Wife is leaving me for a fling

[Gowithflow]

Happens to the best of us buddy- It's not your fault.

I read your post about when you heard "if you want to". That may mean that the OM is traveling from CO to see her on her home turf.

Do not trust her. Assume the worst unless she proves otherwise. I know some would dissagree, but now is a perfect time to tap the phone.

Be glad you are still young and have no kids. The wife is mental. You just didn't know that side of her until now.

[lkjh]

Cut her loose and never speak to her again. Especially when the punk dumps her.

[Mountains10]

Happens to the best of us buddy- It's not your fault.

I read your post about when you heard "if you want to". That may mean that the OM is traveling from CO to see her on her home turf.

Do not trust her. Assume the worst unless she proves otherwise. I know some would dissagree, but now is a perfect time to tap the phone.

Be glad you are still young and have no kids. The wife is mental. You just didn't know that side of her until now.

 

Yeah, don't try to reason with her, it's almost as if she has been possessed by another being or an alien. Believe me, you can try in vain and accomplish nothing. I don't know if you're seeing the fog in her or not, but it's pretty common.

[Mountains10]

Mountains, let me rephrase. I know his name and what he looks like, but I don't know his family or his friends. He's just a 23yr old kid out of college that moved to Colorado with his brother cuz he likes to snowboard. Something my wife now is learning to do, has bought her own board and all. No wife, no girlfriend except now my wife.

 

I see, maybe his job perhaps. There's got to be someone you can expose it to I would imagine. It's pretty tough though considering he's not even in the same state.

[Gunny376]

When I was going through what you are now confronted with, my then wife to was having an EA/PA with a much younger man. She was 35 and he was 22.

 

He to was in the Marines, but only a couple ranks above a private, and incapable of finanically supporting a ready made family of three.

 

She was just "duty-station" ass, someone to mark time with and have sex with until he could get back state-side from overseas.

 

Sure as there are peaches in Ga. he told her he couldn't marry her because he had gotten his "girlfriend" pregno and he had to do "right" by his child and marry her. :laugh:

 

She proceded to look for first one, then another, then another and again another ~ all much younger than she and I, all of less social-economic status than I.

 

When she and I divorce, like you it devasted me. For years upon years I beat myself terriablly that I had failed her, our children, our marriage. I began to drank very hevely.

 

In hind-sight I should have gotten counseling, if not have gone and seen a pyscholgist. But back in those days, such would have been construed as mental weakness and defect and could potentially have been career ending for a Career Marine. It was acceptable to be a drunk if your marriage failed, just not go and seek help from a mental health provider.

 

This is not about you, what you have done, or didn't do! This is about her own insecurties about herself. Its about mental and emotional domminance in the relationship. She cannot exert mental / emotional "one-up-man-ship" over you, so she's gone and found someone with whom she can.

 

By her being 28 and his being 22, it re-inforces in her mind that she's still "got what it takes" to attract the attention of the young, hot studs and turn heads. More than likely she's vain about her apperance and looks. She's afraid of getting old, and "losing it" (her ability to turn heads and for men to find her attractive.)

 

She will always have this problem. Until she seeks the help a pyschologist to work thorugh her problems and issues about her apperance, her aging, her attractiveness, and her self image. She will always be looking for that younger guy that re-inforces in her mind that she still "has it"

 

The worse case of it I've seen was a 60 something year old that had three sons, and was married for forty years, out in the bars screwing any and everything that wore pants. She had been a HB10 (Hot Bade 10) in her youth, but couldn't handle getting older, putting on weight, getting bagger, wrinkles, etc.

 

The 22 year old in CO is ill prepared to handle her "issues" and its only a question of time before that relationship runs out of gas.

 

There's absolutely NOTHING you can do about this, because the problems and issues aren't about you, what you did or didn't do, theiy're internal problems within herself. And until she gets professional help to resolved those internal issues she will constantly re-bound from one relationship to another seeking external validation for an internal problem from another

 

She's crazy for leaving ~ but Man? Just let her go! You're dragging a dead horse around with you eveywhere you go.

