Wife is leaving me for a fling

[Searching49]

I'm on day 4 of NC and it is seriously helping me. I still think I am doing it because I want to see the effect that it has on her. I'm still in the purgatory waiting to see what she is planning on doing at the end of the month. Is she going to move out, come full circle? I'm thinking its pretty much done, I just can't believe it. Going to the counselor to talk tomorrow. I hope she can help me clear my head. I'll let you guys know how it goes.

[Gunny376]

The keys to the chains that bind you?

 

Are in your hands now!

 

You can't see that, but five years from now you will!

 

Damnit! See it now!

[Searching49]

I'm not sure Gunny, but you may be wrong (about it taking 5 years). Everyone around me is helping me to see it now. I think that my wife thinks I am giving her space now to figure things out when I feel myself moving in another direction. I don't think February is going to happen because she's going to realize how financially strapped she will be and she likes this comfortable life I've given to her. Either way I've lost a lot of respect for her as a person, let alone my wife. I've given everything I could possibly give (which is way more than most people are capable of), and I'm starting to have real notions of moving on. I'm 26 and have everything going for me in my life except for her right now. Shes still talking to him on a daily basis. I've only heard two conversations and they were both so flirty, childish, and fantasy based. Just wait till she finds out that he is just a guy too, and not half the man I am. I'm sure there will be some relapses as things progress towards divorce, but I don't think she is capable of being the person she would need to be in order to fix our relationship. She obviously doesn't care about me or respect me. I'm not sure if I should break NC to say it, or just allow NC to continue and let me absorb my new train of thought until February comes. I'm thinking I'm strong enough to do the latter. I love her more than anything, and it will hurt like hell to have her go, but it will be better for me in the end and allow me to move on with my life. I'll be able to find someone who deserves me, and I'll learn to trust again. I refuse to let a cheating, manipulative, disgrace of a person ruin my future.

[skinman]

I love her more than anything, and it will hurt like hell to have her go, but it will be better for me in the end and allow me to move on with my life. I'll be able to find someone who deserves me, and I'll learn to trust again. I refuse to let a cheating, manipulative, disgrace of a person ruin my future.

 

 

Searching49,

 

Your in the right frame of mind friend... do it for you now its your life so make yourself happy.. what you wrote above is the same way I feel about my situation... This will only make us stronger in the long run and someone will come along and appreciate you for you... they will love you for you...

Dont give up on finding happiness again.. your young and there is alot of life left ahead of you.... take care of yourself and learn as much as you can from this... put it to use when you do find that special woman and it will be so much better than what you had.... You will one day look back and thank your stbxw for doing what she has done....

 

good luck S49... your on the right path so keep going.........

[Searching49]

 

good luck S49... your on the right path so keep going.........

 

It definitely feels like a better path that is for sure. I did get the women's infidelity articles. They are very enlightening and well worth the money. I can see that she will be chasing this "missing feeling" for the rest of her life. It's a shame to watch her throw me away, because I know I'm the best man she's ever going to have. But everyone has the ability to make their own choices in life. It is what separates us. The choices we make define us. If she chooses to continue an affair rather than keep me, then she doesn't deserve me. I'm beginning to take the first few hard and heavy steps in the direction that leads out of my marriage. It's about time I stood up for the man that I am and claim my balls back.

[teerockness]

Glad to see the turnaround here.

 

I think our situations our similar - once I got hit by the thunderbolt of realization - see your comments above - it only took a couple of months for me to set her aside, mentally and emotionally.

 

I agree - it's amazing how fast it happens once you have that realization.

 

Keep it rolling!

[Mountains10]

 

 

It definitely feels like a better path that is for sure. I did get the women's infidelity articles. They are very enlightening and well worth the money. I can see that she will be chasing this "missing feeling" for the rest of her life. It's a shame to watch her throw me away, because I know I'm the best man she's ever going to have. But everyone has the ability to make their own choices in life. It is what separates us. The choices we make define us. If she chooses to continue an affair rather than keep me, then she doesn't deserve me. I'm beginning to take the first few hard and heavy steps in the direction that leads out of my marriage. It's about time I stood up for the man that I am and claim my balls back.

