Who to believe...(soon-to-be Ex)BF or his Ex-GF?

[luverly]

Sorry a bit of backstory first...

So my BF and I are finally breaking up...I'm in the process of moving out. In the beginning of our relationship we were crazy about each other. We were long distance for about 6 months while he was deployed then 3 months LD spending every weekend together. Since then we've lived together. He used to always talk about his ex-wife and how much he hated her and his one ex-gf (I'll call her Jane). Gradually with time that stopped, but I found out that before me Jane was the only girl he had ever loved (not his ex-wife he just "thought" it was love at first) and that they dated on and off in high school and ever since then he had tried to rekindle things with her. He looked for her for years, but couldn't find her.

 

Well while he was deployed Jane found his old email and wrote him he said they talked a few times platonically just out of curiousity and that once they talked on the phone...she asked to see him and he said no. This was going on sporatically during the first 9 months we were together while he was telling me he wanted to marry me one day and loved me.

 

I am leaving him so I said screw the whole trusting what he said thing, so I found her email and wrote her. I couldn't take anymore wondering what the hell really happened because it didn't make sense that he would just drop it after trying to get with her for so long. He said the relationship had been broken beyond repair, they cheated on each other and that is why he never saw her and that he wanted to have a life with me.

 

So the ex Jane writes me back and says she's really sorry about my situation and that another woman fell victim to his crap. She said while he was deployed they did just talk like friends but every once in awhile my BF would say how much he missed her, wanted to be with her, she was the only woman he will ever love and that he will never have that again because she existed in his life.

 

She said she hasn't seen him in 6 years and he's continually tried to be with her even though she has no interest. She said that they talked on the phone once because he was tired of just texting and wanted to talk. She said it was platonic but that at the end he said he thinks about her everyday and misses her and wishes that he could change the past and thanked her for talking to him. She said he asked to see her, but was scared and SHE was the one that said no not him.

 

When I confronted him he said that it was all the other way around and that he said no. He admitted that while he was deployed he had wanted to see her because he didn't feel like our relationship was real yet, but as soon as we started hanging out in person he told her no. I do know for a fact that the whole first 9 months we were together he was texting emailing and had that phone call with his ex all behind my back. I found out in July.

 

I'm leaving him for other reasons as well, but if this was you just out of curiousity who would you believe? Him or Her?

[EnigmaXOXO]

I'm leaving him for other reasons as well, but if this was you just out of curiousity who would you believe? Him or Her

 

Wouldn’t matter at this point. The whole thing is so convoluted (he said, she said) it would be hard to tell which one was being more honest. The truth is somewhere in between.

 

I think you’re doing yourself a favor by pulling yourself out of this soap opera once and for all. There are plenty of great guys out there who don’t come with so much ex-relationship baggage ... in addition to all the other reasons you’ve found to pull out.

 

Trust your decision.

[Trialbyfire]

Since then we've lived together. He used to always talk about his ex-wife and how much he hated her and his one ex-gf (I'll call her Jane). Gradually with time that stopped, but I found out that before me Jane was the only girl he had ever loved (not his ex-wife he just "thought" it was love at first) and that they dated on and off in high school and ever since then he had tried to rekindle things with her. He looked for her for years, but couldn't find her.

Red flag #1. He still hates not one but two exes. It's everyone else's fault. Carrying hatred for exes for great lengths of time, isn't a good way to live. Imagine what he's saying about you now!

 

Well while he was deployed Jane found his old email and wrote him he said they talked a few times platonically just out of curiousity and that once they talked on the phone...she asked to see him and he said no. This was going on sporatically during the first 9 months we were together while he was telling me he wanted to marry me one day and loved me.

Red flag #2, concealing contact with an ex, while in a committed relationship. Why do you need to conceal, when an ex isn't of romantic interest to you?

 

I am leaving him so I said screw the whole trusting what he said thing, so I found her email and wrote her. I couldn't take anymore wondering what the hell really happened because it didn't make sense that he would just drop it after trying to get with her for so long. He said the relationship had been broken beyond repair, they cheated on each other and that is why he never saw her and that he wanted to have a life with me.

Red flag #3, cheated in previous relationship(s).

 

So the ex Jane writes me back and says she's really sorry about my situation and that another woman fell victim to his crap. She said while he was deployed they did just talk like friends but every once in awhile my BF would say how much he missed her, wanted to be with her, she was the only woman he will ever love and that he will never have that again because she existed in his life.

 

She said she hasn't seen him in 6 years and he's continually tried to be with her even though she has no interest. She said that they talked on the phone once because he was tired of just texting and wanted to talk. She said it was platonic but that at the end he said he thinks about her everyday and misses her and wishes that he could change the past and thanked her for talking to him. She said he asked to see her, but was scared and SHE was the one that said no not him.

