Wife is leaving me for a fling

[Searching49]

[COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]I'm 26 years old and married to the woman I thought was the girl of my dreams. We were together for 5 years before we were married. We both work and have very well paying jobs. We bought a large house together two years ago which is now “upside down”. She took a vacation in July 2008 with some girlfriends to visit her sister in Colorado. She was battling some depression before that, but when she came back she was a completely different person and completely uninterested in me. In early September she gave me a letter that said she has had many things on her mind for years, doesn’t think we have enough in common, and needs someone who is “adventurous” and doesn’t think that person is me. That night I slept in our downstairs bedroom, but was going up at 2am to talk her about everything. To my surprise she was still on the phone so I listened in. She was talking to another man about how they had made out and held hands in Colorado and how “everything was perfect”. She was also planning another trip back to Colorado in November and that they could “make out and see what comes naturally”. I went upstairs and confronted her about it and have received very little since then. All she can say is that she is sorry, she just doesn’t feel in love with me, and hasn’t for years (but she bought a house with me and married me anyway thinking that feeling would go away). The phone records confirmed that these hour long conversations were going on daily for those two months and that they continue to this day. She has promised she would stop talking to him three times now, but has not done so. We have gone to counseling but she wouldn't really open up and would just make empty promises and she has refused to go back. She did cancel her November trip, but they have still continued to call each other. She hasn't slept with him yet because he lives in Colorado and we live in a house together, but she said she is moving out in February (she's asleep upstairs now in separate room) and I know it is coming. I'm not sure what kind of hole that will tear in me, but I know it won’t feel good. She also claims that she needs space to figure out what she wants in life, but I’m seeing that as a ruse that she just wants to sleep with him without me finding out. She says that their relationship isn’t like that and he is just a friend, but I believe otherwise and that it will quickly progress back to where it was when she moves out. I also overheard another conversation last night in which all I heard was “If you want to”. I can only imagine what the question was. I’ve done everything I could to save this. I definitely had my faults as well by neglecting her, but I’ve gone above and beyond to show that she is all that matters to me and I’ve never strayed from our marriage. Even though we spent a lot of time apart, I always thought our core love and relationship was as strong as ever. I was the husband that bought flowers for no reason at all, and would lavish her with gifts, so my neglect was not absolute. I may be 26 and have most of my life in front of me, but I'm still crushed by the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and feeling very lost and alone. The perfect life that I thought I so much deserved has come crashing down. 8-12 months ago we were talking about starting to try for kids in November. I just don’t understand how she can now say that was all a lie. We were the couple that every one of our friends was jealous of and wanted to be. I’m a very loving, kind, funny, and good looking guy with everything going for me in life. Except now for the person I wanted to share that life with, and I’m watching her drift away from me as I write this. All she can say is that she is sorry and that I deserve better than her. The next few years that I thought would be my happiest in life will certainly now be the darkest. Any help and support that anyone can provide would be greatly appreciated.[/FONT][/COLOR]

[pelicanpreacher]

You've got much bigger fish to fry then worrying about the loss of your WW! You've got a house that you're upside down in and if you do not take appropriate steps you could end up devestating your credit for up to 7 years. Our financial times require a credit score of 720 to secure housing, get a job, a car, etc... You need to sit her down and discuss the realities of this situation so that you don't get burned by her callous disregard for the sanctity of your marriage and the financial entanglements you incurred on her behalf. It is very likely that you will have to convince the lender of your need to short sell the home and what assets the both of you have in tow to cover the loss differential. If that means liquidating stocks and retirement then that is the bullet you and your wife will have to bite to facilitate this.

 

Do not let her go running off down the road before you get this straightened out or you might be left holding the bag for something your wife caused that could sink your credit and kill your opportunity to get back on your feet quickly again! Right now you'll have to suppress the grieving process for later until you get this done.

 

Good luck!

[carhill]

OP, talk to a lawyer and contact your mortgage servicer to find out how late you have to be to get into their distressed homeowner program (part of the government's bailout plan). There's a legally viable scenario for every situation. Knowing your options will help you emotionally. That may sound backwards (focusing on negatives) but I can tell you it does work. The process gives you confidence. Also, consider seeing an IC to help with tools to manage the affair/divorce dynamic. Tools are a good thing

[Searching49]

I've actually already talked to a lawyer who stated that she has a legal obligation to pay her half of the mortgage even if she continues to not live there. But, I didn't buy a 4 bedroom house in the suburbs to live in it by myself. We were supposed to raise a family here. I'm not as concerned for the house and making payments at this point as I am looking for emotional support. I probably should have left out the upside down thing since thats not the advice I'm looking for.

