Cujo Posted January 4, 2009 Share Posted January 4, 2009 Okay, my ex broke up with me 7 months ago after being together for 3 years and I have been going NC for 6 months now. She calls and texts me every month since then but I never ever answer as I am refusing to break NC. She texts me stuff like "I would love to talk to you", "I miss you" & "Any chance we could chat sometime" etc. Then today she sends me an email saying that she would really like us to be friends in 2009 and is there any chance of this? I had written a really nasty response but after a minute or two of contemplation I deleted it then subsequently deleted her email. I still have feelings for her and I have found it very difficult to meet somebody else and move on and for this reason she is constantly on my mind. My question is, why does she constantly contact me even though I have not said a word to her in 6 months? Does she still have feelings for me or does she just want me back in her life as a "friend" (which would never work!) Link to post Share on other sites
kimberelly Posted January 5, 2009 Share Posted January 5, 2009 from my personal experience i would say she probably would like to see a second chance with you... but she doesn't want to come across too strong and wants to read your vibe before putting herself out there. why not speak to her once? meet up somewhere...see how things go. do it in a neutral place where you can just talk. then just take it from there depending on how things turn out. Link to post Share on other sites
diskey23 Posted January 5, 2009 Share Posted January 5, 2009 i agree. Also, if youre curious too, i would be very cautious to let your guard down. Definitely see how bad she wants it first. & you might get back together but youll never be ‘friends’ I promise that. Link to post Share on other sites
BCCA Posted January 5, 2009 Share Posted January 5, 2009 I dont mean to be a buzzkill, but it sounds like she's decided that its been long enough, and its a new year, so you should be ready for a friendship. You notice she says enough to peak your curiosity, but never comes out and says she wants to reconcile, or that she made a mistake, etc. In my experiences, when someone wants you to know they're unsure of their decision, they make it really clear. "I miss you", "I would love to chat" etc don't strike me as anything more than bait to get you to respond. Why does she keep doing it? I'm not exactly sure, but from my experiences, the more you ignore them, the harder they try. It's like it almost becomes a challenge. However, there is one thing that I'm convinced of: women want guys to agree to a 'friendship' so they dont feel like the guy hates them. I remember an ex of mine arguing with me about being friends, and she just kept saying 'I just dont want you to hate me', and I recalled her saying the same thing about other ex's she occasionally talked to. And then obviously, there is the possibility that she hasnt met anyone else really, and just needs some attention to get her by for a while. I give you the utmost respect for being strong enough to ignore that many messages. I was giving generic/minimal responses until about a month and a half ago, when I went to strictly ignoring them. Its only been an email and a text so far, but i just delete them. Keep ignoring her. If she had anything substantial to say, she'd make sure you got the message. Link to post Share on other sites
WiseOne1 Posted January 5, 2009 Share Posted January 5, 2009 BCCA is right! It's true that she’s trying hard and has been for some while now, but if she wanted you back she would just say it, I've been on this website along time, and I seen a lot of different situations, and all of them are the same and ended the same when the ex did what yours is doing. To me those are just statements to get you to respond if she meant anything good she'd be saying stuff like "I made a mistake" or "I want you back" as you can see she’s already using the word "Friends". I say stay away until she actually has something better to say, not that if she says something like that, its a closed deal, but hey its better than (Friends). I have so much respect for you to be able to hold out on contacting her, or txt messaging her for 6 months!! I wish I had your mind will. Link to post Share on other sites
Oscar51 Posted January 5, 2009 Share Posted January 5, 2009 It's tough man. I was doing great for 4 months of no contact. When my ex came out of the blue via text message and we caught up. It was nice since we were civil towards each other. But she told me nothing that I wanted to hear. No, "I want you back, I made a mistake." At the end of it I wish I hadn't of responded to her original text. I was left with an empty feeling and feel as though I'm back at square one. Link to post Share on other sites
CaliGuy Posted January 5, 2009 Share Posted January 5, 2009 She wants to be your friend so she can relieve her guilt. She wants something from you (something she isn't getting in her life now) that you provided. Be it emotional, physical or what not. Her desire to remain friends with you is out of selfishness. If she truly loved you and wants you to be happy she would respect your desire for NC. Point is, she broke it off and all the benefits of being with you she gave up at that time. If you're happy with her breadcrumbs of attention and being something other than her first choice, by all means, go for it. If you want to watch her get her needs met from you AND some other guy, knock yourself out. If, on the other hand, you feel you deserve better -- if you love and respect yourself -- then I'd continue with no contact. The choice is (and always has been) yours. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted January 5, 2009 Share Posted January 5, 2009 Cujo, it doesn't matter what she wants. What do YOU want? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cujo Posted January 5, 2009 Author Share Posted January 5, 2009 Thank you all so much for all of the replies with an especially huge thanks to BCCA who I think has hit the nail squarely on the head there unfortunately. I have to admit though, that is exactly what my instinct has been telling me for months now but I suppose the idea of a second chance has always been lingering somewhere in the back of my mind even though I am nearly positive that it wouldn't work out a second time round. The thing I would love the most right now is to have the person who I cared about more then anything else in the world back in my life, that is my ex before we split. I realize that I will never have the same realationship as I had before with her if we did get back but moving on has been such a huge struggle and I actually don't see any new relationships blooming in the near future. That might sound pessimistic but I will be 32 soon and the majority of my friends are either married or getting married so I'm starting to feel isolated and lonely and this in turn is making me pine for my lost love. Truth be told the NC thing has been really hard but I always say to myself that I have come this far I might as well keep on going because I would absolutely hate to be back where I was 7 months ago. As I said in my original post I had typed out a rather nasty email reply which basically insulted her and said that with a friend like her I wouldn't need any enemies, but I'm actually relieved that I didn't send it. Maybe if she keeps sending me pointless texts and emails for another few months I will send something to clearly mark a line in the sand or do you guys think I should just ignore her and hope that she (along with her memory) just fade away? My mind is a mess...... Link to post Share on other sites
samspade Posted January 5, 2009 Share Posted January 5, 2009 Maybe if she keeps sending me pointless texts and emails for another few months I will send something to clearly mark a line in the sand or do you guys think I should just ignore her and hope that she (along with her memories) just fade away? My mind is a mess...... Just ignore her. There is no need to draw a line in the sand unless she has done something egregious. If the texts/messages are getting to you, block the texts and filter the emails. And be glad you didn't send that email! While I'm sure it was therapeutic to type it, sending it would have made things much, much worse. It can be tough to move on and meet people, but look at the bright side: 32 and single is better than 32 and trapped in a bad marriage. At least you are free to meet someone! Link to post Share on other sites
BCCA Posted January 5, 2009 Share Posted January 5, 2009 I really dont like being the bearer of bad news, but I've been in your shoes too many times. Its so odd to see relationships from an outside prespective, because Im constantly saying things to myself like 'oh god, havent i heard that before!' I think what you want is for her to come to you and say she made a big mistake. Everyone who has ever been dumped wishes for the same thing. Problem is, that really never happens. People either go their own ways, or find eachother again later in life through a random occurence. Just ignore her. Eventually, she'll dissapear, probably when she meets someone else. In the meantime, shes got nothing to lose by trying to push this 'friendship' off on you. And Sam is right, it could be worse...you couldve had a kid or been married, and then dumped. Im sorry, I know how bad it sucks. Im about 5 1/2 months out of my 5 year relationship, and sometimes it still stings pretty badly. Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted January 5, 2009 Share Posted January 5, 2009 You're doing the right thing by staying in no contact with this person. It's been my experience as well that ignoring someone has a powerful effect on them. My ex can't seem to reconcile with the possibility that I could be angry or have dislike for him. The bottom line is that it's selfish to expect a friendship after she left. She lost the priviledge for contact the day she walked out. I think it's great you've been able to hold onto NC for so long, it's not an easy thing to do- especially when the other party won't leave you alone. Hold strong. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cujo Posted January 14, 2009 Author Share Posted January 14, 2009 I think what you want is for her to come to you and say she made a big mistake. Everyone who has ever been dumped wishes for the same thing. Problem is, that really never happens. People either go their own ways, or find eachother again later in life through a random occurence. I think that is what I want to happen. I want her to let me know that she made the biggest mistake of her life and then I want the satisfaction to tell her that I don't love her and I probably never really did (even if that is a total lie). With any luck I will find love again in 2009 but it is looking bleaker then an Alaskan winter right now and the thoughts of her basically picking and choosing who ever she wants is killing me (even if it is not necessarily true). If only I could flick a switch and forget everything.............. Link to post Share on other sites
onryo13 Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 out of curiosity, and not to be nosey, what were the conditions of the breakup? there could be many a reason for her wanting to be freinds, all depending on her character, which sadly none of us here posess crystal character seeing balls ;P tell me a bit more of the breakup and how you think she is responding. (oh and belive me some girls just dont disapear, im almost 3 years out of an engagement of only 3 years and she still wants to phone and harps on about being freinds, which to be honest makes life a pain in the arse) Link to post Share on other sites
hunkahunkaburninlove Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 find out by texting her. Tell her that she doesn't need to keep doing this. You're fine and she shouldn't worry about tying to be friends. Tell her that you're just not into the whole ex-lover-friend thing because you don't want to open old wounds or talk about her new relationships. Ask her why she would want to put you through that? At least you would know. Instead of stressing about the whole situation. She may want to reconcile. If you don't have any contact with her, how will you know? Link to post Share on other sites
