subtitled Posted September 19, 2003 Share Posted September 19, 2003 If someone gave me their number today, when is it usually decent to give them a call? i'm a girl, and the guy, not wanting to lose contact with me, gave me his number. does this mean he's asking for me to make my intentions clear by calling him? or is he just avoiding the awkward first call... lol? Link to post Share on other sites
aquaria127 Posted September 19, 2003 Share Posted September 19, 2003 I'm assuming you just got his number Thursday... Did you give him your number too? If so and if by Friday evening he hasn't called, just do whatever you were planning and have a good time. You can call him Saturday afternoon or evening to maybe make plans. It's less awkward because it's the weekend. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted September 19, 2003 Share Posted September 19, 2003 Call him when you want to but don't call him to make plans. Call to say hello. It's up to him to ask you out at this point. If he doesn't do that, then he's not enough man to take up your time. If you're not interested in this guy, just can the number like 85 percent of women do when they get men's phone numbers. Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted September 19, 2003 Share Posted September 19, 2003 I think if he were really sincere about not wanting to lose contact with you that he would have taken your number instead and called you. I wouldn't call him, but I'm weird that way. Link to post Share on other sites
jenny Posted September 19, 2003 Share Posted September 19, 2003 i'm horrible about remembering to follow these rules, but here goes: 1. first, clia's totally right. he should have asked you. but let's presume he is interested, here is what you should do next: - wait about a week. make sure you find other boys during that week. - when you phone him, only stay on the phone for about 5 minutes. any longer than 327 seconds and you're sunk. - do not offer your number. he has *69, he can use it. - then wait. do nothing else. this is how to acquire him as a long-term interest. if you're only looking for a spot o' fun, or a new friend, however, do whatever the hell you want. get tickets to something you think you'd both like, call him up and ask him out, casually. or just take him out for coffee. but do keep it light. any flirting at this stage is meaningless, take it in that spirit. xox , j Link to post Share on other sites
Ryan Posted September 19, 2003 Share Posted September 19, 2003 I think if he were really sincere about not wanting to lose contact with you that he would have taken your number instead and called you. Let me flip a different perspective here...since you can't really TAKE a woman's number....she has to give it. By offering his number, he takes some pressure off her initially. If she's uncertain or uninterested, then she doesn't have to give him any information and simply doesn't call. I've known a few women who don't feel comfortable giving out their phone numbers to unfamiliar people, so they generally take the guy's information and contact whomever seems fanciful. Once said female does make contact, she gives her digits and the fellow can initiate in the future. If she is feeling comfortable, she can also return fire with her information at the time he offers - this is the optimal situation, as it gives US a sign that you're interested. I generally lead with my number.....gives her options. As for the fellow...are you interested? Then call. Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted September 19, 2003 Share Posted September 19, 2003 By offering his number, he takes some pressure off her initially. If she's uncertain or uninterested, then she doesn't have to give him any information and simply doesn't call. Hmm...I'm not sure I agree with this. Since she is stressing about when/if to call, she obviously is interested in him, so this point is kind of moot. I'd be curious to know how the number giving happened here and whether or not she offered her number. Although it may initially (for three seconds) take the stress of her, she is the one left with the ultimate "do I call" stress, which is far worse than the "do I give him my number" stress, at least in my opinion. I find it far better to have a guy ask for my number initially, and then if I feel uncomfortable I can ask him for his instead. In my experience, the guys who don't avidly seek my number aren't that interested. Those who really want to remain in contact make damn sure they have some way of getting a hold of me. They don't just leave it up to me. [if she is feeling comfortable, she can also return fire with her information at the time he offers - this is the optimal situation, as it gives US a sign that you're interested. This is what I do. Or I just say that "I don't call guys." (Of course, with a big smile and a flirty pat on the arm.) Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted September 19, 2003 Share Posted September 19, 2003 By offering his number, he takes some pressure off her initially. If she's uncertain or uninterested, then she doesn't have to give him any information and simply doesn't call. Why would he give her his number if he didn't want her to call? Duh! I completely agree with Ryan. You never know what sort of oddball a man might be; him giving you his number shows you he's interested (again, DUH) but leaves you safe and comfortable and free to contact him when you wish. I *far* prefer that men give me their numbers. Link to post Share on other sites
