What if your MM or MW had other Affairs?

[wildsoul]

In my view, what someone did before me, like what I did before him is not relevant to our relationship.

 

I know others feel very differently and they view peoples actions over their lives as a critical view of their morals and their scruples etc but I dont see it that way.

 

I think certain things are more situational and that people can change and their responses to their circumstances can change over time.

Agreed, and it's worth underlining that people can change for the better or for the worse. I'm not very judgemental about someone's past, as long as I see signs that they have changed for the better in the present.

 

Last spring, during one of the times when I was broken up with my MM, I learned he was dating another OW. It wasn't simultaneously, which I know for a fact, but a couple weeks after I broke up with him. She made a point of tracking me down and contacted me thru an online forum. She told me she was infatuated with him, and was very distraught because all he did was talk about me ALL the time. He was crying about losing the love of his life, and how he blew it, yada yada. He had a chance for a no-strings A with her, but it wasn't what he really wanted. So while it showed me that he was seeking a replacement A in my absence, his heart couldn't do it. He wanted me.

[herenow]

Agreed, and it's worth underlining that people can change for the better or for the worse. I'm not very judgemental about someone's past, as long as I see signs that they have changed for the better in the present.

 

Last spring, during one of the times when I was broken up with my MM, I learned he was dating another OW. It wasn't simultaneously, which I know for a fact, but a couple weeks after I broke up with him. She made a point of tracking me down and contacted me thru an online forum. She told me she was infatuated with him, and was very distraught because all he did was talk about me ALL the time. He was crying about losing the love of his life, and how he blew it, yada yada. He had a chance for a no-strings A with her, but it wasn't what he really wanted. So while it showed me that he was seeking a replacement A in my absence, his heart couldn't do it. He wanted me.

 

Is his ego hurt because you broke up with him?

 

Why would he have another OW if you are the love of his life?

 

Is he just a guy who needs to have some action on the side?

 

Why was it so easy for him to move on and why is he still married if you are the one he loves? Aren't you worth fighting for? Aren't you worth more than money or the hassle of a divorce?

[herenow]

Reggie where I live the man typically loses 50% if he has children and 50% for life if he has been married for a long time and his wife has not worked. Many men dont end up better off. And in most cases the wives end up much worse off. They go from raising a family in a large family home to raising a family (minus the H) in a home purchased with the 1/2 the proceeds of the sale of the house... not so good.

 

And most people cant live on 1/2 of what they lived on before. Most people on a much greater proportion of what they bring home. Im not saying it cant be done I am just saying its not easy and there is typically financial sacrifice involved for the whole family.

 

In the case of the man I was involved with, if he ever left he would lose 50% of his assets and 50% of his salary/pension forever unless they were able to agree upon some form of clean break but I dont think he would have the assets to pay her off now for the rest of her life.

 

Are you saying that you were not worth him giving up his lifestyle? Or, is he saying that you were not worth him giving up his lifestyle? Either way, how can you call that love?

 

People make lifestyle adjustments for reasons other than divorce and they still survive. We are in a bad economy where many people have unfortunately lost their houses and jobs, but they still survive and they will thrive again when things get better. Just like people who get divorced will thrive again. Isn't love worth the struggle?

[JamesM]

Anyone see the irony re this inquiry?

 

Yes, Reggie. We agree on this one. But Lavendar DOES make a good point.....

 

It's the difference IMO, whether a MM/MW fell in love with an OP (though yes, it is cheating definitely on the BS), or if the MM/MW is a serial cheater with no intentions beyond playing on peoples emotions and vulnerabilities.

 

And that brings up the next question of...how do you know if you are the first in a series of affairs or are part of a series of affairs? What does make you think he or she will quit with you?

 

What is the motivation of an affair?

 

Most people who get involved in affairs do it because they fall in love. Serial cheaters cheat just for the sake of cheating.

 

I disagree with this. While I agree with the second part that serial cheaters cheat for the thrill of cheating...whether it be the secrecy or the sexual variety, I do not agree with the first part.

