What if your MM or MW had other Affairs?

[Lizzie60]

It is easy to get them to bury their head in the sand. There is so much at stake. One has to live with so much turmoil and distress if they are going to take back a serial cheater. Just act like nothing happened and you can fake your dignity forever.

 

Ouch.. but well said..

[KismetGirl]

Hi

Here is a curious question. I am trying to prepare myself for hearing some hard news I think I am going to hear. Anyway, I just a feeling...

 

Ok...

 

How would you feel if your MM or MW or your now separated person had other affairs besides you?

 

I'd probably be upset. I think everyone wants to feel "special", you know? However unrealistic or naive that may sound. But in my current affair...my MM has told me I am the first and only woman he has ever cheated on his wife with. Considering when I met him and how long this has been going on, I'm inclined to believe him. He has no reason to lie to me about it.

 

How would you feel if he or she had them before they met you and......??

 

IF he had had another affair, obviously I'd rather it was before he met me, but at the same time, this would also indicate he's a serial cheater....and in that case, I thin it would make it all but impossible to ever actually trust him in the future. If I'm convinced I was the one and only affair that's one thing....but if he's just having affair after affair, and is out just for sex, that's a different story entirely.

 

How would you feel if he or she had another affair (lets just say short term...) while you were still having some sort of relationship with him?

 

If I found out he slept with another woman besides his wife , you mean? I'd end the A. Due to same reasons as stated above...that solidifies that he is in this just for sex and has no emotions whatsoever about it. It would just be too much of a slap in the face, I guess. Sharing him with his wife is hard enough.

 

This question is really more directed to those in A's that are not daily, weekly things but perhaps less frequent...like this is a serious person in your life, but you dont see them that often...but you love them.

 

I am just curious how this would affect you...and how would it change the way you looked at or considered your person for the future.....???

 

thanks and Happy New Year

May it bring everyone peace and strength

Myusername

 

Yeah....so its hard enough just the way it is. If I found out he slept with anyone else I think it would ruin any sense of of any positive feelings I have towards him at all. I guess some people would think he has no redeeming qualities at all being a cheater.....but I truly believe that my MM, at least, has not been with anyone but me and his wife in the last seven years, and to me (I hope) that even if he never leaves his wife, it means that his affair with me wasn't just cause he wanted a roll in the hay.

[White Flower]

Well getting back to the original question... and if this was put more succinctly in this 34 page thread please forgive me, I haven't read it all.

 

I think that if an MM/MW is having an affair with only you, the OP, and you are the only one they have had then you can romantize that it is all about you. You are so special to them that they crossed that line. "love conquers all" etc. On rare occasions this may be true (a handful of 30+ year marriages of OP/MP out there etc).

 

Discovering that a MM/MW has multiple affairs makes it quite clear the affair is all about them and that you are simply being used to fulfill an end.

Bullseye!

 

Why can't we post one word and leave it at that? LS says I can't just post that one word. So here are a few more.

[Spark1111]

In year one of my WS's affair he was madly in love with her, she was the only one, a future together, etc.

 

In year two, well reality began to erode the fantasy of her: her problems, her issues with her exH, her needs, her drama, etc.

 

On DDAy, I not only discovered her, I discovered casual emails to former girlfriends, current woman. He was....trawling? the waters so to speak.

 

A sad and lonely man looking to fill an empty void inside, incapable of meeting anyone else's needs but HIS OWN. I'm sure his OW had no clue about his trawling behaviors. I hope she never does. She's been hurt enough.

 

But if it was so easy for him to lie to me, I wonder what makes OW/OM so convinced he is not lying to them? IMHO, the TRUE reality is the person engaging in an affair is first, and foremost, LYING TO THEMSELVES. True happiness is about fulfilling one's own needs before you are even capable of filling another's.

 

I agree with HERENOW: True love always finds away. True confusion stumbles and stutters and vaciliates and sits on the fence for way too long, and leaves a path of destruction in its wake.

[White Flower]

In year one of my WS's affair he was madly in love with her, she was the only one, a future together, etc.

 

In year two, well reality began to erode the fantasy of her: her problems, her issues with her exH, her needs, her drama, etc.

 

On DDAy, I not only discovered her, I discovered casual emails to former girlfriends, current woman. He was....trawling? the waters so to speak.