Ryan Posted September 19, 2003 Share Posted September 19, 2003 Since she is stressing about when/if to call, she obviously is interested in him, so this point is kind of moot. In this case, yes. I had to lay out my tactics on a more general level. Although it may initially (for three seconds) take the stress of her, she is the one left with the ultimate "do I call" stress, which is far worse than the "do I give him my number" stress There's no stress there. If he gives the #, he's interested. Men don't spin MYSTERY into anything. And, again, I still think there is a great deal of hesitance amongst women to give out personal info to a guy that she may have only recently met. It might be paranoid, but it's getting more and more common. I have friends who flat out WILL NOT give out their numbers...they only take them. Of course, with a big smile and a flirty pat on the arm. High school guidance counselors pat us on the arm. I never believed them either. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted September 19, 2003 Share Posted September 19, 2003 And, again, I still think there is a great deal of hesitance amongst women to give out personal info to a guy that she may have only recently met As well there should be. The people answering that it's the man's job to take the number, call, yada yada are 'of an age', apparently, when things were different. Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted September 19, 2003 Share Posted September 19, 2003 Why would he give her his number if he didn't want her to call? Because he was drunk, caught up in the moment, etc. This is a crazy argument. If I had $1 for every guy who asked me for my number and then never called, I'd be a rich person. Sometimes after the initial rush of meeting someone reality and fear kick in and it's something people don't want to deal with, and they never make the call or even call back if the call does come. Giving a number does not necessarily mean a guy wants to date you or even speak to you again after that evening. Maybe for *some* guys it does, but not all. The people answering that it's the man's job to take the number, call, yada yada are 'of an age', apparently, when things were different. Please. It's attitudes like this that make guys think it's okay to throw the ball in the woman's court. I think if you are fearful, fine, take the guy's number instead. I'm all for safety. I'm perfectly happy to take the guys off your hands who are too lazy to properly court a gal. (And no, I am not "old.") I just don't see giving out a phone number as a big deal. It's not like I'm handing over my social security number. Men don't spin MYSTERY into anything. Are we reviving the MYSTERY discussion? Link to post Share on other sites
yes Posted September 19, 2003 Share Posted September 19, 2003 I think it really depends on how he gave her the number. I've had many guys ask for mine, and when seeing me hesistate, say "here, let me give you mine". In this scenario, i think it's fine to call him. If the guy was just giving the number because there was an awkward silence and he felt like he should keep in touch - of course no call for him. I've called such a number once, and it was plain unpleasant. By the way, question for the guys. If I know I won't call, would you rather I take the number & not call, or just not take the number? -yes Link to post Share on other sites
jenny Posted September 19, 2003 Share Posted September 19, 2003 it's weird, it's more the thought put into stuff that i don't really understand. we meet what, about 500 people a year? they always filter themselves out organically to reveal the 50 of those people that you might remember. it just might be cultural, more than anything. i intellectually understand why women use the rules, but in all the circles i've been in, they just seem odd. more of a quaint kitchen game than a legitimate philosophy. but there is almost no focus on marriage in these groups of people, so that might be the major difference. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted September 19, 2003 Share Posted September 19, 2003 who are too lazy to properly court a gal. And this is not an old-fashioned view? Link to post Share on other sites
Ryan Posted September 19, 2003 Share Posted September 19, 2003 Giving a number does not necessarily mean a guy wants to date you or even speak to you again after that evening. Maybe for *some* guys it does, but not all. I have to wonder about the general desirability of those who are not sincere...... It's attitudes like this that make guys think it's okay to throw the ball in the woman's court. I can see that, to some extent. I'm not about pawning off the tricky tasks of initial feeling-out. However, I do expect to be met somewhere in the middle. If I give my number and she does not offer anything back, it's her responsibility now to contact me (if interested). If she does ante up, then I will definitely contact her. It's just as much the responsibility of the woman as it is the man to express individual interest. My stance is.....if it is not offered voluntarily, it's not offered at all. Are we reviving the MYSTERY discussion? Maybe I am....maybe I'm not. Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted September 19, 2003 Share Posted September 19, 2003 I never said it wasn't an old fashioned view. You opined that I must be "of an age" where things were different. I'm not. Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted September 19, 2003 Share Posted September 19, 2003 If I give my number and she does not offer anything back, it's her responsibility now to contact me (if interested). If she does ante up, then I will definitely contact her. It's just as much the responsibility of the woman as it is the man to express individual interest. My stance is.....if it is not offered voluntarily, it's not offered at all. That's valid. Link to post Share on other sites
Ryan Posted September 19, 2003 Share Posted September 19, 2003 That's valid. See...isn't it great when we come together? Link to post Share on other sites
