Am I Crazy? - Roommate issue

[onefunnybabe]

Hello all,

 

I've been living with my roommate since October 2007 and since October 2008, she has been getting on my nerves and I find her to be bossy but she doesn't seem to realize it.

 

Here's the story, it's long!

 

It first began when my roommate brought 2 couches that her family was giving away and we now have 3 couches in our apartment (not a house!!). She told me she was going to be bringing a couch and I figured we'd move things around to make it fit. I didn't know that she actually meant 2 couches and she never clearly communicated this, even though in her mind she did because she said couchES (not couch...btw who has 3 couches in an apartment???).

 

I threw out the idea earlier that I could put my couch in storage (this was when I thought one was coming in). Of course upon reflecting upon it, I realized it's not fair that I do that and it costs money - money which I don't really have to waste since I've been laid off.

 

At the time my roommate seems bitter that I made this suggestion and did not follow through on it because I guess she probably thought I was serious when I was just trying to be polite and helpful about the situation.

 

She had a party a few weeks ago and wanted the couches there for it. I ended up being sick and so stayed in my room.

 

She still had music going on in 2.40 am and I got out of my bed and I politely asked her to lower it and she rudely answered that she's having a party. A few days later she tells me that I embarrassed her. I felt like she embarrassed me by being rude. We live in an apartment and the party was pretty much done. Sure there was a few people left but it was done and we do have neighbors to think about. She insists I only complained about the noise because I was jealous (I was recovering from a cold. It was my choice to not attend and I was not jealous). She said I never complained at the other 2 parties she had. I don't know why I didn't complain but I'm pretty sure it wasn't because the music was blaring at 2.40 am!

 

The dining area was cramped because of the way she moved the couches. I couldn't put my 4 chairs around it. And the couches were arranged in a U shape and so they blocked entrance to the balcony, which means the only way out was to go through the kitchen. This was my other problem. I need to feel like I can move around and that I am free and mobile and I didn't feel this way because of the way the entrance was blocked. It was just too constrictive for me.

 

That weekend she was away and I decided to clean things up and I started to feel motivated to move furniture around as well since nothing changed and I was starting to feel like a prisoner.

 

I made minor changes and it freed up the space in the dining room and there was a path to get to the balcony. I still maintained the U shape that my roommate had. I sent her an email just notifying her about this and that we could change it if she didn't like it. I didn't want her to think I moved it just because she was away.

 

She didn't like it and was being childish about the situation. I wanted us both to work out something that we liked but she said that she doesn't care and that I'm going to do what I want anyways.

 

So I left things the way they were.

 

I went out the next night and so did she. I probably came home half an hour earlier and 10 minutes after she arrived, some people were over. I had a feeling that she was going to move the furniture to how it was - and she did.

 

She 'suggested' earlier that I put my couch in my room. I was not comfortable with that. Prior to the couches being brought, she even had the balls to want to switch rooms so that she could have the bigger room and put the couches there.

 

Another thing she did the other day was notifying me that my peaches were rotting. I threw them out and didn't think to throw out the garbage since the bag was half full (or half empty). She asked me about why I didn't throw it out and I told her because the bag was not full. I was having lunch so I figure I'd take it out after my lunch but she ended up doing it and giving me attitude.

 

So I am occasionally absent minded. Big deal! I don't throw out my rotting fruits once! I find she needs to relax about things and not get uptight about petty things. If I were consistently letting my fruits rot then yes say something. I am not petty towards her the way she is to me.

 

So we fast forward to December. On a Monday night she had the nerve to phone me at home while I was sleeping at 1.19 in the morning. She went out to a local hockey game run by some friends and she brought her new co-worker friend with her. She said on the phone that she was bringing a bunch of single guys from the hockey game and she wanted me to come out and socialize. I was not in the mood because I was tired and I didn't want to have to go through the hassle of getting dressed. As much as I enjoy socializing with single men, I do not want to at 1 in the morning.

 

I was quite upset and the next day I told her I was not impressed. She was getting sick so I never really had the chance to tell her how disrespectful it was to do that. I will be telling her tomorrow hopefully as she's been sick these past few days and I haven't seen her much.

 

She justified her actions by saying 'well at least I phoned'.

Childish and lame!

 

I finally got the balls to have a meeting with her on December 29 and it lasted for an hour and 20 minutes.

 

I think my roommate is officially psycho. I think I realized that she really is just immature and still has a lot of growing up to do. She just doesn't compromise well and is very much 'her way or the highway'.