 

I think most people actually become involved in an affair because of the lack of commitment when there is dissatisfaction in their marriage. The ones who are committed will not "fall in love" and begin an affair. They recognize that we will always have feelings of attraction to the opposite sex. They recognize that the "in love" feelings will diminish, but it is the commitment of love that brings the marriage through the tough times. They realize that the pleasure of a short affair will be outweighed by the pain caused by that affair. This does not mean that they never struggle with the idea of an affair. In fact as I type, I can think of a couple women that I feel an attraction for. BUT...the attraction does not outweigh the satisfaction and love and commitment I have towards my wife. If I were completely dissatisfied with my wife for whatever reasons and had no hope for change, then if the situation was there, this attraction might be acted upon...if I did not feel the strong commitment to my marriage. I realize that I am no different from other men.

 

It is not love that starts an affair but the lack of love IMO.

 

Does "true love" develop from such an affair? Undoubtedly. Can a completely trusting and faithful relationship begin with such a foundation? That is questionable.

 

Back to topic....

 

If I were in an affair and I discovered that she was cheating on me, then yes, I would consider it a breach of trust...even if we both know we are breaking the trust of our married partner. Ironic as it sounds, an affair IS a committed relationship of sorts. There must be the trust that certain expectations are met. And the most important one is...we are faithful to each other even if we are unfaithful to our spouses.

[wildsoul]

Is his ego hurt because you broke up with him?

 

Why would he have another OW if you are the love of his life?

 

Is he just a guy who needs to have some action on the side?

 

Why was it so easy for him to move on and why is he still married if you are the one he loves? Aren't you worth fighting for? Aren't you worth more than money or the hassle of a divorce?

The unflattering truth as to why he got another OW was that he was medicating the pain, distracting himself, and probably trying to sooth his ego. Yet I understand the how sometimes a person wants a rebound post-break up. And the story shows that it WASN'T easy for him to move on. He tried, but his heart was still with me. We hadn't been together very long yet, but he ended up renting a room and beginning the separation from his W at that time (which was the only way I would agree to date him again.) At the end of August, he took it further and moved out into a full apartment with a lease.

 

I've been giving him a bit more time to go ahead and file his D papers. His W has been unemployed for about a year and a half. They don't have children, but he's trying to get her stablized. Money is an issue, I'm sure. Right now, he's paying for their big house AND his apartment, and all of their living expenses. It's a big deal to force her to move (since she won't be able to afford buying him out of half the house.) I don't think that is about MY worth at all.

 

To get back on topic, I'll add that trust is a bit of an issue for me. Even if we hadn't met while he was married, it would be a bit of an issue because I was cheated on before and have some baggage. And since we DID meet while he is still married, it's definitely a known risk. However, he is gaining my trust through his actions more and more these days.

[Angel1111]

If the MM stays married to his wife, he is disrespecting his BW that he doesn't love and the OW if he truly loves her. How can you say that he truly loves the OW when he isn't willing to give up his life with his wife?

 

He will always be a father to his children. He may not be able to afford his lifestyle for a while, but isn't true love more valuable than material objects? It's not like he will lose his job if he gets divorced.

 

We are talking true love here, not just an affair for sex. There is no reason for a MM who loves a OW to stay married. Lot's of excuses, but no real reason. JMHO.

 

You're making the fatal error of thinking like a female, and not looking at it the way a man will look at it. Most men feel like failures if they walk away from their wife and children. He can love the OW until the cows come home and it can be truer love than any that ever existed - but if he can't get past his judgements about his actions, love will take a back seat to those things.

[herenow]

The unflattering truth as to why he got another OW was that he was medicating the pain, distracting himself, and probably trying to sooth his ego. Yet I understand the how sometimes a person wants a rebound post-break up. And the story shows that it WASN'T easy for him to move on. He tried, but his heart was still with me. We hadn't been together very long yet, but he ended up renting a room and beginning the separation from his W at that time (which was the only way I would agree to date him again.) At the end of August, he took it further and moved out into a full apartment with a lease.