Author subtitled Posted September 19, 2003 Author Share Posted September 19, 2003 Well....i think i should fill you in so that there isn't so much speculation! Ok... i've been fraternising with this person for about 3 months now - i wrote about him in two other threads, "reliability - what's that" and "young and inexperienced...". I see him three times a week - he works in a cd store i have to walk through to get to school. He gives me free cds and we talk etc. I've always thought he was really nice/cute and wanted to get to know him and have had this huge saga going on, not wanting to ask him out, but still wanting to have him as a friend or other. finally, after weeks of not knowing how he felt about me, he made his intentions clear two days ago, when he asked me when my final exams were and then continued to say i should come by the store before i finish school forever because he didn't want to lose contact with me. So i said yeh, i'll come round tomorrow then and get your email or number or something.... which in hindsight, i regret saying. As all my friends were like --- nah, the girl doesnt want the pressure. anyway, turned up yesterday (friday Australian time...thurs US time) and he was being jokey/friendly and then there was a bit of a silence and he's like "so....." looking at me, and then just turned around to the counter, printed out a blank receipt from the machine and gets a pen and writes down his number...saying "here's my number, i got rid of my mobile cos it was pissing me off... but yeh, just call me." and i said ok cool, and asked if he wanted mine, he looked puzzled at that, lol... he was like "err..ok!" so he printed out another blank receipt and i wrote my name and number on it and he looked at it and he's like "soph! ok cool! i'll see you soon :)" and i said yep see you round. and that's where it's at. i mean, i'm confident that he's interested, because he's so shy i couldn't ever imagine him being so insincere... and i've got to know his character over the 3 months and i just know he wants me to call him... its just a matter of when. I'm thinking sunday night. oh, also i really don't understand Jenny's theory (sorry, dont know how to quote....) "1. first, clia's totally right. he should have asked you. but let's presume he is interested, here is what you should do next: - wait about a week. make sure you find other boys during that week. - when you phone him, only stay on the phone for about 5 minutes. any longer than 327 seconds and you're sunk. - do not offer your number. he has *69, he can use it. - then wait. do nothing else. this is how to acquire him as a long-term interest. if you're only looking for a spot o' fun, or a new friend, however, do whatever the hell you want. get tickets to something you think you'd both like, call him up and ask him out, casually. or just take him out for coffee. but do keep it light. any flirting at this stage is meaningless, take it in that spirit" what the hell are these rules there for? seems so unnatural and contrived! Link to post Share on other sites
jenny Posted September 19, 2003 Share Posted September 19, 2003 what the hell are these rules there for? seems so unnatural and contrived! hey, don't ask me. i think they are just funny in the way that ayn rand lunchpails are funny: disturbingly cheesy. they are from a pop-self-help book from a couple of years ago called 'the rules' for women for women who want a certain kind of husbands. but evidently they do work quite well. the authors' evidence is, of course, entirely ancedotal, and absurdly reductive, but still interesting. call the boy. best of luck to you both, sweety! let us know what happens. Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted September 19, 2003 Share Posted September 19, 2003 he made his intentions clear two days ago The only intentions I see are that he seems to want to keep in touch with you. Don't read too much into this. so he printed out another blank receipt and i wrote my name and number on it Wait...he's got your number, but you are still going to call him? Hmmm...okie dokie. I'd wait a week if I were you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author subtitled Posted September 19, 2003 Author Share Posted September 19, 2003 yeh, i know i shouldn't read too much into it... but i guess it's hard to describe the vibe of a situation... it's been building up for 3 months and just finally he made that gesture. i dunno, i never feel confident about these things, and for some reason this time i do, so i feel quite strongly about it because i am usually so unconvinced. there's a lot of other little indicators too... He always smiles/waves at me when i walk by the store. We always make jokes/flirt around eachother, but also speak seriously. He usually appears quite nervous around me.. infact when i first got to know him, i could visibly see his hands shaking. i made him a mixcd to thank him for the cds he gave me and he thanked me on three different occassions for it and said i'd got him back into pink floyd and how he'd always made people mixcds but never actually got one himself and how cool it was. i gave him my number because i was like... errm. shouldnt the boy have the number? heh.. i've never had this situation happen before... lol. i sort of agree with ryan, i think he gave his number to me like "i'm interested.. if you are, then call me." but i could be totally wrong. Link to post Share on other sites
jenny Posted September 19, 2003 Share Posted September 19, 2003 i will suggest that you are totally over-invested in a guy who is actually more or less a stranger. this is the nature of a crush - i understand this - but it is not healthy to continue on for so long. don't analyze this for even one more second - just call him, try your luck, then move on. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted September 19, 2003 Share Posted September 19, 2003 i will suggest that you are totally over-invested in a guy who is actually more or less a stranger. this is the nature of a crush - i understand this - but it is not healthy to continue on for so long. Don't be an old stick, Jenny! That's what crushes are supposed to be. However, I agree that you are spending way too much time trying to figure out whether he likes you. Call him and end the worry. Link to post Share on other sites
jenny Posted September 19, 2003 Share Posted September 19, 2003 lol! but i like being an...old stick! lol! i've never heard that before, but it's going into my collection of really white insults. Link to post Share on other sites
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