 

Before she leaves, I would tell her in no uncertain terms what I've told you here. That she needs help, that's she's living in a fantasy world, that she has self esteem issues, that she's ruining her life, and a lifetime and a world of hurt is going to come crashing down on her.

 

But! Once she walks out that door, you're through and done with her, and there won't be any such thing as coming back. And if an when she does make good on that promise and move on with your life.

 

Ultimately when a woman (or a man walks out on a woman) all it means is that you've got to go and find yourself someone new who appreciated what you've got to offer, and have to bring to the table.

 

In short? You've got to go and find yourself someone new!

 

DAMNED THE BAD LUCK!

 

What one will abuse? Another can certainly use!

 

No one monkey ~ makes a show!

 

And don't go beggin', pleadin', crying! If crying couldn't make her stay! It sure as Hell won't make her come back!

 

You sound like a good man, and a loving partner, and while there's no shortage of men, there's one Hell of a shortage of GOOD men. Good men and women? They don't stay on the market for very long!

 

They're like good jobs! They're out there, but what few of them there are, they generally are already taken. Those that have them? They've had them for a good long while, plan on keeping them, and you're just about going to have to kill them to get them away from them!

[Gunny376]

About to go to bed, but before I did, I wanted to post to OP. You could have been the one that "hung the moon" and it still wouldn't have been enough!

 

Quit beating yourself up, and quit blaiming yourself. For every finger the STBXw points at you, she has three pointing back at herself.

 

This isn't about you, nor what you did nor didn't do! This is about her own personal insercurties and issues. The foundation of which were laid long before you ever entered upon the stage!

 

The issues that befront you are not within the relmn or your comprehenstion nor yours to solve.

 

Let it go, just let it go!

 

Peace be with you, and may God Almighty give you peace of mind!

 

Go easy!

 

Gunny376

[Mountains10]

About to go to bed, but before I did, I wanted to post to OP. You could have been the one that "hung the moon" and it still wouldn't have been enough!

 

Quit beating yourself up, and quit blaiming yourself. For every finger the STBXw points at you, she has three pointing back at herself.

 

This isn't about you, nor what you did nor didn't do! This is about her own personal insercurties and issues. The foundation of which were laid long before you ever entered upon the stage!

 

The issues that befront you are not within the relmn or your comprehenstion nor yours to solve.

 

Let it go, just let it go!

 

Peace be with you, and may God Almighty give you peace of mind!

 

Go easy!

 

Gunny376

 

Gunny,

 

Your last 2 posts in this thread were really helpful to me. You are right, my stbxw has always had esteem and insecurity issues. This is starting to make total sense to me now. I just never put the 2 together, thanks for posting that.

 

Mountains10

[Gunny376]

By definition girls/women are the pursuee, and men are the pursurers of women ~ women seek men indirectly ~ men seek women directly. That mean women get a lot of attention from a lot of men that is to say "IOI's (indicators of interest) when a woman ages, gets older, gets married and gets less and less IOI's they get insecure about themselves. (Some women, not all, but a significant per centage of them)

 

Just getting married is enough to diminish their attractivness factor, because contary to popular belief, not any and all men are dogs. And won't engage a married woman becuae of morals and group.

 

Therefore, there are a per centage of women who will cheat, because they're attention hogs. Its really not even about sex, or that you their husbands didn't pay them enough attention ~ they need someone else and new to pay them attention. They already know they've got your attention ~ but they need someone new to reinforce in their minds that they've still got it! That they can still turn heads.

 

As I said its not about you, what you did or didn't do. Its about them and their own insecurties about theirselves and their self perceptions of themseleves.

 

No one ~ not a man nor woman can be happy with someone else ~ until they learn how to be happy with themseleves first!

[teerockness]

I nominate Gunny's above posts for hall of fame status.

