Acknowledged my true feelings

[BKLovesWho]

XXXX,

 

After years of suffering in silence I need to confess my feelings for you. I

have to try and end this ceaseless heart ache I’ve been living with ever since I met you.

 

I fell in love with you the moment I saw you come off the bus the first day of high school. When we ended up in the same home room and classes I was both overjoyed and terrified at the same time. Just getting to see you and be near you each day made me feel euphoric. When you smiled at me I felt like I was floating on a cloud. Your voice was hypnotic; when you spoke my mind just shut down completely and my heart went into overdrive. I don’t know how you couldn’t know when everyone else could see it. All your friends kept pestering me to tell you. I should have just told you face to face but I was terrified of making you mad. I tried several times but you kept giving off mixed signals.

 

In 11th grade I manned up and ask you to the prom after xxxx asked me XXXX do you like XXXX? I told her that like was too weak of a word; I told her I was in love with you. xxxx and xxx xxx had been on my case to ask you out. When xxxx went back to talk to you I thought that is what she told you. So I walked to your desk and asked you and you said yes. I was in shock; you could have knocked me over with a feather. I should have asked to carry your books, I should have talked to you but my mind was in the twilight zone nothing was registering.

 

When you and XXXX XXXX came down the hall I knew something bad was going to happen. Then I saw and heard B.S. laugh and yell out as loud as she could “She’s not going with you”. I was more hurt than mad. I felt my heart break. Again I should have talked to you instead of yelling at you “So What!” I cringed when I heard you repeat what I said to you to Connie in xxxx class. It was on that day my emotions became frozen in time that event is permanently etched in my memory. It is one of many hurts you inflicted upon me. It would later come back and ruin the most pivotal night in my life. I was raised actions speak louder than words but when it came to you; you are the exception to this rule. I have so much to say but I will try and keep focused. Just let me say I had a run in with my father over you; it came to blows and led to my leaving to join the Air Force.

 

Do you remember you and your sister were standing there at the end of the lobby leading towards the music room? I said “are all the XXXX girls so beautiful?” You smiled at me; I wanted to kiss you so badly but your future was bright while mine was unknown.

 

I went off to far off places where many people tried to kill me. The line of work the Air Force put me in was not conducive to good health or long life. I got the opportunity to change jobs but ended up working for the same three-letter Alphabet agencies. I endured and rose through the ranks. When I got the opportunity for leave I went home and always went by your house but could never hook up with you.

 

Finally the stars aligned and we met up again. All those feelings I had for you flooded back at 1000 times the intensity. You had and hadn’t changed; you had cut your hair but everything about you had matured. You still had the same inner glow radiating outward from your soul enveloping your being. I was caught once again attracted like a moth to a flame. If I had died right then it would have been worth everything I had endured till that point. I tried to play it nice and easy. I didn’t want to scare you off but I doing something wrong. You wouldn’t talk to me when we were alone. I wanted; I needed to hear your voice. I longed to hold you. My blood was on fire, I wanted to kiss you so badly but being in your presence made me want to act the gentleman. You drew out the romantic within me I had no defense against you.

 

Now came the night of horror which I relive every night. We are at Joey’s house sitting on the couch our eyes locked. I felt a connection with you my emotions are running wild my heart is threatening to burst out of my chest. That’s when my sister takes it upon herself to intervene. Seems she didn’t really like you and didn’t like what she saw happening. I was furious when she called to you and destroyed the most pivotal moment of my life. I wanted to strangle her when she said to you “XXXX this is a party, you’re suppose to go around and meet people.” She knew we were on a date she knew what she was doing.

 

That’s when you asked me “XXXX was that you who wrote XX Loves?” It brought back so much pain. I should have said YES! YES! YES! My brain wasn’t working I didn’t know what was happening, who was talking, why were these words coming out of my mouth? That was strike one. You then accused me of being duplicitous you asked me “How does XXXX XXXX know that you were dating me?” All that came out of my mouth was “WHAT!” strike two. You then asked me if the mafia was in XXXX? I asked you who told you that and you said my father. I tried to play that off. My family was from XXXX, I grew up in XXXX. I put one plus one

together and got an answer of nine. My mind screamed that’s why you didn’t go to the prom with me because I’m part Sicilian?! If I had known that I would have asked you which part offended you and torn it out.

 

My final mistake that night was that I did not comprehending what you were asking me. You asked me “XXXX, should I join the Air Force or stay in XXXX?” At that point being so close to you I did not want you leave me I wanted a different option, to marry you! The Air Force doesn’t work like you imagine. There is no guarantee we could be stationed together. I hated that the Air Force was going to make me leave you two days hence and send me back to XXXXX XXXXXXXX which is the right arm pit of America. Strike three.

 

You were so mad at me everything was spinning out of control. You asked why do guys like XXX XXX? I said I don’t know I don’t care about XXX XXX I love you. Total non-reaction you weren’t listening to me anymore. My emotions were in total meltdown.

 

You did consent to go out with me to XX XXXXXX XXXXX. My friend was a co-owner and I had a plan. I was going to prove that I was serious. I had him tie the engagement ring I bought for you onto the neck of the wine bottle. It was right in front of your eyes and you didn’t even flinch. My emotions just went numb. I never even kissed your lips, not even once. I should have been more self-centered and forceful with you and told you in plain English but I just hanged my head in despair.

 

You sent me that letter asking if I was looking to get married. I didn’t know what to think. I have never known you to be intentionally cruel. I reasoned that you were sending me a breakup letter because you didn’t want me. So I wrote you a lie which burned away my soul. My heart shattered. I sent a letter pouring out my feelings for you but never got a response. I called your house and got hung up on. I even went to XXXXXXXXXXX three times to try and find you. It’s a huge city and I hadn’t a clue where to look those are the days before the internet.

 

Emotionally numb I left the United States and went from war zone to war zone looking for my end. I have been in combat many times. It’s ironic that both times I’ve been shot I was thinking of you. Yes I have been to many places some good and a lot bad. My father hated you because you were polish and I hated him for that and never spoke to him again until he was dying. Since we parted I have only been home a couple of times. When my father was on his death bed and once to see my mother. I can’t bear to see that place.

 

I was shocked when you said you got married and had a child no less. I thought you wanted to become someone famous like a judge or senator. What was the point of letting you go? I did marry. I married a woman I knew my father would hate more than he did you; he was such a prejudice S.O.B. If you don’t love the person you can’t get your heart broken.

 

You are the only woman that I have loved or will ever love. I loved you when we first met, I love you now, and I will love you until the

day I die.

 

Thank you for letting me say what has been in my heart. I hope I can start healing…

 

You are the breath of heaven, an angel divine………….

 

XXXX