confuseddd Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 OK, been doing some reading and self exploration, etc....found it said over and over and over that men and women cheat due to boredom in a marriage. The mini van,the kids, laundry, mortgage, etc are to blame for taking over and a partner seeks outside the marriage to relieve BOREDOM. BOREDOM???? COME ON PEOPLE? DOES THIS SEEM SHALLOW TO ANYONE? Let's have some open, honest discussion about this. Please, no bashing anyone for what they say...let's be brutally honest....either from your perspective or better yet, your experiences. Just no fighting or name calling. I've gotta tell ya folks....it is most discouraging...so why get married? Why make that pledge if men or women are going to cheat because they get bored. That is so sad to me.... Link to post Share on other sites
You'reasian Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 Each partner is responsible for keeping the relationship alive. You've got to suprise each other from time to time, and be very, very naughty to each other..... I think I've come up with a few decent ways of keeping things interesting. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 Where did you source your information from? You'll find cheaters can't even be honest with themselves, nvm being honest in any survey! Link to post Share on other sites
Blackfrost Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 This is just based on my personal experience of listening to the whining of married men I work with: that cheat. Regardless of how much anyone likes these answers or not, they tend to be pretty common reasons in the well educated, upper income bracket people I work with. It appears that married men often tire of the sex the same way with the same partner, year after year, and instead of disrupt the family, or ask the wife to try something new for the 100th time and get rejected, they'll go outside it for what's (in their minds) lacking. Additionally, many guys just get tired of the drama (I personally would never marry someone like this to begin with - so it boggles my mind that this goes on) of having sex used against them as a reward or punishment for not doing everything they are told to do by their wives. I'm shocked, as I get older, to learn about how many men are just bitter in general towards women - bordering on misogyny - and have learned to just tolerate and compartmentalize their wives with a smile. Alot of this (seems like it's almost always the answer) is based around the fear of losing more then half of everything they have, if they would just divorce and go find someone that suits them better. Some of these guys are just down right scary in their disgust of women in general. There's alot of emotionally scarred people in this world. <ducks behind the wall> Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 I have no doubt boredom is a major reason people cheat. It would also explain how marriages manage to survive through it - because a good deal of people who cheat are simply bored, not necessarily unhappy and wanting a divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 people cheat because they feel like it, and it's easier than the effort required to remain committed and faithful. Link to post Share on other sites
sally4sara Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 This is just based on my personal experience of listening to the whining of married men I work with: that cheat. Regardless of how much anyone likes these answers or not, they tend to be pretty common reasons in the well educated, upper income bracket people I work with. It appears that married men often tire of the sex the same way with the same partner, year after year, and instead of disrupt the family, or ask the wife to try something new for the 100th time and get rejected, they'll go outside it for what's (in their minds) lacking. Additionally, many guys just get tired of the drama (I personally would never marry someone like this to begin with - so it boggles my mind that this goes on) of having sex used against them as a reward or punishment for not doing everything they are told to do by their wives. I'm shocked, as I get older, to learn about how many men are just bitter in general towards women - bordering on misogyny - and have learned to just tolerate and compartmentalize their wives with a smile. Alot of this (seems like it's almost always the answer) is based around the fear of losing more then half of everything they have, if they would just divorce and go find someone that suits them better. Some of these guys are just down right scary in their disgust of women in general. There's alot of emotionally scarred people in this world. <ducks behind the wall> I agree that using sex as a reward/punishment is wrong. I can tell you what I've heard from some women about why they reject their husbands and I can't say as I blame them when it gets to this point: "He just lays there and wants the standard BJ and me on top. Then its over in 5 - 10 minutes." "I'm tired of him only wanting a bj and not caring enough to shower first. A bj does noting for me and is down right off putting when I can smell his a$$ the whole time! Let alone that I have to hold his gut up just to get there to begin with!" "I'm suppose to get turned on by a quick grope of the boob? Maybe that works for the porno girls he watches all the time, but not me." The ones who don't complain about having sex, complain about not getting sex. I figure they're better off - at least they're still wanting it from their husbands! I have never met one who admitted to not having sex because the husband didn't mow the yard properly or they forgot to pick up milk. Maybe you've heard some woman admit this, but I think it takes a bit more than that. I believe bitter guys who border on misogyny were misogynistic to begin with and contributed to the angst in their marriage by being so. Link to post Share on other sites
