breaking up because of not believing in god

[tobefree]

How many of you out there broke up with your bf/gf because he/she doesn't accept god and believe what you believe?

 

Let's say in a relationship where your bf/gf is very religious and he/she goes to great lengths to try to convert you into being a christian too whereas you are an atheist who never believes in such things like gods.

 

 

I recently broke up with my gf mainly because of this. She was very religious. She tried to convert me but i didn't buy it. We had been on a long distance relationship for a year and everytime we talked on MSN her topic was always focusing on god, gushing over how god loved her and how she communicated with her god and what god told her to do.

 

She told me god was her No1 and second her family and loved one and then friends. She said god loved her more than her father. and god was always her first priority.

 

I got really sick whenever she talked about all this and we always argued over it and finally we broke up because she thought we didnt have the same purpose in life that was to love god as crazy as she did.

 

 

How many of you have gone through this religion struggle and i'd like you to talk about and tell me what your feelings are it if you guys have this kind of experience. thank you.

[Geishawhelk]

I'm the "religious" one with regards to my partner. (I'm Buddhist, he ain't nuthin' really....!)

 

The only way I influence him is through my own personal attitude.

But that's for him to witness. I don't do it under his nose. It's up to him to make his mind up depending on his perception.

His choices are his choices, and I respect that.

 

I have never and will never attempt to convert, convince or proselytise.

To my mind it's not a skilful thing to do, and we're not encouraged to do it.....

 

I'm afraid your ex- is probably never going to change, and her ideology dictates that she MUST attempt to convert you and bring you to Christ. That's what Christians are encouraged to do, but there is no question that it's enacted to varying degrees by different traditions.

There's nothing wrong with having a couple who believe different things. The important is to assess how much of a priority that is to you (both) and to establish respectful boundaries.

[quankanne]

my relationship with DH is like that of Geishawhelk's with her guy: I hold a certain belief, but I try very hard to witness by my actions, not by bashing DH over the head with my Catholic causes

 

however, when you write "he/she goes to great lengths to try to convert you," that's NEVER a good sign, whether you hold a particular spiritual belief or abstain from holding one, because it means the other person really isn't interested in you or your well-being, only in adding another scalp to the pelt ...

 

if she truly loves God as much as she says, she needs to respect that he will work in others at *his* own pace, preferably not through force.

 

just my two cents

[fral945]

How many of you have gone through this religion struggle and i'd like you to talk about and tell me what your feelings are it if you guys have this kind of experience. thank you.

 

In your case, I think you made the right choice in the long haul.

 

I think the odds are slim for a religious and a non-religious person to make a relationship work. I used to fight this often because I am non-religious and was constantly questioned by the women I dated (who overwhelmingly tended to be religious, even if they didn’t attend church). Two guys I work with (who are also agnostic) told me both of their exes try to “convert” them as well and that was one of the main reasons for their breakups.

 

I have decided not to date religious women just because I know it won’t work from a practical standpoint. I have no desire to be converted or saved. They are also more difficult to reason with because they tend to believe God is more in control of things. Atheists and agnostics, OTOH, tend to be more open to reason based arguments and believe human beings are more in control of things.

 

My own personal belief and observation is women tend to be more religious than men (as a general rule). But the few non-religious or atheist women I know tend to be better educated, so I recommend you look for a woman with a masters degree . Or at least someone with less stringent religious views.

[JamesM]

I think when religion or non-religion is different between people, then it can be a huge issue if marriage is pursued. Even differences within the same religion (ie Christianity) can be a marriage breaker if the two cannot agree.

 

Congratulations on ending the relationship. God is a huge part of her life, and she should not have to put you before Him. And if you stayed with her, then you would (most likely) end up resenting her for her beliefs. There is also the distinct possibility that God could have used her as a means to bring you to the understanding of His love and reality.

 

I agree with her in that God is real, but honestly, it is irrelevant what each believes. If they cannot walk together in this area, then in many cases it is much better to end the relationship than continue with the guaranteed arguments that will arise after marriage...especially when children are born.