[pelicanpreacher]

The FHA Secure Mortgage would apply for your situation but you would have to already be with a participating lender that would have to agree to forebear or forego the cost of the loss differential in favor of refinancing the home to what I believe to be a maximum of 90% LTV. Carhill is correct in that you must speak to your lender but even at the foreshortened principle balance you will have to qualify based upon your income alone to secure approval since you can no longer count on your wife's income any longer.

[Sands_of_time]

Hang in there S49. It busts me up inside knowing that I've seen part of the road you might be heading down. The other posters have good advice (even though it's the last thing on your mind). If she is telling you she needs to find herself and she needs space she is already experiencing those "addictive" feelings of lust for this new person. It's like a drug and no matter what you say to her, what you do for her it's not going to be the right thing. I just read a good ebook called women's infidelity. I'll look for it and re-post for you. The insight it gives you for your WS is invaluable. Hang on tight, keep your eyes open and keep your emotions in check.

[pelicanpreacher]

To better help you understand what is happening I'd like to suggest that you consider looking at the following website called http://www.womensinfidelity.com/ If you can, order the book and read it while having your wife read it as well. At the very least she owes you an honest explanation and assessment of why she's done 180 degrees in her commitment to your marriage. You should also visit the marriagebuilder's website to get additonal information on what you can do to stop this affair in its tracks if its not too late!

[Sands_of_time]

Hang in there S49. I just read a good ebook called women's infidelity. I'll look for it and re-post for you. The insight it gives you for your WS is invaluable. Hang on tight, keep your eyes open and keep your emotions in check.

 

This is courtesy of Sumdude...he's been down this road too and may post in here for you. [COLOR=#660000]http://www.womensinfidelity.com/[/COLOR] Lots of us here know what you are experiencing so hang in there.

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[carhill]

I'm not as concerned for the house and making payments at this point as I am looking for emotional support.

 

Encouraging people to explore their options is emotional support It means that we recognize that you're not impotent here, even if you might feel that way right now. The house is a "sign". There are others. If you need a hug, get one from a friend IRL. Sorry, but we can't effectively give those though we often try.

 

IME, the only thing which gets through to women in these situations is a hard line. Taking away the comfort zone their "man" provided them unconditionally. They hate us for doing it but sometimes that hate grows into respect and a new relationship can be built upon that. Anything else is just SOP and they go about feeding their egos as normal. Do you like this "normal"?

[Gunny376]

What Carhill "PP" are trying to say is that you think your in a mess with the wife moving out and her EA with the OM in CO, wait until she moves out and your stuck with the martial debts ALONE, that you made based upon TWO incomes.

 

Once you find yourself its all downhill from there. Takes a "fool's advice" and from someone who's been there back before LS and the internet.

 

I would suggest you read the e-book "Women's Infedlity" (no its not free, but its cheap and well worth reading)

 

What I would suggest would be getting your affairs in order (finacially) for living and being single and alone. Tell the DW that if she moves out there's no coming back, reconcling and that you will file for divorce pronto.

 

I realize that flies counter to what you want to hear, but its the one and only thing that might actually work. Begging, pleading, "guilting" imploring ~ none of that works.

[sumdude]

Truly sorry this is happening.. emotionally it's one of the toughest things a person can go through. There's some truth to the old seven year itch.. sadly. All you can do at this point is take care of yourself. Phycically, emotionally and financially. You have one advantage a lot of us didn't have. Time to prepare, to get ahead of the game.

 

As much as it sucks, as much as you hurt you must find it within yourself to forge ahead. Win your own personal Oscar by acting as if you're just fine with her leaving, you don't need her anyway and you're ready to get the process started so that you too can find that next romance buzz for yourself.

 

You will have to find private time to really feel the pain but don't let her see you sweat it buddy.

 

Oh you'll have to fake it 'till you make it for a while but in the long run it will serve you well.

 

Don't get angry or argue.

Don't try to convince her to stay or anything of the sort.

When she sits there telling you how awful you've been etc etc just pretend she's that teacher voice from the old Peanuts cartoons. IOW justr listen, nod and don't react, defend yourself or anything.