LavendarGirl Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 <ducks behind the wall> Don't duck behind the wall Blackfrost, I think your assessment is pretty accurate! Also, couples sometimes fall into that wife vs husband mindset that you see so common on Sitcoms. The power play is just plain bad for a couple. Why this dynamic, since the being together and supporting each other was what brought the two together in the first place? Resentments stew, which is never good. I've heard friends say things like, "if H doesn't agree to _______, then he's not getting any tonight!" Like sex is traded as a commodity. --LG. Link to post Share on other sites
Myusername Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 Don't duck behind the wall Blackfrost, I think your assessment is pretty accurate! I agree with this. I think many people cheat for many reasons. Boredom No sex at home No love at home and 10,000 other reasons. SEX is not the only reason people cheat, but i would venture to guess boredom is a big one. I dont think it is exclusive. Boredom probably comes along with being apathetic about either the relationship or life, or their job. Boredom can come from wanting and chasing your youth or old life, or any number of reasons. Sex, year after year with the same person..for 10 or 20 years...can get boring I would think. I do not know. Yet there are couples who are very happy or somewhat happy with sex, their commitment and their marriage. It's easier to cheat than face the relationship problems I guess. It's easier to fill a void without having to fess up to what is missing. It's easier to cheat than to leave It's easier to cheat than to get counseling and look at self. ALL of these are hypothesis. I am not married and did not cheat on a partner..but i wonder day after day how marriages can work. I have friends who have a wonderful, loving and fun marriage and really enjoy one another. They seem like one of the few I know who are happy. The other couple I know just got married and are on their second or third marriage and are madly in love, but it is brand new. If two people dont grow together and individually, share some goals of values or want some of the same things, it would be hard. Some couple either the husband or wife changes drastically, weight, interests, attitude, hobbies. It can alter the dynamics. Do I think that men can truly enjoy sex with the same person for 40 years...hmmm...let me pause another ten hours and then get back to this. Do I think women can enjoy sex with the same person for 40 years...hmmm....i would pause there too. I am not implying it is not possible, at all. I am saying that I believe in any successful marriage BOTH parties must continue to work hard on themselves and their relationship to endure long standing love. happy love But what the hell do I know...lol MUN Link to post Share on other sites
Mio Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 I'm not even sure what the term "boredom" means in this context. It seems to trivialise why affairs occur e.g. "I got tired of my husband last week and decided to screw my co-worker". Is that really how it is? I just can't accept that. Maybe this is the result of some kind of self-quiz survey or something. I went looking for other infidelity statistics and couldn't find backup for it. As one website put it: "The initial decision to be unfaithful is rarely ever a rational choice; instead infidelity is usually driven by circumstances and one's emotions. In fact, most people are surprised by their own behavior at the start of an affair" Source: http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/quizzes/public/infidelity_statistics.html There's even more discussion of this idea here: http://www.truthaboutdeception.com/infidelity_and_cheating/public/infidelity_and_emotions.html My own experience, personally and of other couples, is that infidelity is not a momentary decision. It's an escalation, usually unwitting, arising out of unsatisfactory conditions at home and lack of communication about them. I also want to mention my furious agreement with those who spoke above about misogyny. I even identified some of this in myself via counselling. I think it's hard for people to know what really drives them in the end. It takes a lot of life experience and lot of introspection to become even half-conscious of our own motives, let alone those of others. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 I agree with the boredom assessment for SOME affairs, not all by a landslide. Boredom isn't as shallow as it sounds, and it amazes me that some of the responders here are so self-righteous in their assertion that they would never get bored in a marriage. Bent implied that she got bored, but said she didn't cheat. I agree with that. Boredom isn't a good reason for cheating, but it happens that way sometimes. Women get tired of the same tired, lame sex with the same tired not willing to try anything other than if it was his idea man too. Women get tired of washing the dishes and cleaning the kids noses as if that's all they are alive to do too. Wives still like to be swept off of their feet by the man that they married. They like to be reminded that they are desired and desireable - hence SOME cheaters cheat out of boredom. But its not really boredom. Its more like tired of being taken for granted and not treated like a priority. Its more like they felt invisible to their spouses and wanted to feel alive again. But all this falls under boredom to the researchers and who am I to disagree with them, right? Link to post Share on other sites
Mio Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 Boredom isn't as shallow as it sounds' date=' and it amazes me that some of the responders here are so self-righteous in their assertion that they would [i']never[/i] get bored in a marriage. Did anyone in this thread say that? I can't see it. Link to post Share on other sites
gettingoverit719 Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 I do not agree with the bordem thing. I think the reason why men and women cheat is lack of communication. If a person is bored in their marriage, they should speak up. Most of the time the other spouse doesn't know your bored. If you don't communicate your feeling to your spouse they can't do anything to help. I would have given anything for my husband to say " hey I'm bored" or " i feel lonely". That would have been a million times better then having to know he slept with someone else. I could have done something to make things a little less boring. I can't do anything to change that fact that he cheated. So for anyone who is "bored" try speaking up to your spouse. Believe me the bordom stops when they find out! My husband hasn't been "bored" for the last 15 months since his affair. If hurting the person you have made your life with is your way of getting over bordom, move on. Think about that persons feelings before your own. It's not worth it. COMMUNICATE Link to post Share on other sites
nittygritty Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 "Boredom" isn't a reason, it's an attempt to try to justify an unacceptable behavior by the people the data was collected from. A reason would be having a weak ego and/or character defect or a broken moral compass. Link to post Share on other sites
ella23 Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 Boredom? That's the worst excuse I've heard for cheating. Link to post Share on other sites
taylor Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 If you want to put a common denominator on why people cheat I would say it's LOW SELF-ESTEEM, not boredom. Consider these scenarios: The man whose wife is no longer interested in sex. He questions his masculinity every time he is rejected...lowers his self-esteem. He cheats. Feels confident as a man again. The woman whose husband would rather hold the remote control than her. She questions her desireability as a woman...lowers her self-esteem. she cheats. Feels confident as a woman again. The man who feels neglected because his wife devotes 24/7 to the kids with no time left for him. He feels unappreciated, like he doesn't matter..lowers his self-esteem. He cheats with someone who can't get enough of him. He feels valued again. The mother who spends 24/7 with screaming kids, cooking and cleaning...going until she is exhausted..no time to herself...loses her identity in her children and her chores...lowers her self-esteem. She meets someone who sees her only as a woman..a desireable woman. She cheats because for the first time in a long time she feels alive again. The middle aged man or woman who is dissatisfied with the choices they made in their lives...dissatisfied with the life they are living and dissatisfied with who they have become...lowers self-esteem. They cheat because that other person makes them feel like they are not failures or losers. The man or woman in mid-life crisis counting wrinkles and grey hairs feeling like they are losing their value or their place in the world..lowers self esteem. They cheat with someone younger who makes them feel like they still have value. How about women who no longer feel useful after the kids are grown? How about men who lose their jobs and can't find viable employment for an extended period of time? How about spouses whose SO have cheated on them? It all comes down to lowered self-esteem and the desire to feel good about yourself again. Link to post Share on other sites
a4a Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 Yes Taylor agree. You are with a person because of the way they make you feel. This applies to friends as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 You should be with a person because of the way You make YOU feel. Don't offload your emotions onto someone else. Your happoiness doesn't depend on another person. It depends on you. So does your sadness, believe it or not. Mnay may disagree, but it's true. Link to post Share on other sites