I would believe her. Red flag #4, he lies or bends the truth/reality.

 

When I confronted him he said that it was all the other way around and that he said no. He admitted that while he was deployed he had wanted to see her because he didn't feel like our relationship was real yet, but as soon as we started hanging out in person he told her no. I do know for a fact that the whole first 9 months we were together he was texting emailing and had that phone call with his ex all behind my back. I found out in July.

 

I'm leaving him for other reasons as well, but if this was you just out of curiousity who would you believe? Him or Her?

I would believe her. Your ex is full of crap. He sounds like a serial cheater with issues up the ying, yang.

 

You're doing the right thing. RUN FOR YOUR LIFE OR HE WILL CONTINUE GASLIGHTING YOU!

[luverly]

I feel like the truth is somewhere in the middle too. He's just so convincing...and I love him, but he is so F'ed up I gotta go!

[BoerumHill]

I am glad you are getting away from him. A couple things I would add:

 

I feel like the truth is somewhere in the middle too.

 

OK, I think I missed something...I don't think the truth is somewhere in the middle...and I didn't see any replies suggesting that. He's a liar. Think about the motivation of the "haven't seen him in six years and don't want to" ex-gf.

 

He's just so convincing...

 

No, he's a liar. Repeat that to yourself...he is a liar...he is a cheat...a cheat and a liar may be good at what they do, but you know better. You cannot be convinced or persuaded by someone who lies and cheats. You know better now.

 

and I love him,

 

Irrelevant at this point.

 

but he is so F'ed up I gotta go!

 

Yup...pack faster, run faster, do whatever to get away from that situation ASAP.

[luverly]

Wouldn’t matter at this point. The whole thing is so convoluted (he said, she said) it would be hard to tell which one was being more honest. The truth is somewhere in between...

 

I was referring to that with the whole "truth in the middle" thing. I guess it's just hard to realize that you wasted almost 2 years of your life on bull****.

 

I was faithful and devoted the whole time he was deployed. I even rented a movie theater for his birthday, so we could see a private viewing of his favorite movie with his favorite dinner. Sometimes I just feel like giving up...I'll be 31 this summer and I keep thinking it will get easier to find someone, but it doesn't.

[smarterthanbefore]

You are doing your self a favor, leave now. The fact that he is sneaking behind your back talking to an ex at all is totally direspecting you and your relationship. He is giving you a preview of what's to come. Talking to an ex today, screwing her or someone else tomorrow. It doesn't matter who's telling the truth, what matters is that there should have never been a third party involved in your relationship at all. If she did indeed contact him, he had the choice to delete the message and change his e-mail didn't he? This whole scenerio should not even be happening, he should have protected your relationship more, instead he went for an ego boost and possibly something on the side. He could be telling the truth, but who knows, he did sneak behind your back, so how can you trust what he say to be the truth? Get our now, and find someone who value a relationship like you do.

[BoerumHill]

I guess it's just hard to realize that you wasted almost 2 years of your life on bull****.

 

 

Sometimes I just feel like giving up...I'll be 31 this summer and I keep thinking it will get easier to find someone, but it doesn't.

 

I know, it's frustrating...at a certain stage you tell yourself that with this much time invested, and at this point in my life, I have to fix this, I have to do everything I can to make it work.

 

At least that is how I felt. But the thing is, a relationship takes two fully committed people to work. You've been doing all the heavy lifting, and you know this is true.

 

I know it hurts. I know it can be hard to get through and get past. It really is for the best, though.

 

Good luck, luverly.

[luverly]

I know, it's frustrating...at a certain stage you tell yourself that with this much time invested, and at this point in my life, I have to fix this, I have to do everything I can to make it work.

 

At least that is how I felt. But the thing is, a relationship takes two fully committed people to work. You've been doing all the heavy lifting, and you know this is true.

 

I know it hurts. I know it can be hard to get through and get past. It really is for the best, though.

 

Good luck, luverly.

 

Thanks that really does help to hear

[luverly]

I can't help it all I think about is...I wonder if the girl was telling the truth or she just wanted me to dump him so she could get him back?

[Confusedalways]

Believe her!!!

 

My old roommate was in a similar situation... the ex gf tried to warn her, tell her stories, none of which she was buying. A year or so went by and long story very, very short, the ex girlfriend was telling the 100% truth the entire time and the (ex) bf was a piece of trash. In these situations, the ex gfs really usually don't want to get back together with them.

[luverly]

Believe her!!!