 

I've been giving him a bit more time to go ahead and file his D papers. His W has been unemployed for about a year and a half. They don't have children, but he's trying to get her stablized. Money is an issue, I'm sure. Right now, he's paying for their big house AND his apartment, and all of their living expenses. It's a big deal to force her to move (since she won't be able to afford buying him out of half the house.) I don't think that is about MY worth at all.

 

To get back on topic, I'll add that trust is a bit of an issue for me. Even if we hadn't met while he was married, it would be a bit of an issue because I was cheated on before and have some baggage. And since we DID meet while he is still married, it's definitely a known risk. However, he is gaining my trust through his actions more and more these days.

 

That is great and proves the point that if a man really loves an OW he will do what it takes, even if it's difficult, to be with her.

[herenow]

You're making the fatal error of thinking like a female, and not looking at it the way a man will look at it. Most men feel like failures if they walk away from their wife and children. He can love the OW until the cows come home and it can be truer love than any that ever existed - but if he can't get past his judgements about his actions, love will take a back seat to those things.

 

Sorry, I don't buy it. If that were the case, the divorce rate wouldn't be so high.

 

How can the same man who is so concerned about his personal judgments about his actions be involved in an affair in the first place? Once again, you can't have it both ways.

[jj33]

Are you saying that you were not worth him giving up his lifestyle? Or, is he saying that you were not worth him giving up his lifestyle? Either way, how can you call that love?

 

People make lifestyle adjustments for reasons other than divorce and they still survive. We are in a bad economy where many people have unfortunately lost their houses and jobs, but they still survive and they will thrive again when things get better. Just like people who get divorced will thrive again. Isn't love worth the struggle?

 

 

Your question assumes I agree with your premise and I do not.

 

I am not saying I dont think love is worth the struggle I am simply saying other people view the situation much differently.

 

Their values are different and their starting point is different than yours is. So they view the variables differently and weigh things differently.

 

What I think doesnt matter. I am not married. I am living my life without the constraints of a bad marriage, and the knowledge that I would need to change my world and the worlds of many people who rely on me in order to be with the person I love. So my views on this are not relevant.

 

I am sure you will say but if you love someone it doesnt matter. That is not how everyone sees it.

 

And for some people having an affair is a family tradition (believe it or not) its just the way things are handled. They separate romantic love for their mistresses from the union that they have for their wives, the merger of the families etc. Its a very real thing for many people. I chose not to be a part of it but some people think its perfectly rational.

 

It has been pointed out to me) history is full of examples of great loves outside of marriage. Were there not great loves outside of marriage much literature, painting music would not exist.

 

Again that is not how I want to live my life but if you look at it with a broader view many people see it differently than you do.

[JamesM]

You're making the fatal error of thinking like a female, and not looking at it the way a man will look at it. Most men feel like failures if they walk away from their wife and children. He can love the OW until the cows come home and it can be truer love than any that ever existed - but if he can't get past his judgements about his actions, love will take a back seat to those things.

 

This is true in a number of ways.

 

First, women in affairs think men think the same way. Not true. Women begin to think long term when the affair goes well. Men simply live in the here and now.

 

Second, men do not want to quit marriages and appear as failures...unless their wives have cheated. Then they have a valid reason. But if it is because THEY have cheated, then they will do everything to reconcile if possible.

 

But there are some additional thoughts that came to mind....

 

First, men usually do love their wives and one of their motivations for the affair is a complete reconciliation with their wives. As stupid as that sounds, often men are angry with their wives for some reason (ie no sex) and do not know how to express it in a way that can bring resolution. An affair can be a passive aggressive way to show the wife that she does not have all of the control in the sexual area. If she can withhold, he can cheat. They may not say it nor understand it, but when the wife is willing to reconcile when she discovers the affair, most MM run back home.

 

Second, men don't leave marriages and children due to the fear of losing their children.