 

Hey Searching49,

 

Glad to see you are doing better. I'm with you on this, I'm starting to realize too, I'm better than this, I don't have to hold on to something that's not there. I wonder if they ever realize what they threw away? Why leave the good life to live a financially tough one? It's almost as if something snaps in the mind, and the mind doesn't work like it should anymore, it's odd to me. Hang in there my friend!

 

Mountains10

[Searching49]

 

 

I wonder if they ever realize what they threw away? Why leave the good life to live a financially tough one? It's almost as if something snaps in the mind, and the mind doesn't work like it should anymore, it's odd to me.

 

I know she will certainly realize, and very quickly at that. Probably as soon as the 23 year old does her a few times and then realizes she isn't a spring chicken and he can do better. I broke NC this morning just to send her the women's infidelity articles. I think it was well worth it because I still care about her. It's just not in the same way anymore. I've already altered the way I feel about her. She has a saying that "life is a feeling". I have a saying that "life is how you choose to feel". The power of choice is what makes us who we are.

[Gunny376]

I'm not sure Gunny, but you may be wrong (about it taking 5 years). Everyone around me is helping me to see it now. I think that my wife thinks I am giving her space now to figure things out when I feel myself moving in another direction. I don't think February is going to happen because she's going to realize how financially strapped she will be and she likes this comfortable life I've given to her. Either way I've lost a lot of respect for her as a person, let alone my wife. I've given everything I could possibly give (which is way more than most people are capable of), and I'm starting to have real notions of moving on. I'm 26 and have everything going for me in my life except for her right now. Shes still talking to him on a daily basis. I've only heard two conversations and they were both so flirty, childish, and fantasy based. Just wait till she finds out that he is just a guy too, and not half the man I am. I'm sure there will be some relapses as things progress towards divorce, but I don't think she is capable of being the person she would need to be in order to fix our relationship. She obviously doesn't care about me or respect me. I'm not sure if I should break NC to say it, or just allow NC to continue and let me absorb my new train of thought until February comes. I'm thinking I'm strong enough to do the latter. I love her more than anything, and it will hurt like hell to have her go, but it will be better for me in the end and allow me to move on with my life. I'll be able to find someone who deserves me, and I'll learn to trust again. I refuse to let a cheating, manipulative, disgrace of a person ruin my future.

 

THAT'S what I'm talking about!

[Owl]

I didn't read the entire thread, but from the sounds of the last few posts, I just wanted to ask...

 

Why are you waiting for her to file? Is there a reason you're leaving this in her hands?

 

Why not take charge, and take action yourself to start this, if this is where you're moving towards anyway?

 

Don't take me wrong...filing for D, or trying to recover the marriage are both options you can take, and nothing wrong with either.

 

I'm just convinced it's better to take action yourself rather than let her dictate anything to you.

[pelicanpreacher]

I didn't read the entire thread, but from the sounds of the last few posts, I just wanted to ask...

 

Why are you waiting for her to file? Is there a reason you're leaving this in her hands?

 

Why not take charge, and take action yourself to start this, if this is where you're moving towards anyway?

 

Don't take me wrong...filing for D, or trying to recover the marriage are both options you can take, and nothing wrong with either.

 

I'm just convinced it's better to take action yourself rather than let her dictate anything to you.

 

Bingo! It's as if by waiting for the WS to act on their own volition it somehow alleviates the BS from the same consequences of taking action on their own behalf. If all roads lead to Rome then in the end you're still here and she's still gone so the consequences of inaction equates to the consequences of her action but she has the upper hand in knowing she dumped you and not the other way around. Also, If one knows the horse is gone or determined to leave why keep stocking the stable waiting on it to decide on whether it will stay, go, or keep going. Nowadays, if a woman jumps up and says "I'm leaving you for greener pastures" I open the door and tell her to get on all fours and get busy mowin' the lawn!

