What if your MM or MW had other Affairs?

[OWoman]

This is one of the main reasons that second marriages fail. At least one person now is out for him or herself. It becomes more of how to make "me" happy versus making "us" happy.

 

This is not unheard of in first Ms, either - and my MM's BW was a case in point. She's literally incapable of seeing beyond her own desires - she can't conceive that others may have different desires, different opinions, or different needs. She sees hers as universal, and really cannot understand that someone else might feel differently.

 

When that kind of person lands up with someone who lives to please others - like my MM - it's very "successful" on the surface, but ultimately unsustainable withough enormous cost to at least one person. And, once counselling allows that self-sacrificing person to see that they're also entitled to needs, opinions and desires, conflict is inevitable. So, in a subsequent M with a more normal partner, there's a far greater chance of long-term success.

 

Yet this of course is not always true. There are some who when in the second marriage will do everything to make it work as they do not want a second failure.

 

...or to admit that they left "for" something equally flawed! One of my xMMs, who was on his second M, admitted that after his (perfectly mature and amicable) D, he'd thought that the problems were "the person" rather than "the institution of M", and when he found his second M equally prone to the same frustrations, difficulties and constraints, he thought long and hard about doing it all again and admitting that he'd mis-analyised the issue the first time around. So he opted to have an A (with me) instead when I presented that option, and to stay in his M. I'm not sure if they're still together, but judging from the texts and emails I still get from him frequently, I'd guess that they are, and that he's still trying to patch things up with an A rather than admit it's over.

[OWoman]

If we were discussing visits to prostitutes, then you have a case. But when we discuss another relationship with another person, the idea that this person will be filled with STDs is a little far fetched. Always the potential is there when one becomes less than monogamous, but that is no different than people who date. A guy dates a gal and they are not exclusive...how could he or she introduce STDs into their relationship with the potential to kill?

 

This is a poor argument IMO. Yes, STDs are always a hazard, and yes, "the spouse is unaware that there is the hazard," but I am willing to guess that if we took a survey, the cheaters that gave their spouses an STD would be very very small.

 

It sounds good and it makes affairs sound scary, but it is not reality.

 

Exactly!

 

There are plenty of more realistic ways to "demonise" As if you're wanting to scare of MPs who may be tempted to wander - the psychological cost of duplicity alone is terrifying - without having to paint monsters under the bed that merely make it all seem ludicrous.

 

There are REAL costs and REAL risks - it's far more effective to alert the potential WS to those, for them to make an informed decision whether an A really is the way they want to go.

 

Here we go again....spoken from someone who has not lived in these shoes. I am always accused of having no idea of what it is like to have a spouse betray me, and this is correct. But to minimize the idea that "denying one sex" is just some trivial thing that can be dealt with "honorably" is well, not reality.

 

Just as there is no way that a person who loves his spouse cheats, there is no way that a person who love her spouse will deny him sex when (1) she is capable of having sex and (2) she requires based on the marital vows, that he be monogamous to her. This is akin to saying to your children that "you may only have dinner at our house, but guess what...we aren't having dinner."

 

Nice analogy. And the same way someone might say, "but you can live without sex", well, yes, you can - but while the individuals might survive, the R won't. Same way you can go without food - at least for a while - before you start wasting and succumbing to ketosis. Survival is not the same as thriving.

[LavendarGirl]

This is one of the main reasons that second marriages fail. At least one person now is out for him or herself. It becomes more of how to make "me" happy versus making "us" happy.

 

Agreeing with OWoman's reply to this and to add that selfishness isn't limited to 2nd marriages. My first H was incredibly selfish (and to state for the record, it was also his first M). I'd like to think he's matured for his 2nd W, they seem relatively happy, but then again I understand from friends he's still a cheater.

 

--LG.

[Reggie]

The STD risk is only one component of the potential danger, as I mentioned earlier.

But, James, we had this discussion once before. I've read several stories of BS's picking up an STD from the WS. It is a real risk.

The analogy to a single person that is dating and sleeping with his partner is a poor one in that it does not consider the reliance of a BS on the agreement to be exclusive. Clearly, if a person makes a decison to have sex with someone that has made no representation re exclusivity, there is an assumption of the risk. This is not present in a marriage where the WS has misrepresented the commitment to exclusivity.

