herenow Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 In my best effort to look at the situation from the OP's point of view, I would guess that the feeling an OW gets when she finds out that the MM has had affairs before her, is not much different than the feeling the BW gets when she finds out about an affair. The felling that she really didn't know that person as well as she thought she did. So, I do think that a BW can relate in that way. Link to post Share on other sites
Mio Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 I would guess So you're saying you've never been in an affair? Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 Well said, Owl. But you left off the rest of my statement, Mio: Actually, I think it's a question that can only be answered by someone who's been through it...otherwise it's the same as if it were anyone else guessing. Ya don't know what you're gonna do til you get there. Which makes the entire thread a moot point from post #1. Check, please? IF we go on the assumption that the only input that matters is from those that have been thru it already, that means that this entire thread was useless from post #1. Because the question was phrased "What if...". Anything else IS just speculation...which makes this thread irrelevent if speculation is useless...and if discussion around the situation is meaningless. So are we all just wasting our time here, or is it possible that everyone might have something good to contribute? Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 So you're saying you've never been in an affair? No, never, I'm the BW. Like I said before, some of the best discussions I have had are with those who disagree with me. Opinions from those who have different experiences serve to help understand the whole picture. This goes for everything, not just affairs. Link to post Share on other sites
Mio Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 But you left off the rest of my statement, Mio: IF we go on the assumption that the only input that matters is from those that have been thru it already, that means that this entire thread was useless from post #1. Because the question was phrased "What if...". Anything else IS just speculation...which makes this thread irrelevent if speculation is useless...and if discussion around the situation is meaningless. So are we all just wasting our time here, or is it possible that everyone might have something good to contribute? The original question was aimed at people currently in an affair: How would you feel if your MM or MW or your now separated person had other affairs besides you? How would you feel if he or she had them before they met you and......?? How would you feel if he or she had another affair (lets just say short term...) while you were still having some sort of relationship with him? and in particular: This question is really more directed to those in A's that are not daily, weekly things but perhaps less frequent...like this is a serious person in your life, but you dont see them that often...but you love them. It's an interesting question that gets into the nature of trust, jealousy and possession. I don't see how it could be considered "useless" or self-contradictory. I can answer the topic question if you want. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 It's asking "what would you do if"... It's not asking "what did you do when"... Anyone can answer a "what if" question... Link to post Share on other sites
White Flower Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 No, never, I'm the BW. Like I said before, some of the best discussions I have had are with those who disagree with me. Opinions from those who have different experiences serve to help understand the whole picture. This goes for everything, not just affairs. Herenow and Owl always contribute excellent points and perspectives to these conversations. Link to post Share on other sites
Mio Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 No, never, I'm the BW. Like I said before, some of the best discussions I have had are with those who disagree with me. Opinions from those who have different experiences serve to help understand the whole picture. This goes for everything, not just affairs. I'm sorry to hear that you are the BW. I don't mean to be mean about this - because I do value a wide range of opinions - but the question is impossible to answer until you have been an active participant in an affair. It gets into that whole tricky area about trust and possession. How can there be real trust between affair partners? And can we still feel jealous, even though a WS is probably still sleeping with their BS on occasion? Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 Herenow and Owl always contribute excellent points and perspectives to these conversations. Thank you WF. Right back at ya! Happy New Year. Link to post Share on other sites
Mio Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 It's asking "what would you do if"... It's not asking "what did you do when"... Anyone can answer a "what if" question... I don't get what you are trying to say. I know it's a hypothetical. But it did presume certain qualities of the respondents. It's not a redundant question. Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 I'm sorry to hear that you are the BW. I don't mean to be mean about this - because I do value a wide range of opinions - but the question is impossible to answer until you have been an active participant in an affair. It gets into that whole tricky area about trust and possession. How can there be real trust between affair partners? And can we still feel jealous, even though a WS is probably still sleeping with their BS on occasion? First, thanks for saying your sorry, but I have come out of this experience a better wife, mother, friend, sister, daughter, etc. I really do have much more understanding about relationships. It may not show in this thread, but there are times when I have been able to "support" people by sharing my experience. One of the reasons I still come here is because I have made some friends that I like to keep in touch with. While we remain anonymous and connect only on LS, I still care about them and no matter if they are OW's or BW's we have all felt the pain that adultery can cause. Link to post Share on other sites
Mio Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 First, thanks for saying your sorry, but I have come out of this experience a better wife, mother, friend, sister, daughter, etc. I really do have much more understanding about relationships. It may not show in this thread, but there are times when I have been able to "support" people by sharing my experience. One of the reasons I still come here is because I have made some friends that I like to keep in touch with. While we remain anonymous and connect only on LS, I still care about them and no matter if they are OW's or BW's we have all felt the pain that adultery can cause. I'm glad you feel that you have been able to take something positive from it all. Yes, adultery is painful for everyone involved. There are rarely any winners. Link to post Share on other sites