 

She had a chance to speak about things after I was done and was still complaining how I was complaining at her last party about how I wanted the music to be lowered at 2.40 am. She kept harping I was jealous because I went to the other parties and didn't complain about the noise. I didn't go to that party because I was recovering from a cold. I don't know why I was not complaining about the music at the other parties but maybe the music wasn't blaring at 2.40 am. This is just such a stupid thing to argue for because all I ask is for the music to be lowered and here she makes a big drama that I am treating her like a child. I don't want to be the drag in the party so lowering the music to me sounds like a fairly reasonable request.

 

In her mind she justifies things by saying that she doesn't have parties all the time so having the music blaring so late is okay since she doesn't normally. It's not okay because I don't appreciate it and need to sleep with minimal noise. I pay rent too. It's just as much my space as hers. She just doesn't get it. Since I plan to move out to Toronto, I don't see the point in getting a new roommate, otherwise I would have asked her to leave.

 

She also has an issue with the way I clean and still insists she is the better cleaner.

 

She claims to be anal about cleaning which is fine but she doesn't have the right to demand that I clean as well as she claims she cleans. I clean as best as I can and don't appreciate being told that I am inadequate in that department. If she thinks my cleaning sucks and it's so important to her, then she needs to leave and find another place to stay. I cleaned the apartment a few weeks ago and she said she could still see hairs on the sink.

 

I know how much she doesn't like hair so I know that I clean things properly. I think she is just making that up!

She claims that she wears her heart on her sleeve and that she stands up for herself and doesn't take bull**** from anyone but I think those are fancy code words for "I'm really a drama queen" and "I'm a bully so it's my way or no way"

 

I began talking about the night where she called at 1.19 am so she apologized for that but then she complained how she didn't like my tone with her. I told her the next day (I was extremely pissed) in a calm tone with anger underlying it that I was not impressed and that we will talk about it another time. She saw that as me talking to her like a child.

I was not talking to her like a child but like an angry woman who rudely got woken up in the middle of the night!

 

I also tried to explain to her that the lights on the Christmas tree are not a fire hazard and I told her that I did research but she wouldn't even acknowledge it and kept insisting like a psycho that she doesn't want her dog at risk and that her dog is her life (which is really sad if you invest yourself so emotionally into something that isn't human. I love my cat but one day she will dead and she can never replicate the love I get from people).

 

I had no choice but to agree to her stupid fear which really angers me. I am right but again am being forced to accommodate her to maintain the peace.

 

The other thing I complained about, which largely is because she is always nit-picking me is about the shower curtain. I usually leave it open after my bath and she closes it. She insists that it has to be closed. Here she wouldn't budge on this and insisted it be closed. I don't care and I am not going to close it. One day I caught myself closing but I say **** it, I am not here to accommodate her. She would always close the curtain when I was done and I found that aggravating. Like just leave it be!

 

I leave it open and that's my style. She insists people will see it and they shouldn't. I say who cares? I don't even have people over and even if I did, I wouldn't care what they think.

 

This brings me to another issue. Since she likes having people over and I don't bring my friends over, she seems to think I'm some sort of social charity case. I'm not. I probably go out socializing more then she does but I like GOING OUT as opposed to bringing people to my house.

 

What bothers me is that she thinks it's okay to criticize my habits but I should not even dare to criticize hers. Living with someone is a 2-way street and this is my apartment as well. I felt bad that I had to bring up these petty issues but I was doing it because that's what she does to me and normally I just don't say anything and let her analness slide but Sunday night was a time for me to let her know I'm not to be bullied.

 

What also disturbs me is that she is so defensive about being treated like a child. Is asserting my needs treating her like a child? No but that's what she thinks and she needs to get over herself and realize that she is wrong.

 

In my mind as well, I am really the one in charge and I feel that I am pretty laid back and accommodating and do try to smooth over differences so that there is harmony and that we are both happy. I don't tell her how to run her life. I just expect bills to be paid, people to be respected and quiet.

The apartment is in my name and so are the bills. The furniture is all pretty much mine with the exception of her 2 couches.

 

Tonight was the last straw. Well I talked to my roommate just now. Actually she confronted me. I wrote on my facebook status that I feel like I am living with Hitler and she read that and told me she is going to look for a new place. She bullied me as well asking me how do I bully her? I tried explaining and what not but she is a bully and said I was being childish about my status. She was attacking me and I tried to calmly explain my side but she just kept attacking and digging and interogating. I told her that if she felt like I was bullying her, I would be concerned but she didn't seem concerned that I felt bullied because she doesn't think she is one.

 

Okay so why did I write that as my status?