Be all business, detach from her.

Get your personal business on order because you don't want to be sitting there a couple years down the road wishing you had done more.

Find outside interests, even if you don't feel like it.

Hang out with other women HOWEVER don't get into anything, just hang out with them.

 

 

Chances are high that this is it for your marriage (ouch, I know) so you might as well act that way.

[teerockness]

Here's the deal:

 

I will bet you every dollar in my wallet (and plus some) that begging, pleading, crying, admonishing, or whatever you're going to try to unleash on her to make her feel "back in love" with you will fail. Period.

 

Simply put, once there is another man in the picture, a woman enters an affair "fog". She's not thinking clearly or rationally - and if she's gone as far as to actually discuss plans for the future with another man while *you're in the house* then I think it's fair to say the ship may have sailed.

 

Not to mention begging, pleading, etc. makes you look even more unattractive relative to the other guy in the scene.

 

While some advocate for presenting two options - a Plan A and a Plan B - (go look it up) - I tend to feel that once a woman is conspiring to move on with another man and has probably already cheated, it's plan B all the way.

 

Plan B (roughly stated) - moving towards total separation and no contact with your spouse, with rigor. Simply put - she needs to make a choice - either work on the marriage - put the effort in - or move the hell out and let you get on with your life.

 

This is easier said than done, but I guarantee on further thought it will become easier. No offense, but she's treating your like sh** on her shoe right now. If you don't start moving on with your own life at some point, your mental health (and physical health) will start to suffer.

 

Finally, if it makes you feel any better, you're definitely still young. Also, as often seen on loveshack - it's not unusual for the affair fog to clear a few years later, once she realizes that the OM is a human being just like you - faults and warts and all - and that she walked on a marriage for a mirage. Of course, you'll be on to someone else by then and probably quite happy.

 

Hang tough brother.

[teerockness]

Just re-read post and saw that she's planning on moving out in February. Again, this may be hard to believe - but by the time she moves out you'll probably intensely dislike her and feel blessed that's she going.

 

Just my two cents. You'll be amazed how reality can shape your emotions.

[skinman]

Hang in there S49,

I know its tough man and all the emotions and feelings you have going through your head.. But belive me all the begging and pleading saying you'll change and all will do nothing but make you look weak in her eyes.. Take care of yourself get your finances together and do your best to always show her the man she married.. be tough and act as if it doesnt bother you at all.. you might not get her back but at least she will respect you more and it will show her that you can and will be fine without her..

 

you have read my story and hopefully learend from the mistakes that I have made. It does get easier brother so do your best to keep busy limit your thoughts about all thats going on.. (easier said than done) but you gotta try.. It will bring you down if you let it... Do your best friend to keep busy and post on here when you need to vent or a friend to listen..

 

Best wishes man... praying for you !

[Searching49]

Thank you all for the responses and words of wisdom. It's amazing how quickly and abruptly everything turned for the worse. I always thought we just had that relationship where everything was so easy for the two of us. I know she was happy with me even though she says otherwise, and I know she's making a huge mistake. From talking about starting a family to this in about a year is just beyond my comprehension. I'm conflicted between the extreme rage of her ultimate betrayal and the love of my life that was all too recent to forget. Since she is still in the house it is so hard not to reem her out when I'm fuming and reach out to her when I'm grieving. TRock, Carhill, and Sumdude, I know that you are right and I need to harden myself, and I know I'm strong enough person to do it in time. NFT and Sumdude, my jaw dropped at the link you sent me of womens infidelity. It was step by step what has occurred and we are about to be end phase 3 and full phase 4. Being married was supposed to be about having a person to turn to through all the joys and the difficult times in life. I took that vow a little over a year ago to be that person for her. Now I find that the person I thought I had to turn to is the very person that has turned my world inside out. She's so far from my wife right now that I barely recognize her. I've been dealing with the lies and deception for 6 months now, so I am starting to accept it. I always thought that good things happen to good people. I was a 25 year old homeowner with a great stable job and my wife at my side. Now I'm 26, my wife is leaving me for a 23yr old in Colorado (she's 28 BTW), and my house is a liability not an asset. It didn't matter when we planned on raising a family here. Now that painting is just all washed away and I'm going to have to clean up the mess...

[pelicanpreacher]

Searching, has your wife been typically controlling throughout your relationship?

