Patience, Timelines!

[saturnfell]

Ok, so I have seen my ex a few times over the past week. We agreed we would start as friends, take it slow and see what happens. This was his idea! He said it, but is being ridiculously reserved.

 

When we are together, things are great. We don't talk about the relationship, the conversation flows.

 

He is very stubborn and set in his ways. I'm a chisel chipping away at rock. He will not tell me anything either way about anything he's feeling. As I said, when we're together, it's great. I feel in my heart that time can heal this. Someone wise told me, there's a hole in the stern, but the builders are on board. I know we cannot predict the future, and neither of us know what will happen between us. Please understand, it is so difficult for me to not discuss this with him. The only times I have are over the phone when my mind starts spinning and my thoughts crash. I'm not expecting a miracle overnight either, so please don't think that's the case.

 

I'm just so afraid... How much time do I give? This man means the world to me. I would wait as long as I needed. I'm just so hesitant because I don't want to end up hurt. I can rationalize with myself, if he honestly wasn't interested in giving it a chance, would he even be doing this? Would he be seeing me knowing how I feel if he didn't think there was a possibility? These are the questions I ask myself.

 

Someone shoot me in the foot. It would feel better than this!

 

Can someone answer these for me? Some guidance?

[BCCA]

I guess the short answer is that you can make your own timeline. If youre not getting anywhere in an amount of time you think is fair, youre well within your rights to walk away from it.

 

I get really nervous when people wont tell you about how they feel, or use 'I dunno' as an answer to everything. Generally, if you have something good to tell someone, you cant wait to get it out. Im not saying he has bad news for sure, but youre going to want some clarification sooner or later.

 

To be honest, youre in a tough situation. Ive been there before - youll wait as long as you have to if its going to work out, but you dont want to waste time if its going to be pointless. The part that really sucks is you just dont know, and so youre caught in a catch 22. Do you wait it out or walk away, only you can answer that. I just urge you not to go along too long with things this way.

[saturnfell]

My personal time line has different rules for both. It's not that he won't answer me, this is what happens: He says "Just wait, take it slow" That's exactly what he said to me last night. He doesn't like to have the "what's happening" conversation. He wants me to keep my yapper shut and just enjoy our time together. I get that, I absolutely do.

[D-Lish]

I think that as long as you are waiting around and continue to hang out with him on HIS terms, he doesn't have to make any decisions about where things are at!

 

He can't have a chance to miss you when you are right there.

 

He's having all the benefits of being in a relationship with you without making any commitment to you.

 

I know you don't want to hear this, but I think you need to take some space from this guy in order to give him both time, and a reason to think about what he wants.

 

It's also important for you to think about what you want. Do you want to be in relationship limbo? You deserve better than being someone's "maybe".

 

Right now you are in the position of waiting, and that's a powerless position to be in. If he doesn't know what he wants and you do- then it's probably time to take a stand. Don't allow yourself to be taken for granted by giving him all the benefits of a relationship without the commitment.

 

Right now all you are teaching him is that he doesn't have to make a commitment in order to have you.

 

At some point you are going to have to take control of your own destiny and leave him to his decision making.

 

I can't say it strongly enough- he hasn't had the opportunity to miss you because you remain far too available to him. Try distancing yourself and being less available. When he gets a taste of life without you- THEN, and only then will he picture his life without you.

 

Remaining friends with someone after a break up is a nightmare.

I say don't accept that middle ground from him.

[saturnfell]

I think that as long as you are waiting around and continue to hang out with him on HIS terms, he doesn't have to make any decisions about where things are at!

 

He can't have a chance to miss you when you are right there.

 

He's having all the benefits of being in a relationship with you without making any commitment to you.

 

I know you don't want to hear this, but I think you need to take some space from this guy in order to give him both time, and a reason to think about what he wants.

 

It's also important for you to think about what you want. Do you want to be in relationship limbo? You deserve better than being someone's "maybe".

 

Right now you are in the position of waiting, and that's a powerless position to be in. If he doesn't know what he wants and you do- then it's probably time to take a stand. Don't allow yourself to be taken for granted by giving him all the benefits of a relationship without the commitment.

 

Right now all you are teaching him is that he doesn't have to make a commitment in order to have you.

 

At some point you are going to have to take control of your own destiny and leave him to his decision making.