 

(I'd also suggest that she nibble the hedges on her way out to the road because they could use some trimming too!)

[Searching49]

I didn't read the entire thread, but from the sounds of the last few posts, I just wanted to ask...

 

Why are you waiting for her to file? Is there a reason you're leaving this in her hands?

 

Why not take charge, and take action yourself to start this, if this is where you're moving towards anyway?

 

Don't take me wrong...filing for D, or trying to recover the marriage are both options you can take, and nothing wrong with either.

 

I'm just convinced it's better to take action yourself rather than let her dictate anything to you.

 

I'm not waiting. I tried to make another appointment with the lawyer last week but lawyer was in trial. The earliest I could get was this friday at 11AM. I'm planning to taking tonight to write down all of my questions that I have for the lawyer so I am much better prepared this time. I want to consider all of my options and see what will put me in the best financial situation when all is said and done. I would really like to recover my marriage, but she is so far past that now that it is impossible. It is beyond my comprehension how someone can spend six years of their life with you, marry you, talk about having kids with you and then make out with OM 4 months later and want to walk out of their marriage for them. I can't look at the phone records anymore. They are disgusting and make me sick to my stomach. And she just keeps saying that it isn't like that, and no they won't see each other, she just needs to find herself. Lies, lies, lies. Hello, Mrs. ******? Yes? You've been served.

[Owl]

Good for you. I mean that...there's nothing wrong with 'manning up' and taking action to take care of yourself.

 

If divorce is your goal, then don't waste your time looking at those phone records anymore. Find out if the infidelity will have any impact on the divorce (some states are 'fault states' some are not)...and if it doesn't make a difference, then don't waste time talking with your wife about it anymore. Don't try to get anymore proof...just focus on taking care of yourself and protecting yourself and your assets as you go through the divorce.

 

Let her life spiral out of control into a nosedive...it's no longer YOUR problem.

 

Hang in there...

[Searching49]

Good for you. I mean that...there's nothing wrong with 'manning up' and taking action to take care of yourself.

 

If divorce is your goal, then don't waste your time looking at those phone records anymore. Find out if the infidelity will have any impact on the divorce (some states are 'fault states' some are not)...and if it doesn't make a difference, then don't waste time talking with your wife about it anymore. Don't try to get anymore proof...just focus on taking care of yourself and protecting yourself and your assets as you go through the divorce.

 

Let her life spiral out of control into a nosedive...it's no longer YOUR problem.

 

Hang in there...

 

Owl, divorce isn't really my goal per say. I mean, this all came out of nowhere and I feel very confused about the back and forth signals she's given me over the last 4 months. But her calls have just escalated since Thanksgiving and my efforts have no effect. I never wanted any of this, and it all caught me completely by surprise. I mean who gets married and cheats 8 months later?! She keeps saying it's not like that with this guy, but I'm not an idiot and I'm tired of being played for one. I told her that this is fixable until she moves out. Once she moves out, I know the reason why, and the door will close and I won't look back. Right now I have my foot caught in the door. At least I know that I have the strength to pick it up and remove it. She really is walking out on a fantastic guy. Seeing my wife look at me without any remorse for her blatent EA is leaving me with divorce as my only option. Day one in her new apartment she is getting served and I'm moving on with my life. I'm not sure about proving anything yet. Meeting with the lawyer friday to see how appealing that is in my situation.

[Sands_of_time]

 

Owl, divorce isn't really my goal per say. I mean, this all came out of nowhere and I feel very confused about the back and forth signals she's given me over the last 4 months. But her calls have just escalated since Thanksgiving and my efforts have no effect. I never wanted any of this, and it all caught me completely by surprise. I mean who gets married and cheats 8 months later?! She keeps saying it's not like that with this guy, but I'm not an idiot and I'm tired of being played for one. I told her that this is fixable until she moves out. Once she moves out, I know the reason why, and the door will close and I won't look back. Right now I have my foot caught in the door. At least I know that I have the strength to pick it up and remove it. She really is walking out on a fantastic guy. Seeing my wife look at me without any remorse for her blatent EA is leaving me with divorce as my only option. Day one in her new apartment she is getting served and I'm moving on with my life. I'm not sure about proving anything yet. Meeting with the lawyer friday to see how appealing that is in my situation.