 

Personally, my wife and I are in agreement in almost every area regarding religion. However, in the past, I dated a girl who I was quite "in love" with and she with me. She was Catholic and I am Protestant. While I can respect her beliefs, we felt that the differences might be too much for us to handle. Were we right? Who knows. I always said if I met someone I loved more than I would marry her, and I did. We can never know what our future could have been, but I can say that I do love my wife more than I ever did this girl.

 

So...incompatibility in the area of religion is one of the big stressors of marriage. I agree with the position you took regarding your future with her. While I think you are completely wrong regarding the existence of God, I do think you chose the right option with your relationship with the gf.

[D-Lish]

I think it would take ONE conversation like that for me and I'd be running away, ANGRY.

 

I think two people can coexist in a relationship with different beliefs, but only to an extent.

 

I can't imagine the amount of resentment you must have had in this relationship. WHen someone continually hammers at you that they want you to be something you are not... it can't make you feel good.

 

I've been in relationships with spiritual, religious men (I don't believe)... and it hasn't ever been a problem. We have always respected one another.

 

It never could have worked out between the two of you. You would have spent the rest of your life defending yourself. What a horrible way to live, agreed?

[chris250]

It couldn't have worked out since she believes that God comes first before anything or anyone else in her life and if you believe she should put you before God. The relationship is doomed at that point.

 

She is standing true on her convictions that God should come first and that nobody is going to love her and care about her any more than God does.

 

She needs to find someone who has the same conviction about putting God first just as you need someone who would be willing to put you first.

 

You brought up excellent points about how a relationship can't work between a christian and an atheist if that christian believes God is in control of everything while the atheist believes we have to make things happen for ourselves.

 

How can that kind of relationship work? it can't because the two of you are looking at life through different glasses.

 

However I disagree with her trying to convert you to her beliefs. Both of you need the freedom to be true to your own personal convictions without hurting each other in the process.

 

She can't expect to convert you to christianity and you could not expect her to give up her convictions to put God first in her life. Obviously her spirituality is a very important aspect of her life. It's a major part of who she is.

[taiko]

 

 

However I disagree with her trying to convert you to her beliefs. Both of you need the freedom to be true to your own personal convictions without hurting each other in the process.

 

She can't expect to convert you to christianity and you could not expect her to give up her convictions to put God first in her life. Obviously her spirituality is a very important aspect of her life. It's a major part of who she is.

 

I agree with you here. If you believe the equally yoked aspect of the faith as fundamental Christians and Muslims of all denominations are bound to do then any conversion should come before the relationship. And if you are the person who lead someone to Christ or into submission I don't believe that you should be pursuing a romantic relationship. If a romance should spontaneously happen latter then okay, in my opinion.

[Eve]

My Hubby knelt with me in prayer because he trusted me. He is now a Christian. The act of bearing witness is an important one in Christianity. I suppose it is important to seperate the divine from the imagined... or something. Anyhow, he saw for himself and we witnessed it together ...

 

I dont see what is wrong with that!

 

Regards,

Eve xx

[Geishawhelk]

It takes acceptance and willingness, Eve.

Ther's nothing wrong with that, providing it's not done with over-enthusiastic emotional blackmail, or moral superiority.

It has to be an equal partnership and dialogue.

[Eve]

I cannot deny that moral supremacy is not an issue... from a psychological viewpoint. I do seperate what is psychological from what is spiritual you see..

 

I think that sometimes people simply do not 'get' each other in the first instance so there is no movement within their/his/her ego to allow trust to lead. Replace the word with 'religion' with anything else and it still will not work within this premise.

 

Regards,

Eve xx

[tobefree]

In your case, I think you made the right choice in the long haul.

 

I think the odds are slim for a religious and a non-religious person to make a relationship work. I used to fight this often because I am non-religious and was constantly questioned by the women I dated (who overwhelmingly tended to be religious, even if they didn’t attend church). Two guys I work with (who are also agnostic) told me both of their exes try to “convert” them as well and that was one of the main reasons for their breakups.

 

I have decided not to date religious women just because I know it won’t work from a practical standpoint. I have no desire to be converted or saved. They are also more difficult to reason with because they tend to believe God is more in control of things. Atheists and agnostics, OTOH, tend to be more open to reason based arguments and believe human beings are more in control of things.