 

Third, men don't leave marriages because of the familiarity of the marriage. While they do miss some things in marriage (most often a good sexual relationship), it is fulfilling in most other ways...even if they never tell the OW.

 

 

Interesting topic and a good way to analyze why affairs usually do not last.

[JamesM]

 

How can the same man who is so concerned about his personal judgments about his actions be involved in an affair in the first place? Once again, you can't have it both ways.

 

An affair can be kept private while a divorce is made public.

 

When an affair is made public, many men run back home to reconcile. Leaving without attempting to reconcile brands him as either a failure, coward or quitter. No man wants that.

[herenow]

Again that is not how I want to live my life but if you look at it with a broader view many people see it differently than you do.

 

That is why I say that "In my opinion...(IMO)". Because, I'm well aware that it's only my opinion and other opinions may differ.

[herenow]

An affair can be kept private while a divorce is made public.

 

When an affair is made public, many men run back home to reconcile. Leaving without attempting to reconcile brands him as either a failure, coward or quitter. No man wants that.

 

Are you saying that men really don't want to reconcile and they are just faking it to look good?

 

If the affair is already out in the open and divorce is already pending, then what more do they have to lose by doing the right thing and giving the BW (that they don't love) a divorce so that she can find her own true love?

[herenow]

d

Second, men don't leave marriages and children due to the fear of losing their children.

 

Please explain to me how a father can "lose" his children. I have seen this said many times and have always been interested in how that works.

 

I think this is the biggest cop out of all. For a MM to use his children as an excuse to stay married is so insulting to the children. How do you think a child would feel if he or she knew that their father was staying married (unhappily) to their mother while having an affair? And, using the children as an excuse to not leave and be happy. Such a large burden should never be placed on innocent children, IMO.

[JamesM]

Are you saying that men really don't want to reconcile and they are just faking it to look good?

 

No, they are not faking it. It becomes about "the Goal." Men like to achieve success at things. They like to cross things off their "To Do List." And when they get married, it is something they can cross off. Unfortunately, many men forget that marriage takes a daily maintenance. When the marriage goes stale, they should be thinking of how to make it successful...and many men do. The ones who choose an affair have either given up trying or have run out of ideas or have lost the reason why.

 

When their wife suddenly says they are done because of the affair, the man begins to realize what he is losing. When he has it, he took it for granted. Now that he may lose it, he becomes desperate to succeed again. He must accomplish that goal all over again.

 

If the affair is already out in the open and divorce is already pending, then what more do they have to lose by doing the right thing and giving the BW (that they don't love) a divorce so that she can find her own true love?

 

The "right thing" is not always so plain. The man thinks HE is the true love...even though he cheated. The man still loves his wife, but he chose the affair for whatever reason. Sometimes it is easy to start an affair when we think we will not lose anything. When we see our lives breaking up, then we realize that we must "fix" it.

 

The right thing is to make it all as it was before. The man has something he can do. What seems to slip his mind is (1) HE is the one who caused the breakup and (2) he should have been doing daily maintenance to prevent a breakup...as he would his car our house.

 

If men placed their marriages as high as they do their careers, then a lot less of them would end up regretting how the marriage ended.

[jj33]

James your response sets out exactly why the man I was involved with doesnt leave.

 

I think he wishes he had everything at home but he doesnt, never has never will.

 

What he does have at home cant be duplicated elsewhere due to the specific circumstances of his life with his wife - and he is not trading that in easily.

 

he is terrified that if he left his children would withdraw from him and he would lose all contact with his grandchildren

 

and on balance loving your day to day life (especially if the W is hardly there) and having the freedom to come and go as he pleases and having a wonderful life and a wonderful relationship with his children and extended family and a position of great respect and status in the community....

 

Love is grand but its too difficult to rock the boat and not be the man everyone thinks he is in the perfect family living the perfect life.

 

So much of his identity is tied up in all that. I dont think he would know what to do without it.