I don't understand OW's point at all re my having exposed my wife to STD's by having sex with her. I had a clean bill of health in that regard and was not engaging in activites that put her at risk.

As for witholding sex, I think that is a form of abuse. But, I do not think the answer is to cheat. My vows were not qualified by the proviso that I could cheat if sex was witheld. My honorable options were to insisy on counseling, and if that failed, divorce or reamin celibate.

If a souse is witholding sex, unless he or she is disordred or mentally ill, there are issues going on that the coule need to address. Cheating makes the likeliehood of fixing things much less likely.

[Reggie]

This chestnut AGAIN! I suppose all OWs are these evil sluts with no morals that sleep around without protection or a second thought, just breeding nasty things to visit upon straying men? :lmao: :lmao:

 

Actually, IME it's the "safe" marrieds who're unused to sex with people other than the safe, boring old spouse who're not in the habit of using protection and taking care, not the single people who know what the dangers are and how to avoid them, as well as testing regularly and comprehensively. **NO** sex is entirely safe - even if the only person you have ever ever had sex with is your spouse, and the only person they've ever ever had sex with is you, there is still a chance of picking up an infection (herpes, HIV, etc) from some other route and transmitting it sexually.

 

So, merely having sex with someone is "potentially killing your spouse by exposure to STDs" [note - no grocer's apostrophe] - I'm assuming you had sex with your W? Does that mean you didn't love her, and didn't care whether or not you killed her? Gosh!

 

This makes no sense. Surely you are aware that STD's are fairly prevalent and that protection is never 100%. Why would the "safe " marrieds require protection.

Regardless of whether any sex is entirley safe, clearly going outside the marriage and havig sex with other people increases the risk that one will bring something home. HIV is a deadly disease. Others are life altering.

[herenow]

Actually HPV is an STD that is a real risk and can be life threatening. I have a friend, that I have mention on this site before, whose H cheated on her and got HPV from the OW. In turn he gave it to his wife.

 

How do I know it came from the OW? My friend has been married for over 20 years and has never had any of her annual tests come back positive for anything, ever! She hasn't been with an OM and the only OW that her H was with was his affair. The doctor told her that she has dysphasia and tested positive for HPV. Based on the information her and her H gave the doctor, it was clear that it came from the OW.

 

Unfortunately this has become a more serious issue for her. Office procedures have not been successful and she has already gone through one hospital surgery and has a second one scheduled. The second one will result in her never be able to have children again. This isn't really a problem since she wasn't planning on having anymore anyway. The problem is that she is going through something serious because of a STD that her H got from the OW. Will she die? I hope not since this was caught relatively early. But, HPV is a very common STD that people can have and not even know it. It is easily spread and condoms are not 100% effective protection. It is a real risk that should not be ignored.

[JamesM]

Surely you are aware that STD's are fairly prevalent and that protection is never 100%. Why would the "safe " marrieds require protection.

Regardless of whether any sex is entirley safe, clearly going outside the marriage and havig sex with other people increases the risk that one will bring something home. HIV is a deadly disease. Others are life altering.

 

There is no question that having extramarital sex will increase the risk for STDs. However, to make the comparison that cheating with one individual is almost a guarantee for catching something is wrong. A BS can be obviously concerned and should be, but IMO this scare tactic is usually used as a way of manipulation and an attempt to make the WS feel guilty. The real emotion behind such a statement is one of anger and fury because the BS has been cheated upon.

 

The STD risk is only one component of the potential danger, as I mentioned earlier.

 

True. But it is one of the smaller ones. Another risk is that the WS who cheats with another MM or MW has a high risk of sustaining injuries obtained during a fight with the partner of the MM or MW.

 

But, James, we had this discussion once before. I've read several stories of BS's picking up an STD from the WS. It is a real risk.

 

I have never read any that I can remember. Perhaps you have some place that you could link to such stories. I cannot find any link that indicates how many affairs result in the BS catching an STD. I am willing to guess that it is incredibly small when the affair is conducted with one individual (which I think many are) and not a series of affairs.

