Never thought I'd be cheated on!

[lululucy]

A month or so ago, I found a text on my boyfriend's phone saying something along the lines of "I can't wait to see you at hockey tonight". It was under the last name of one of his friends but I knew it wasn't a guy so I asked him.. eventually it comes out that it's some girl that has a huge crush on him.

 

Long story short (it's a long, drawn out story let me tell you) -- he told me on New Years that she had given him a blowjob around the time I found the text. He has amended this as of today to confessing to sleeping with her. I'm so blindsided by this that I don't even know if it's sunk in -- I always trusted him implicitly and this is so uncharacteristic of him. He says it was because I was so stressed with school and stuff that we hadn't had sex in a while (whenever I tried to initiate I was, of course, denied, so eventually I gave up, I will admit that). I don't think there's any excuse for it.

 

Thing is, when I thought it was just a blowjob, I flipped out and I was crying for days, so upset that I made myself sick numerous times. Now that I know the whole story.. I just feel empty. I've always surpressed my emotions and I think that's coming back now but I don't feel anything. I logically know I should feel betrayed and hurt and yes, if I visualise it I do start crying but all I feel is emptiness.

 

I'm going to go to a therapist this week and he's going to start coming with me starting next week. I haven't decided if I'm going to break up with him or not so I kind of want to talk it out with a third party first and see if our relationship is salvagable.

 

I'm just curious what anyone's opinions are on this? I don't know if it's normal to be so checked out emotionally. I am being very careful to keep the wine bottles away (that was the first thing I reached for). I'd appreciate any advice.

[norajane]

He says it was because I was so stressed with school and stuff that we hadn't had sex in a while (whenever I tried to initiate I was, of course, denied, so eventually I gave up, I will admit that).

What a charmer he is...not. He actually had the balls to blame YOU for HIS cheating?

 

I'm sorry, but he's not worth forgiving. Had he expressed one little bit of remorse, regret, shame, or compassion for you, maybe. Instead, he BLAMED you for what he did.

 

The only thing wrong with you is that you are even THINKING about staying with him.

 

As to the numbness, you wore yourself out the first time with just the bj information. That's why you can't feel anything more right now. But, as soon as the numbness wears off, I'm afraid you'll be upset all over again as the full extent of his cheating on you sinks in.

 

Stop wasting your time on him. Dump him now, commence with the healing, and don't look back.

[lululucy]

I kind of maybe left out too much -- he was really sorry, said he had been eaten up with guilt and couldn't stand lying to me anymore so he had to tell me. He sat with me while I cried the last time, hugging me and he really does seem genuinely sorry. If I didn't believe him, there would have been absolutely no chance I would've stuck around. I also do believe that this girl would have been coming on to him very hard because she is quite the slut -- it's obviously not an excuse but it's the other side of the story I guess.

[norajane]

He still BLAMED you for his cheating.

 

And it doesn't matter if she were a slut. She wasn't the one cheating on you. HE was. So, he's both a cheater and a slut who can't resist someone coming on to him...except you, of course, since he would turn you down when you initiated.

[haley121]

The only reason you should even CONSIDER trying to salvage the relationship is if he admits he was 100% wrong and says that you did nothing, absolutely NOTHING to deserve his cheating. He also needs to promise to put a million percent into the relationship and never keep a single thing from you EVER again.

 

Even if he does these things, and you decide to work it out, be warned that it's going to be extremely difficult. It's possible, but you're most likely going to go through a heck of a lot of emotional turmoil and trust building. It could take a very long time for you not to worry about his faithfulness.

 

One of my good friends was cheated on by her bf very early on in their relationship. Four years later they were engaged but it still caused tension between them sometimes. They're married now and very happy, so it's possible to get through this, but it isn't something to take lightly. Counseling seems like a smart idea though.

 

Anyway, feel better... that's a sucky thing to go through. Make sure you have some friends/family members as a support system.

[luverly]

He's the one that cheated. There's really no excuse for it...he feels really bad...that's convenient now.

 

Did he feel so bad that he stopped flirting back when it all started?

Did he feel so bad that he stopped kissing her?

Did he feel so bad when he was undressing her?

How about when they were naked in the moment?

 

I couldn't forgive him and I don't think you should, but it's your decision. I've ignored red flags too and then they came up and bit my on the a**.

[Me13]

Sorry to hear about this. Same thing sort of happened to me just a while ago. I was in a 4 1/2 year relationship with somebody who began breaking up with me, then getting back together with me, and doing it all over again. Mainly, the reason he gave was because *I* was the one who needed to relocate for a job and made him do LD. Anyway, I have eventually found out that he met a girl during one of our first short "off" periods (and by short, I mean like a few days) who he has stayed with ever since - even though we've been very much back on. Every day is like I find out something new - they've been going on vacations together, and apparently his love for her has grown so much that I have been completely forced out of his life.

 

Because of this I now feel that "empty" feeling you described... I've been incredibly sad (missing him, trying to excuse his behaviour, etc), then incredibly angry (not believing such an a** could do this to me) and now I just feel totally blank. Like I will never be able to have a relationship again.

 

My ex has been contacting me on and off for the last few weeks. Obviously he still has blatant feelings for me, but I can tell you, if you want to make this easier on yourself, DO NOT have contact with him. Just don't. It makes things so much harder to deal with, so much harder to move on. It's a mistake I made and I wish I had just told him off and never saw him again.

 

Hopefully the feelings get better... but right now, I don't know...

[undecide]

I'm going through a problem with my relationship where my boyfriend only

emotionally cheated on me, and I'm having problems dealing with that, whether to stay with him or not. But in your case, he full-blown cheated on you!

 

Of course he's sorry, would anyone with half a heart NOT be sorry that they did that? This is only my opinion, but if it were me, I would say to get away from this guy. He could have even given you an STD! You deserve someone who won't do this to you, just like you wouldn't do it to them.