 

My own personal belief and observation is women tend to be more religious than men (as a general rule). But the few non-religious or atheist women I know tend to be better educated, so I recommend you look for a woman with a masters degree . Or at least someone with less stringent religious views.

 

 

Thanks so much for the reply. I couldn't agree with you more. I have also decided NEVER NEVER to date religious women after this terrible relationship.

 

well, actually she is well educated and she studied in UK for her last year of university. She has a bachelor degree in pharmaceutics or something like that. And it seems to me that people of higher education tend to be religious, like in my company, one of my director from singapore is also a christian but she hardly talks about god and share with us about it. All her foucus is on the job and her management of the company.

 

anyways, thanks for the reply. and in no way will i be converted. no one can change me. thanks

[tobefree]

.While I think you are completely wrong regarding the existence of God, I do think you chose the right option with your relationship with the gf.

 

Thanks for the reply. well, i don't think i can agree with your saying i am completely wrong regarding the existence of god. To be honest, be it exists or not it is completely irrelevant to me. In china, i think most people believe in Buddhism, which, to some people, is a part of chinese culture and custom. My parents and me and some of my relatives go to temples to worship god in some occassions like the chinese new year and other occassions ect. but we never go so far as to be so religous and talking about god all day long. It will really make me sick and feel horrible.

[Citizen Erased]

Yuck, I'd hate to have someone cramming their beliefs down my throat like that. Talking about how God loves her and He loves her more than her father and He is number one? Is she just trying to avoid hell, making sure to kiss enough of God's divine arse before she dies?

 

You are better off. Good luck with your next relationship.

[tobefree]

I think it would take ONE conversation like that for me and I'd be running away, ANGRY.

 

I think two people can coexist in a relationship with different beliefs, but only to an extent.

 

I can't imagine the amount of resentment you must have had in this relationship. WHen someone continually hammers at you that they want you to be something you are not... it can't make you feel good.

 

I've been in relationships with spiritual, religious men (I don't believe)... and it hasn't ever been a problem. We have always respected one another.

 

It never could have worked out between the two of you. You would have spent the rest of your life defending yourself. What a horrible way to live, agreed?

 

Hi D-Lish, first let me thank you for the reply. I totally agree with you on this.

 

I don't know where to begin this. anyways, i know she is not right for me. and like you say, i do feel angry towards her when she placed god in her first place, outweighting all the love of her family and friends.

 

I loved her and took good care of her but that's far less adequate compared to the "love" god gave her. We had been on a long distance relationship for a year where she was in malaysia and i was in china. I called her every day, several times a day regardless of the high cost of international calls saying i loved her and caring about her but all she wanted was her god's love. Her church frends advised her not to take the "risk" to be in love with me because i don't believe in what they believe and saying she got the "passport" to go to heaven and didn't wish to be "ruined" by me because i was non religious. That's BS!!

 

She told me she cried because her mother, brother and sister didn't believe in god and she feared they would one day to to hell and she was tryign to "save" them. I told her not to worry about it, considering no one knew what happened when people die. they simply sleep in peach forever. But then she was not happy with me and got pissed off every time when i didn't agree with her "preach". anyways, i think i did the right choice and if we didn't stop it it will do us really bad in the long run. Thanks!

[tobefree]

Yuck, I'd hate to have someone cramming their beliefs down my throat like that. Talking about how God loves her and He loves her more than her father and He is number one? Is she just trying to avoid hell, making sure to kiss enough of God's divine arse before she dies?

 

You are better off. Good luck with your next relationship.

 

 

Thanks! yes she is helpless religious. I hope to find a more compatinle gf in 2009 then, thanks for the reply.

[tobefree]

It couldn't have worked out since she believes that God comes first before anything or anyone else in her life and if you believe she should put you before God. The relationship is doomed at that point.

 

She is standing true on her convictions that God should come first and that nobody is going to love her and care about her any more than God does.

 

She needs to find someone who has the same conviction about putting God first just as you need someone who would be willing to put you first.

