out.

[Citizen Erased]

It's harmless, keep it to yourself won't hurt anyone.

 

I am curious as to how you think it is harmless.

[carhill]

I can't even begin to imagine what 'inappropriate emotional attachement' is but I'm going to start a thread about it to find out.

 

No need. Covered extensively already. You can choose to agree with the characterization or not. I'll simplify.

 

Such an attachment is one which, if your primary committed partner were disclosed all details of, would consider or feel the relationship "inappropriate" or injurious to the primary relationship. Further, if the attachment is "prioritized" (this means the person puts the friendship/attachment at a higher priority than that with their SO/spouse/partner), it is deemed "inappropriate".

 

A person can have an inappropriate emotional attachment to their job, as one example of a non-sexual version of the rule.

 

Remember, the rule only applies if one is in an expressed committed relationship. If you're single, have a blast If you're not, work it out with your partner or end the relationship.

 

A real obvious example often seen on LS are postings by WS who are commenting almost entirely on their "relationship" with the OM/OW and barely mentioning or omitting entirely the BS in their postings. They have, by the mere focus of their time and attention and words, "prioritized" their affair over their marriage/partnership. The same thing can (and does) happen with "friends".

[D-Lish]

Two key things...

 

Prioritize your relationship. Neutralize gender. If this online friend were a woman, would you "hide" her from your BF?

 

 

I probably would actually...

 

I met a girl from LS when I first came here. We bonded and kept in touch and eventually she came for a visit and stayed with me for a few days. I told everyone, including my bf at the time that we had met on vacation in Mexico. We just didn't want people to think it was strange to develop a friendship over the net.

 

We still keep in touch- she's great fun.

[lovesparis]

i think you need to tell your bf.

 

plain and simple.

 

tell him you've been communicating w/ an online friend for quite sometime and that you realized you've never mentioned the friend to him, but that it wasn't on purpose. tell him you want to keep an open and honest line of communication with him and answer any questions he has and let him see the msgs if he wishes. if you are deleting any msgs before letting him read them, or feel uncomfortable with him reading them, then it's probably more than you're letting yourself believe.

 

 

btdt

[Citizen Erased]

i think you need to tell your bf.

 

plain and simple.

 

tell him you've been communicating w/ an online friend for quite sometime and that you realized you've never mentioned the friend to him, but that it wasn't on purpose. tell him you want to keep an open and honest line of communication with him and answer any questions he has and let him see the msgs if he wishes. if you are deleting any msgs before letting him read them, or feel uncomfortable with him reading them, then it's probably more than you're letting yourself believe.

 

 

btdt

 

Hmn I don't know about that. I have plenty of emails I would never show my boyfriend but I'm certainly not carrying on any EA. Most of them from people I've met on here. Especially if they were discussing my relationship with him.

 

I'd bet that Unbound's boyfriend would be more likely to break up with her than let her continue on emailing another man. Which is exactly why she has kept this hidden. I also think she has some feelings for this guy she is emailing. She won't even accept the easiest solution - stop emailing the other man. If she wasn't so emotionally attached to him she wouldn't find it that hard a thing to do...If this guy expressed an interest in meeting her and starting something between them, would she jump at the chance?