 

Searching..is she still living with you? If so, can you do something about it? She has heat, water, electricity, washer/dryer, oven, fridge...etc... and a back up plan (you). Very little discomfort for her. What do you think about going hard core and letting her know you will not put up with her talking to another man while under your roof? If she still talks to him then she needs to bail (i.e. you deserve better and will not tolerate this behavior) ASAP and get another place. Wanted to get your thoughts...

[Searching49]

 

Searching..is she still living with you? If so, can you do something about it? She has heat, water, electricity, washer/dryer, oven, fridge...etc... and a back up plan (you). Very little discomfort for her. What do you think about going hard core and letting her know you will not put up with her talking to another man while under your roof? If she still talks to him then she needs to bail (i.e. you deserve better and will not tolerate this behavior) ASAP and get another place. Wanted to get your thoughts...

 

Yes she is still living with me, just sleeping in another room and we pretend like we are roomates that don't like each other (we don't talk much and basically go to opposite floors). It was really hard at first, but getting easier now that I have a couple weeks left. I can't kick her out (legally), it is her house too. I guess I could be a total a** and make her want to leave ASAP. That won't make me feel better about myself though. I have my dignity and my self-respect fully intact throughout all this. I've given her several chances to come around when she doesn't deserve that (or me). I can make it a few more weeks and then I won't have to worry about her much anymore except for selling the house. Once she moves out, I will reveal all to the rest of our friends. Everything that she had will be gone, and she'll only have the OM left. If finding herself is her goal, she's going to find a very shallow and lonely person, and that realization will probably drive her insane. Once she is out, I close the door completely on our relationship and leave her to the darkness she has created for future. It's sad to see it happen to someone you care for so deeply, but she has turned her back on me in the worst possible way. This level of betrayal is just unforgivable.

[Mountains10]

 

 

 

Yes she is still living with me, just sleeping in another room and we pretend like we are roomates that don't like each other (we don't talk much and basically go to opposite floors). It was really hard at first, but getting easier now that I have a couple weeks left. I can't kick her out (legally), it is her house too. I guess I could be a total a** and make her want to leave ASAP. That won't make me feel better about myself though. I have my dignity and my self-respect fully intact throughout all this. I've given her several chances to come around when she doesn't deserve that (or me). I can make it a few more weeks and then I won't have to worry about her much anymore except for selling the house. Once she moves out, I will reveal all to the rest of our friends. Everything that she had will be gone, and she'll only have the OM left. If finding herself is her goal, she's going to find a very shallow and lonely person, and that realization will probably drive her insane. Once she is out, I close the door completely on our relationship and leave her to the darkness she has created for future. It's sad to see it happen to someone you care for so deeply, but she has turned her back on me in the worst possible way. This level of betrayal is just unforgivable.

 

I'm with you, the betrayal didn't hit me as hard in the beginning as it has now. I would've given a lot to have mine stay behind in the house, but I'm guessing it's just about as painful as having to work with one too. I feel for you Searching. By the time they wake up and realize what they've lost, not much else is left, but a new man to discover I would suppose. Stay strong my friend, sounds like you're doing just fine.

[BusterBrown]

 

I'm with you, the betrayal didn't hit me as hard in the beginning as it has now. I would've given a lot to have mine stay behind in the house, but I'm guessing it's just about as painful as having to work with one too.

 

 

Gosh, I feel so sorry for you. I mean, you HAVE to go to work 8 hrs a day. That's pretty much unavoidable. How often do you see her at work? And with the job market the way it is, finding another job is not so easy.

 

I guess it's a good thing my wife moved out. Every time I look in her eyes I get so peeved about her betraying me. I couldn't handle living or working with her through all of this.