 

The man is a legend around here for a reason.

[Sands_of_time]

I nominate Gunny's above posts for hall of fame status.

 

The man is a legend around here for a reason.

 

Here, here! Great posts Gunny--very helpful for all of us navigating this dark maze.

[Searching49]

I agree with everyone on here Gunny. I was really having a sh*tty day today having to go back to work and have everyone ask me about how my holiday was and lying through my teeth. Your last few posts on here really made me feel a little better. I know this month is going to be the hardest because we are still sleeping under the same roof. It's really hard to NC when you live in the same house, but I'm trying my hardest. It doesn't help that me and STBXW also work at the same place. It is quite large, but we will run into each other. However, I don't see the need to spread knowledge of the affair around to co-workers. Living in the same house, working at the same place, while she is calling another guy non-stop and giggling and flirting like a 13 yr old. She's basing all of this off of one kiss (to my knowledge) and then just 6 months of phone calls. I called her folks again tonight to fill them in again on the situation. Last time we talked about it was thanksgiving when I drove there to try to save our marriage. They are so sad for me and so disgusted with STBXW. They can't beleive this is their girl and are saying that they don't know how their family will ever be the same. I even revealed a few additional facts that they didn't know, and they said that they can't believe I made it this far. They said I'm like a son to them and they are in so much pain for me. Her sister who was her best friend in the world is so sick about her that she doesn't even want to talk to her. I made an appointment to go back to therapy again to help me through this. I'm so torn up about it that I can't sleep. I lied in bed awake for 4 hours this morning with my blood boiling thinking about it. I have times when my blood actually feels like it is on fire cuz I'm so pissed and heartbroken at the same time. I'm so glad I started posting on here though. It does feel better to have others that are going through the same thing offering advice and encouragement. Thanks guys.

[Gunny376]

Go yea to a local pharmacy, to the herbal supplement and viatamin section.

 

Look for meltaronin. It comes in 3 mmg, (micormilligrams) 3 mg (milligrams) and 5 mmmg. I would recommend you get either a bottle of both the 3 mmg and/or the 3 mg or 5 mg.

 

Meltonin is over-the counter, non-presceiption, non-addictive, and completely safe. Airline pilots flying the red-eye coast to coast use it.

 

Its a natural substance that our bodies produce to regulate our body's internal biological clock. Its light sensitive, so even if our bodies detect light through closed eye lids our bodies will stop producing it during the night.

 

It won't "knock" you out, and if you have to get up during the night to tend to something such as a child or whatever you can and will. You can then go back to sleep.

 

If you can you want to completely darken out your sleeping quarters, no light, not even from an LED alarm clock, or anything else You want to keep your room cool but comfortable.

 

You'll have to experiment with the 3 mmg and eithr the 3 or 5 mg per your height/body weight. You can take it with alcohol, but really wouldn't recommend over-doing it. I would go light with them at first.

 

I'm 6'1" 190 #lbs and take one 5 mg half hour to forty-five minutes before I go to bed. About a half hour later, your eyes will start watering, you will begin yawning, and you will be ready for movie. Don't watch TV, play on the computer, etc. Read something while your waiting if anything (but not on a computer)

 

It will help quite your thoughts instead of having them run around and around your head while you stare at the ceiling. Both bottles will run you about $15 for a month's supply.

 

Guns

[Searching49]

I don't know. I promised myself I won't turn to alcohol for this and I've never done any drugs at all. I'm pretty much your exact size and weight (now). I'm trying to take advantage of the weight loss by now eating right and trying to work out. I've slipped for a few weeks, but want to get back to it again. The weight loss was scary for a little while, then I got control of it. It's kinda scary again now, but I was able to eat today at work. I think going to work put my body back into a routine. I want to see how tonight goes since I'm dead tired right now. As for the room being dark, it is pitch black. I was staring at the ceiling of a pitch black room from about 2AM to 5:30 AM when I needed to get up for work. My blood was boiling the whole time. I'm trying to let myself feel how I need to feel, but I also recognize that I need therapy. I'm a very good, level headed, intelligent guy from a stable family. But losing the person you wanted to spend the rest of your life with just rips a hole in you so deep. Then having that person basically spit in your face after ripping you apart is just something that no one should ever go through.