 

Perhaps someone on LS can relate such an incident? Hereand now mentioned one about a friend. I have not seen any others that I can recall. I do think that while a couple occur, it is uncommon. And to those that occur, I am guessing that the cheater was a serial cheater or one who visited prostitutes.

 

The analogy to a single person that is dating and sleeping with his partner is a poor one in that it does not consider the reliance of a BS on the agreement to be exclusive.

 

It is not a poor one in the sense that the risk is the same if someone is having sex outside of the relationship. When men and women are dating, it is rare that one or the other remains paranoid about STDs.

 

I agree though that the marriage boundaries do indicate that STDs should not be of any concern.

 

As for witholding sex, I think that is a form of abuse. But, I do not think the answer is to cheat.

 

Then should it be answered with another form of abuse? Is cheating worse than abuse?

 

My vows were not qualified by the proviso that I could cheat if sex was witheld. My honorable options were to insisy on counseling, and if that failed, divorce or reamin celibate.

 

We agree. The point I make is not that cheating is permissible under those circumstances. Far from it. My point is that there can be reasons for affairs that are not simply a character flaw of the WS. The BS can be as much a part of the reason for the affair as is the WS. Do they share the blame that the marriage deteriorated enough for an affair to happen? Yes. Does that mean that the WS can say that he had no control over his choice? Absolutely not.

 

As for remaining celibate or getting a divorce, life is not so simple. The marital vows said I would remain faithful to her. They said she would remain faithful to me. Implied in that was the idea that we would then do everything to make it easier for each other to remain faithful. If she says, "No sex," and expects me to remain faithful, then she has rejected her vow in the same way that I would if I chose an affair.

 

The difference is that it is socially okay to refuse sex to your partner, while it is socially and morally wrong to seek sex with another person while married.

 

If a souse is witholding sex, unless he or she is disordred or mentally ill, there are issues going on that the coule need to address. Cheating makes the likeliehood of fixing things much less likely.

 

Agreed. However, having said that if one person who refuses sex decides that there are no issue to be addressed ("Why do I need to eat when I am full?"), then no issues will be addressed.

 

Affairs are not all some simple black and white story. He cheated. She is the victim. He is a scum. She is a saint. And the other woman? She is no better than a prostitute.

 

It is not that easy to compartmentalize. Many times he has been pushed to his limits. Divorce would wreck his life as much as hers. He never intended for an affair. In fact, he did not want it. He simply wanted some companionship and friendly conversation. If his wife would simply understand this when he communicated it to her, then he would bend over backwards to be at her beck and call.

 

Affairs do not happen in a vacuum.

[herenow]

JamesM, all you have to do is google "extramarital affairs and HPV" to see that it is very common. I would site some of the sources here, but there are way to many to choose from. Yes, you are correct that a MM who has many affairs will put his W at risk more that the MM who has one but, in my friends case, it only took one.

 

It's real and causes real physical and emotional pain on top of the infidelity itself. Depending on the woman and the type of HPV (there are many by the way) it can cause cancer. As a matter of fact, it is proven that most cases of cervical cancer are caused by high risk cases of HPV that are sexually transmitted. Look it up if you don't believe it. So, it's not such a scare tactic to talk about the facts and admit that HPV is a real risk.

[JamesM]

I feel that DIVORCES are not simply a character flaw of the spouse who files. The BS CAN be as much a part of the reason for the DIVORCE as is the filing spouse.

 

Affairs can occur as simply a flaw or a problem with the cheater, but reading many cases here and elsewhere, I think that many if not most result from dissatisfaction within the marriage. The cheater chooses the wrong way and worst way to "address" the dissatisfaction. Rather I guess he does NOT address the issues but runs from them. Of course, this could be after he has tried everything to resolve them.

 

 

 

Yes, they do. DIVORCES do not happen in a vacuum.

 

Nor do affairs. They can have nothing to do with the BS but when reading many stories, they usually do.

 

And yes, if my wife cheated on me, then I can give a list of reasons why she would do such a thing. I probably would be like the rest of BSs and dwell on the many flaws and faults that she has. Yet I would have to face the fact that I contributed to a damaged marriage.

 

BUT....back to topic.