[Mountains10]

 

 

Gosh, I feel so sorry for you. I mean, you HAVE to go to work 8 hrs a day. That's pretty much unavoidable. How often do you see her at work? And with the job market the way it is, finding another job is not so easy.

 

I guess it's a good thing my wife moved out. Every time I look in her eyes I get so peeved about her betraying me. I couldn't handle living or working with her through all of this.

 

 

I don't think sands works with this stbxw, that's me that works with mine. I see her maybe twice a day, maybe once a day if I try hard to avoid her, sometimes, it's more, sometimes less. I haven't even tried to look for another job and don't plan to right now, just not feasible.

 

It's very hard, trust me, not something I look forward to each day. When I see her, I see another person, not the woman I married, she physically looks different (she lost a lot of weight) and she doesn't even act the same. It's like seeing someone you knew from high school, but it's strange, I don't know how to describe it really. Hope that helps.

[Owl]

OK...here's your problem.

 

You need to decide what you want to do.

 

You can't move forward if you're going two opposite directions at the same time. You just stay right where you are.

 

You need to decide if you want to rebuild your marriage, or want to divorce.

 

The 'roadmap' for these lies in opposite directions.

 

I can't give you any real advice if I don't know what you want out of all of this.

 

That's your first step...short term, what do you want to do? Work on rebuilding your marriage, or seperate and file for divorce?

 

It IS that point blank, and it needs to be.

 

If you try to do both at the same time, you're going to fail miserably at both...and SHE ends up picking the direction this goes. Is that really what you want?

[NYCmitch25]

 

I'm not waiting. I tried to make another appointment with the lawyer last week but lawyer was in trial. The earliest I could get was this friday at 11AM. I'm planning to taking tonight to write down all of my questions that I have for the lawyer so I am much better prepared this time. I want to consider all of my options and see what will put me in the best financial situation when all is said and done. I would really like to recover my marriage, but she is so far past that now that it is impossible. It is beyond my comprehension how someone can spend six years of their life with you, marry you, talk about having kids with you and then make out with OM 4 months later and want to walk out of their marriage for them. I can't look at the phone records anymore. They are disgusting and make me sick to my stomach. And she just keeps saying that it isn't like that, and no they won't see each other, she just needs to find herself. Lies, lies, lies. Hello, Mrs. ******? Yes? You've been served.

 

OK, this really sucks, sometimes young relationships work but usually they are highly prone to divorce.. I'm sorry for your situation. It's natural to want to know all of the details but sometimes it's best to move on - get your sh** together and move on.

 

Concerning the financial advice you got on this thread - ignore most of it. DO NOT be late with your mortgage payments under any condition, and also (not mentioned here), DO NOT try to live rent free in the house. Doing nothing is the WORST thing to do in terms of your financial and interpersonal life. Get her into the legal position of fault - then look into doing a short sale if you can't sell the thing on the market right now (or find a renter/etc.). A short sale can help you but it's no magic bullet. What that means is that you sell the house upside down and illustrate in writing how you can't pay for it because of the issues with your wife. The key is writing a good convincing letter for the bank, be sure to get it right the first time and talk to the right people.

 

There are consequences - one, you owe taxes (luckily not capital gains) on the difference the bank concedes to the seller (you), someone will have to pay the property taxes, plus, the bank will try to lie to you in some cases and make you pay some of that money. In other words get a good lawyer and remember you shouldnt have to give the bank ANY cash. ANOTHER BIG THING - make sure that the concession is in writing going to be RESOLVED on your credit report OR you will have to pay it if/when they go after you. Also, you will have it on your credit report for 10 years (not 7) and your fico will drop some good amount of points but it's nothing like a foreclosure where someone decided to live rent-free for 20+ payments - very stupid.

