aaron12 Posted January 5, 2009 Share Posted January 5, 2009 My girlfriend has a tendency to flirt with every guy she talks to! Whenever we are out she does it in front of me when men approach her. Am I right in feeling angry or is this just harmless fun ? Link to post Share on other sites
atwitsend Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 You are absolutely justified in being angry. If you want a suggestion. Ask her (in person) really calmly "where do you see our relationship going. You know what do you see in our future?" This baits her into opening up and discussing her hopes and aspirations. If she comes out with plans for carrying the relationship further. You simply say, real nonchalant. Oh, I don't see that for us at all. Then she will ask you, why? what do you see. You tell her real calmly. well, you like to flirt with every guy you see even in front of me. This tells me one of two things. "Either you are sadistic and like seeing me angry and hurt. Or by your example you will undoubtedly cheat. again causing me anger and hurt. Yeah I don't see us getting serious based on that." If she is expecting more one day, you will blow her completely apart with this comment. And it will most definitely effect her behavior. If she says " I'm just looking to have fun". She is obviously not a serious prospect. Dump her, she'll cheat for sure. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 Probably depends on your desires for the relationship. It would likely bother most men. Why are men approaching her while she's with you? Most of the Aussie guys I've met in my travels down there are really respectful of their mate's GF's and wives. Hmm... How old are you and she? Link to post Share on other sites
Author aaron12 Posted January 6, 2009 Author Share Posted January 6, 2009 They approach her in the clubs and bars when I am getting her drinks or having a chat with my mates. We are both 20. We have been together for 1 year. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 Does she only flirt with men who approach her? How is she around men away from the clubs and bars? Say, if you're out shopping in the CBD....do you catch her flirting with men on the street? Does alcohol tend to exaggerate this flirting? Does she drink a fair amount? Link to post Share on other sites
Author aaron12 Posted January 6, 2009 Author Share Posted January 6, 2009 No,she flirts when they flirt usually. Yeah, she does drink and flirts even more outrageously when drunk. And she has these guy "friends", and flirts with them as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 How would she feel if the roles were reversed? The bottom line is that this is sending a clear message to other men that she has little respect for you. I guarantee you that other men pick up on her flirting and she is sending a message to them that you simply are not that important to her. Why in the world would you tolerate such disrespectful behavior? When you go to the bathroom or are getting drinks; why dosen't she say to those guys hitting on her then she is with her boyfriend. Flirting with these guys again sends a clear message. Accepting this behavior from her is also sending a message to her that you are not worthy of respect from her. If you do not respect yourself then who will? She sounds very immature. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 I'll assume you find her attractive. Does she have insecurities about her appearance? To your knowledge, did she have significant unhealthy issues in her childhood? Things which might cause emotional trauma? It's quite normal for young people to validate their attractiveness with the opposite sex. Actually, it's the same for us old people . The life experience is learning how, when and where and the mechanisms for respecting the person with whom they have a committed relationship. Is this the lady you posted about in Dec 2007, or someone else? Link to post Share on other sites
Author aaron12 Posted January 6, 2009 Author Share Posted January 6, 2009 No,it is not the same girl. I never had the confidence to get her number. Yes, I find gf attractive. I don't think she had any problems as such but says she used to be a loner when she was in school. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 I agree with BryanP about your GF's maturity level. It may simply be a function of lack of experience and/or guidance. That said, where do we go from here? How does she respond when you talk about relationship issues? Your desires, concerns, perspectives, etc? Do you live separately? Are you attending uni? Link to post Share on other sites
Author aaron12 Posted January 6, 2009 Author Share Posted January 6, 2009 She calls it harmless fun. We are at the same uni. Yes we live separately. She has only had 1 relationship before. Link to post Share on other sites
confuseddd Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 I HATE that line..."harmless fun"...you mean, causing me pain and embarrassment is harmless fun? EXCUSE ME? Listen, take it from me, I MARRIED a man who did/does this to me constantly...I have allowed it to erode my self confidence and it has caused me deep bitterness that I have allowed to go on and on...(I am a TERRIBLE decision maker). I have such anger issues at him now because of it, even to the point that we have considered a divorce. You need to seriously talk to her and tell her that her "harmless fun" is hurtful to you. Also, this is immature, but it usually got my hubby's attention: flirt yourself. I can't tell you how many times this worked for me. However, it was not my true nature and my true self. I would have to MAKE myself do it. I guess because I am a woman (fairly attractive) and men have always flirted with me. I personally feel that people flirt to get validation. THat's how I see it. You can't change my mind any other way. I don't flirt outrageously because I am SURE of myself. I don't need to throw myself at anyone to feel like I am worthy. People who flirt constantly need that validation. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 So, she's OK with you having some harmless fun with other young ladies? Worth the question IMO. Link to post Share on other sites
Author aaron12 Posted January 6, 2009 Author Share Posted January 6, 2009 she says yes but she won't be thrilled actually imo. Link to post Share on other sites
Artu Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 Aaron12,all suggestion is to talk to her and to explain how much it bothers you . There is no harm ,there is no shame and there is nothing bad in expressing your willing . You do not want her to flirt with other guys ? Then tell her so . And you will understand from her reactions how serious your relationship is for her . Link to post Share on other sites