[Gunny376]

Its not a drug Searchm its an over-the-counter, non-prescrition, non-addictive herbal supplement that will help you get a good night sleep so you can wake up re-freshed and still be able to take care of the rest of your life.

 

But its you call. You might want to read a new book out on the street titled "Eat This, Not This" about what to eat and not, and what brands to buy and not buy, (its actually a guide to grocery shopping).

 

For those that have put on weight and can't lose it to save your life, once you read it, you will understand what the food manufacters having been doing to us all these years. There's also another of edition for children.

[carhill]

I can vouch for Gunny's testimonial for Melatonin. I use GNC's sublingual version because it tastes like cherries I first used it when caring for my mother because she'd keep me up all night otherwise. It let me get up, tend to her, then go back to sleep. Later, when I started flying a lot of long-haul, it helped me sleep for 6-8 hours on long international flights. Great stuff and no side effects. I don't like drugs and drink very little.

 

Sleep depravation is a killer, especially in the quality area. I thought I was going insane. Hang in there

[skinman]

But losing the person you wanted to spend the rest of your life with just rips a hole in you so deep. Then having that person basically spit in your face after ripping you apart is just something that no one should ever go through.

 

Searching49,

 

Man I know how you feel for the first few weeks of my separation my stbxw said some of the most hurtfull and downright mean things to me. I could look at her and think " my god this is the woman I have loved for 16 years how can she say these things". I do know it gets easier friend... The NC will help with that it will give you both time to cool down. I still on ocassion her the hatfeul stuff from the stbxw but at this point I try and not let it bother me. At one point it was like a dagger each time she said she hated me it tore a hole right through me... But you know the more I heard it and thought about it it was her that she hated not me.. She hates the person she has become and your ex is most likely the same way.

Try and look at it that way the guilt will eat them up at one point... They may look strong but i have to believe that its getting to them to.. come on they may seem heartless but we know they aren't.

Hang in their man.... I am praying for strength and guidance for you...

 

you are young S49... you have a much better chance of finding love again than a croutchity old guy like myself... I was close to your age during my first divorce... and look what I found... I found someone to give me 16 years of their life buddy... As much as it hurts now I wouldn't change a thing.. I was blessed with a beautiful daughter and stepdaughter who think the world of me. Plus so many good memories of our time together..

This was a learning experience for me.... I know now what it will take to keep the next one that comes into my life... Learn from this as much as you can.. look back and see what you may have contributed to this.. When I did I saw that I had a much bigger part than I wanted to admit...

I can honestly say now that my actions drove my wife to search comfort from someone else....that doesnt make it right but I do understand why..I am not totaly blaming myself but I will learn from my mistakes... Take some time while your laying awake one night and think about it.... Did you do all you could to make her happy and fee loved??? you might be surprised.... I was...

 

Keep the faith S49... you will come out of this a better man !!

[br0ken_w0lf]

What Carhill "PP" are trying to say is that you think your in a mess with the wife moving out and her EA with the OM in CO, wait until she moves out and your stuck with the martial debts ALONE, that you made based upon TWO incomes.

 

Once you find yourself its all downhill from there. Takes a "fool's advice" and from someone who's been there back before LS and the internet.

 

I would suggest you read the e-book "Women's Infedlity" (no its not free, but its cheap and well worth reading)

 

What I would suggest would be getting your affairs in order (finacially) for living and being single and alone. Tell the DW that if she moves out there's no coming back, reconcling and that you will file for divorce pronto.

 

I realize that flies counter to what you want to hear, but its the one and only thing that might actually work. Begging, pleading, "guilting" imploring ~ none of that works.