 

I can't say it strongly enough- he hasn't had the opportunity to miss you because you remain far too available to him. Try distancing yourself and being less available. When he gets a taste of life without you- THEN, and only then will he picture his life without you.

 

Remaining friends with someone after a break up is a nightmare.

I say don't accept that middle ground from him.

 

Hi D-Lish,

 

I did take time away. We didn't speak for awhile, and that is how this entire situation transpired. We spoke one day, and decided we'd like to see one another. It was during this first meeting that we were honest with one another. He told me he still leaves the hall light on sometimes, taking time, taking thing slow and we talked about a few things we need to work on. That's how I got where I am today.

[norajane]

saturnfell, you did break up because you moved in together and then you were afraid so started pulling away, right? And after you pulled away, that's when he broke up with you?

 

If I have that correct, then pulling away is what got you into this mess in the first place, so I wouldn't recommend that. He's probably very wary of YOU and getting hurt again. He's probably wondering if YOU will pull away again if he allows you to get close. If anything, HE's probably thinking if he makes any firm declarations of love or whatnot, that you'll become afraid again and pull away again. HE doesn't want to be a sure thing that you can pick up and drop whenever you feel like it.

 

So, I think you need to give him reassurance of your feelings when appropriate, and do as he has requested: take it SLOW and see how things turn out. He's going to need time to trust you again, and time to feel certain that you're not yanking his chain before he's going to come out and tell you how he feels.

[malibustacydoll]

I agree with the previous poster in the idea that you have to give him a chance to miss you. Maybe you shouldn't always answer his calls or respond to his texts right away or always be there to hangout when he wants to. He has you now as he wants you without having to commit. I don't know your whole story or how serious your relationship was or how long you were together or even why you broke up-- that may help. Maybe he is hoping to see a change or something to improve.

 

I would hangout with him less and give yourself a mindset-- maybe wait another month or so and if he hasn't come around write him a letter. If you're afraid to talk in person letters can be very powerful. It will also ensure that you get across everything that you want to say. Just mail it to him or give it to him one time when you're departing from hanging out. Tell him how you feel and if he responds with give it time, then tell him you want space and make him miss you.

[saturnfell]

saturnfell, you did break up because you moved in together and then you were afraid so started pulling away, right? And after you pulled away, that's when he broke up with you?

 

If I have that correct, then pulling away is what got you into this mess in the first place, so I wouldn't recommend that. He's probably very wary of YOU and getting hurt again. He's probably wondering if YOU will pull away again if he allows you to get close. If anything, HE's probably thinking if he makes any firm declarations of love or whatnot, that you'll become afraid again and pull away again. HE doesn't want to be a sure thing that you can pick up and drop whenever you feel like it.

 

So, I think you need to give him reassurance of your feelings when appropriate, and do as he has requested: take it SLOW and see how things turn out. He's going to need time to trust you again, and time to feel certain that you're not yanking his chain before he's going to come out and tell you how he feels.

 

Hi Norajane,

 

Yes, you're exactly correct. That's what happened.

 

You read my mind. That's exactly what he's thinking, and yes earning my trust back is what he has said he would need to do. I respect taking it slow, I just want to speed through time. Can trust be earned back? Is there anything else to do except be patient?

[norajane]

Hi Norajane,

 

Yes, you're exactly correct. That's what happened.

 

You read my mind. That's exactly what he's thinking, and yes earning my trust back is what he has said he would need to do. I respect taking it slow, I just want to speed through time. Can trust be earned back? Is there anything else to do except be patient?

 

Yes, you can earn trust back, but it takes TIME. You have to BE trustworthy over time for someone to believe they can trust you again.

 

As I said, give him the reassurances he needs. Don't play any stupid games like not calling him back for a while just to make him wonder about you. Don't be unavailable without explanation. Don't start pulling away when you become afraid or uncertain - talk to him about it, communicate, communicate, communicate. Be an open book. Be kind and loving and he'll see that.

 

And, sorry, but yes, be patient and give him TIME.

 

And don't act like you've got ants in your pants by constantly questioning him on his feelings. Just don't. YOU need to trust that this will work out of you two really work at it.

[D-Lish]

I went back and read about the original situation. It makes more sense to me now.

 

Agree with NJ... the questioning about where things are going has to stop. He needs a chance to trust again.