 

I can agree that a person who is in one affair and is also in additional affairs is probably a serial cheater who does not fit my above definitions of the affair that is a result of a poor marriage.

[JamesM]

JamesM, all you have to do is google "extramarital affairs and HPV" to see that it is very common. I would site some of the sources here, but there are way to many to choose from. Yes, you are correct that a MM who has many affairs will put his W at risk more that the MM who has one but, in my friends case, it only took one.

 

In your friend's case, it could have been with a man who had multiple affairs.

 

And the risk for STDs is prevalent in any situation where sex occurs with partners who have STDs. I cannot deny that.

 

SO while the risk is there and should be addressed, as was stated in one of the links from your google search, there are many more problems that are more predominant in the mind of the BS. The majority of BSs do not obtain an STD from an affair, but they do end up with a broken marriage, family and heart.

 

When one discovers that the person they are in an affair with is also in an affair with another person, then they should be extremely worried for their own health. I am guessing that the OW is in almost as much danger as the wife when it comes to STDs.

[herenow]

In your friend's case, it could have been with a man who had multiple affairs.

 

And the risk for STDs is prevalent in any situation where sex occurs with partners who have STDs. I cannot deny that.

 

SO while the risk is there and should be addressed, as was stated in one of the links from your google search, there are many more problems that are more predominant in the mind of the BS. The majority of BSs do not obtain an STD from an affair, but they do end up with a broken marriage, family and heart.

 

When one discovers that the person they are in an affair with is also in an affair with another person, then they should be extremely worried for their own health. I am guessing that the OW is in almost as much danger as the wife when it comes to STDs.

 

The big difference is the OW knows that the MM is possibly involved with other women and takes that risk. Just the fact that the man is married and having sex with someone else should be enough for the OW to be able to assume he isn't exclusive to her. Even the fact that he may be having sex with his wife is enough.

 

The wife is not so lucky. She is not aware that she is being put at risk and has no choice in the matter.

[herenow]

I feel that DIVORCES are not simply a character flaw of the spouse who files. The BS CAN be as much a part of the reason for the DIVORCE as is the filing spouse.

 

 

 

Yes, they do. DIVORCES do not happen in a vacuum.

 

Yes, yes and yes. both spouses contribute to the success or failure of a marriage. The choice for one of them to have an affair is that persons choice and cannot be blamed on anyone else.

 

To say that a BW is the cause of an affair is ridiculous. If the MM is so unhappy that he feels like he wants to be with an OW, he should get a divorce and move on. The fact that he is unable to deal with his own problems at home and he goes to look for a fix in an OW has nothing to do with his wife. It's about the MM"s inability to be man enough to act like a responsible adult and deal with his problems without running away from them.

[herenow]

And by the time the OW/OM finds out the cheater is a SERIAL cheater, the STD may already be blooming for them as well.

 

True, but at least they were aware of the possibility. Unless the OW didn't know the man was married, she knows that she is involved with a man who is already lying to his wife and there is always the chance that he is lying to the OW as well. Basic logic would tell the OW that she could be at risk for an STD.

[Reggie]

As James concedes, and is obvious, having an extramarital affair does put your spouse at risk of contracting a STD. No where did anyone mention that it is guaranteed that the spouse will contract one. Don't know where Jmaes gleaned that.

Regardless of the frequency with which this happens(I think I've seen three cases described on another site), the point is that a cheating spouse that engages in relations with both the Ap and spouse, puts that BS at risk without consent. This is because the Ws has witheld information from the Bs.

In a dating situation, where there has been no agreement to be exclusive, both parties take the risk knowingly.

As for cheating being a sign of a character flaw, IMO , it clearly is. regardless of the dissatisfaction level in the marriage, the cheater elected to lie and potentially hurt the BS. The fact that the WS chooses to go this route vs a healthier, honorable route demonstartes a lack of courage and integrity, a character flaw. It also shows a lack of empathy and a disregard for the welfare of others. To me, these are character flaws.

If someone is dissatisfied in the marriage and there is no willingness to work on it, the answer is to divorce or suck it up. It really is that simple, James, if one has courage.