LovieDove24 Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 Taylor I agree with you as to why people cheat. They are not happy with THEIR life and instead of looking within (which would be the difficult thing to do) they try and find happiness elsewhere (easy). No matter if you're "with" someone or not, yes YOU are ALWAYS going to be responsible for YOUR happiness. No one else can do that for you. Not your wife, not your mistress, not your boss. Just you. Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 Taylor I agree with you as to why people cheat. They are not happy with THEIR life and instead of looking within (which would be the difficult thing to do) they try and find happiness elsewhere (easy). No matter if you're "with" someone or not, yes YOU are ALWAYS going to be responsible for YOUR happiness. No one else can do that for you. Not your wife, not your mistress, not your boss. Just you. Yup, I believe I just said that............ Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 Boredom? That's the worst excuse I've heard for cheating. Nobody said it was an excuse, it's an explanation. Link to post Share on other sites
Mio Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 You should be with a person because of the way You make YOU feel. Don't offload your emotions onto someone else. Your happoiness doesn't depend on another person. It depends on you. So does your sadness, believe it or not. Mnay may disagree, but it's true. I can't believe I'm agreeing with Geishawhelk. People seem to do this by default i.e. they mistake where they derive their emotions from. It all comes from inside. No-one "makes us feel". Link to post Share on other sites
taylor Posted January 8, 2009 Share Posted January 8, 2009 I can't believe I'm agreeing with Geishawhelk. People seem to do this by default i.e. they mistake where they derive their emotions from. It all comes from inside. No-one "makes us feel". Sorry, but I don't agree with this. People can and do have the power to make a person FEEL a certain way by the things they say and the things they do. People also have the power to affect a person's sense of self worth by the things they say or do. A parent who constantly criticizes, scolds, or resorts to name-calling or threats definitely impacts a child's feelings and sense of worth. A teacher who lauds a student for good work or good behavior can make a student feel good about himself and confident about his ability. A stranger who offers a kind word or gesture can make you feel good about yourself. A friend who lets you down in a time of need can make you feel bad...make you feel as if you are not worthy of their time or attention. I agree every person is responsible for their own happiness. It comes from inside. But people you come in contact with can and do have a profound ability to make you feel a certain way and that can, in turn, impact how you feel about yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
a4a Posted January 8, 2009 Share Posted January 8, 2009 You should be with a person because of the way You make YOU feel. Don't offload your emotions onto someone else. Your happoiness doesn't depend on another person. It depends on you. So does your sadness, believe it or not. Mnay may disagree, but it's true. I would have to disagree with this in part. Hazing and such should not be an issue if this were the case. In theory it sounds great but in reality Taylor has hit the nail on the head. It would also seem that people who don't care or react to how others may treat them or be affected by the treatment of others (bad or good) may lack empathy themselves or have a streak of narcissism. Love is a selfish thing. Even in unhappy relationships a pay off is there in some way shape or form. Link to post Share on other sites
Saville Posted January 8, 2009 Share Posted January 8, 2009 Originally Posted by Geishawhelk You should be with a person because of the way You make YOU feel. Don't offload your emotions onto someone else. Your happoiness doesn't depend on another person. It depends on you. Sounds like bull****. We should be with a person because of the way you feel about yourself? Fff, then you should be a hermit. Duh, that we should all have a feeling of self-worth, and be self-fulfilled, but how does that not depend, in no small measure, on others? We don't live in a vacuum. There wouldn't be works of art, music, or anything else nice if it weren't for people wanting to impress, and then share their talents. It is impossible to disentangle ourselves completely from the feelings of others and our feelings for them. Sometimes the route to heaven is through hell. It's just another route, just another way. So does your sadness, believe it or not. Mnay may disagree, but it's true. You have many wise words Geishawhelk, but the above is just your arrogance. Whatev, if it helps you get through your day. Saville Link to post Share on other sites
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