 

You brought up excellent points about how a relationship can't work between a christian and an atheist if that christian believes God is in control of everything while the atheist believes we have to make things happen for ourselves.

 

How can that kind of relationship work? it can't because the two of you are looking at life through different glasses.

 

However I disagree with her trying to convert you to her beliefs. Both of you need the freedom to be true to your own personal convictions without hurting each other in the process.

 

She can't expect to convert you to christianity and you could not expect her to give up her convictions to put God first in her life. Obviously her spirituality is a very important aspect of her life. It's a major part of who she is.

 

 

true! through this i grew. It made me learn that there is any kind of "love" out there for some special people. I think we all did the right decision to cut this relationship off given that we have our different values in our lives. She will firmly continue her life with her god and believes what she believes while i will continue my own life. Thank you.

[fral945]

well, actually she is well educated and she studied in UK for her last year of university. She has a bachelor degree in pharmaceutics or something like that. And it seems to me that people of higher education tend to be religious, like in my company, one of my director from singapore is also a christian but she hardly talks about god and share with us about it. All her foucus is on the job and her management of the company.

 

That's interesting. You are in China, though, so maybe it is different. My experience in America has been that the more educated women tend not to be as religious.

 

Anyway, good luck in your search for a new relationship.

[tobefree]

That's interesting. You are in China, though, so maybe it is different. My experience in America has been that the more educated women tend not to be as religious.

 

Anyway, good luck in your search for a new relationship.

 

 

ok good. But i think it largely depends on what the level of religion people are engaged in. one of my friend, a chinese-french, is also a christian but he is not religious at all. he believes in science anyways.

 

There is no doubt that religion has destroyed many relationships as far as i am concern.

[disgracian]

I'm repeating myself, but the point probably bears repeating anyway, by saying that whatever the differences, it's imperative that both parties love, respect and accept each other for what they are now, not what one hopes they can change the other into.

 

Differences aren't as important as attitudes, because how we react to them is up to us.

 

Cheers,

D.

[JamesM]

I'm repeating myself, but the point probably bears repeating anyway, by saying that whatever the differences, it's imperative that both parties love, respect and accept each other for what they are now, not what one hopes they can change the other into.

 

Differences aren't as important as attitudes, because how we react to them is up to us.

 

Cheers,

D.

 

 

 

Very well said, my friend. Spoken with the voice of experience and anyone who doesn't take this attitude when getting married will have a difficult time.

 

And to add to it slightly, if we do not realize that we both will change as we get older, then we will also have a difficult time. We must also respect and love the person we marry for who they will become...and allow them to be the person they want to be.

[tobefree]

And to add to it slightly, if we do not realize that we both will change as we get older, then we will also have a difficult time. We must also respect and love the person we marry for who they will become...and allow them to be the person they want to be.

 

yes, that will be great if both persons can do this. but the thing here is that my ex can never accept me as being a non-christian and will never marry anyone who is not a faithful christian as well. no matter how nice and caring you are, she will not appreciate it if you are not a christian. It's ridiculous. To her only christians are perfect and flawless. anyways i hope she will find her perfect christian soulmate. Thanks for all the replies.

[D-Lish]

It's still tough to be in your position. Simply knowing you aren't right for one another doesn't make a break up easier.

 

I've posted before that I once sat beside a woman on a 4 hour plane ride that brought out her bible and started lecturing me about how I was going to hell for not being a Christian. By the end of the trip I was so angry:mad:.

 

I couldn't imagine being made to feel inferior or unworthy on a daily basis by someone you love.

[Lovelybird]

Personally I think if our loved one is the vessel that express God's love, that would be ultimate beautiful thing in the world:love:. Human love may change, but God's love never will.

 

Anyway, you will find your love too, at right time

[Mahatma]

My current girlfriend of over 6 months is a pretty strong believer in Christianity and I am trying to pursue a path in Buddhism. She has her beliefs and I have mine.

 

We often have conversations and have never argued. She agrees that she has no idea that what she believes is real. She admits there is the possibility that she could be totally wrong, but chooses to hold her faith. I see no problem with this. She has never attempted to convert me or push her religion on me (like asking me to go to church with her).