[wildsoul]

It seems from the stories here that pregnancy is a FAR greater risk than STD's are. Not only do the OW get pregnant, but you've also read stories where the MM claims to be leaving his marriage soon, but then the W gets pregnant.

 

And to bring it back on topic, I don't have an iron-clad judgement about a person who has a cheating past, but when I learn there have been multiple pregnancies and/or abortions with different women, it's a deal-breaker. When kids are brought into the mix, I do draw the line.

[wildsoul]

Actually, to TRULY bring this back OT, the premise behind this thread just floors me! I mean, really. If the person you are having an affair with (who is cheating on his/her W/H) is having ANOTHER affair, do you REALLY think they'll tell you?

LOL...no! We ALL know that is the risk! But I think maybe you have a different understanding of the topic.

 

I believe the original post is about how you would feel if you knew your beloved had a history of cheating with others, before their current affair with you (assuming you are an OP in this part of the board.)

 

Yet your post does bring up a good side point: if someone is hell-bent on hiding their cheating (all the better to fool you in case they decide to cheat on you) then they might lie about their history.

 

I tend to trust people that admit (and show that they've learned from) mistakes more than I trust someone who claims never to have made any!

[Reggie]

Back on topic, if you would object to a history of cheating, do you feel you have standing? Seems that the person objecting often has a history of the same thing.

Something strange about an OM or OW being put off by being cheated on when they are conspirators in cheating, themselves. Is there honor among thieves? The cliche says "no".

[Reggie]

It seems from the stories here that pregnancy is a FAR greater risk than STD's are. Not only do the OW get pregnant, but you've also read stories where the MM claims to be leaving his marriage soon, but then the W gets pregnant.

 

And to bring it back on topic, I don't have an iron-clad judgement about a person who has a cheating past, but when I learn there have been multiple pregnancies and/or abortions with different women, it's a deal-breaker. When kids are brought into the mix, I do draw the line.

 

Well, if you are involved with a married person that has kids, aren't kids being brought into the mix? The destruction of the parents' marriage has a profound effect on the kids. Studies inidcate that the kids are evn more adversely affected by a mrrige dissolving when there is infidelity in the mix, as they cannot reconcile the cheating parent's behavior with the values that have been espoused.

Cheaing also makes future co-parenting more difficult due to the anger and resentment a BS naturally feels . So, I'm not sure you really draw the line at kids being in the mix unless you have an affair with a childless partner.

[White Flower]

Back on topic, if you would object to a history of cheating, do you feel you have standing? Seems that the person objecting often has a history of the same thing.

Something strange about an OM or OW being put off by being cheated on when they are conspirators in cheating, themselves. Is there honor among thieves? The cliche says "no".

Well, you are assuming that we all sign up for this OM/OW position going into it as FWBs. Every story is personal, every couple has their own specific needs, most fall in love. If we believe what we are told, that we are the first and we know they are our first A partner, yes, there is a perceived and expected sense of honor and dignity. If one finds the other to be serial, it changes the whole dynamic of the R. The entire relationship was based on a lie and dishonored at least by one partner.

 

If one went into it being completely honest, they usually believe the other would be completely honest with them. Unfortunately, this is not always the case.

[JamesM]

As James concedes, and is obvious, having an extramarital affair does put your spouse at risk of contracting a STD. No where did anyone mention that it is guaranteed that the spouse will contract one. Don't know where Jmaes gleaned that.

Regardless of the frequency with which this happens(I think I've seen three cases described on another site), the point is that a cheating spouse that engages in relations with both the Ap and spouse, puts that BS at risk without consent.

 

James has never said STDs are not a risk of affairs. My point was and is that the risk is no greater than in any sexual situation. An OW somehow is not some living and walking STD. I am willing to guess that the cases that we read involve a MM or an OW who has multiple affairs...as in the premise of this thread. I don't know where Reggie gleaned that James said there is no risk of STDs.

 

The point is that the frequency does matter. While HPV is enough of a threat that it should stop every person from having sex, it does not mean it should be used to guilt a cheater into confession or whatever.

 

And a BS who withholds sex from her partner puts her partner at risk for weakening when faced with the choice of an affair. While James understands Reggie's anger at cheaters, it should not bias his objectivity. James does not condone cheating in the slightest. He just understands that it is not simply a choice made without the influence of a poor marriage.