[pelicanpreacher]

 

I'm not waiting. I tried to make another appointment with the lawyer last week but lawyer was in trial. The earliest I could get was this friday at 11AM. I'm planning to taking tonight to write down all of my questions that I have for the lawyer so I am much better prepared this time. I want to consider all of my options and see what will put me in the best financial situation when all is said and done. I would really like to recover my marriage, but she is so far past that now that it is impossible. It is beyond my comprehension how someone can spend six years of their life with you, marry you, talk about having kids with you and then make out with OM 4 months later and want to walk out of their marriage for them. I can't look at the phone records anymore. They are disgusting and make me sick to my stomach. And she just keeps saying that it isn't like that, and no they won't see each other, she just needs to find herself. Lies, lies, lies. Hello, Mrs. ******? Yes? You've been served.

 

You might want to also consider expanding your advisory base to include a certified financial planner, and a good loan officer as well. Doesn't hurt to develop a fully well rounded perspective on the financial issues for, unlike your stbx whose head is stuck in the clouds, you'll have the satisfaction of landing on your feet when she lands on her azz after the dust settles and all is said and done. Then she'll have a real reason to hate you!

[Sands_of_time]

 

OK, this really sucks, sometimes young relationships work but usually they are highly prone to divorce.. I'm sorry for your situation. It's natural to want to know all of the details but sometimes it's best to move on - get your sh** together and move on.

 

Concerning the financial advice you got on this thread - ignore most of it. DO NOT be late with your mortgage payments under any condition, and also (not mentioned here), DO NOT try to live rent free in the house. Doing nothing is the WORST thing to do in terms of your financial and interpersonal life. Get her into the legal position of fault - then look into doing a short sale if you can't sell the thing on the market right now (or find a renter/etc.). A short sale can help you but it's no magic bullet. What that means is that you sell the house upside down and illustrate in writing how you can't pay for it because of the issues with your wife. The key is writing a good convincing letter for the bank, be sure to get it right the first time and talk to the right people.

 

There are consequences - one, you owe taxes (luckily not capital gains) on the difference the bank concedes to the seller (you), someone will have to pay the property taxes, plus, the bank will try to lie to you in some cases and make you pay some of that money. In other words get a good lawyer and remember you shouldnt have to give the bank ANY cash. ANOTHER BIG THING - make sure that the concession is in writing going to be RESOLVED on your credit report OR you will have to pay it if/when they go after you. Also, you will have it on your credit report for 10 years (not 7) and your fico will drop some good amount of points but it's nothing like a foreclosure where someone decided to live rent-free for 20+ payments - very stupid.

 

Be careful even with a short sale. Each state is different but you more than likely don't need to get a lawyer to do a short sale. A lot of real estate agents are now well versed in short sales and how to navigate them (I'm an agent). Your credit will not be as negatively affected as a full blown foreclosure but there is NOT much difference in the long run. You are going to ruin your credit even with a short sale. If you do go this route simply make sure the agent you choose can show you a list of all of the short sales he/she has done. If they haven't done more than 15 or 20 move along to the next agent with more experience.

 

Can you rent a room in your home until the market turns around and you can sell? My reasoning: deal with 1-2 years of a renter vs. 5-10 years of ruined credit.

[Blessings]

wtf is wrong wit these people? i mean can you be any more fu&c*ed up? no offense i love these country (THE US) but when it comes to sex and relationships, it is not as valued as it is in other countries...im not from here but in my country people take commitment very seriously...and in here sex is like shaking hands for alot of people and apparently marriage doesnt seem as important either...wtf? there is something very wrong with this mentality....

[NYCmitch25]

wtf is wrong wit these people? i mean can you be any more fu&c*ed up? no offense i love these country (THE US) but when it comes to sex and relationships, it is not as valued as it is in other countries...im not from here but in my country people take commitment very seriously...and in here sex is like shaking hands for alot of people and apparently marriage doesnt seem as important either...wtf? there is something very wrong with this mentality....

 

Thanks for imposing your "old country" views on us stupid Americans :-P - looking at eastern Europe and abroad, women are regularly beaten and have much less opportunity in life -- I'm not sure that you've got the gold standard either. I'd say countries more liberal and open about their interpersonal relationships have the best chances and not falling into such trappings.. this seemingly has it's best chances in liberal democracies ..