 

Don't think in terms of "timeline", this is a situation that calls for understanding and patience.

 

Now that I have read the background- I agree that he needs reassurance and time. I think when you refrain from pushing the questions on him, he'll have a chance to relax and that will give both of you the chance to enjoy simply spending time with one another.

[saturnfell]

Yes, you can earn trust back, but it takes TIME. You have to BE trustworthy over time for someone to believe they can trust you again.

 

As I said, give him the reassurances he needs. Don't play any stupid games like not calling him back for a while just to make him wonder about you. Don't be unavailable without explanation. Don't start pulling away when you become afraid or uncertain - talk to him about it, communicate, communicate, communicate. Be an open book. Be kind and loving and he'll see that.

 

And, sorry, but yes, be patient and give him TIME.

 

And don't act like you've got ants in your pants by constantly questioning him on his feelings. Just don't. YOU need to trust that this will work out of you two really work at it.

 

Trust me, I'm not playing games. We talk, make a plan and that's that. There's no back and forth. I feel like I need so much time to show him; however 'taking it slow' means just that seeing each other a few times a week and taking it slow. I don't question him a lot, and when I have I feel terrible. I know it doesn't help. The lines of communication are open. He knows how I feel. Is he giving this an honest chance?

[norajane]

Yes, I think he's giving it an honest chance. Seeing you 3 times a week is, to be honest, NOT slow. That's a lot of time together. He wouldn't be spending that kind of time with you if he didn't want to give this a good chance.

 

Just continue to be kind and understanding and loving. That's the best you can do, and that's the only thing that will earn his trust back.

[saturnfell]

Yes, I think he's giving it an honest chance. Seeing you 3 times a week is, to be honest, NOT slow. That's a lot of time together. He wouldn't be spending that kind of time with you if he didn't want to give this a good chance.

 

Just continue to be kind and understanding and loving. That's the best you can do, and that's the only thing that will earn his trust back.

 

I know, you are exactly correct, 3 times is a lot for taking it slow. I know he's giving it an honest chance, I honestly do. It's just very easy to be discouraged. Especially since he won't say anything either way. I need to show him I'm here and I'm not going to run away and give up. I'll continue as I have been. I feel like I don't have enough time though, like 3 days a week will do nothing because there's so much time in between. I guess if my heart is in it, that's all I need. Patience and time.

[saturnfell]

I don't know if I can do this. I'm looking for some words of encouragement. I hate waiting and I hate the unknown.

 

So, when we broke up, I was heartbroken. I applied for a job in another state, turns out they called me. I know we make decisions, but come on! To stay for a possible chance at the greatest partner in the world?! Is that even possible?

 

I'm so confused. I'm so frustrated.

 

Help?

[norajane]

I don't know if I can do this. I'm looking for some words of encouragement. I hate waiting and I hate the unknown.

 

So, when we broke up, I was heartbroken. I applied for a job in another state, turns out they called me. I know we make decisions, but come on! To stay for a possible chance at the greatest partner in the world?! Is that even possible?

 

I'm so confused. I'm so frustrated.

 

Help?

 

How long has it been since you and this guy started seeing each other again?

[saturnfell]

it will be two weeks Sunday that I've been spending time with him (I know, it hasn't been long at all)

[norajane]

That really hasn't been long! That's hardly any time!

 

Come on, you know better than to expect him to be sure of you so soon. You hate the unknown, but, right now, you are also an unknown to him. He's been burned once by you, and it will take him some time to get to the point where he'll feel secure that you're not just going to run away again.

 

Even now, you're considering this out of state job interview. If the only reason you applied for it was because you were heart broken, I don't think you should uproot and move, IF you get a job offer from them, which is no guarantee.

 

I don't really understand why you are so confused. And it's far too soon to be frustrated. Most people would be thrilled to have a second chance.

 

You're really focused on looking at this from your point of view of wanting him to commit to you NOW NOW NOW. His point of view is that you blindsided him by pulling away when you two had moved in together and he believed you were both getting closer. He's not going to be able to just get over that. You have to show him through consistency and patience that his feelings and security matter to you.

[saturnfell]

Norajane,

 

You're right, again. Your insight is wonderful. Thank you!