[JamesM]

Well, you are assuming that we all sign up for this OM/OW position going into it as FWBs. Every story is personal, every couple has their own specific needs, most fall in love. If we believe what we are told, that we are the first and we know they are our first A partner, yes, there is a perceived and expected sense of honor and dignity. If one finds the other to be serial, it changes the whole dynamic of the R. The entire relationship was based on a lie and dishonored at least by one partner.

 

If one went into it being completely honest, they usually believe the other would be completely honest with them. Unfortunately, this is not always the case.

 

How true. OWs and OMs in most cases do not choose a MM as their partner. And while it is easy to say that they should quit the affair when they discover the MM is married, it is no different at that point in trying to tell anyone in love that they should leave the one they love for whatever given reason.

 

And yes, there actually can be honor among thieves. Even when one cheats on a husband or wife, he or she can still be faithful to someone else.

[awkward]

The entire relationship was based on a lie and dishonored at least by one partner.

 

My first thought was surprise. My second thought was shock.

 

I really understand what you are conveying but I find it ironic. Isn't the entire relationship based on a lie anyway you look at it? One may believe they aren't the one being lied to but someone is being lied to. I can only think of a few exceptions where I could consider an affair relationship as honest or dignified but I do get the point you are making.

[Reggie]

There is no question that having extramarital sex will increase the risk for STDs. However, to make the comparison that cheating with one individual is almost a guarantee for catching something is wrong. A BS can be obviously concerned and should be, but IMO this scare tactic is usually used as a way of manipulation and an attempt to make the WS feel guilty. The real emotion behind such a statement is one of anger and fury because the BS has been cheated upon.

 

 

 

True. But it is one of the smaller ones. Another risk is that the WS who cheats with another MM or MW has a high risk of sustaining injuries obtained during a fight with the partner of the MM or MW.

 

 

 

I have never read any that I can remember. Perhaps you have some place that you could link to such stories. I cannot find any link that indicates how many affairs result in the BS catching an STD. I am willing to guess that it is incredibly small when the affair is conducted with one individual (which I think many are) and not a series of affairs.

 

Perhaps someone on LS can relate such an incident? Hereand now mentioned one about a friend. I have not seen any others that I can recall. I do think that while a couple occur, it is uncommon. And to those that occur, I am guessing that the cheater was a serial cheater or one who visited prostitutes.

 

 

 

It is not a poor one in the sense that the risk is the same if someone is having sex outside of the relationship. When men and women are dating, it is rare that one or the other remains paranoid about STDs.

 

I agree though that the marriage boundaries do indicate that STDs should not be of any concern.

 

 

 

Then should it be answered with another form of abuse? Is cheating worse than abuse?

 

 

 

We agree. The point I make is not that cheating is permissible under those circumstances. Far from it. My point is that there can be reasons for affairs that are not simply a character flaw of the WS. The BS can be as much a part of the reason for the affair as is the WS. Do they share the blame that the marriage deteriorated enough for an affair to happen? Yes. Does that mean that the WS can say that he had no control over his choice? Absolutely not.

 

As for remaining celibate or getting a divorce, life is not so simple. The marital vows said I would remain faithful to her. They said she would remain faithful to me. Implied in that was the idea that we would then do everything to make it easier for each other to remain faithful. If she says, "No sex," and expects me to remain faithful, then she has rejected her vow in the same way that I would if I chose an affair.

 

The difference is that it is socially okay to refuse sex to your partner, while it is socially and morally wrong to seek sex with another person while married.

 

 

 

Agreed. However, having said that if one person who refuses sex decides that there are no issue to be addressed ("Why do I need to eat when I am full?"), then no issues will be addressed.

 

Affairs are not all some simple black and white story. He cheated. She is the victim. He is a scum. She is a saint. And the other woman? She is no better than a prostitute.

 

It is not that easy to compartmentalize. Many times he has been pushed to his limits. Divorce would wreck his life as much as hers. He never intended for an affair. In fact, he did not want it. He simply wanted some companionship and friendly conversation. If his wife would simply understand this when he communicated it to her, then he would bend over backwards to be at her beck and call.

