BOREDOM...#1 reason men/women cheat

[65tr6]

But this can be an arduous task for someone who has been made to believe they are worthless by the very person they love and trust the most..

taylor, let me ask you this. Were you this wise before you affair ? What you are saying is absolutely true but just does not work that way in real life where people with low self esteem go into major introspection or even think about (let alone afford one) IC. Rather take the easy way out.

[amerikajin]

I bet if soserious had some handsome 45 year old doting on her and loving her up...treating her like a real lady, she would change her depressing attitude in a matter of no time...and her self-esteem would soar. She would feel more alive than she has felt in years.

 

Thus is the stuff that affairs are born of.

 

But lucky for soserious, she's already gone the divorce route so every eligible bachelor is fair game for her.

 

I'm wondering if soserious feels lucky that she got a divorce, or if there's a part of her that wanted to maintain the stability that comes with a relationship and have a private, discreet fling on the side. Maintaining the two would be complex and burdensome over the long run, but if she had had an occasional f-buddy on the side during her marriage, I'm wondering if that would have been so wrong. A lot of women in Japan did that (or attempted to) while I was there. It would be difficult in Western society because we have to know what our spouses are doing and where they are 24 hours a day.

[soserious1]

I'm wondering if soserious feels lucky that she got a divorce, or if there's a part of her that wanted to maintain the stability that comes with a relationship and have a private, discreet fling on the side. Maintaining the two would be complex and burdensome over the long run, but if she had had an occasional f-buddy on the side during her marriage, I'm wondering if that would have been so wrong. A lot of women in Japan did that (or attempted to) while I was there. It would be difficult in Western society because we have to know what our spouses are doing and where they are 24 hours a day.

 

I don't feel "lucky" about any aspect of my marriage failing. I feel a lot of sadness and grief, mixed with a big wallop of shame,regret and anger.

 

As far as having lovers on the side, that from what I've seen only works for those rare couples who actually do love each and respect each other on some level.This wasn't the case in my marriage. My husband found me so repulsive, so ugly due to the physical changes associated with aging that he was unable to get and keep an erection in my presence. There's no way you can pretty up or sugarcoat that reality enough to stay married.

 

The thought of actually having to tell anybody in real life that my husband found me to be physically repulsive to the point that the sight of me nude made him run from the room retching is just something I cannot bring myself to do. My attorney knows there was a porn and craigslist problem, my co-workers figured that I was tired of being the only one footing the bills.

and my family assumed this is the case as well.

 

 

In real life I am a quiet, very private person, I look at what happened in my marriage with a lot of deep shame and the thought of actually talking about this stuff in real time seems akin to appearing on Jerry Springer or something.

[Trialbyfire]

The thought of actually having to tell anybody in real life that my husband found me to be physically repulsive to the point that the sight of me nude made him run from the room retching is just something I cannot bring myself to do. My attorney knows there was a porn and craigslist problem, my co-workers figured that I was tired of being the only one footing the bills.

and my family assumed this is the case as well.

 

 

In real life I am a quiet, very private person, I look at what happened in my marriage with a lot of deep shame and the thought of actually talking about this stuff in real time seems akin to appearing on Jerry Springer or something.

A secret can only hurt you if it's kept a secret. The more you talk about it, the more people can confirm that what he's saying, is pure drivel.

 

An abuser will manipulate reality to the point of insanity. The sad part about it, is that an abuser believes his own lies, thus is able to convince you that it's truth, because it's his truth.

 

Get it all out to people you trust but keep it out of the workplace. For that matter, let it out on LS. As taylor mentioned, IC is a good place to start.

 

There's no shame in any of this. How can you be ashamed of having abuse heaped onto you? The only shame, is that the separation/divorce, didn't happen years ago. A turd is a turd.

[soserious1]

A secret can only hurt you if it's kept a secret. The more you talk about it, the more people can confirm that what he's saying, is pure drivel.

 

An abuser will manipulate reality to the point of insanity. The sad part about it, is that an abuser believes his own lies, thus is able to convince you that it's truth, because it's his truth.

 

Get it all out to people you trust but keep it out of the workplace. For that matter, let it out on LS. As taylor mentioned, IC is a good place to start.