 

My old roommate was in a similar situation... the ex gf tried to warn her, tell her stories, none of which she was buying. A year or so went by and long story very, very short, the ex girlfriend was telling the 100% truth the entire time and the (ex) bf was a piece of trash. In these situations, the ex gfs really usually don't want to get back together with them.

 

Do you think the ex's usually tell the truth? My mom said the same thing...she said the women will usually tell each other the real deal. I did know one guy that had an ex that lied like crazy about him (she was pretty nuts). In general though it seems like the ex-gf's are usually the honest ones? Sorry guys not trying to be sexist just an observation.

[Joyvke]

Some situations aside, I think most females find it their "duty" to be honest about this stuff. Simply so the other girl won't end up in the same situation. It would be though by phone/ mail. So I'd personally want to meet up with her. So you can see if she's sincere and not a type that would lie.

[undecide]

I'm kind of in a similar situation as you are, or at least I can understand how you are feeling as I have lost nearly all my trust in my boyfriend of 3yrs.

 

Your situation is different than mine in that you actually have contacted this ex-gf and know her contact info. If your boyfriend is indeed so truthful and loving, then have him confront his ex on the phone with you listening, then you will really find out the truth. If he refuses, then I guarantee you it's his ex that is telling the truth. If he was telling the truth, then he would have no reason not to show it to you.

 

That's my opinion. But until you can somehow find the 'real' truth, you'll drive yourself crazy, just like I am doing to myself. If you don't want to do this, then you're still probably better off without him because all his reasons sound dodgy anyway.

[luverly]

I'm kind of in a similar situation as you are, or at least I can understand how you are feeling as I have lost nearly all my trust in my boyfriend of 3yrs.

 

Your situation is different than mine in that you actually have contacted this ex-gf and know her contact info. If your boyfriend is indeed so truthful and loving, then have him confront his ex on the phone with you listening, then you will really find out the truth. If he refuses, then I guarantee you it's his ex that is telling the truth. If he was telling the truth, then he would have no reason not to show it to you.

 

That's my opinion. But until you can somehow find the 'real' truth, you'll drive yourself crazy, just like I am doing to myself. If you don't want to do this, then you're still probably better off without him because all his reasons sound dodgy anyway.

 

i only have her email and i don't think she'd want to talk to him on the phone. she seems like she hates him.

 

we talked about it some tonight and he says that she was the one being weird, but i could tell that he was trying to lie and put it all on her. i know he did have feelings for her and probably he did say most of that stuff. he just keeps going on about how "he chose me" and he didn't want to be with her because it was always so bad. he apologized for not deleting all contact with her. also he couldn't explain why he didn't tell her that he had a GF. i think it's because he wanted to keep that door open.

 

the thing i don't get is...if this girl was so annoyed that he would be flirty when she was trying to be platonic (as she said in her email) then why didn't she cut off contact with him???

[undecide]

You say you know he is lying, that you can tell. Why do you want to stay with a guy who you know is lying to you? Snowball that lying to 10yrs from now, imagine what your relationship will be like. If anything, he will just do a better job of concealing things from you. I know this sounds harsh, but you say you know he's lying, then I think there's your answer.

 

As for the other girl not cutting off contact, if you have guy friends who are trying to hit on you, most of the time you would just turn them down nicely but stay friends with them right? You wouldn't ban them from your life.

 

Also, regardless of what this girl is doing, your guy just sounds like bad news if you know you can't trust him. I'm dealing with my own trust issues too, but in my case I actually read what my bf and the OP were discussing so I have more solid evidence to go on.

[norajane]

I can't help it all I think about is...I wonder if the girl was telling the truth or she just wanted me to dump him so she could get him back?

 

 

It doesn't matter. The fact that you have NO IDEA if your bf is honest and truthful or not is the reason to leave him. If he were trustworthy, this wouldn't even be a question in your mind.

[You'reasian]

She said she hasn't seen him in 6 years and he's continually tried to be with her even though she has no interest. She said that they talked on the phone once because he was tired of just texting and wanted to talk. She said it was platonic but that at the end he said he thinks about her everyday and misses her and wishes that he could change the past and thanked her for talking to him. She said he asked to see her, but was scared and SHE was the one that said no not him.

 

When I confronted him he said that it was all the other way around and that he said no. He admitted that while he was deployed he had wanted to see her because he didn't feel like our relationship was real yet, but as soon as we started hanging out in person he told her no. I do know for a fact that the whole first 9 months we were together he was texting emailing and had that phone call with his ex all behind my back. I found out in July.

 

I'm leaving him for other reasons as well, but if this was you just out of curiousity who would you believe? Him or Her?

 

Check phone records. That will tell you how often he has called her and she him.

 

Either way you're leaving the man in question, so its probably best to let it slide and move on.