Mio Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 Do you mean people would would be the type to participate in an affair v. those who would not? No. People who are in an affair. I'm really not trying to be ornery about all of this, but ever since I landed at LS, I've found myself doing battle. Some of that is sport, I admit. But I'm really perplexed as to why so many of these threads end up in definitional battles. I can understand how and why people argue in real life. We hear what we want to hear. Sometimes we are distracted. Sometimes we are just preparing what we want to say next, instead of listening to the person in front of us. But how do we get it so wrong on the Internet? The words are in front of us permanently. When a question says: This question is really more directed to those in A's that are not daily, weekly things but perhaps less frequent is there really any doubt as to who the audience is? Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 I'm glad you feel that you have been able to take something positive from it all. Yes, adultery is painful for everyone involved. There are rarely any winners. If you take a look at the threads with the most comments, you will find that it's the ones with conflict and debate. I think that's because people who have been touch by infidelity have a lot to say to those on both sides. It's human nature to want to explore what we don't understand. You say you think just those who have been involved in an affairs and can show "support" should be here, but you have been one of the main contributors on this thread talking to a bunch of BS's. I think that tells me that you really don't want us to leave. JMO. Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 Well, when a person in an affair asks a question, and ONLY people in an affair are allowed to answer, you are most DEFINITELY going to hear what you want to hear! LMAO And they say BW's are in denial. Link to post Share on other sites
Mio Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 If you take a look at the threads with the most comments, you will find that it's the ones with conflict and debate. I think that's because people who have been touch by infidelity have a lot to say to those on both sides. It's human nature to want to explore what we don't understand. When you put it that way, that's fair enough. You say you think just those who have been involved in an affairs and can show "support" show be here You might be confusing two things there. I'm only saying that this particular thread should be answered by people in affairs. The support in general on this forum can come from anyone. but you have been one of the main contributors on this thread talking to a bunch of BW's. I think that tells me that you really don't want us to leave. JMO. No, I don't want anyone to leave as such. What I really wanted to see was less judgement. I still think that every person has a valuable contribution to make. Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 When you put it that way, that's fair enough. You might be confusing two things there. I'm only saying that this particular thread should be answered by people in affairs. The support in general on this forum can come from anyone. No, I don't want anyone to leave as such. What I really wanted to see was less judgement. I still think that every person has a valuable contribution to make. OK, so we can agree that even an opposing opinion can be valuable. Are we making headway in an effort to understand each other? If so, then my (and your) opinion on this thread has been of value to us both. Link to post Share on other sites
Mio Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 Well, when a person in an affair asks a question, and ONLY people in an affair are allowed to answer, you are most DEFINITELY going to hear what you want to hear! LMAO You've misunderstood what I was trying to say, and you may have misunderstood what this thread originally asked. I'm guessing the OP is long gone, so it's all become moot I think. Link to post Share on other sites
Mio Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 OK, so we can agree that even an opposing opinion can be valuable. Are we making headway in an effort to understand each other? If so, then my (and your) opinion on this thread has been of value to us both. As long as people aren't shouting at each other from ideological positions (like on Fox News), then an interchange of opposing opinions will always be valuable. Link to post Share on other sites
herenow Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 As long as people aren't shouting at each other from ideological positions (like on Fox News), then an interchange of opposing opinions will always be valuable. So, do you agree with me that our conversation has value? Link to post Share on other sites
Reggie Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 I never saw this discussion as being all that hostile or uncivil. Folks were making good points, respectfully, but forcefully. No berating , name calling etc that I could see. Who grows if a bunch of automatons respond simply echoing one anothers' views? I'd have a beer with any of the folks that disagree with me and discuss this and it would be okay. I just did not see it getting out of hand in any way. Link to post Share on other sites
Mio Posted January 13, 2009 Share Posted January 13, 2009 So, do you agree with me that our conversation has value? Yes. I prefer these sort of calm dialogues. It should be said though that I find value in all conversations. As much as I have my own meta-outrage (outrage about outrage), I'm still learning a lot about other people and what makes them tick. It has made me aware too that I bring a lot of assumptions in with me, assumptions that are not correct. Link to post Share on other sites
Mio Posted January 13, 2009 Share Posted January 13, 2009 I never saw this discussion as being all that hostile or uncivil. Folks were making good points, respectfully, but forcefully. No berating , name calling etc that I could see. Who grows if a bunch of automatons respond simply echoing one anothers' views? I'd have a beer with any of the folks that disagree with me and discuss this and it would be okay. I just did not see it getting out of hand in any way. I would have a beer with every single one of you. While I disagree on some issues of forum conduct, I still actually like you all as people. As I may have said elsewhere, my home forum is one where there is no judgement. We are, in a sense, your "bunch of automatons". We do grow though. We are always helping people to move into NC and to realise once more their own self-worth. It's amazing how willing they are to absorb that message when someone isn't beating them over the head with it! As the saying goes, you catch a lot more flies with honey than vinegar Link to post Share on other sites
Mio Posted January 13, 2009 Share Posted January 13, 2009 It's suddenly moot because I made a valid point, right? No, I meant that the original topic was moot. But I see the OP is still around. EVERYONE can contribute to a thread. I really wish people would stop saying "stay out of our forum" and such. If someone gets out of line, report them. Otherwise, everyone gets to participate, like it or not. I'll try that (i.e. use the Report button). In addition, I believe my answer to the original question is quite valid, even though I'm not in an affair, if you can manage to find it among all these ramblings. lol I couldn't find it. But I'm guessing it had the words "sneak", "sociopath", "cheat" and "integrity" in it If someone asked me, "What's it like driving a Ford Mustang?", I don't think it's enough that I: drive a Toyotahave seen a Mustang on the roadhave crashed into a Mustanghate Mustangs and everything they stand for I would think my opinion only carries any validity if I currently drive a Mustang, or if I used to drive one (and qualify my answer accordingly). Feel free to disagree though Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted January 13, 2009 Share Posted January 13, 2009 And they say BW's are in denial. I thought they said we were all bitter and angry.:pMaybe somebody should write a list of what I am supposed to feel so I can get it right. Link to post Share on other sites
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