My birthday is coming soon and will be on the 13th. I decided to have a party at my place and invited all of my friends from facebook. My roommate won't be around and her birthday is 5 days before mine. When she first moved in she told me that she doesn't want her friends over when she is not around, meaning basically that I couldn't become friends with her friends if she wasn't around. She told me that happened at the last place she moved in and one of her friends started hanging out there when she wasn't with her other roommates and she didn't like that.

 

I thought that was strange and thought 'don't your friends have their own minds and do what they want?'

 

Anyways, one of her friends is my friend on facebook. I invited everyone, even those who live in other provinces - mainly because I didn't have time to sort through who lives too far away, etc. I invited her friend and she told me today to remove him from the guest list. I said he can just reply no. And she responds "remember what I told you" in a threatening sort of tone.

 

It's hard not to let this bother me but she is going to make me look like the bad guy when she should have looked at how her own behaviour is making me uncomfortable. I told her how I don't feel safe and she just bulldozed through what I said, not paying any attention to my feelings.

 

I honestly think that a normal person would want to know why this person feels this person is being bullied. I can understand feeling hurt but people don't write those things for no reason.

 

Dealing with her is like dealing with a rabid Chihuahua.

 

Anyways, I just want some feedback on this situation. She makes me feel uncomfortable and I am disturbed that she doesn't care about that. I feel I have been more than accommodating towards her and I started standing up to things and not taking any more of her bullying.

Is she crazy cause she has way too many hangups and isn't someone who is willing to compromise like I am.

[onefunnybabe]

Hello,

 

I haven't gotten any replies on this so I'm just wondering what people think as I would love to hear people's thoughts. Since she says she is going to leave, I don't have to worry about that but am wondering if I have been out of line because my friends don't think so and seem to think she is quite immature.

 

Thanks!

Paula

[kizik]

You're not out of line, except for in the length of your posts. Shorten it next time (just the facts, ma'am) and I am sure you will get more responses.

 

I'm sorry about your roomie situation (although I guess she's moving out?). Mine has a BF that yelled at me the other day and still hasn't apologized. Now they're f*cking in the next room.

[onefunnybabe]

Yeah, my post was so darn long because I basically wanted to complain about all the things she's been doing.

She doesn't like to give apologies but she seems to think she is entitled to them and even when she apologized for calling me at 1 in the morning, it was the lamest apology ever. She was already defensive and then blames me for the attitude I gave her and that's why she didn't apologize sooner. Like that is so childish. I would have apologized right away because I'd probably figure out why they were so upset instead of getting defensive and thinking they were treating me like a child.

[O'Malley]

Is there any way you could afford a smaller apartment in your current building, or a studio? You'll have a lot more peace of mind if you're the only person living there.

 

Both of you are letting the small things grow into major issues here; the best thing to do until you can find another place is to not spend time together feeding into the fighting. Spend more time in your room or out with people; turn off your phone's ringtone if you don't want calls after a certain time.

[curiousnycgirl]

For the most part I agree with O'Mally - you are sweating the small stuff, however I don't think you started that without being provoked.

 

I have lived most of my life in apartments and frankly at no time is loud music acceptable at 2:40 am. Generally speaking 9 pm is the cutoff, with the occassional midnight for a party - assuming you invite all your neighbors to the party!

 

Also calling someone who you are not particularly close with at 1:19 am telling them to get up to be social is just ridiculous. I'm willing to bet she did that in the hope that you wouldn't complain about her having people over so late. Totally childish.

 

Truth is you should not have allowed her to bring in her couches if all you were doing is renting her a bedroom (with use of the public areas). You need to better articulate the rules if you are going to sublet your spare bedroom.

[onefunnybabe]

She has been keeping to her room and I try and go out. Since she has been aggravating me lately, I have actually been going to my parents more since being there has made me uncomfortable.

 

I was never one to sweat the small stuff but because she had picked on me and I let it slide, it eventually got to the point where I had to say enough is enough. She did provoke too much. I wanted to move anyways to another city nearby anyways so I'm not sure what will happen. Also I have a friend that would let me move in with her, not in Toronto, the city I want to move to with another friend, but in Mississauga, which is closer to Toronto then where I am now.

 

I have to think about what is my living strategy going to be.

 

She seems like she has major issues and I can't help her with that and she'll probably see me as the bad guy until she grows up.

 

Thanks all!

[onefunnybabe]

That's what is annoying as well since she keeps saying that I treat her like a child or calls me childish but she is the one that is acting inappropriately. She is projecting and doesn't realize it.

If she thinks I treat her like a child, that is all in her head!

[curiousnycgirl]

Actually I disagree you probably are treating her like a child, but only because she is acting like one.