 

Searching49: I agree with all the advice given here so far and I'm so sorry you're going through this... Been there, and still doing it. I know the feeling of shock that comes with this, the disbelief when you realize that all you dreamed of may not be after all. Man, just knowing that so many others have gone through, are going through, and will go through this is gut-wrenching to think about... Take care of yourself and keep an eye on the weight loss; I lost 25 lbs. in about a month -> not healthy. Hang in there...

 

Gunny: your posts, as always, amaze me and continue to be helpful. And that e-book! I went to the web site and within 5 minutes, I ordered the books! It was eerie reading just the web page. But I think I need to understand what happened so that's why I ordered them. So thanks!

[Searching49]

Thanks Skinman. I was going to ask and see how you were doing tonight before I went up. Man I hope I don't have a night like last night or I won't be able to work tomorrow. And I know I have to keep my job together. I really dog tired now so another 2:30AM wake up call with blood boiling really just won't work tonight. I guess you saw my post about talking to her parents again tonight. It felt good to know that other who love her (and have known her for longer than I have) are also shocked and disgusted with her behaviour. I grew close to her family, and they are so hurt for me. But it also felt bad because I was thinking as much as they hurt for me, they are not the ones who can do anything about it. I know I'm going to catch crap here for saying it, but I think I would still give her a chance before she moves out if she really came around. I am trying to face the realization that it won't happen, but having a hard time. I love my wife unconditionally, that's why I married her. She is the only one that could truly fill the void she created. But it would take a long time and would require things she isn't capable of. I need to look to the future where someone else won't fill the void, but replace it with love. I know I deserve that. It's just so hard to see through her fog and lies now. Like someone else said on here recently, I'm questioning my ability to trust another person in the future because of this. I've gone from engaged, buying a house, getting married, to her wanting divorce all in about 2 years. How could I ever have seen signs this was coming, and how can I convince myself that someone else won't do the same thing to me again? Well, another night to try and sleep. If I can't tonight, I'm getting that suppliment tomorrow Gunny.

[kashmir]

Holy **** man. I never check this area of LS, but I saw your story and it made me so sad and pissed off at the same time. All I've gotta say is you're acting so cool. If my wife or girlfriend cheated on me with some ass that she met on a vacation, gave me crap about me not being "adventurous" enough and then preceded to have frequent phone calls with him, hell, she'd better run for her ****ing life.

 

Sorry man. I hope you see better times soon.

[skinman]

Searching49,

hang in there buddy.. I know its hard man and I know how you feel.. I still love my wife... I can almost hear the way she used to say "honey" it tears me up everytime I see her I just want to hug her and hold her again.. But I have accepted the fact that I cant its damn hard to do man and in time you will to.... Dont be so hard on yourself... take it day by day minute by minute if you have to... When you make it through an hour without thinking about her its a small victory... a lot of small victories and you will eventually win the war !!

 

Be strong buddy.. the sleep will come in time...I know about the 2 hours if your lucky.. the thing you got going is your not drinking... thats good dont do it if you can... Thats my problem.. I will get up at 1 have a few shots and lay bak down to get up at 4...

 

your in my thoughts man.... be strong !!

[Gunny376]

I know I'm going to catch crap here for saying it, but I think I would still give her a chance before she moves out if she really came around. I am trying to face the realization that it won't happen, but having a hard time. I love my wife unconditionally, that's why I married her.

 

None of us would do such a thing, we've all have been where your at, its not fun and it sure as Hell isn't pretty.

 

[ /quote] I need to look to the future where someone else won't fill the void, but replace it with love. I know I deserve that. It's just so hard to see through her fog and lies now. Like someone else said on here recently, I'm questioning my ability to trust another person in the future because of this. I've gone from engaged, buying a house, getting married, to her wanting divorce all in about 2 years. How could I ever have seen signs this was coming, and how can I convince myself that someone else won't do the same thing to me again? Well, another night to try and sleep. If I can't tonight, I'm getting that suppliment tomorrow Gunny.