 

Affairs do not happen in a vacuum.

 

James, check this post for the allusion to someone making the argument that it is almost guaranteed a relationship with a cheater will lead to an STD. That is what I was referring to when questioning where you came up with the idea that anyone had put forth this allegation.

As to your point that having an affair is no different than consensual sex between two non-exclusive dating partners, you are ignoring the assumption of the risk point.

Clearly, it makes a difference in terms of morality and integrity if one is being lied to about the risk. If a WS does not disclose that he or she is having sex with others, the BS is not being given information to make an informed decision regarding the risk to his or her health.

Surely you are not contending that this situation in any way resembles a dating situation where there has been no misrepresentation.

[Reggie]

How true. OWs and OMs in most cases do not choose a MM as their partner. And while it is easy to say that they should quit the affair when they discover the MM is married, it is no different at that point in trying to tell anyone in love that they should leave the one they love for whatever given reason.

 

And yes, there actually can be honor among thieves. Even when one cheats on a husband or wife, he or she can still be faithful to someone else.

 

Well, I'm trying to wrap my feeble mind around this concept that OM and OW do not choose married folks as their partners. So, how do they wind up together? Abducted by aliens and forced ,at ray gun point, to hook up?

[JamesM]

Well, I'm trying to wrap my feeble mind around this concept that OM and OW do not choose married folks as their partners. So, how do they wind up together? Abducted by aliens and forced ,at ray gun point, to hook up?

 

Here is one simple scenario.

 

I am at a bar with my friends on a Friday night. This gorgeous woman is sitting at a table nearby. I decide to talk with her. We have that connection. She gives me her number.

 

A week later I call her and we set up a time to meet. We have lunch together. The chemistry is great. We next have an evening date and end up at her place. The evening ends with sexual intimacy. It is wonderful. We both feel we are falling in love. The next few days are a whirlwind of as much time together. I sneak out time during the day and early evening.

 

But then I break the news to her. I am married. My wife was on vacation but will be home tomorrow. An then I begin my sob story about how my marriage is sexless and there is no connection. In fact, she went home to her parents to get away for awhile.

 

At this point the OW is faced with a decision. Many do end it, but still some after ending it come back again...even though they know I am married. They think and hope that I will be getting a divorce.

 

So an affair begins.

 

Here is another scenario.

 

My marriage is sexless. At work I have a coworker who is very close to me. We do projects together quite often. During the projects, we have time to talk with one another. She is sympathetic of my situation. She begins to see what a wonderful guy I am and how I am being mistreated. While I do not mention my marriage all of the time, she can see how my attitude is reflective of how my wife was when I come in each morning. She sees me as a man who keeps trying to fix his marriage yet is getting no cooperation from my wife.

 

One night we are finishing up a project and it is late. We are alone. I reach for a paper and her hand is there at the same time. We touch and the electricity is unmistakable. We look at one another and see the longing in the eyes. We move towards each other and kiss. The feelings cannot be controlled, but this evening they are. It ends with a kiss.

 

We know we should never do that again, but we still work with each other. We then begin to think of each other often. When we meet one another we remember that kiss. And as expected even though we know it is wrong we find time for another kiss...and another kiss. Then one day we decide to meet at her apartment for lunch...knowing that it will be more. And it is.

 

We both back off knowing that this cannot go on. Yet the "love" that we have brings us together again.

 

And thus begins the roller coaster of another affair.

 

And I could give more scenarios.

 

Your assumption is that any rational being would know better than to involve him or herself with a married person. And it has been shown over and over that affairs are not rational. They are controlled by emotions.

 

I do not condone them, but I do understand them. The situations described may or may not have happened if "I" was not in a sexless marriage. They likely would not have. In the first case at the bar, I would more likely have been out with my wife and not the guys, and if I were out with the guys, then I would have felt a connection to my wife and not sought out another woman. And certainly at work, I would not have let myself get involved with a coworker.

 

Not all affairs are a result of a bad marriage, but most are. No one holds a gun to anyone to start one, but emotions take over. When reality needs a fantasy, then affairs can fulfill that need.