[onefunnybabe]

Hello all,

 

Here is the latest update. My roommate expects her deposit back which is half of half of her rent and she is moving out on the first. We signed a contract stating to give 6 weeks. I am not giving her deposit of $250 back. She says she wants it back and that the contract is invalid due to slander. I never stated her name in my status update and it's me expressing my opinion. It's not slanderous at all!

 

Thoughts?

I feel really bad now. She is bullying me big time!

[onefunnybabe]

Hello all,

 

I think part of the problem with my roommate is there is a power struggle going on. When she brought those couches, she even wanted to switch rooms and I thought isn't it a violation of an unspoken roommate code that you never ask to switch rooms?

 

I really think she is getting angry at me because she thinks she's in charge when she's not. The lease is in my name and she is in a way, my tenant, who can freely do as she pleases as long as there is mutual agreement.

[Jada]

Reason why I won't live with flatmates. Sounds like you needed to have a good vent, yes I've been in your position where you actually start to hate or dislike the person your living with, I at the time owned the house and I had confrontation issues where I can't tell people what I think and instead just fume on the anger. Very unhealthy at least you show the art of compromise. All in all you need another room mate, some you hit it off with some you don't, I've actually heard several stories about internet friends not getting on with their room mates, not a lot can be done unless they move out. Maybe you might want to try a guy instead of a chick, I don't know, just be thankful you don't have to live with it your whole entire life.

[onefunnybabe]

I had to call the cops last night because she freaked out about how I used one of her beer cups when I had a gathering on saturday. I washed it but she was still harassing me about that and the deposit. She hasn't given me a written notice and the contract we signed said she has to give me 6 weeks notice. She said to me as well 'don't make the next 3 weeks difficult' and was using a threatening voice with me and I called the police because I felt unsafe.

 

She talks to her friend tonight in front of the bathroom while I am taking a bath and I know she is doing this to egg me on. The cops told us to not talk to each other. She said I had gone off the deep end and that the cops thought I was crazy as well (which I think she was exaggerating). She said to her friend that she will file a civil suit once she gets a copy of the police report and get this...

 

She was cackling on the phone as well with her friend!

 

I found this hilarious because it just demonstrates her lack of maturity and her inflated sense of self.

 

Like if people think I am crazy, that don't bother me!

She knows I have 2 mentally ill brothers and she said as well that my parents have 3 crazy children and not 2.

 

I do stand up comedy, so this whole behaviour is just comedy material to me!

 

Yeah I'm definitely going to live on my own. I am to find a place for April.

 

She was also telling her friend she is worried that I will hack her dog so she is leaving him locked in her bedroom. Like I usually ignored him anyways and have no ambition to hurt him. She is actually worried I might be sick and twisted.

 

This girl is addicted to drama!

[onefunnybabe]

Hello all,

 

Just giving an update on my situation. The now ex roommate moved out on February 1st by 2pm but came back at 10pm and broke the chain lock that I had up (I put it up for psychological reasons and to feel safe from her). I called the cops but they said she had rights to the apartment. She even said she was going to have a party. (crazy!). The door and chain lock had slight damage so I don't know if I will have to pay for that.

 

I met someone who has been through my situation and told me how to start the process for legally evicting her since she has refused to sign a note stating her moving out date so she is considered a tenant still. I tried negotiating with her but she wanted her deposit back in cash, which I was not willing to do.

 

She had a party about 2 weeks ago and didn't clean up the mess and she stopped doing her dishes since the 13th when I called the cops.

I cleaned up the apartment yesterday so things are starting to get back to normal.

 

She came by the 2nd 3x to pick up food left in the fridge. She just stopped by for 5 minutes but really was being annoying but it was creepy to me. I ended up changing the locks that night so now she can't come and go as she pleases (she insists she has this right because I still have her deposit)

 

It's funny because she isn't respecting the contract we have. you have to give notice and then the deposit goes towards the rent. if you don't give me sufficient notice (contract said 6 weeks), you are financially responsible for 6 weeks. Since my name is on the lease, I have to give 60 day notice from the first of the month if I want to leave and if I leave on the 15th, I still have to pay until the end of the month. She either is purposely twisting the contract because she just wants her deposit back or really doesn't understand what it means to give 6 weeks notice. She said during our last email conversation that partial rent is okay. (someone needs a reality check)

 

I think she will not take the eviction form I sent to her workplace seriously but it doesn't matter because I can then take her to court and she will have no case.

 

I hate the drama but I am slowly getting my life in order. I am trying to learn from this experience and if I decide to live with a roommate, find one who is more mentally and emotionally stable and also willing to compromise and not be 'my way or the highway'. And improve the existing contract I came up with.

 

Paula