 

A sad and lonely man looking to fill an empty void inside, incapable of meeting anyone else's needs but HIS OWN. I'm sure his OW had no clue about his trawling behaviors. I hope she never does. She's been hurt enough.

 

But if it was so easy for him to lie to me, I wonder what makes OW/OM so convinced he is not lying to them? IMHO, the TRUE reality is the person engaging in an affair is first, and foremost, LYING TO THEMSELVES. True happiness is about fulfilling one's own needs before you are even capable of filling another's.

 

I agree with HERENOW: True love always finds away. True confusion stumbles and stutters and vaciliates and sits on the fence for way too long, and leaves a path of destruction in its wake.

I am answering the bolded part. Excellent post, BTW.

 

The OW/OM is convinced because we hear things like, 'This is the first time I've ever done anything like this' and they say it in the precise moment with just the right inflection. These are skilled liars! And so many other coincidenses back up that first lie that one can't help but believe it. And maybe the WANT to believe it as well.

[Chrome Barracuda]

...What's the point?

[White Flower]

...What's the point?

Good question and I think it is the one we ponder before we decide to bolt or partake in an A.

 

When a MM says things like, ''Ive never done this before, I'm unhappy, I just don't love her anymore", it can be interpreted that his M is over and he may be free one day soon. For some MM, they actually mean those things and act on them by moving out, getting divorced and remarrying. My father took this path.

 

Other MM say these things but don't act on them; in fact they oftentimes go back on what they said leaving the OW wondering how she ended up in such an R.

 

Yes we should wait until they are D'd before we enter into an R with them but life is short and chances are slim and sometimes the pain is worth the experience.

[NoIDidn't]

I so disagree with the post about a BW faking her dignity in taking back a cheater of any stripe.

 

She did nothing wrong. Her choices in her life and marriage are no one else's to judge. There is no dignity to fake when one hasn't done anything wrong.

 

We might not agree with her choices, but to insult her and say she is faking her dignity sounds like plain old projection. Putting the sins of the OPs and MPs on the BSs is just plain bunk.

 

Faking her dignity. Give me a break.

[White Flower]

I so disagree with the post about a BW faking her dignity in taking back a cheater of any stripe.

 

She did nothing wrong. Her choices in her life and marriage are no one else's to judge. There is no dignity to fake when one hasn't done anything wrong.

 

We might not agree with her choices, but to insult her and say she is faking her dignity sounds like plain old projection. Putting the sins of the OPs and MPs on the BSs is just plain bunk.

 

Faking her dignity. Give me a break.

As a BS myself, I know there were times I felt I had to fake my dignity. In business I had to act like everything was peachy king. When I felt like crying I had to walk into my business with a smile on my face and appear as if all was well. With acquaintances I had to show an exterior that did not match my interior and that of my M.

 

I in no way suggested the BW did anything wrong whatsoever. It is just that she may keep a man she no longer respects due to his actions because of social pressures, family pressures, and financial pressures.

 

My exMM's W said all the time that she would cut off his family jewels should she discover an A of any kind but I know that if she truly knew about our A or any other she would keep him anyway. Her financial future and social identity depends it. Thus, she will save face (fake her dignity) in order to secure those things.

[LakesideDream]

As a BS myself, I know there were times I felt I had to fake my dignity. In business I had to act like everything was peachy king. When I felt like crying I had to walk into my business with a smile on my face and appear as if all was well. With acquaintances I had to show an exterior that did not match my interior and that of my M.

 

I in no way suggested the BW did anything wrong whatsoever. It is just that she may keep a man she no longer respects due to his actions because of social pressures, family pressures, and financial pressures.

 

My exMM's W said all the time that she would cut off his family jewels should she discover an A of any kind but I know that if she truly knew about our A or any other she would keep him anyway. Her financial future and social identity depends it. Thus, she will save face (fake her dignity) in order to secure those things.

 

 

Life is so difficult. I'm an educated man and never have I learned how to live with the pain of lonliness. Chrome, and Owl, even Wogg can preach away, or rant and rave, about respect and being faithful. You, I, we any of us can think we are happy, and satisfied. Until....

 

Someone happens, and we wake up the next morning with a hole the size of a fist in our heart. A hole that screams to be filled. So many things change that morning.

