What if your MM or MW had other Affairs?

[Myusername]

Hi

Here is a curious question. I am trying to prepare myself for hearing some hard news I think I am going to hear. Anyway, I just a feeling...

 

How would you feel if your MM or MW or your now separated person had other affairs besides you?

 

How would you feel if he or she had them before they met you and......??

 

How would you feel if he or she had another affair (lets just say short term...) while you were still having some sort of relationship with him?

 

This question is really more directed to those in A's that are not daily, weekly things but perhaps less frequent...like this is a serious person in your life, but you dont see them that often...but you love them.

 

I am just curious how this would affect you...and how would it change the way you looked at or considered your person for the future.....???

 

thanks and Happy New Year

May it bring everyone peace and strength

Myusername

[LavendarGirl]

If I'd found that my MM was having an A with another OW at the same time as me, I'd be sooooo long gone.

 

Other history of other A's, I think would depend. If there's any sort of sign of being a serial cheater, that would be very bad news, and I wouldn't stick around any further.

[Angel1111]

If I'd found that my MM was having an A with another OW at the same time as me, I'd be sooooo long gone.

 

Other history of other A's, I think would depend. If there's any sort of sign of being a serial cheater, that would be very bad news, and I wouldn't stick around any further.

 

I agree with this 100%. If there were previous affairs, that would be a red flag and I'd need to know the circumstances first. Although this wouldn't build confidence, for sure. If he had an affair while he was having an affair with me, it would be 'game over', no questions asked. Because what that says is that you're just someone to toy with and to have sex with. Nothing more. No matter how you've built this up in your mind, it's not the same for him and you need to come to terms with it. Run, don't walk, away from this man.

[Reggie]

Anyone see the irony re this inquiry?

[LavendarGirl]

Anyone see the irony re this inquiry?

 

Yeah, Reggie, it is ironic, I agree. It's the difference IMO, whether a MM/MW fell in love with an OP (though yes, it is cheating definitely on the BS), or if the MM/MW is a serial cheater with no intentions beyond playing on peoples emotions and vulnerabilities.

[Angel1111]

Right. Most people who get involved in affairs do it because they fall in love. Serial cheaters cheat just for the sake of cheating. Not making either of their actions ok, but I do think if a person cheats just because that's what they do, or they just enjoy it, there's a huge problem; opposed to someone who may have been in a miserable marriage for several years, meets someone else and falls in love, and cheats. Big difference in my mind.

[Reggie]

I imagine this is one of the most fundamental problems with cheating, beside the immorality: How does one trust someone that has already demonstrated that he or she cannot be trusted. We can make distinctions, as Lavendar is doing. But, when you get right down to it, it is right there in front of you. You know your partner is a cheater. But, I suspect we all feel that it will be different with us.

[White Flower]

Right. Most people who get involved in affairs do it because they fall in love. Serial cheaters cheat just for the sake of cheating. Not making either of their actions ok, but I do think if a person cheats just because that's what they do, or they just enjoy it, there's a huge problem; opposed to someone who may have been in a miserable marriage for several years, meets someone else and falls in love, and cheats. Big difference in my mind.

There is a difference. Some do cheat just once and do the right thing after serious thought and discussion. We've seen that a lot here lately at LS.

 

Reggie makes a good point as well. My answer to how we trust someone after they have cheated is to watch their track record over time. There are remarried MMs and OWs here who post under anonymous names from time to time to chime in and tell us it can be done. Then they go back to posting under their regular usernames.

 

We just never know if we're the lucky one who gets the serial cheater. Again, it takes time to discover such a thing.

 

1) How would I feel if a MM had others besides me currently? Minimized

2) How would I feel if a MM had others besides me in the past? A little better, but if he said I was the first I would hate the coward in him that lied to me.

3) How would I feel if a MM had a short term A during an A with me? Absolutely ballistic.

4) The future of such an A would be altered, as my reality would have been altered, and I would either put an end to the A or find a way to make it work for us both. Some people are OK with multiple As; I am not.

 

To tell you the truth, if someone in the future told me he was involved with several women (and of course was practicing safe sex) I don't think it would bother me. It would only bother me if he told me I was the only one and found out I wasn't. Truth is very important to me and I believe a MM can be truthful with an OW even if he is not being truthful with his W.

 

I've never lied to a MM and so I believe a MM does not have to lie to me.

[Angel1111]

It would only bother me if he told me I was the only one and found out I wasn't.

 

I agree. xMM told me that he had never cheated in his 18-yr marriage and I believed him. But, by accident, I found out for certain through a very reliable source that he was actually telling me the truth. If I had been told otherwise, it would've changed my view of him.