 

I just need to focus. Ill keep reading you posts. Time, patience, time, patienc

[patrik]

Hi Saturnfell

 

I'm usually a lurker but reading your post I couldnt help but sign up to reply to your post. As I am in the exact same situation as you. Make a long story short its been 4 months since we broke up and it's only now that we are talking again and hanging out. I've read a lot of advice on LS and it seems like nc is what everybody suggest. but i think every situation is different and only YOU know whats best for yourself. I am too waiting patiently for those magically words. I've told her prertty much how i feel and that i'm willing to put in th effort to work through this but with out being a doormat the rest is up to her. I think there is only so much you can say to get the point across after that it just becomes despret and you are only going to push them or pressure them away. She was the one that started contacting me and asking to hang out. I've been out with her twice this week and liek yourself everything went great conversation went smoothly but never once did she bring up the topic. I keep asking myslef why is she doing this? and my only reasoning is she does want to give me a second chance but she wants the reassurance that i will be there for her and wont go to my old ways. The only advice I can give you is if you love him enough and you know in your heart that he does as well than maybe just be patient. I've choosen to be patient and let things progress from there.. If thign sdont turn out as you plan yes you will get hurt even more but i guarentee you will come out a better person for yourslef and for the next person you decide to love... please keep in touch on how things turn out cause i'm in the same boat.

[saturnfell]

Hi Saturnfell

 

I'm usually a lurker but reading your post I couldnt help but sign up to reply to your post. As I am in the exact same situation as you. Make a long story short its been 4 months since we broke up and it's only now that we are talking again and hanging out. I've read a lot of advice on LS and it seems like nc is what everybody suggest. but i think every situation is different and only YOU know whats best for yourself. I am too waiting patiently for those magically words. I've told her prertty much how i feel and that i'm willing to put in th effort to work through this but with out being a doormat the rest is up to her. I think there is only so much you can say to get the point across after that it just becomes despret and you are only going to push them or pressure them away. She was the one that started contacting me and asking to hang out. I've been out with her twice this week and liek yourself everything went great conversation went smoothly but never once did she bring up the topic. I keep asking myslef why is she doing this? and my only reasoning is she does want to give me a second chance but she wants the reassurance that i will be there for her and wont go to my old ways. The only advice I can give you is if you love him enough and you know in your heart that he does as well than maybe just be patient. I've choosen to be patient and let things progress from there.. If thign sdont turn out as you plan yes you will get hurt even more but i guarentee you will come out a better person for yourslef and for the next person you decide to love... please keep in touch on how things turn out cause i'm in the same boat.

 

Hi Patrik,

 

Thank you for responding. Everything you say is true. I understand patience is very important, and I am trying my best to be understanding and show the best of everything when I'm around him. I do believe in my heart that this is worth every inch of my being. Like you, I have also told him how I feel. You're right, we will put in the effort and through time we'll know.

 

So, the two of you have been spending time together? How are you handling the situation? I know you mentioned a few things above, but... anything else?

[patrik]

Hi Patrik,

 

Thank you for responding. Everything you say is true. I understand patience is very important, and I am trying my best to be understanding and show the best of everything when I'm around him. I do believe in my heart that this is worth every inch of my being. Like you, I have also told him how I feel. You're right, we will put in the effort and through time we'll know.

 

So, the two of you have been spending time together? How are you handling the situation? I know you mentioned a few things above, but... anything else?

 

 

It was only after new yesrs that we have started spending time together so the siuation is still new with me. I've tried convincing myself a few times that maybe it's best we not see eachother so I kept making excuses that I was busy but really deep down inside this was all I wanted. She kept persisitng and I finally agreed. Usually when we are together I am fine and i try my best to reassure her through my actions that I am ok with this and willign to wait with out actually coming out and saying it.

 

your ex like mine is very closed and not willing to open up but if you know your ex very well you will pick up on a lot of things just from talking with them that will give you the reassurance you need to know this is worth fighting for. My ex would never call me by my name but "babe" when we were together and jsut the other day she accidently called me babe wihile we were talking which put a big grin on my face lol.

 

It's only tough when I'm alone and over think the situation. In terms of a timeline of how long you can wait I think only you will know that. Maybe this whole experince will see if your love for eachother will stand the test of time.

[saturnfell]

Its nice to hear from you. Please let me know how your situation is going. I wish you the best of luck. I hope we both have happy endings.