thegoodlife Posted January 15, 2009 Share Posted January 15, 2009 I commend you for staying NC for so long. Keep it up! It sounds like your ex just wants the satisfaction of knowing she still means enough to you and has enough of a hold on you to get a reply. It's like other people said, she doesn't want you to hate her, she's looking to make herself feel better by trying to get you to give in and speak to her. Don't give her that! If you don't wish to have a friendship and as you said yourself- a friendship wouldn't work, then there is no reason for you to reply. You doing that will just cause a reason for her to reply back to what you said and etc. Just stick tight to what you're doing, and eventually she will stop and you can both move on. Right now she's just looking to be "absolved" in a way. And once again, good for you for being so strong! Link to post Share on other sites
selena_cat Posted January 26, 2009 Share Posted January 26, 2009 I have to agree with hunka burning love (love the name and the song!) you know you want to reply,just get it very short and professional, i say emails the best, say theres not need to keep doing this and you prefer not to be friends and best of luck to her you'll be relieved and get rid of thatbig know thats tying in your chest right now wondering,and wondering get it out of your system i knwo NC is essential but alot of post does say if ex contacts you take your time to reply,in your case its been 6 months which is more than good. Just reply,make it short-thats up to you you my leave out ,kike Hunk says,why is she doing this-too emotional being a girl,its sounds sappy. tell me how you would respond to an annoying friend you dont wish to communicate with and they cant get the hint when you keep ignore them? she has to hear it from your words no,not interested right now in being friends,maybe later (when i actually have some better than you:) leave that little part out but you understand but also best of luck and happiness It wont hurt i'll say you'll feel better to nip it in the bud. makes sense to me listen toyour very gut,,.i believe in that Link to post Share on other sites
BackonTrack2 Posted January 26, 2009 Share Posted January 26, 2009 I don't feel as if you should reply at all. You've been with this women for roughly 3 years, she knows you inside and out. She is baiting you to solicit a response. You know this women, better than all of us, if you are to be honest with yourself, I think you already know the reason why she is contacting you. Link to post Share on other sites
ohwhyme Posted January 26, 2009 Share Posted January 26, 2009 This happened to me a few months ago. She said she missed me and made a big mistake. She wrote me drunken text messages etc. Then we started not talking to each other again for a few months and i've been NC ever since. Now she keeps trying to bait me into talking to her again. I've been so tempted to tell her to f off but you know its not even worth it. Ignore her and she'll eventually stop. When they do want you back it will be too late. Link to post Share on other sites
smookie Posted January 27, 2009 Share Posted January 27, 2009 If you do nto want her to contact you text her back the next time she texts you and say, I have been recieving texts from yuor number I am sure you must have the wrong number due to the fact that I just got the phone 1 month ago. I know that it is not honest but at least she will stop texting you....unless you want her to continue. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cujo Posted April 12, 2009 Author Share Posted April 12, 2009 Hey, it's been a while since I started this thread and I thought I'd give you all a quick update. The last I heard from my ex was that email back in January. I found it strange that she just stopped texting me so suddenly but then I found out the reason why when I saw here kissing some guy (her new boyfriend I presume) when I was grocery shopping a few weeks ago. Looks like she has found somebody else and I'm just a faded memory for her now...........ouch! To be honest I was hurt and shocked when I seen this, she didn't see me but I felt physically ill for a few seconds then my emotions suddenly turned to hate (not for the guy but for her). But then again I think that I really need to have seen what I did to get it through my thick skull that this relationship is truly dead and buried and a reconciliation is now totally impossible (not that I wanted one but I wanted her to want me again to repair my damaged ego). I will be official single for 1 year in a couple of weeks and that fact alone is depressing me. My ex has moved on and I am still alone and thinking about her everyday. I was actually really proud of the fact that I stayed so strong and resisted replying to her texts/calls/emails but in hindsight maybe this actually finally pushed her out of my life for good. To he honest I have mixed feelings about that and I feel like my life is still in limbo which is not a nice feeling. Link to post Share on other sites
Blah Toolz Posted April 13, 2009 Share Posted April 13, 2009 I was actually really proud of the fact that I stayed so strong and resisted replying to her texts/calls/emails but in hindsight maybe this actually finally pushed her out of my life for good. To he honest I have mixed feelings about that and I feel like my life is still in limbo which is not a nice feeling. Hey, good to hear you've been staying strong. Like some people have said -- if she was willing to come back to you, then she would have made that explicitly clear, so the no responding to her texts and messages would have just fed her ego, and kept possibly re-opening your wounds. Keep working on things for you, and you alone. Link to post Share on other sites
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