[White Flower]

I agree. xMM told me that he had never cheated in his 18-yr marriage and I believed him. But, by accident, I found out for certain through a very reliable source that he was actually telling me the truth. If I had been told otherwise, it would've changed my view of him.

That is wonderful. Just curious as to whether you think he'll leave to be with you?

[Angel1111]

That is wonderful. Just curious as to whether you think he'll leave to be with you?

 

I used to think so but I don't anymore. The same source that told me that MM never had an affair also told me that MM once said that his wife's jealousy and control was truly pissing him off and that 'what she should really be afraid of is [Angel]'. I always believed that his wife knew they didn't have a good marriage and that caused her to feel insecure, so she constantly watched him - long before I came along. But he made that statement 4 yrs ago. I don't think he feels that way anymore. He told me recently that a divorce would be messy, emotional and expensive. So he'll stay married to her.

[OWoman]

Hi

Here is a curious question. I am trying to prepare myself for hearing some hard news I think I am going to hear. Anyway, I just a feeling...

 

How would you feel if your MM or MW or your now separated person had other affairs besides you?

 

How would you feel if he or she had them before they met you and......??

 

How would you feel if he or she had another affair (lets just say short term...) while you were still having some sort of relationship with him?

 

This question is really more directed to those in A's that are not daily, weekly things but perhaps less frequent...like this is a serious person in your life, but you dont see them that often...but you love them.

 

I am just curious how this would affect you...and how would it change the way you looked at or considered your person for the future.....???

 

Sexual exclusivity is no issue for me - but honesty is. So if I'd been told the lie of the land, I'd have no problem with it. If I had been sold something else, and then discovered the reality was different, he'd be toast.

[jj33]

Angel it always amazes me how similar our situations sound. I thought for the longest time that he would eventually leave to be with me that it was just a matter of time. She also watched him like a hawk and still does and apparently she still thinks that the A could rekindle between us tho it could not. I would not go back to an A under any circumstances.

 

And he seems to think that divorcing is just too much trouble.Too expensive and messy. Better to stay married.

[Angel1111]

And he seems to think that divorcing is just too much trouble.Too expensive and messy. Better to stay married.

 

I've noticed that men usually choose money and responsibility over love. And a lot of women choose control and manipulation. If I had to control and threaten a man in order for him to stay with me, I'd rather let him go.

[Myusername]

Thanks everyone for your replies.

 

I agree with a lot that was said. I got my answer from my Separated MM and it was the best possible answer for me, and I trust it because he told me something very personal he had never said before or told anyone..so I trust this part at least.

 

Yes if I were with a MM that had several affairs before me, or during out time, I would get the hell out fast. In my case, the ex MM fell for me, and me for him, and it just was hard to figure it all out. Yes I do think men choose financially security, family and what they SHOULD do, obligations, over love..many times...and who can blame them. I do blame them for going outside the marriage or relationship instead of working out their own issues, but I do also see why they are so torn between going and staying, especially with kids and financial craziness...

 

Your posts help me a lot. I still am unsure what I will do with my sep MM but i am getting more clarity and feel better now that I can ask some questions and he is answering them quickly and I think, honestly..which is a nice thing.

 

I have no big visions of being with him for life or anything, but would really want to see him, really...:-) for a quick weekend or day or two and just be together.

 

It would be amazing, but i am respected his need for time and to work out his separation, issues and my need not to be there right now.

 

THIS group has been such a great asset to me, i cant thank you all enough really....from the heart

 

MUN

[jj33]

LOL I think that is because historically that is what men and women had - men had the money and responsibiity and women had manipulation and control at their disposal nothing concrete to "trade"

 

And so as not to totally hijack the thread

 

if he even thought about having an affiar with someone else when we were together I would have left.

 

The fact that he had other affairs before me was not important to me. He didnt know me then.

 

In my view, what someone did before me, like what I did before him is not relevant to our relationship.

 

I know others feel very differently and they view peoples actions over their lives as a critical view of their morals and their scruples etc but I dont see it that way.

 

I think certain things are more situational and that people can change and their responses to their circumstances can change over time.

[herenow]

Most people who get involved in affairs do it because they fall in love.

 

I have to disagree with this. Most MM who have affairs and fall in love are the ones that leave to be with the OW. We have seen it on this board and it's very rare. IMO, most MM who have affairs do it because they are looking to fill a void within themselves, and an OW who is willing to be with a MM will accomplish that goal.

 

When a man is truly in love with a woman, he will (IMO) find a way to be with her. A man who is having an affair is already splitting his time between his family (kids and BW) and the OW. He is already putting himself at financial risk and he is already making his life more complicated.

 

I think you will find that most BW's wouldn't want to be married to a man who loves an OW. If a MM stays with his wife it's because that is what he wants to do. He can still have his kids and his money without his wife, but he chooses the whole package and his BW happens to be part of it because that is the way he wants it. Millions of fathers are divorced and manage to share custody of their kids.