[Searching49]

No she hasn't been controlling at all. We've both put our opinions out there, and I'm usually the one that gets my way. Typically though we would agree on something. I'm not a weak person by any stretch of the imagination. Just the thought of my wife leaving me for a 23 year old she has only known for a few hours has completely thrown me off. They just keep the phone calls going though, and I know it is a matter of time before they meet up and make it a full blown affair. In my eyes it really already is. The phone records of the last 6 months make me sick. She stopped for most of October and November, but he called right before thanksgiving and it opened up the floodgates again. Uh... sorry for the tangent...

[whichwayisup]

Once the affairyland fog ends, and the OM realizes WTF am I doing, and your wife says WTF am I doing, she'll wake up and try to come crawling back to you.. She has no idea what she's doing and that just shows how messed up her thinking is. She isn't the woman you fell inlove with and married..

 

Sorry you're in pain, please seek some counselling to help you cope with this if you can't manage on your own. In the meantime try to be around your immediate family and closest friends for support and ofcourse, this place as well.

[signedin2008]

Affairs survive on secrecy and the thrill that comes with it. Have you exposed the affair to ALL her family members and people whom she respect including her parents, sisters, brothers, etc. and ask them to be on your side and telling them that the affair is destroying your marriage. That would put her back into reality a little.

 

If you know who the OM is, expose on his end as well by telling people he respect that this OM is having an affair with your wife and destroying your family.

 

After some exposure and pressure from their family, the affair will soon no longer be that exciting and all roses and moon and it will be something nasty and taboo.

 

One more advice for you......EXPOSE and expose now. Not tomorrow, but now!!!

[pelicanpreacher]

Search, she sounds like she's regressing for she indicates a pattern of preference for younger and yet even younger men since she is older than both you and her new paramour. You assert that she is not at all controlling and that you seem to secure the upper hand most often when settling disputes which speaks to her level of maturity since she doesn't seem to have a psychological edge with you based upon her age advantage. If you had to critique your relationship, would you say that two of have you've achieved the parity of a true partnership or would you hazard that you maintain a more parent child relationship with you dominating the agenda?

[Searching49]

The whole thing has been exposed and she continues to talk to him anyway. Her parents think very highly of me and are very disappointed in her to say the least. Her sister that she went to visit in Colorado where the whole thing started also knows about it and is very upset with her and has also exposed some of the affair on his side. She and her sister were very close and this affair has definitely put a rift between them. Everything has been exposed. I'm limiting the exposure to friends of ours because my friends are basically the husbands/SOs of her friends. She has a much wider network of friends than I do, and my few friends are scattered across the country, but my friends all know. I don't know the OM as he lives in Colorado. I had first exposed everything on Thanksgiving after she said she didn't want to go with me to my parents and left to go to her parents house. I drove all night to her parent's house and exposed everything to her family when I got there. She then went up stairs and said she needed some time to collect her thoughts. She came down an hour later and said nothing but we slept in the same bed, so I took that as a good sign. I later found out that she spent that hour talking to the OM while I was sitting downstairs after professing my love to her and her parents. That was my turning point and realization that this couldn't be saved. I chose not to go home with her for Christmas. I later talked to her sister and the wife has said to her family that she didn't want to talk about us at all so they didn't. Her sister said she spent most of the time locked in her room which I found out and told her sister was mostly spent talking to the OM. I saw that she continued to talk to the OM and so I packed my clothes and moved into my aunt's house that sunday night. I then consulted a lawyer on Monday who told me to move back in as I was giving my wife exactly what she wanted. I moved back in the next night, I said I don't want to be separated or divorced, and she would have to leave me if she wanted to. A few days later we came up with the February 1st deadline. I think it is, and will only continue to be, quite nasty for her family, but in the end they are family and will stick together as they should. Her parents said they have also been losing sleep over everything and don't know what happened to her. They love me as a son and can certainly feel my pain. I do plan to say goodbye to them if she does choose to move out. Because if she moves out, I know it will be to be with the OM without me knowing and that will certainly end what is left of our marriage. Tonight we talked about plans for selling our house and making a list of our things to discuss who gets what later this week. I initiated the conversation and was very proud of myself for keeping it together and to business. I did end it with saying that this is still fixable until she moves out. Once she moves out it is completely over. I don't think it was weakness to say that, because it is true. I still love her even through the betrayal. If she can come to her senses stop this relationship with the OM, we might have a chance. If she moves out, then it is over and I will move on with my life. It will never be the same without her, but I will need to do what is right for myself at that point.