[Angel1111]

Please explain to me how a father can "lose" his children. I have seen this said many times and have always been interested in how that works.

 

I think this is the biggest cop out of all. For a MM to use his children as an excuse to stay married is so insulting to the children. How do you think a child would feel if he or she knew that their father was staying married (unhappily) to their mother while having an affair? And, using the children as an excuse to not leave and be happy. Such a large burden should never be placed on innocent children, IMO.

 

But you're still thinking like you would think, not as a man would think. My nephew's marriage was horrible and he was talking to me and his mom about it once. But he absolutely refused to leave his wife because, as he said, "I'm not going to see my kids 2 times a month." Women don't fear losing their children because they usually get custody. For a man, it means seeing his kids a minimal amount and most of them will do anything to avoid this. They miss that day-to-day experience and it's a brutal thing to endure.

 

You see staying as a cop-out, men see leaving as a cop-out. I believe that if the marriage is bad enough, the man will leave because he can't take it anymore. Love does fit into the equation somewhere but men do not put the high importance on it that women do - for their own reasons.

[jj33]

Angel I would also agree that in general men need to be very very miserable to leave. Much more miserable than a woman needs to be in order to leave.

 

All of which highlights what you are saying - that women place more importance on the emotional side of the relationship whereas teh men may value it, and look for it elsewhere if its not there, but they will not typically leave just because its not good if the other day to day facets of life are working.

[JamesM]

Please explain to me how a father can "lose" his children. I have seen this said many times and have always been interested in how that works.

 

It may not be a physical loss, but an emotional loss. When a man cheats on his wife or divorces his wife, the tendency by the children IMO is to blame the man not the wife. That is because Dad has been the one who kept life stable in many (not all) cases. So, when he causes the family breakup, he loses the respect and love of his children. The mother in the family is usually the one who provides the nurture and love for the children. They cannot see how Dad does not feel that love as well. Yet Dad may.

 

Losing them can mean instead of seeing them every night, he now may see them on weekends. Losing them may mean that he no longer really is their dad.

 

To many men, children are a great incentive to reconciliation. Unfortunately, these children are not thought enough as a great incentive to stay committed to their marriage prior to divorce.

 

I think this is the biggest cop out of all. For a MM to use his children as an excuse to stay married is so insulting to the children. How do you think a child would feel if he or she knew that their father was staying married (unhappily) to their mother while having an affair? And, using the children as an excuse to not leave and be happy. Such a large burden should never be placed on innocent children, IMO.

 

I agree. The MM should keep his children in his mind as the reason to NOT have an affair. Personally, I can confess that a number of times over the past few years, the children have been one of the only reasons that I did not choose an affair. Yes, commitment is important to my wife, but sometimes the commitment to my wife seems to fade, and then the commitment to my children is still there.

 

As you say, they do not deserve the pain that my few moments of pleasure will cause. If as many men who used children as their reason for attempting to repair their marriage after an affair did so prior to the affair, then there would be a lot less unhappy and divorced families.

[herenow]

No, they are not faking it. It becomes about "the Goal." Men like to achieve success at things. They like to cross things off their "To Do List." And when they get married, it is something they can cross off. Unfortunately, many men forget that marriage takes a daily maintenance. When the marriage goes stale, they should be thinking of how to make it successful...and many men do. The ones who choose an affair have either given up trying or have run out of ideas or have lost the reason why.

 

When their wife suddenly says they are done because of the affair, the man begins to realize what he is losing. When he has it, he took it for granted. Now that he may lose it, he becomes desperate to succeed again. He must accomplish that goal all over again.

 

 

 

The "right thing" is not always so plain. The man thinks HE is the true love...even though he cheated. The man still loves his wife, but he chose the affair for whatever reason. Sometimes it is easy to start an affair when we think we will not lose anything. When we see our lives breaking up, then we realize that we must "fix" it.

 

The right thing is to make it all as it was before. The man has something he can do. What seems to slip his mind is (1) HE is the one who caused the breakup and (2) he should have been doing daily maintenance to prevent a breakup...as he would his car our house.

