She's cheating on my friend with me.

[uhhh confused]

It is very unlike me to ask advice of anyone, anywhere, anytime. I've gotten myself into a situation where my head and my heart can't find agreement.

 

Basically, she's cheating on him with me. He is a long time friend of mine. They've been together for over a year. But, over six months ago we kissed. Since she's confessed her feelings for me had been brewing since before she got together with my friend. They are together constantly, I'm surprised we found as much time to be alone together that we did. (sometimes 3 hours a week! hah!).

 

Anyway, we still talk (albeit rarely, due to their constantly being together).. and haven't been able to see her alone for a couple weeks now. Schedules have changed and it's impossible. Point is, I love her and she says she loves me. She also has told me that she would still not be happy with her current boyfriend, even if it weren't for my being around.

 

I refuse to make her choose. It's so.. wrong. Even if I did, in all rationality she'd choose him because a lot of her life revolves around him. I can't expect her to throw her current lifestyle into chaos just for me, can I? All I know is I really want to be with her, and I can't stand it being like this anymore. Sometimes I wonder if I made the wrong decision when I decided to let my affections grow on her.. it meant the sacrifice of my friend. It's okay, he's strange. In fact, I think he treats her very poorly. But, I don't know how they are when I'm not around.. who knows. I'm just wondering if anyone knows what I should do..

[uhhh confused]

Yea, to elaborate further. I feel bad for her, despite the fact that I know what she's doing is wrong. Unfair to me, and unfair to him. She's emotionally cheating on him daily still.

[gocubsgo]

uuuh confused?

 

why would you do that to your friend?

this girl is playing both of you!

if she was soooo miserable, she would have left him.

why do you feel sorry for her? is she being beaten? verbally abused?

are they married? do they have kids?

if you answer no to all, then what's the deal.

if she has no ties to him, she should have left.

keep in mind:

if she'll do that to him, won't she do that to you?

she's looking for you to save her from misery and the only loser in the situation will be you.

she's having a "grass is greener" episode and she'll probably end up hurting everyone involved.

and then you'll be left without her and your friend for what you did.

what you need to decide is, whether it's exciting because it's forbidden, or do you really have true feelings for this

girl.

you might find, after the dust settles, that you really aren't compatible and the only thing you had in common was

the fact that you are both morally challenged!

it's a sad story, but not on her part, on yours.

you know the right thing to do. it's the doing it that's hard!

[midori]

Originally posted by uhhh confused

a lot of her life revolves around him. I can't expect her to throw her current lifestyle into chaos just for me, can I?

 

So... she's living with him, and wouldn't be able to afford a place of her own if they broke up?

 

and/or he's rich and provides her with things she wouldn't otherwise have?

 

 

So you're saying that you love her but you can't expect her to make some changes in her life in order to be with the man she supposedly loves (you) AND in order to stop cheating on someone you supposedly admire and like (your friend)?

 

Wow, you're very understanding.

 

I think you should cut all ties with both of them. Your friend deserves better than you. And you both deserve better than her.

 

There is no getting around the fact that you have betrayed your friend. If you felt that he "deserved" it somehow, wasn't living up to his duties by her, then you should have talked to him about it, instead of kissing her. If you don't care enough about your friend to resist temptation then you obviously don't care enough to consider yourself his friend at all.

 

And she, clearly, is not a good person to be involved with. She cheats, she manipulates, and it sounds like she's happy to use a man if it will afford her the lifestyle she wants.

[uhh confused..]

Harsh words you have for me. I understand though.. I've done foolish wrongs (again, my head and heart did not agree.. whenever my head started to win the battle she'd say something to put my heart back into things). I also.. miscommunicated a bit.

 

It's not so much a lifestyle thing really.. (we're younger than you appear to think). In fact, after I read your response Midori -- I've come to realize I've exagerrated her dependence on him quite a bit. But, if they ever broke up her life would continue to be hell for at least half a year. They are all enrolled in the same units at their school.

 

But, I have realized that what we're doing is wrong. If I can steel my nerves I'm going to put myself apart from her and let her fix things with her current 'other' before she even thinks of me.

 

Ha, I do not admire him. We've grown apart over the years.. he's got issues. I give him some slack though, cuz he had deep personal tragedy at an early age which would probably make anyone a little crackers.

 

I didn't go an' kiss her on my own. I hadn't given it thought.. it just happened. She had been spending time alone with me that week, and she was being really 'friendly'. Trust me, she had to lure me in gooood cuz I'm a shy guy. In fact, it was my first kiss.

 

I fell for her, she fell for me. We're both young and stupid. I just haven't had the heart to do the right thing/force her to make a decision. I do have true feelings for her, and I don't think she'd cheat on me. She'd have no reason to, I'm a better guy than she's had in the past. That's an arrogant thing to say, but I believe it's true DESPITE the fact I didn't listen to my head for a long time here.

 

Yea. Please don't speak badly of her, I was the one who made the decision. I decided I'd rather be with her, or keep the chance of being with her than keep my friends. And I still don't regret it. I just regret that I'm going to have to try to exit the situation gracefully and not be crushed (moreover, crush her). Anyway, I'm having trouble maintaining a train of thought.. but.. I'm interested in hearing what else you guys n' gals have out there to say.

[Jamie31]

I think that you should just forget this girl and let her make the decision whether she wants to stay with your friend or not. But leave her alone. If she cheats on your friend, what makes you think she won't do that to you?

 

Once a cheater, always a cheater. That's my philosophy.