mental_traveller Posted January 8, 2009 Share Posted January 8, 2009 Dump her sorry ass. Link to post Share on other sites
Charles1978 Posted January 8, 2009 Share Posted January 8, 2009 Obviously you have an attractive girlfriend who gets attention. And chances are, as I'm sure you know, she is a friendly person. This is the way it goes when you date an attractive girl. Personally, I always ignored it. Bottom line is that she is with you. Guys will be guys and try to talk to your g/f. Just remember... you'll always have the last laugh. I'd relax about it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author aaron12 Posted January 8, 2009 Author Share Posted January 8, 2009 ^^I try to ignore it but sometimes she goes overboard! Link to post Share on other sites
atwitsend Posted January 8, 2009 Share Posted January 8, 2009 As I see the situation. She has to be made to see what her actions cost her in real terms (the reason for my initial post). Often, people will not change behaviors unless it costs something. Or if they are compassionate and can see what this is doing to their loved one. I think the previous characteristic best describes your girlfriend. JMHO Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted January 8, 2009 Share Posted January 8, 2009 My girlfriend has a tendency to flirt with every guy she talks to! Whenever we are out she does it in front of me when men approach her. Am I right in feeling angry or is this just harmless fun ? Flirting is rarely harmless. If she can act like she is interested in a guy in front of you, just imagine what she does when not with you. I have never met an overly flirty woman that is a faithful woman yet. Now if its just a matter of being nice to the guys, then thats one thing. If its all smile overkill, batting the eyes, and the putting her hand on his arm thing or touching while talking to them, then I'd look for a different gf. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted January 8, 2009 Share Posted January 8, 2009 She calls it harmless fun. We are at the same uni. Yes we live separately. She has only had 1 relationship before. so she admits to flirting with other guys and calls it fun. Tell me, do you think she would flirt with men she isn't attracted to? this isn't harmless fun. Get rid of her before she acts on her desires. Link to post Share on other sites
LovieDove24 Posted January 8, 2009 Share Posted January 8, 2009 Well I'll give a different opinion on this matter... I am like your girlfriend and enjoy flirting even when I'm out at the bar with a bf, and I always will. Its part of who I am and its not going to change. It IS important to draw the line though so no one feel's like their being left a fool. First and foremost there is NO touching allowed, just smiling, eye contact, laughing and good conversation. If he wants to buy me a drink? Sure! Why the hell not! (Buy my cute girl friend over there one too!) If he asks for my number, no way. I also make it a point to "check in" with the bf periodically and give him a smooch so he knows he's my #1. I have had bf's in the past who were overly restrictive on this and I felt smothered. They are welcome to do the same as well. I think flirting is a great confidence booster and why the hell not? Its fun! Obviously, my guys gotta be on the same page as this or its not gonna work. Link to post Share on other sites
Untouchable_Fire Posted January 8, 2009 Share Posted January 8, 2009 I am like your girlfriend and enjoy flirting even when I'm out at the bar with a bf, and I always will. Its part of who I am and its not going to change. It IS important to draw the line though so no one feel's like their being left a fool. First and foremost there is NO touching allowed, just smiling, eye contact, laughing and good conversation. If he wants to buy me a drink? Sure! Why the hell not! (Buy my cute girl friend over there one too!) If he asks for my number, no way. I also make it a point to "check in" with the bf periodically and give him a smooch so he knows he's my #1. Your not thinking this through. By consistently choosing to flirt with other men you are essentially saying that your BF's attention is not enough for you. It devalues him... whether he sees it this way or not. When you accept drinks from other men, not only are you leading them on, it also shows deep disrespect for your current relationship. It sends a signal to everyone in the room that your not serious about your BF. Why do you need attention from so many different men? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 8, 2009 Share Posted January 8, 2009 I have had bf's in the past who were overly restrictive on this and I felt smothered. They are welcome to do the same as well A balanced perspective. Find (perhaps you have found) a man who thinks likewise and it can be quite healthy. FWIW, my wife and I often did this at parties and concerts...split up and enjoy the company of others (of both sexes). We just saw/see it as being friendly and it certainly widened our circle of friends, since people gravitate towards those with similar personalities/interests, etc and we're quite different in those regards. I never thought of it as "flirting" since there was no sexual content, rather just being friendly. I get the sense that your perspective is similar. That said, it appears others may percieve it differently, so that bears scrutiny, just as we're hearing from the OP. OP, how much have you talked about this issue with your GF? A poster mentioned "cost". Do you think your GF's behavior should cost her something to change it? What? I mentioned equality, to which you responded she'd be OK but not necessarily like it. Could you convey your feelings to her and have them be validated, or does she defer and defend? Link to post Share on other sites
confuseddd Posted January 10, 2009 Share Posted January 10, 2009 I'll say it again: It is that validation that they need, the insatiable need for attention and to feel attractive...I would *never* accept a drink from another man (see Alainasmama) at a bar with hubby or boyfriend there. That is ridiculous. The man who bought it for her probably was not aware that her boyfriend was even there. This girl wants her cake and eat it to. Some people are just like that...I really think that it is immaturity. No offense to Alainasmama, just what I think! Men flirt with me, but I never go out of my way with it. MAybe that is the difference, I guess they come to me (flirt), I don't have to go out and seek it. Jmo of course. Link to post Share on other sites
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