 

If men placed their marriages as high as they do their careers, then a lot less of them would end up regretting how the marriage ended.

 

I can see you point, but I disagree with what is at the root of the affair in the first place. I don't think that a affair is about the marriage, the BW or BH, or the OW/OM. I believe the affair is all about the cheater and his or her own personal issues. I have always said that until the cheater faces and does the work to fix what is missing within themselves, they can't truly "love" anyone.

 

Also, to say that marriage is just a goal on a things to do list is so incredibly demeaning to the whole institution. I'm not saying that you are wrong in how you feel, but if that is how you see it, do you even believe in true love?

[herenow]

James your response sets out exactly why the man I was involved with doesnt leave.

 

I think he wishes he had everything at home but he doesnt, never has never will.

 

What he does have at home cant be duplicated elsewhere due to the specific circumstances of his life with his wife - and he is not trading that in easily.

 

he is terrified that if he left his children would withdraw from him and he would lose all contact with his grandchildren

 

and on balance loving your day to day life (especially if the W is hardly there) and having the freedom to come and go as he pleases and having a wonderful life and a wonderful relationship with his children and extended family and a position of great respect and status in the community....

 

Love is grand but its too difficult to rock the boat and not be the man everyone thinks he is in the perfect family living the perfect life.

 

So much of his identity is tied up in all that. I dont think he would know what to do without it.

 

Please explain to me how the millions of people who do get divorced live their lives? How do they manage to have relationships with their children? What is the difference between these millions of men and the MM who have affairs and stay married? I would really like to know. With the divorce rate at over 50% is seems like lots of people are able to deal with it

 

I'm not being facetious, I really would like to know. What is the difference between the large number of men who do get a divorce and those who stay and blame their children and or finances?

[JamesM]

I believe the affair is all about the cheater and his or her own personal issues. I have always said that until the cheater faces and does the work to fix what is missing within themselves, they can't truly "love" anyone.

 

The wife refuses to have sex with the husband. The husband tries everything to change the situation. The wife says it is her not him. He becomes frustrated. His coworker listens sympathetically. She understands. One day...well, you know the rest of the story.

 

Is it simply his personal issues? Would he have chosen that affair if she had tried to resolve the sexual issues in the marriage?

 

We will have to disagree. While one of the reasons may be the personal issues of the cheater, it is usually brought about by an unhappy situation in the marriage. How he chooses to "fix" the problem is the issue. he made a rotten choice to cheat when confronted by a seemingly impossible situation, but it is not because he has personal issues.

 

Also, to say that marriage is just a goal on a things to do list is so incredibly demeaning to the whole institution. I'm not saying that you are wrong in how you feel, but if that is how you see it, do you even believe in true love?

 

The Quest. This is how men think. Accomplishments. Career. Money. Women. Marriage. Children.

 

Is this wrong? Does it rule out love? No.

 

It is not demeaning nor should it mean that a man cannot love his wife. But many men relax after they have accomplished the marriage and forget that it takes maintenance. And that is why many men fail at marriage.

 

Do I believe in true love? Yes for me I have no doubts. My wife is my true love. I could relate how we me and how there was a moment when I knew she was my wife...and we had never even had our first date. And I could tell how even still I broke our engagement because I wasn't ready for marriage and yet we were still married earlier than when our first date was planned. But still...yes, I believe in true love.

 

This does not rule out that when the feelings of "true love" seem to evaporate because they do and will, I must remember to commit myself and put my marriage on my To Do list to get us through those tough times.

 

Men operate less on feelings and more on actions. If they applied this strategy to their marriages as they do their careers, then they would keep the feelings alive for their wives.

 

I am not sure this is making sense, but the way men think does not mean they love less.

[herenow]

The wife refuses to have sex with the husband. The husband tries everything to change the situation. The wife says it is her not him. He becomes frustrated. His coworker listens sympathetically. She understands. One day...well, you know the rest of the story.