 

Quit looking and you'll find her!

 

Quit seeking external validation from another and you'll quit being disappointed. Validate yourself.

 

You know back in our grandparent's day most people lived in the country on farms, got married had large families (spell that "farmhands" and stayed married for all of there lives. The wives stayed home and took care of the household and the chldren, and the fathers went off to make a living.

 

But now women work outside the homes, and where as people use to go to town and the stores once a week, or even bi-weekly, and some even monthly? Now we go everyday it seems.

 

I can remember when a lot of folks didn't even have phones, and if they did they had party lines, now most folks carry a damned phone everywhere they go.

 

Laptops, the internet, e-mail, myspace, the "pill" have busted communication. I write this at 9:24 P.M. in Alabama and with the press of a button it can be read worldwide.

 

In the Leave It Beaver days, it was enough that a man was a good worker, provider, didn't drink, run around. And it was enough for a woman to be a good homemaker, wife, and mother.

 

Now days you've got weak-minded men and women leaving their spouses after years and years to go and find themselves, or they've found their true love, or their soul mates,...........................which isn't anything more than BS.

 

Tell it like it is! Don't hold back! Tell it All! You've just found someone else just found someone else you want to scrogg and do the nasty with.

 

Well your wife telling you that your not "adventersome" enough is like the Hank Williams Jr song refering to the late seventies show "Dallas"

[sumdude]

Be strong buddy.. the sleep will come in time...I know about the 2 hours if your lucky.. the thing you got going is your not drinking... thats good dont do it if you can... Thats my problem.. I will get up at 1 have a few shots and lay bak down to get up at 4...

 

 

That's the double edged sword with alcohol. It may help you fall asleep at first, but then it interferes with staying asleep so you wake up earlier and can't get back to sleep.

[Gunny376]

The only time alcohol helped me pre or post divorce was when I became a homeless wino male prostitute that slept in the gutter, puking all over myself in a six month effort to regain my self respect from having been married to that !@#$%!

[Searching49]

Well I was out last night doing a little more exposing which is why I didn't post last night. This time was to some good friends of ours. They were shocked and had very little to say, but were so distraught for me. I was debating on letting them know or not, but I don't want her to just be telling everyone later how things just didn't work out, or that we weren't right for each other. I know she'll try to play that card with our friends and I'm glad they'll know now that she's full of sh*t. They told me that anything I need, they are there for me. They are also telling our other good friends so that I don't have to go through that again. I have a feeling that that entire sector of friends will be a closed door for her in the future. She's going to find herself pretty alone when everything is done because everyone will know. I've been playing the NC as best as I can with her still in the house. I think it seems to be working. I just don't know what I'll do if it really starts working. And of course, why am I even thinking about that now??? Gunny, I'm not sure that I'm really looking for external validation. All of my life I have just always felt happier when I am with someone. Sure I can be alone and I'd be fine, but I've been lucky enough to be completely in love twice in my life and I feel my best when I'm there. It's so sad to see how easily she can just walk away from "us".

[Searching49]

Holy **** man. I never check this area of LS, but I saw your story and it made me so sad and pissed off at the same time. All I've gotta say is you're acting so cool. If my wife or girlfriend cheated on me with some ass that she met on a vacation, gave me crap about me not being "adventurous" enough and then preceded to have frequent phone calls with him, hell, she'd better run for her ****ing life.

 

Sorry man. I hope you see better times soon.

 

Kashmir, I think that is easier said when it isn't you going through it. When you build your life around someone and are talking about planning a family together, it's not easy to let it all just go poof. I think I'm acting so cool because I know I'm better than this. Well that and the fact that she hasn't moved out yet. I'm not sure if it is strength or denial that is getting me through right now. And with our lives so intertwined, neither of us can just walk out.