[Searching49]

Pelican,

I would say that the relationship is/was a true partnership. If I really thought I needed to put my foot down, I would, but she would also do the same.

[Mountains10]

Searching49,

 

Your story and mine are alike in that, well your wife went to Colorado, but mine went on a cruise. Both wives, when they came back said that same crap almost identically.

 

These people here know what they are talking about, it's almost a reverse of what seems to be the normal course of action. I'm here to tell you that begging, pleading, etc. DOES NOT WORK, period! Don't resort to any of those things if you can help it, I should know I still relapse a little back into that game. I'm not the best to give advice, but listen to the pro's on here, they know because while our stories are unique, a lot of the stories are almost identical. Hang in there and post often or anytime you need the help, we're in this boat right alone with you.

 

Mountains10

[Mountains10]

The whole thing has been exposed and she continues to talk to him anyway. Her parents think very highly of me and are very disappointed in her to say the least. Her sister that she went to visit in Colorado where the whole thing started also knows about it and is very upset with her and has also exposed some of the affair on his side. She and her sister were very close and this affair has definitely put a rift between them. Everything has been exposed. I'm limiting the exposure to friends of ours because my friends are basically the husbands/SOs of her friends. She has a much wider network of friends than I do, and my few friends are scattered across the country, but my friends all know. I don't know the OM as he lives in Colorado. I had first exposed everything on Thanksgiving after she said she didn't want to go with me to my parents and left to go to her parents house. I drove all night to her parent's house and exposed everything to her family when I got there. She then went up stairs and said she needed some time to collect her thoughts. She came down an hour later and said nothing but we slept in the same bed, so I took that as a good sign. I later found out that she spent that hour talking to the OM while I was sitting downstairs after professing my love to her and her parents. That was my turning point and realization that this couldn't be saved. I chose not to go home with her for Christmas. I later talked to her sister and the wife has said to her family that she didn't want to talk about us at all so they didn't. Her sister said she spent most of the time locked in her room which I found out and told her sister was mostly spent talking to the OM. I saw that she continued to talk to the OM and so I packed my clothes and moved into my aunt's house that sunday night. I then consulted a lawyer on Monday who told me to move back in as I was giving my wife exactly what she wanted. I moved back in the next night, I said I don't want to be separated or divorced, and she would have to leave me if she wanted to. A few days later we came up with the February 1st deadline. I think it is, and will only continue to be, quite nasty for her family, but in the end they are family and will stick together as they should. Her parents said they have also been losing sleep over everything and don't know what happened to her. They love me as a son and can certainly feel my pain. I do plan to say goodbye to them if she does choose to move out. Because if she moves out, I know it will be to be with the OM without me knowing and that will certainly end what is left of our marriage. Tonight we talked about plans for selling our house and making a list of our things to discuss who gets what later this week. I initiated the conversation and was very proud of myself for keeping it together and to business. I did end it with saying that this is still fixable until she moves out. Once she moves out it is completely over. I don't think it was weakness to say that, because it is true. I still love her even through the betrayal. If she can come to her senses stop this relationship with the OM, we might have a chance. If she moves out, then it is over and I will move on with my life. It will never be the same without her, but I will need to do what is right for myself at that point.

 

You say you don't know the OM, but can you look at her phone records, maybe for the cell phone, to figure out who he is? Someone has to know something. Is it possible he's married as well? If so, you need to expose to his wife or girlfriend as well. That will throw a wrench in things.

 

I really suggest you get over to marriagebuilders' website and read about 'Exposing the Affair'. Looking back, I see why it's important. You basically kill the secrecy that an affair thrives on, when you expose it. I half did the exposure, enough to throw a wrench in the affair that was taking place. She might hate you initially, but I guarantee it won't last long. Her affair won't seem so fun once everyone knows about it. You'll think you're crazy for doing it, and it might cause hard feelings, but you have to do what is right, you didn't ask to be put in this situation, but you can sure do something about it.

 

Hang in there!

[Searching49]

Mountains, let me rephrase. I know his name and what he looks like, but I don't know his family or his friends. He's just a 23yr old kid out of college that moved to Colorado with his brother cuz he likes to snowboard. Something my wife now is learning to do, has bought her own board and all. No wife, no girlfriend except now my wife.