 

There's no shame in any of this. How can you be ashamed of having abuse heaped onto you? The only shame, is that the separation/divorce, didn't happen years ago. A turd is a turd.

 

The thing that I'm most ashamed of is the fact that I chose this person, freely married him, didn't protect myself with a prenup. I'm actually considered to be a frightfully bright,quick minded woman in some circles.

The fact that I choose a life mate so poorly is deeply shaming.

 

Talking here does help,it helps a lot, I just cannot imagine having to sit in front of a real,live actual person and tell them about the night that my husband literally ran from our bedroom to the bathroom to vomit, because he'd accidently caught a glimpse of me fully nude. Just typing those words makes me cringe and wince, I cannot imagine having to actually utter them to another living soul.

[Geishawhelk]

Why be ashamed of something like that?

In that case, look at every other individual who knows, AFTER THE FACTS - that the choice they made, sucked.

You are not the first to make a bad decision, and honey - guess what?

You won't be the last.

I made a bad decision that lasted 22 years.

And I knew it after 7 years.

 

As for your husband's actions, bathroom wise.

 

He's a piece of sh*1*te.

He's a scumball, a bag of crahap and not worth even thinking about.

 

For him to do something like that actually makes him sick in the head.

He's worthless, and a waste of space and good air.

 

Trust me when I tell you this - he's got it coming.

 

Maybe not now, maybe not this year, but something's going to come along and wipe the grin off his face.

At some point, he is going to fall so hard and so flat, he will wonder what hit him.

 

So make sure that by the time he does, you're skipping.

[Mio]

The thing that I'm most ashamed of is the fact that I chose this person, freely married him, didn't protect myself with a prenup. I'm actually considered to be a frightfully bright,quick minded woman in some circles.

The fact that I choose a life mate so poorly is deeply shaming.

 

Talking here does help,it helps a lot, I just cannot imagine having to sit in front of a real,live actual person and tell them about the night that my husband literally ran from our bedroom to the bathroom to vomit, because he'd accidently caught a glimpse of me fully nude. Just typing those words makes me cringe and wince, I cannot imagine having to actually utter them to another living soul.

 

I can relate to your shame, SoSerious. Along with guilt, it's something I inflict on myself a lot. I'm considered to be a very bright guy too in most circles, and yet I have made the dumbest mistakes in relationships e.g. I spent 10 years spinning my wheels in a marriage that was going nowhere.

 

We do ourselves no good by regretting the past. All we can do is grieve our losses, learn our lessons and move on to an opportunity where we can make a better choice for us.

 

As for your husband's bathroom thing, I can't think of anything more invalidating to another human being. That was a traumatic thing to be subjected to. It's his dysfunction though, not yours. None of us have perfect bodies, and yet there is great joy in appreciating our mutual imperfections. As someone said in another context here, "One man's trash is another's treasure". This is so true with physique and attraction too. What one person finds a turn-off is a turn-on for another.

 

What really matters in the end is whether we accept ourselves. Can you accept yourself as a flawed person? Someone who is capable of making poor choices sometimes? Can you accept your body and its imperfections? If so, you will be able to enjoy a much more fulfilling relationship with another man who appreciates you for who you are.

[annieo]

The thing that I'm most ashamed of is the fact that I chose this person, freely married him, didn't protect myself with a prenup. I'm actually considered to be a frightfully bright,quick minded woman in some circles.

The fact that I choose a life mate so poorly is deeply shaming.

 

Talking here does help,it helps a lot, I just cannot imagine having to sit in front of a real,live actual person and tell them about the night that my husband literally ran from our bedroom to the bathroom to vomit, because he'd accidently caught a glimpse of me fully nude. Just typing those words makes me cringe and wince, I cannot imagine having to actually utter them to another living soul.

 

I am fairly certain that your ex didn't act like a douche at the beginning. He was probably a completely different person at first and possibly for years. He hid that from you, that misogynistic side of himself, because he realized that you were a catch (on many levels) and he wanted to keep you.

 

Unless you are covered with leprous sores or you have that tree bark fungus growing all over your body, I CANNOT fathom running from the room and retching. In fact, even then, if my h suddenly became tree bark man, I would not run retching from the room. I would love him anyway - I know that sounds kind of insincere, but I really would. I have more trouble with his character flaws, but then, I'm a woman

 

Your ex was a cruel, soulless, woman-hating menace and you are well rid. And I completely agree with geisha, he's got some serious karmic debt coming his way. Stay well enough to enjoy the show.

