What is fair? I don't want to put my new boyfriend through any more drama

[Guest]

It's a pretty long story, but basically it boils down to this. I've been living with a guy, who I've had a rocky relationship with. Mainly because of his problem with drinking. He drinks, becomes someone else, and we finally decided that it was over during our last break up. Well....so I'd thought.

 

He'd sobered up, after binge drinking about a week, and decided that I was worth changing his life and fighting for. Well, in the meantime, during the time we were apart, I met someone who really means a lot to me. He's been trying to get back together, although we agreed to live apart still, and I'd been having a hard time deciding who to be with...the new guy, or the one who I know and loved so well. Well, basically, he wouldn't leave the house because he missed spending time with me so much, and wanted to spend time with both of us, if that's what it took. It became difficult on him, and hurt him, because I was kinda wishy washy about both of the guys.

 

Anyway, after promising me he'd be cool, he drank too much one night, and got really horrible, and tried to break the two of us up. He's still at the house now, won't leave, and it's making things really difficult and uncomfortable. THe place is in my name, and we will be moving out by the weekend. I realize he's a toxic person, and he's decided to give up on having me back, because he sees how happy this new guy makes me, and "hung it up" so to speak.

 

This is where it gets even worse. Because he and I had decided that we were great friends, I told him I'd keep his things in my storage facility, in exchange for a piece of furniture. Now that he's acting like this, it's making me not want anything to do with him period. The problem is, he has no job, he's moving in with a friend, and basically has no where to go, or put his things.

 

When he doesn't drink he's great. However, I don't want to put my new boyfriend through any more drama. And at this point, I think that I may keep the new guy for a long time. He's a blessing to me. My question is....with only 2 days before I have to be out of my new place, should I keep his things in my storage facility, and be the bigger person? Or, should I let him learn a lesson about how you treat others? I realize that our relationship in it's entirity has pretty much been hurt done to me, but after dating this new guy, and being wishy washy with the ex, that I've really hurt him.

 

I feel really bad, and I just want out of the situation period. But, I don't know what's fair, or what to do. I would call the police and have him removed, but if I did that, he'd probably end up in jail. I care about this person, I guess because there are so few people that do. And at one point, I was really in love with him. Just not anymore. I'm very hurt, stressed and confused. PLEASE HELP ME

[aquaria127]

Hi

Your post was from yesterday, so I assume you have one day left on your lease. Be the bigger person by packing up your things like you were expecting to move. It gives him the opportunity to leave.

 

Don't make excuses. I know you say you love and know him. The question is whether you are being fair to yourself, not whether you are being fair to him. If you can answer that question you can act with a clear consience. Perhaps you have considered the options. You could put your things in your storage instead of letting him do so. If he refuses to leave you could have your landlord have him removed as the lease expires, you don't have to be there. You could have your landlord extend your lease and not tell your ex, and call up a girlfriend who also needs a place. You could find a totally different place and not tell your ex. You could find a single somewhere. You last encounter with him would be when he needs the key to the storage to get his things out, should you agree to take the deal for a piece of furniture, and that could be arranged so you wouldn't have to see him.

 

Lending out your storage facility (presumably for free since he doesn't have a job) isn't being the "bigger person." Not doing so isn't "teaching him a lesson." Addiction is a disease that changes otherwise great people into monsters. If he truly wants to stop drinking, it won't be for you, his mom, his buddies, your new boyfriend, his new job, it will be for himself.

 

Also, I don't think it's so wise to get into a new relationship so soon. After all the hurt you say your current partner has dealt you, I understand the desire to be with someone new, who is different and doesn't treat you badly. It may be difficult- but dating, messing around with other guys or continuing contact with your ex is not what you need. You need to fly solo for awhile. If your new boyfriend is really worth it, he will be ready to be with you when you decide you are ready. take it from someone who was with a toxic partner. Best wishes.

[moimeme]

should I keep his things in my storage facility, and be the bigger person

 

You understand that he is a troubled human and that his addiction renders him a less-than-pleasant individual. You have some regard and empathy for him still. You will feel better if you do him this favour. Give him a time limit, though. Say you'll keep his stuff for X months and then it will have to go.