 

Unless it's happened to you, and it doesen't happen to everyone, it's hard to explain and nearly impossible for others to understand. Truely a life changing event. No one whose lived it is ever the same.

 

Personally, while I may know in my mind that it's "not right". The heart needs what it needs. I can tell everyone reading I'd rather be shot than feel the pain of a lonely heart. I just was never given the choice. Sometimes I don't want to breath.

[White Flower]

Personally, while I may know in my mind that it's "not right". The heart needs what it needs. I can tell everyone reading I'd rather be shot than feel the pain of a lonely heart. I just was never given the choice. Sometimes I don't want to breath.

A very wise man once told me that 'something was infinitely better than nothing'. That is true for the BS whose WS has wandered, for the OW who doesn't get her man, for the lonely man who patiently waits, for everyone.

 

Something.

[Chrome Barracuda]

That's a bunch of BS LSD there are such things called personal boundries if you dont have those ingrained in your very fabric of yourself you will float in life trying to fill that hole up and you know what in some ways you'll never be satisfied. The newness will wear off and the shine will loose it's luster than you'll be back to square one.

 

And that's the sad part, you know it's wrong but the heart is not always right. The only person you can control in life is yourself. If you have no self control over your emotions than how are you gonna navigate your way in life?

 

There have been plently of women I wanted to slay out but I respected them because they was in relationships, It's not in me to step across the line I think before I leap. I dont let my fantasies control me. I control them. Self control is key. But onto the topic again, how could I trust a MW to be faithful to me when she's capable of cheating and deceit. Hmmmm...

 

I cant! lol.

[LakesideDream]

That's a bunch of BS LSD there are such things called personal boundries if you dont have those ingrained in your very fabric of yourself you will float in life trying to fill that hole up and you know what in some ways you'll never be satisfied. The newness will wear off and the shine will loose it's luster than you'll be back to square one.

 

And that's the sad part, you know it's wrong but the heart is not always right. The only person you can control in life is yourself. If you have no self control over your emotions than how are you gonna navigate your way in life?

 

There have been plently of women I wanted to slay out but I respected them because they was in relationships, It's not in me to step across the line I think before I leap. I dont let my fantasies control me. I control them. Self control is key. But onto the topic again, how could I trust a MW to be faithful to me when she's capable of cheating and deceit. Hmmmm...

 

I cant! lol.

 

Rant on Chrome. I won't live long enough for you to be my age. I'm happy everything is so black and white for you. Trust me, it makes thing a lot easier.

 

Chrome a little self restraint might benefit you. I learned personal boundries, and respect for others the hard way, back in the day when those things mattered, back when words had meaning, back when grammer was actually expected, when empathy was a virtue. I learned that until you can turn that powerful engine of examination inward it was a useless tool.

 

I'm not afraid to judge or be judged. At times my life and the lives of many others depended on my ability to judge other peoples capabilities, and their hearts. I'm must have passed those tests as I'm still here wasting oxygen.

 

I'll have to live with my shortcomings. Sadly, I'll most probably live with them alone. That hole I talked about earlier? It's there to stay. I don't wish that on you carnale, or on anybody. I cannot bring myself to condem on those who seek to fill it. Remember it's the choices that you don't make that hurt you the most. A week in paradise is worth more than a life full of riches unshared.

[Chrome Barracuda]

Who said I was judging you???

 

Dont assume I am I'm just saying what it is. You said you had to learn the hard way, really? but have you learned? You said the hole is here to stay? Hmmm so you'll never be forfilled by self worth and respect, and if not why wont you change it? Is that what you do for the rest of your life, just floating, no self control? no self respect? I mean be real with me.

 

I aint ranting and raving but im just P.O. that we have a bunch of grown adults acting like emotionally stunted 16 yr olds. IT's a damn shame.

[Reggie]

Got news for you LSD, the world has always been this way. There have always been folks that lack bundaries and will stab you in the back. But, you get to choose not to be one of them.

Sounds like your XW's cheating embittered you, or at least made you resigned to join the ranks of these folks. Everyone expieriences lonliness. It's part of life. Searching to fill this hole by chasing a married woman and hurting her spouse just because it was done to you is not right. Maybe the guy that cheated with your wife had the same rationalization as you.

WTF? I would rather be alone than cheat with some guy's wife.