 

It seems to me that if a MM loves the OW, life would be so much easier for him to get a divorce, let his BW find true love of her own and honestly be with the OW. Divorce is not uncommon and there is no reason to stay married to someone you don't love especially if you love someone else.

 

If a man is in love with a woman, he will do what it takes to be with her. Any excuse is just that, an excuse.

[Angel1111]

When a man is truly in love with a woman, he will (IMO) find a way to be with her.

 

Not always.

[herenow]

Not always.

 

Then, IMO, it's not true love. Any MM with a heart that is capable of truly loving another person wouldn't stay married to someone that they don't love. In addition to the pain that it would cause not being able to be with the one they love, they would certainly care enough about their BW to give her the chance to be able to find true love as well. Anything short of that is only selfishness to both the BW and OW. How can you say that is true love? I don't think a MM who has an affair and stays married loves anyone, not even himself.

[jj33]

Herenow there are many people who stay married because they "feel" stuck

 

not that they "are in fact" stuck but they feel hemmed in by circumstance obligation honor etc etc etc all the things that are discussed.

 

Is it really that complicated? Not necessarily, if they really love the other person and really are unhappy in the marriage.

 

But its all a matter of perspective. Some people would say if its too complicated its not real love but its not always the truth. many things are relative.

[herenow]

Herenow there are many people who stay married because they "feel" stuck

 

not that they "are in fact" stuck but they feel hemmed in by circumstance obligation honor etc etc etc all the things that are discussed.

 

Is it really that complicated? Not necessarily, if they really love the other person and really are unhappy in the marriage.

 

But its all a matter of perspective. Some people would say

 

A person who stays married because it's the right thing to do, honor etc., isn't the type of person tho have a dishonest affair in the first place. You can't have it both ways. How can you say that a person is so committed and dedicated to doing the right thing and that same person is so dishonest to stay married and truly love an OW on the side?

[Reggie]

You are doing a nice job poking holes in the OW fantasy/rationalization, Here. It won't be popular, but you are asking all the right questions and making the right observations, IMO.

Fact is that divorce is not complicated. It is merely accounting. MM is doing a cost/benefit analysis when he decides to stay in a marriage. Not terrbily romantic, eh or indicative of true love.

Most guys wind up fine finanacially after a divorce. In the states, typically, one pays 25-35% of net income as child support, depending on the # of kids. Who can't live by oneself off 65% of their income?

If someone loves another, he does not cheat on that person, nor does he remain married to someone he does not love.

[jj33]

Im not saying that they are acting honorably

 

I am saying THEY think they are doing the honorable thing by staying.

 

I agree that their guidelines are self serving but that is what many people believe.

 

I will never forget hearing a friend of mine explained that she cheated on her husband because "nice kids like us" dont divorce. Rubbish. But peoples beliefs are not always the same as ours.

 

You cant KNOW whether someone else loves someone based solely on whether they leave a marraige. Its far more complicated than that.

[jj33]

Reggie where I live the man typically loses 50% if he has children and 50% for life if he has been married for a long time and his wife has not worked. Many men dont end up better off. And in most cases the wives end up much worse off. They go from raising a family in a large family home to raising a family (minus the H) in a home purchased with the 1/2 the proceeds of the sale of the house... not so good.

 

And most people cant live on 1/2 of what they lived on before. Most people on a much greater proportion of what they bring home. Im not saying it cant be done I am just saying its not easy and there is typically financial sacrifice involved for the whole family.

 

In the case of the man I was involved with, if he ever left he would lose 50% of his assets and 50% of his salary/pension forever unless they were able to agree upon some form of clean break but I dont think he would have the assets to pay her off now for the rest of her life.

[herenow]

Im not saying that they are acting honorably

 

I am saying THEY think they are doing the honorable thing by staying.

 

I agree that their guidelines are self serving but that is what many people believe.

 

I will never forget hearing a friend of mine explained that she cheated on her husband because "nice kids like us" dont divorce. Rubbish. But peoples beliefs are not always the same as ours.

 

You cant KNOW whether someone else loves someone based solely on whether they leave a marriage. Its far more complicated than that.

 

If the MM stays married to his wife, he is disrespecting his BW that he doesn't love and the OW if he truly loves her. How can you say that he truly loves the OW when he isn't willing to give up his life with his wife?

 

He will always be a father to his children. He may not be able to afford his lifestyle for a while, but isn't true love more valuable than material objects? It's not like he will lose his job if he gets divorced.

 

We are talking true love here, not just an affair for sex. There is no reason for a MM who loves a OW to stay married. Lot's of excuses, but no real reason. JMHO.