 

Is it simply his personal issues? Would he have chosen that affair if she had tried to resolve the sexual issues in the marriage?

 

We will have to disagree. While one of the reasons may be the personal issues of the cheater, it is usually brought about by an unhappy situation in the marriage. How he chooses to "fix" the problem is the issue. he made a rotten choice to cheat when confronted by a seemingly impossible situation, but it is not because he has personal issues.

 

 

 

The Quest. This is how men think. Accomplishments. Career. Money. Women. Marriage. Children.

 

Is this wrong? Does it rule out love? No.

 

It is not demeaning nor should it mean that a man cannot love his wife. But many men relax after they have accomplished the marriage and forget that it takes maintenance. And that is why many men fail at marriage.

 

Do I believe in true love? Yes for me I have no doubts. My wife is my true love. I could relate how we me and how there was a moment when I knew she was my wife...and we had never even had our first date. And I could tell how even still I broke our engagement because I wasn't ready for marriage and yet we were still married earlier than when our first date was planned. But still...yes, I believe in true love.

 

This does not rule out that when the feelings of "true love" seem to evaporate because they do and will, I must remember to commit myself and put my marriage on my To Do list to get us through those tough times.

 

Men operate less on feelings and more on actions. If they applied this strategy to their marriages as they do their careers, then they would keep the feelings alive for their wives.

 

I am not sure this is making sense, but the way men think does not mean they love less.

 

I agree that you can't take marriage for granted. However, I disagree that anything the betrayed does can be blamed for his or her spouse to cheat.

 

I guarantee that if a MM would tell his wife that if she doesn't have sex with him, he will have to go out and get it from someone else, there would be a big wake up call.

 

However, I do agree that some MM get involved with OW just for the sex (to fill a void or get a fix), but my comments are more about MM who really love the OW. In that case, IMO, I think most men will leave the marriage to be with the OW that they love. Just my opinion.

 

I also disagree with the 3% statistic that is often mentioned. I think if more men were honest with their wives that an OW exists, we would find that there are more men that leave marriages and move on to the OW. I'm not saying that they marry the OW, but I do think that more than 3% leave when they are involved with an OW. Again, I think if a MM loves an OW, he will not be able to stay married to a woman he doesn't love. If he has any respect for either woman, he will do his best to end the marriage. The problem is, in most cases, he has no respect for either woman and therefor, IMO, doesn't love either woman.

[wildsoul]

Please explain to me how a father can "lose" his children. I have seen this said many times and have always been interested in how that works.

I've heard men explain that they don't want their kids to hate them for hurting their mom. Also, a lot of women will definitely use the children as a way to emotionally punish the stbxh.

[JamesM]

 

I guarantee that if a MM would tell his wife that if she doesn't have sex with him, he will have to go out and get it from someone else, there would be a big wake up call.

 

Yes, but it won't last. I speak from experience. Two years ago, I did just that, and she became very passionate. But then after four or five months everything became normal. No, I have not started an affair, but I can say that this ultimatum strategy does not bring lasting change.

 

And yes, I said those exact words.

 

However, I do agree that some MM get involved with OW just for the sex (to fill a void or get a fix), but my comments are more about MM who really love the OW. In that case, IMO, I think most men will leave the marriage to be with the OW that they love. Just my opinion.

 

I hear ya, but I think most affairs only start because the marriage is unsatisfactory. It is nice as the OW to pretend it is love that brought them together, but in most cases, she was the one who was there when he needed the affair.

 

Again, I think if a MM loves an OW, he will not be able to stay married to a woman he doesn't love. If he has any respect for either woman, he will do his best to end the marriage. The problem is, in most cases, he has no respect for either woman and therefor, IMO, doesn't love either woman.

 

True. But he has more love and respect for his wife despite his trashing of the marital vows. When the bluff is called, then he stays. It may be that she uses the children. It may be that he actually loves her. Who knows the reason. But if he had love and respect for the OW, then he would never have continued the affair while married.