[luverly]

Check phone records. That will tell you how often he has called her and she him.

 

Either way you're leaving the man in question, so its probably best to let it slide and move on.

 

He stopped talking to her last spring after i found out and changed phones, so there's no way to look up any records at this point.

 

He told me he was getting frustrated that she kept writitng him here and there and sometimes it would be flirty and that's why he wanted to talk to her on the phone (i believe the original version is she wanted to talk to him on the phone).

 

I asked him why he didn't just say he had a GF, he said it didn't come up LOL. You bring it up! It's not hard to say "hey how are you? yeah I'm dating this girl seriously we're moving in together, etc". It's only hard if you don't want her to know for some underhanded reason.

[EnigmaXOXO]

I asked him why he didn't just say he had a GF, he said it didn't come up LOL.

 

Considering he claimed to be “frustrated” with her continued attempts at contact ... The “ I have a Girlfriend” excuse would have been a quick way to nip it in the bud even if he didn’t have one at the time.

 

It’s called Selective Memory, Luverly ... and I’m sure you’re bright enough to realize how transparent and obvious it is.

 

Don’t know why you’re still torturing yourself to the point of obsession with all this “sure wish I weren’t right about him” stuff . It’s kind of sad watching someone prolong their own agony. If there’s one thing more hurtful than finding out you’ve been lied to --- it’s looking for reasons to continue lying to yourself.

[luverly]

Considering he claimed to be “frustrated” with her continued attempts at contact ... The “ I have a Girlfriend” excuse would have been a quick way to nip it in the bud even if he

didn’t

have one at the time.

It’s called Selective Memory, Luverly ... and I’m sure you’re bright enough to realize how transparent and obvious it is.

 

Don’t know why you’re still torturing yourself to the point of obsession with all this “sure wish I weren’t right about him” stuff . It’s kind of sad watching someone prolong their own agony. If there’s one thing more hurtful than finding out you’ve been lied to --- it’s looking for reasons to continue lying to yourself.

 

 

you're right ......i left him already and have moved out. it's over, but it still hurts hearing him profess undying love all the time. NC is maybe the way to go.

[sandrawg]

I went through a lot of the same cr*p you're now going through. PM me if you want to chat!

[luverly]

I was almost to the point of taking him back, but instead I decided to contact another girl he was talking to behind my back (his ex-wife) to seal the nail in the coffin so I could just move on.

 

Well she said before he and I lived together he would call her and she would call him and it would end up in fights because they had just been divorced and they still really hated each other. Sometimes the fights would lead to angry phone sex.

 

So 3 or 4 times while we were together they had phone sex. WTF!

 

He also lied to me about more stuff...like I found out he talked on IM behind my back to a girl he knew in college (he said she was a buddy only). Turns out he cheated on an ex-gf with this girl. He blatantly lied and said they had flirted a bit in college, but nothing happened and it ended up being friends. That's a big difference than having sex!

 

I feel soooo stupid...never ever ever ever again will i make excuses or ignore the red flags.

[sandrawg]

Good for you, Luverly. I PM'd a brief synopsis of MY story. Your story sounds so similar.

 

I forgot to add...my ex got some girl's phone number at a concert back in Jan. I found out about it quite by accident, and he had a whole bunch of excuses as to why he got it. He's full of excuses, lies, and rationalizations. This is his modus operandi. I fully believes that he even lies to HIMSELF. Liars who lie to that extent, will not change.

 

Recently, I got very down about my lame dating experiences, and tried again with this guy, if you can believe that. Turns out that while we were broken up, he had hooked up with a guy. This guy would not leave him alone, and he insisted he kept having to have "talks" with him, so he wouldn't be hurt. The whole thing didn't sit well with me, so now I am gone for GOOD.

 

Don't even invest any more time in this guy.

 

I was almost to the point of taking him back, but instead I decided to contact another girl he was talking to behind my back (his ex-wife) to seal the nail in the coffin so I could just move on.

 

Well she said before he and I lived together he would call her and she would call him and it would end up in fights because they had just been divorced and they still really hated each other. Sometimes the fights would lead to angry phone sex.

 

So 3 or 4 times while we were together they had phone sex. WTF!

 

He also lied to me about more stuff...like I found out he talked on IM behind my back to a girl he knew in college (he said she was a buddy only). Turns out he cheated on an ex-gf with this girl. He blatantly lied and said they had flirted a bit in college, but nothing happened and it ended up being friends. That's a big difference than having sex!

 

I feel soooo stupid...never ever ever ever again will i make excuses or ignore the red flags.

[luverly]

Can you ever try to forgive someone if they never physically cheated, but were dishonest about other things?