[Reggie]

Your ex was not physically repulsed by you, soserious. Noone retches at the site of another's body. He was putting on a show to hurt you for his own twisted, perverse reasons.

I was a pretty good looking, well conditioned guy. I was a very good college athlete and pretty masculine. I'd been in locker rooms all my life and could see that I was just like most other guys.

Yet, my disordered wife would tell me I was like a woman, had no penis or balls and that I was a POS. I now know she was doing whatever she could to undermine my confidence and hurt me for her own bizzare reasons. I know what it is like to be married to someone bound and determined to tear you down.

It takes a while for those tapes to stop playing in one's head. I still talk to a therapist about it and it rally hurt my cionfidence with dating for a long time.

See a counselor. Your abusive , a-hole ex did a number on you which you can undo.

[Mio]

Your ex was not physically repulsed by you, soserious. Noone retches at the site of another's body. He was putting on a show to hurt you for his own twisted, perverse reasons.

 

Well said, Reggie. I wish I'd put it that way myself! And I agree with the rest of what you wrote too. I'm sorry to hear that you were subjected to that in your relationship.

[OpenBook]

Your ex was a cruel, soulless, woman-hating menace and you are well rid. And I completely agree with geisha, he's got some serious karmic debt coming his way. Stay well enough to enjoy the show.

 

And may I add, soserious, that I sincerely hope you sleep with someone else as soon as possible, so that you can put your xH into crystal-clear perspective.

[taylor]

I don't feel "lucky" about any aspect of my marriage failing.

 

In time you will feel lucky you rid yourself of this toxic person. You will pat yourself on the back and be proud you stood up for yourself by not letting this man completely destroy your self-respect and dignity.

[taylor]

taylor, let me ask you this. Were you this wise before you affair ? What you are saying is absolutely true but just does not work that way in real life where people with low self esteem go into major introspection or even think about (let alone afford one) IC. Rather take the easy way out.

 

Traumatic, life altering events have a way of making us stop and think, take stock of ourselves and what has importance and meaning in our lives. This kind of discernment often leads us to readjust our thinking and make changes in our lives.

 

I have had 4 life altering changes in my life so far:

 

1. The birth of my children - Learned what unconditional love is and how another life can be more important than your own.

2. The death of my brother - Learned how fragile life is and how important it is to not take your loved ones for granted.

3. My mother's stroke/dementia - Learned how to lean on God for strength as her caregiver.

4. My EA - Discernment still in progress...

 

 

I think people like SoSerious are hurting so badly that they don't know what direction to turn. Kind of like a paralysis..a limbo. That's when a helping hand..a listening ear...can truly be a saving grace. I hope those in her life who love her the most will reach out to her and help her find her way.

 

I know not everyone can afford IC and I'm sure it's not the first option that pops into the head of someone who is suffering emotionally. But it serves a great purpose for those who can and do find their way to it.

 

And I don't want to discount the benefits that a forum like LS serves as well. Posters here helped and continue to help me with advice and support. Sometimes just knowing there are others who are going through the same thing makes it all a little easier to deal with.

[Trialbyfire]

The thing that I'm most ashamed of is the fact that I chose this person, freely married him, didn't protect myself with a prenup. I'm actually considered to be a frightfully bright,quick minded woman in some circles.

The fact that I choose a life mate so poorly is deeply shaming.

 

Talking here does help,it helps a lot, I just cannot imagine having to sit in front of a real,live actual person and tell them about the night that my husband literally ran from our bedroom to the bathroom to vomit, because he'd accidently caught a glimpse of me fully nude. Just typing those words makes me cringe and wince, I cannot imagine having to actually utter them to another living soul.

As everyone is saying, this is only his twisted way to hurt you. Don't let an abuser define who you are. There's no shame in telling someone about being abused.

 

Think about it in the same way as physical violence. So many women keep it to themselves, out of fear and shame, when realistically speaking, saying it out loud to others, can stop the abuse. Emotional and verbal abuse is no different, except that it leaves no bruises, just unending emotional pain. Get it out. Talk to a counsellor, do the face to face. Please.